HUMOR Digest - 8 Jan 1998 to 9 Jan 1998
There are 18 messages totalling 882 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Black eyes <sexist>
  2. Parental Joys <adult humor>
  3. Tips for Cultists 4 of 4 <adult and off. to religious people>
  4. science & economics <very mildly suggestive>
  5. Cute kid question
  6. Stupid Criminal Tricks
  7. <No subject given>
  8. Quotes (off. to ?)
  9. The centipede
 10. Humor - Bumbling Crooks (3rd of 3 )
 11. Li'l Johnny (clean), Suicide (off. to Christians?)
 12. Hitler and the Cowboys (poss. off. to Jewish)
 13. Rudolph the Great
 14. sex jokes (R)
 15. Quips & Quotes
 16. Humor Clean: Short Tall Tales
 17. Hairy Flight
 18. Sonny Bono <Offensive and in bad taste>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 21:25:25 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: Black eyes <sexist>

What do say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin!, Coze you've told her twice already!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 03:11:00 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Parental Joys <adult humor>

*   The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one
  night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise
  visit to the boy.  Arriving at the fraternity house, he
  knocked on the door.  After several minutes of knocking,
  a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.
    "Whattya want ?"
    "Does Jimmy Duncan live here ?" asked the father.
    "Yeah !" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch
  and we'll take care of him in the morning."
                                - - - - -

*   The daughter was horrified when her widower father began
  dating a girl not much older than she was. As things started
  to progress, she became worried they were getting serious.
    One nite as he tiptoed up the steps, she called out, "Dad !
  Men your age should be satisfied with a little peace of mind."
                                - - - - -

*   The Mother and daughter were watching the girl's boyfriend
  approach the house.  "I'll say one thing about him," said the
  Mother, "he certainly dresses well."
    "And so quickly." replied the daughter.
                                - - - - -

* A naive father is one who thinks his daughter has been a good
  girl because she returns from a date with a Gideon Bible in
  her purse.
                                - - - - -

*   The Mother and daughter were shopping for the girl's bridal
  gown.  The Mother said, "Thank goodness, I'll see you married
  in white." the Mother said.
    "Why's that Mother ?" the daughter asked.
    "Well dear, to be honest, only a virgin should be married
  in a white gown; otherwise, lavender is used."
    "Oh !" replied the girl.  "Well, how about a white gown with
  lavender trim ?"

www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 11:53:16 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Tips for Cultists 4 of 4 <adult and off. to religious people>

* If other members of your cult ask you whether you are a virgin,
  always answer with an emphatic "NO". Don't ask me why ---
  just trust me on this one.
* After ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is not
  regarded as proper etiquette and asking the High Priest for
  a doggie bag is downright gross.
* Contrary to widely-held beliefs, mind-expanding drugs and
  invocations do not mix. When the stuff hits the fan, it is
  vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering
  monstrosity to throw the holy water at and the gibbering monstrosity
  that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good
  hot bath.
* If, after a night of heavy partying and drinking, you see a
  frighteningly repulsive creature in the morning, don't bother to
  address it as Beleth or Forcas: you are probably looking into the
  bathroom mirror
* Never play strip Tarot. If you do, be prepared to lose an arm
  and a leg. Quite literally.
* Vampires are handsome, dress well, are articulate conversationalists
  with a posh British accent, yet they suck. Try and remember that.
* For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not
  feasible or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled
  by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of turkey.
* Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can
  stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own
  soul. (This politically correct statement is totally spontaneous and
  has not been written under duress. Are you happy with it? Will you
  unchain me now and give me some food? I say, that's a big pile of
  wood! Are you going to have a barbecue or something? It is in my
  honour? Cool!)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 07:23:37 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: science & economics <very mildly suggestive>

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The
little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's
too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a
board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the
hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the
grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five
dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know.  That's from your grandma."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 10:52:05 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cute kid question

Recently my friends 5 year old daughter was asking about babies...nothing too
specific until she said "So mommy, how did I get OUT of your tummy?"  Which my
friend answered, "I don't know, but ask your father, he had a better view than
I did."
		-------------------------------------

I told my 18 month-old that it was time for a bath saying, "We have to wash
your hair, your head is stinky."  To which he seriously replied, "No mommy,
head not stinky!  Feet stinky!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 11:14:35 EST
From:    Lee Wolfle <WOLFLE@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject: Stupid Criminal Tricks

