HUMOR Digest - 9 Jan 1998 to 10 Jan 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 520 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Beauty and Brains <adult humor>
  2. Definition <clean>
  3. 1 - tough guys; 2 - newlyweds; 3 - boy & hookers <all very mildly risque>
  4. This week in science...
  5. Humor - Crazy Law Suits (1st of 2)
  6. Great Moments in Writing
  7. The Toddler Diet (clean)
  8. last rites?
  9. Joke-Clean: Tornado hits a Luckys store
 10. sonny bono song <tasteless>
 11. Sonny Bono (Offensive and in bad taste)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Jan 1998 03:43:55 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Beauty and Brains <adult humor>

*   Pamela Anderson was offered a bit part in one of the first
  new "Adult Westerns" to be made this year.  After reading the
  script, she roars up to the director, and says, "I absolutely
  refuse to play this scene."
    Looking at the script, the director says, "But Pam baby-doll,
  all you have to do is point out the direction the outlaws took
  when the sheriff and his posse ride up to you."
    "I know !" she fumed.  "But look what I'm pointing with.  The
  script says I'm supposed to place both hands behind my back and
  take a deep breath, turn north and say 'They went that-a-way'."
                                - - - - -

*   The young man was determined to win his girl that evening. "I
  have loved you more than you will ever know." he said.
    "AH HA !  So I was right!!!" she exclaimed.  "You did take
  advantage of me last Saturday when I was drunk."
                                - - - - -

*   A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb in New York City
  where a cute lil' thang was waiting for a taxi.
    "Hi babe." he said.  "I'm going west."
    "How wonderful." came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
                                - - - - -

* Have y'all heard about the widow who wears black garters in memory
  of those who have passed beyond ?
                                - - - - -

*   The very proper Yuppette didn't go shopping very often, but she
  was at the Columbia Mall and decided to also have lunch.  She sat
  down at a table with an attractive girl.  The girl finished her
  lunch and lit up a cigarette.
    The Yuppette snapped, "I'd rather commit adultery than be seen
  smoking; especially in public.
    "Yeah." so would I sighed the girl. "But I only get a half hour
  for lunch."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Jan 1998 11:49:21 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Definition <clean>

BOROGAMY: The state or practice of having only one wife or husband.

Source: The still unpublished Mariotti's  Alternative Dictionary.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Jan 1998 06:46:24 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: 1 - tough guys; 2 - newlyweds; 3 - boy & hookers <all very mildly
         risque>

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The
first mouse slams a shot and says, I play with mouse traps
for fun. I'll run into  one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I
grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.  And with that
he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, That's nothing. I take those
Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it. And
with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two
mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, Where
the hell are you going?

The third mouse stops and replies, I'm going home to screw the cat.
					***

A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they
just got married that morning.
 "Congratulations!" says the clerk.  Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would
you like the bridal then?"
 "Naw, thanks." says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets
the hang of it."
					***

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of
hookers.  Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him
with their pinkies and say "HI there little boy!!"

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always
wave at him with their pinkies...she replies "well...that is what
size we imagine your penis to be...it is just a joke!"

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The
young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all
his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says
"HI THERE LADIES!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Jan 1998 12:37:13 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: This week in science...

This week in science...

The science section of Tuesday's The New York Times (Jan 6, 1998)
includes a profile of Biologist Dr. Anne Simon (U Mass, Amherst).
The piece (by Carey Goldberg) is entitled "The Science Adviser to
Whaaat?"

It seems that Dr. Simon has, for some time, been a friend of one
Chris Carter.  Carter is the creator of the X-FILES TV show on
the Fox network (U.S.).  For the uninitiated, Goldberg describes
X-FILES as a "dark confection of conspiracy, fantasy and
paranormalcy."  On the show two FBI agents come across aliens
(from outer space), witches, vampires and high government
conspiracies.  But the crazy thing is often well written and
filled with dry humor  (EG. in one episode about a southern town
whose economy was based upon a chicken processing plant and whose
culture was steeped in cannibalism, the local company's motto
was:  GOOD PEOPLE MAKE GOOD FOOD).

When Carter started to write scripts for the show he called on
Dr. Simon for scientific expertise.  Simon says (?!?), "What
Chris says is that the science looking real and being real is
what makes the show scary."