   VIRGINIA BEACH  --  Five men who tried to steal a woman's car
but panicked and ran when she screamed were tracked down by police
after one of the suspects dropped a job application with his name
and address on it.
   The last of the five suspects was taken into custody Tuesday,
police said.  The incident occurred Dec. 17 near Lynnhaven Mall.
   The armed men ordered Sandra L. Bailey, 51, out of her Mercedes,
but she resisted when they tried to force her into the trunk,
police said.  The men ran when she started screaming.  She was not
injured.
   As the suspects ran, one dropped a completed application for a
construction job.  Police said Lloyd T. Sawyer's name, address and
phone number were on the paper, and Sawyer's fingerprints were
found on the woman's car.
   The five men were charged with armed robbery, conspiracy,
abduction and using a gun in the crime, police said.


The Roanoke Times; January 8, 1998
from Wire Reports

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 11:29:08 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: <No subject given>

Lee Wolfle's account of the attempt to steal the lady's car reminded me of
something my brother told me over the New Year holiday and which he swears
is true.

He (my brother) tells me that certain automobiles now come equipped with a
device calle "lo-jack" (sp?) which is tied in with geo-location satellite
technology and can help police locate a stolen vehicle within yards (maybe
even feet) in minutes.

Seems a guy bought a car that was so equipped, but he didn't know it. He
then reported it stolen. The police thought that it might be new enough to
be equipped with "lo-jack" and looked on a list of VINs and discovered
that it was indeed so equipped. They activated the locator, and about an
hour later showed up at the guy's home, wanting to look in his garage.
There they found the "stolen" car and a bunch of other stolen merchandise.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 11:43:45 -0700
From:    Scotty <colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Quotes (off. to ?)

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
    (Corollary:  You never learn to pray until your kids learn to
drive!)

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.


http://members.tripod.com/~scollier

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 12:15:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: The centipede

From: Janine A Lovekamp

A single woman wanted someone to help her with the household
chores, so she decided to get a pet to help out. She went
to the local pet shop  and asks the  owner for advice on
a suitable animal.  The owner suggested a dog, but the woman
said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes."  The owner then suggested
a cat, but the woman said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing"

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect
pet for you.  It can do anything!"  OK, the woman thought,
I'll give it a try, so she bought it and took it home.  Once
home she told the centipede to wash the dishes.  The centipede
looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that
look to be a month old.  Five minutes later, all the pots are
washed, dried and put away.  Great, thought the woman.

Now she told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming.
15 minutes later the house is spotless.  Wow, thought the woman,
so she decided to try another idea.   "Go down to the corner
and get me the evening paper," she told the centipede, and off
it went.

15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned.  30 minutes
later and still no centipede.  45 minutes and the woman was
sick of waiting, so she got up and went out to look for the
centipede.

As she opened the front door, there on the step was the
centipede.  "Hey, whatcha' doing there?  I sent you out for
the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without
the paper!   What gives?"

"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on
my boots!!!"


---
"I'll be Bach!" - Johann Sebastian Schwarzenneger

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 13:13:08 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Bumbling Crooks (3rd of 3 )

Copied from Ann Landers column who received it from John Wherle,
Graffiti Magazine columnist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
            Bumbling crooks may need to enroll in Robbery 101.

Dear John Wehrle: Thanks for sending these on. They cracked me up. Here goes:

* A thief stole a van in Chicago without realizing that its owner was
sitting on the roof. The owner managed to hang onto the top of the car
during a ride on the interstate at speeds of up to 65 mph. When the thief
pulled over and got out of the car, the owner jumped on him and held him
down until the police arrived.

 * In Virginia, a bank robber was nabbed because he made the classic
mistake of returning to the scene of the crime. He was collared after he
tried to deposit some of the loot into the same bank he had held up a month
earlier. He was recognized because the same teller waited on him both
times.

 * At a Topeka, Kan., convenience store, a robber who discovered there
wasn't very much money in the cash register tied up the clerk and waited on
customers for three hours in order to increase his take.


Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 21:14:33 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Li'l Johnny (clean), Suicide (off. to Christians?)

     Little Johnny was sitting in class one day.  And on this day, the
teacher asked the class where they thought God lived.  One little girl
raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her.
     "I think God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is." the
girl replied.
     "That's good!" said the teacher.
     Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him.
"And where do you think God lives?" she asked.
     Very piously, the boy answered "God lives in each of our hearts!"
     "That's VERY good," she smiled.
     When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised
his hand.  Quietly  dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do
you think God lives, Johnny?"
     "In the bathroom." he said.
     "In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.
     "Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and
screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?' "
--------------------
     I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the
edge, about to jump off.  I immediately ran over and said "Stop!  Don't do
it!"
     "Why shouldn't I?" he said.
     I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
     "Like what?"
     "Well ...  are you religious or atheist?"
     "Religious."
     "Me too!  Are you Christian or Jewish?"
     "Christian."
     "Me too!  Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
     "Protestant."
     "Me too!  Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
     "Baptist."
     "Wow!  Me too!  Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the
Lord?"
     "Baptist Church of God."
     "Me too!  Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed
Baptist Church of God?"
     "Reformed Baptist Church of God."
     "Me too!  Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879,
or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
     "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
     To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 14:54:18 -0600
From:    Thomas Wideman <twideman@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Hitler and the Cowboys (poss. off. to Jewish)

A guy walks into a bar in Argentina.  He sees a familiar character, =
albeit much older now, sitting at the bar.  He approaches, examines =
his face, and asks:

"Excuse me, but aren't you Adolf Hitler?"

"Vy yes, I am Adolf Hitler."

"But I thought you were dead!"

"Ach.  I get a lot of dat.  But in fact, I am chust biding my time, 
planning a scheme to kill fifty million Jews and eight of der Dallas
Cowboys cheerleaders."

"What?"  the guy exclaims.  "Why would you want to kill eight of the
Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders?"

Hitler turns to another fellow sitting at the bar next to him.  "You
see vat I mean?  Nobody gives a damn about da Jews!!!"

http://home.earthlink.net/~twideman/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 20:28:38 -0500
From:    Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: Rudolph the Great

There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was
standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window
and saw something happening. He said to his wife, "Look, my dear, it is
raining."

His wife was very obstinate and responded as follows: "I don't think so,
dear. I think it's snowing."

But Rudolph knew better. So he said to his wife, "Let's step outside and
we shall find out."

They both went outside to discover that it was raining. Rudolph, very
proud of himself, turned to his wife and said, "I just knew it was
raining because, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 19:09:49 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: sex jokes (R)

Thanks to JokeMaster <JokeMaster@JokeMaster.com> and Shelly Gibson,
Mary Todd, Crazy Chuck
				-------------
 Dear Dr Ruth,

    I'm writing to tell you my problem,  It seems I have been married
 to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless
 of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing
 E-Mail on AOL, etc.  I would like to know if there is anything that
 ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld
 mpskdli  dlks; a;ld
 ;;'

       cinsely ous
   mdyl
				-------------
    Lil' Johnny and Lil' Suzie were walking home from school one day.
 As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the
 road, going at it like rabbits. "What are they doing, Johnny?" Suzie
 asked.
    Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years,
 knew what they were doing, but was embarrassed to say, so he said,
 "Well, he's scaring her."  Lil' Suzie replied, "Oh."
    They walked a little further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil'
 Johnny."  Well, Lil' Johnny thought, "What the hell," so he took her
 into the bushes and "scared" her.
    After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty
 soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What
 are they doing, Lil' Johnny?" she asked.
    "Well, he's scaring her."  So Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again,
 Lil' Johnny."  So, Lil' Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared"
 her again.
    After they were finished, they continued walking home.  Soon, you
 guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.
 "What are they doing, Lil' Johnny?" she asked again.  "Uh, he's
 scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.
    After a few more minutes of walking, Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me
 again, Lil' Johnny."  Lil' Johnny, not being as much of a man as he
 had thought, blurted out, "Boo, damn it, Boo!"
				------------

    A couple have been dating for quite some time. He wants her
 in the worst way, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving
 herself for marriage.  As they are kissing, and doing their thing, he
 is all hot and bothered; and says, "Oh come on, just a feel."  She
 replies, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage."  They go back and
 forth. He says, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."
    She finally agrees, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one,
 I'm saving myself for marriage."  So he puts his hand down her panties
 and takes a little feel.  Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks,
 "Can't we PLEASE?"  She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for
 marriage." He begs, "Please, please?" and she answers, "No, no,
 absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage." He suggests, "How
 about if I agree to only just put the tip in?"  She says, "No way, I'm
 saving myself for marriage."
    He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more,
 and we'll stop after that." She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the
 tip, no more, and that's all."  He agrees, pulls down her panties and
 puts the tip in... the sensation makes him lose control; he shoves it
 all the way in and starts pumping like crazy... she meanwhile is
 moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT ALL WAY IN!"
    A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not.  A deal's a deal!"