In the show Special Agent Fox Mulder has a big sign in his
office.  The sign reads: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Dr. Simon has a sign on HER office door.  Her sign reads: THE
TRUTH IS IN HERE

Simon doesn't get paid much for her consulting on the show, but
she does get bragging rights and access to clips from the show
that she uses in her class lectures.  Simon also wears an X-FILES
t-shirt when she teaches.

Kinda makes ya wanna go back and take bio again, no?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Jan 1998 13:39:44 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Crazy Law Suits (1st of 2)

Copied from Ann Landers' column:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Dear Ann Landers: So you like ``crazy lawsuits''? In the three years I
have been writing the Random Nuts column for Graffiti magazine, I've
collected some doozies and am pleased to pass some of the best along to
you. Here they are:

* After he threatened to sue McDonald's for $5 million, a former research
scientist was arrested for extortion. The scientist claimed he ate part of
a fried rat tail he found in a bag of Happy Meal french fries, but a grand
jury said the tail came from one of his own laboratory rats.

* A convict wants $1,000 because the state of New York made him eat
``vegetable diet loaf'' as a punishment for violating prison rules.

* Another prisoner is suing because he says secondhand smoke from other
inmates is ruining his health, though he smokes himself.

*The all-time Random Nuts champ has to be a convicted Brooklyn burglar who
is suing the state for $989 billion because prison guards beat up his
jacket, which he wasn't wearing at the time.

* In Boston, two women unsuccessfully sued for reinstatement after they
were fired for refusing to work the night of Dec. 25. They claimed their
devout Catholic beliefs prevented them from working on Christmas. The two
women were employed as betting clerks at a local racetrack.

* The U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear an appeal of a case filed by a
woman against her local electric company. The woman said she had a nervous
breakdown and suffered ``physical injury and emotional distress'' because
the company published her rice recipe in its cookbook without her
permission. Her husband also put in a claim for ``loss of companionship.''

* A Los Angeles attorney filed suit on behalf of his miniature poodle when
the dog was ejected from a cafe's outdoor patio. The attorney said that
since pigeons and other birds are allowed to roam freely on the
restaurant's property, the ejection was a violation of the Constitution's
equal-protection clause.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Jan 1998 17:05:18 EST
From:    Deshazo48 <Deshazo48@AOL.COM>
Subject: Great Moments in Writing

        I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which  is
        why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants
        to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15

        Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
        accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
        -- Age 13

        It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
        birthday, like they do for the queen.  Of course, then we would
        have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or
        December 26, just for the long weekends. -- Age 8

        Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about  letting
        just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

        Home is where the house is. -- Age 6

        I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of
        Halloween. -- Age 13

        I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as
        some people think he should be.  Then, I remember it's because
        he sucks. -- Age 15

        For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
        Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard  rock.
        That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

        My young brother asked me what happens after we die.  I told him
        we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.  I
        guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to
        hell and burn eternally  -- but I didn't want to upset him.
        --Age 10

        I gaze at the brilliant full moon.  The same one, I think to
        myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.    Suddenly,
        I imagine they appear beside me.  I tell Socrates about the
        national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the
        constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in  the
        country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a  copy
        of the Constitution.  I tell Aristotle that we have found many
        more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.
        I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with
        wonder.  We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -- Age   15

        I once heard the voice of God.  It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it
        was just a lawn mower. -- Age 11

        I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.  I  imagine
        that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only
        source of water for some tiny cities by the lake.  As the lake
        gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes
        there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone
        died. -- Age 13

        I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found  my
        dog.  Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave
        away all of his stuff.  Dog people sure don't have a sense of
        humor. -- Age 14

        As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside
        a few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a
        couple days saved up. -- Age 7

        Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my  teacher.
        That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

        It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
        accident.  No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone  needed
        it, the blood would be right there. -- Age 5

        Think of the biggest number you can.  Now add five.  Then,  imagine
        if you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the
        biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6

        The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
        maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?"  or
        "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I  was
        speeding?" -- Age 15

        Once, I wept for I had no shoes.  T hen I came upon a man who  had
        no feet.  So I took his shoes.  I mean, it's not like he really
        needed them, right? -- Age 15

        If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
        world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would
        be until the looting started. -- Age 15