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 19:17:23 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Quips & Quotes

QUIPS & QUOTES

The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.

It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
being right.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:  People are always available for work
in the past tense.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.

Immortality -- a fate worse than death.  --Edgar A. Shoaff

Pig, n.:  An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.  --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's
Dictionary"

Genius, n.:  A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
"bright".

Politics is like coaching a football team.  You have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.

Gold, n.:  A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It
is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
hasn't done anything to them.  --Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's
Almanac"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
choose from.  --Andrew S. Tanenbaum

"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"  "It's simple,
Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?"
--MacNelley, "Shoe"

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:  When confronted by a difficult
problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question,
"How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"

What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had
to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized that
a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding
mistakes in my own programs.  --Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss
is reading it.

No good deed goes unpunished.  --Clare Boothe Luce

You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
can with just a kind word.  --Bumper Sticker

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:  The first bug to hit a clean windshield
lands directly in front of your eyes.

Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.

As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
--Friedrich Nietzsche

You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.


---
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 19:28:53 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Humor Clean: Short Tall Tales

If Abe Lincoln were alive today, he would have become a baseball announceer
before starting a career in politics, I can hear his strong voice on the
radio stating, "Yes folks, the Yankees were once in this game But that was
FOUR SCORES AND SEVEN ERRORS AGO."

A hearse was taking a man to a cemetery on top of a mountain overlooking a
small town. The driver took a curve too quickly causing the casket to roll
out of the back and down a very long hill. There happened to be a pharmacy
at the bottom of the hill and the casket rolled through the open loading
dock door, down one of the aisles and right past the drug counter. As it
rolled by a customer asked the pharmacist, "DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO STOP
THIS COFFIN"?

Current Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, goes by the nickname
"Bibi". His wife, in contrast to most Israeli "first ladies", plans to take
a more activist role in her country's affairs. Thus, it would be appropriate
when the first summit conference is held between Israel and the PLO to have
Mrs. Netanyahu introduce her husband to the PLO leader Arafat by saying,
"YASIR, THAT'S MY BIBI"

Three brothers went out west to start a cattle ranch. They couldn't think
of an appropriate name for it so they wired their father for suggestions.
He wired back, "CALL IT FOCUS, FOR THAT'S WHERE THE SON'S RAISE MEAT."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank ... proving once and for all that YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR
KAYAK AND HEAT IT, TOO.

The story concerns a butcher who went into a petshop. He fell in love with
one the seabirds in the shop. Alas, he had no money to spend, but the shop
owner agreed to give him the bird in exchange for some of that delicious
German sausage. It seems HE TOOK A TERN FOR THE WURST!!

Police in Kinshasa, Zaire have arrested a duck suspected of sorcery. The
duck was taken into custody after shattering the windshield of a minibus.
Passengers apparently blamed the "evil duck" for the accident...
POLICE SUSPECT FOWL PLAY...

The Crist family worked at a zoo.  Each year they predicedt the overall
mood of the year by watching the the gnu's who, if their ears were forward,
predicted a successful, joyous year, but it their ears were laid back flat,
predicted a sorrowful, disastrous year. One year it was young Mary's turn
to "survey" the animals and come up with the prediction.  It was her first
time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to check on the gnus.  Well,
she botched it, predicting a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. In
explanation, the next winterthe local newspaper ran the following headline:
MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

There are some happy medical sciences (pediatrics, obstetrics), but others
are not so happy. A case in point concerns embryologists who tend to be a
morose and saddened group. No wonder. One of the first things they learn is
that OUR LIVES ARE OVA BEFORE THEY'VE BEGUN.

A Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee;
then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor
replies: "It's very simple. YOU'RE TWO TENTS."

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the
trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their
baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "THEY'RE CARRION."

After Mary Poppins became older, she gave up being a nanny and retired to
the West Coast of the United States. After a while, she became bored and
decided to open up a small detective agency specializing in solving crimes
using her psychic ability and strong nose. She opened a small space on
Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign proudly. It read:
"SUPER CALIFORNIA MYSTIC, EXPERT HALITOSIS."

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm 
going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly,
the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it,
until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
IT WENT IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE UDDER.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 23:10:54 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Hairy Flight

(This really happened - the FE was suspended:)

On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit
so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane.  On one flight,
the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of
a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came
in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on.
Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his
left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the
video showed was a hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that
a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating
some of the controls!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Jan 1998 22:59:36 PST
From:    david jeffries <david_jeffries@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Sonny Bono <Offensive and in bad taste>

Well, That makes it...

TREES ......... 2
CelebritIes .... 0
		--------------------------
A duet sung by Michael Kennedy & Sonny Bono....
"Pine Trees Hurt Babe!"
		--------------------------
I guess the beat doesn't go on...
		--------------------------
When his widow sues the ski area...  will her lawyer be 'Pro-Bono' ?
		--------------------------
Sonny didn't see a tree...  He thought it was Cher up ahead.
		--------------------------
It seems that the conservative Republican Congressman
from California is, after all, a tree hugger!
		--------------------------
As soon as Michael Kennedy's approval ratings went up after his accident,
you just knew that some fool politician would try it...
		--------------------------
What's the difference between Al Gore and Sonny Bono?
One's a tree-hugging stiff...and the other's a tree-hugging stiff.
		--------------------------
How is Sonny like a "Most Wanted" poster?
The County Sheriff is the only one authorized to peel them off a tree!
		--------------------------
What does Congress and U2 have in common?
Each is now missing one Bono.
		--------------------------
What were Sonny Bono's last words?
"I'll show you what Michael Kennedy did wrong..."
		--------------------------
If they have to go in threes...
Has anyone thought of buying O.J. Simpson a season pass to a ski resort?
		--------------------------
Looks like Bono's music carreer has picked up again...
He's the newest member of the Dead Kennedys
		--------------------------
Titles for the Sonny Bono Tribute Album...

I've Gone Blue, Babe!
I've Got Splinters, Babe!
I've Got Yew, Babe!
		--------------------------
Sonny Bono Head-lines...
Recent graduate of the Michael Kennedy ski school.
When last seen he was "pining" for another "sappy" hit.
Ski injuries this season: Several deaths...and at least one broken Bono.
Who will be next? Remember, skiing deaths come in "trees"
More to "Cher" soon!!
		--------------------------
What did Michael Kennedy say to Sonny just before he hit the tree?
"Go out Long!"
		--------------------------
How was Sonny Bono's skiing skills?
Kind of wooden.
		--------------------------
Did you hear Sonny Bono died while skiing?
He fell off the "Cher" lift!
		--------------------------
What did Michael Kennedy say to Sonny when they met in heaven?
"Been there-done that."
		--------------------------
Will the other 6 dwarfs be his pallbearers?
		--------------------------
What did Ted Kennedy say when he heard that it wasn't another Kennedy?
"What a re-leaf!"
		--------------------------
What does the deaths of Farley, Bono & Kennedy have in common?
A white powdery substance.
		--------------------------
Did you hear his latest hit: "Pine Needles and Pins"?
		--------------------------
Sung to the tune of "You've Got Me, Babe"...

They say that tree won't make a dent,
But now that branch has got me heaven sent.
You know what really pisses me,
I'm imitating Michael Kennedy,
Tree,
You got me tree,
You got me tree...
		--------------------------
Why did Sonny die in a ski accident?
After being a mayor and a congressman, he wanted to be a Kennedy.
		--------------------------
What's the difference between Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy?
About five days.
		--------------------------
The Grim Reaper's Boss: "I said, "the singer Ono," not Bono!
Dang, this is the second time you botched a job on her!"
		--------------------------
What was the last thing that went through Sonny Bono's mind?
The 60's.
		--------------------------
How was the body found?
Sonny side up.
		--------------------------
What kind of tribute should Cher perform?
A moment of silence.
		--------------------------
How do we know Sonny was a politician at heart?
At the very end, he was stumping.
		--------------------------
How will the priest begin the eulogy?
"We are gathered together on this slalom occasion...."
		--------------------------
We are all mortal. And in the end, Sonny was just ski and bones
		--------------------------
What was the final score of the football game between Michael Kennedy
and Sonny Bono?

Tree-Tree

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End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Jan 1998 to 9 Jan 1998
**********************************************