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 10 Jan 1998 00:19:48 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Toddler Diet (clean)

     An individual residing somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic,
and suffering from that most American of diseases, obesity, reached the
point of despair recently.  Having tried almost every diet going (and being
unwilling to haul themself off their oversized arse to do some exercise),
this individual decided to try a different approach to development of a
dieting plan.
     So was born the new Toddler Miracle Diet!  Over the years it had been
noticed that most two-year-olds are trim.  After consultation with
paediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, the new diet was
formulated.  It is inexpensive, offers great variety and sufficient
quantity.  Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with
your doctor ... otherwise you might have to see him afterward.  Good luck!

DAY ONE
     Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with apricot jam.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.  Take 1
bite of toast, then smear the jam over your face and clothes.
     Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of pre-crushed crisps, and
a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
     Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a 5p, 4 sips of stale beer.
     Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
     Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.  Drink
half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
     Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to
be eaten, not smoked).  One ice cube, if desired.
     Afternoon Snack - Lick a lollipop until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring
inside and drop on the rug.
     Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your
left nostril.  Pour coke over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE
     Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub
in hair.  Glass of milk:  drink half, stuff pancakes in glass.  After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's lolly from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on
the cushion of your best chair.
     Lunch - Three matches, peanut butter and jam sandwich.  Spit several
bites onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
     Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of crisps, some wine, coffee.

FINAL DAY
     Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive.  Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of
sugar.  Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
     Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.  Find
that lolly and finish eating it.
     Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball on
plate.  Stick of mascara for dessert.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Jan 1998 20:15:08 -0500
From:    "Dexter E. Gulledge" <gulledge@MAIL.PTDPROLOG.NET>
Subject: last rites?

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday
morning service as he
always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in
tears.

"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Father O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.

"Well what is it, Mary?"

"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."

"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any
last requests?"

"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.

"What did he ask, Mary?"

Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Jan 1998 19:34:44 -0800
From:    Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: Joke-Clean: Tornado hits a Luckys store

Did you hear about the tornado that hit a Luckys store?
now they are calling the store Unluckys!


adduem: for those of you who dont live in California
Luckys is a supermarket chain that based here.
and today in Long Beach- a Tornado really did hit a Luckys supermarket.
(the only damage was to the roof according to news reports)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Jan 1998 19:53:35 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: sonny bono song <tasteless>

To the tune of "George of the Jungle"

SON,SON
SON,SONNY BONO
WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!
SON,SON
SON,SONNY BONO
DIED LIKE A KENNEDY!

-- Jim Wankowski

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Jan 1998 20:33:24 PST
From:    david jeffries <david_jeffries@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Sonny Bono (Offensive and in bad taste)

What are the wives of Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono called?

Widows '98.
		----------------------------
What does the island of Elba and the Heavenly Ski Lodge have in common?

Bonoparts
		----------------------------
If Cher had been skiing and hit a tree, she would've probably lived...

It's an even fight, wood vs plastic.
		----------------------------
What did Michael Kennedy say when he met Sonny in the afterlife?

"What are you doing in this neck of the woods?"
		----------------------------
Still split on abortion, Democrats and Republicans join forces to take
on new foe...

Trees
		----------------------------
Sonny has put the PINE back in alPINE skiing!
		----------------------------
Sonny's last film...

Forest Thump!
		----------------------------
What was Sonny wearing when they found him?

A Douglas Fir!
		----------------------------
Why should we be grateful to Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono?

They're giving other politicians a good idea.
		----------------------------
What was the most surprising thing about the discovery of the body?

That he was recognized.
		----------------------------
Police reported it was a quick death...

Just like his solo career.
		----------------------------
How do we know Sonny was a politician at heart?

At the very end, he was stumping.
		----------------------------
We are all mortal. And in the end...

Sonny was just ski and bones.
		----------------------------
How could they tell when Sonny Bono was dead?

When Sonny turned blue!
		----------------------------
Will Sonny Bono's ex-wife be getting a good Cher of his estate?
		----------------------------
Those politicians are all bark and no bite.
		----------------------------
What does BONO stand for?

Brain, Organs, Neck, Obliterated

Busted , Open, 'Nother, One

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Jan 1998 to 10 Jan 1998
***********************************************
