HUMOR Digest - 7 Jan 1998 to 8 Jan 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 643 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Joke Clean:Road Building on =?iso-8859-1?Q?Carter=92s?= Planet.
  2. Common Sense <adult humor>
  3. Tips for Cultists 3 of 4 <adult and off. to religious people>
  4. Watch out for that tree!
  5. Nostradamus strikes again
  6. Nostradamus Striking again  --a third vicitim?
  7. A Royal Stench!
  8. Union Brother (innuendo) et al (warnings within)
  9. Jewish Humor (Offensive to Liars only)
 10. Things I have Learned:
 11. Humor - Bumbling Crooks (2nd of 3 )
 12. Say What (Profanity)
 13. Really Stupid, True Stories, from grafiti-wv.com
 14. Quips & Quotes
 15. Joke Clean: The Museum Curator

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 00:13:03 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean:Road Building on =?iso-8859-1?Q?Carter=92s?= Planet.

Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion - but he always
rose to the challenge. There was, for instance, the time he conducted
a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of
History) recruits, all from late twentieth century Terra, on a training
study of Carter's World, a newly established agricultural colony
attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into
their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists
were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising
ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness
that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies. "Look at the perfection with
which these streets are graded", exclaimed one student. "Earth-moving
machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they
do it?" "A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby", said Feghoot. "Let
us walk that way while I explain."

As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before,
the Carter's World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of
giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the
many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense
and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you
want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread
soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks. "I see", said
the student. "It's not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth
base." "That's right," Feghoot went on smoothly. "You just hit the road
jack and don't come back no mo."

His students registered dismay and anguish. "Isn't that right, old-timer?"
Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the
newly completed alley they had just reached. "Ahm afraid not, suh", said
the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture.
"Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It's the
soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews
is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then,
we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just
completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports
History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks. "So you see,"
he finished, eyes twinkling, "MAH HAMMERED ALLEY IS REALLY CASHEWS CLAY."
Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated.
"AND HE", he said, turning to his students, "IS CLEARLY THE GRADIST."

By Spider Robinson based on a character by Reginald Bretner.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 04:25:40 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Common Sense <adult humor>

*   An actor and a drama critic for a local newspaper were
  having lunch and discussing Shakespeare, since the actor was
  currently playing Hamlet on the stage.
    "Tell me," said the critic, "in your opinion, did Shakespeare
  intend us to believe Hamlet had sexual relations with Ophelia ?"
    "Well..." responded the actor, "I don't know what Shakespeare
  intended, but I usually do."
                                - - - - -

*   Two Columbia Yuppettes were lunching together and the one was
  trying to console the other because she had just come out of a
  fourth failed relationship.
    "You know," the distraught woman said through her tears,
  "sometimes I just feel like moving to Boca Raton and starting
  all over as a virgin."
                                - - - - -

*   The two secretaries were comparing notes on how they had spent
  their New Year's Eve.
    The blonde said, "Well I was fishing through the ice."
    "The ice ???" her co-worker responded, astounded. "On New Year's
  Eve ???  Whatever for ?"
    "Olives." replied the blonde.
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of parties, want an easy way to spot all the Psychology
  students there ?  They're the ones who watch everyone else when
  a beautiful girl in a low cut dress enters the room.
                                - - - - -

* An interloper at a meeting of the Society of Mayflower Descendants
  put the august group in a bit of a tizzy when he responded to a
  question of his lineage with: "Actually, I'm descended from a long
  line my Mother once heard."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 12:19:50 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Tips for Cultists 3 of 4 <adult and off. to religious people>

* If the creature you invoked requests that you send to HUMOR a
  lengthy  repost, with a signature, ASCII art and a personal
  message, don't follow its advice. Larry does not accept any longer
  "The devil made  me do it", as a valid excuse.
* Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in,
  while still affording ample concealment.
* Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely
  comfortable with.
* Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you
  are not absolutely comfortable with.
* If you suddenly find yourself in front of a nerdish-looking guy
  who wears funny robes, weird jewellery and stands inside a
  pentagram, don't laugh: you have probably turned into a demon.
* When a strange artefact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
  Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just
  remember this simple safety tip.
* Never cast a spell on your mother-in-law. She will strike back at
  you, with a much more powerful one (Well, mine did and my wife said
  it was my fault because I started it).
* Never teach summoning spells to your wife, lest you find gorgeous
  young men mysteriously appearing in your house.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 06:44:45 -0600
From:    "Gregory R. Maes" <maesg1@VITEK.COM>
Subject: Watch out for that tree!

With the recent deaths of Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy in skiing
accidents we can expect one more accident, things like this always happen
in trees.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 11:15:27 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Nostradamus strikes again

Quatrain deux cent soixante-dix-sept

        Entree profonde de la Grande Orgue
        Se mourront trois chefs du royaume de l'aigle.
        En temps hivernal gouteront le bois
        Et gueule casseront hors de regle.

Verse 277

        During the violent arrival of the Great Organ, (1)
        Will die three leaders of the kingdom of the eagle. (2)
        In the wintertime, they will taste wood (3)
        Et casseront gueule hors de regle. (4)

(1)     The great organ = el Nin~o, the great weather machine
        that is exerting a stronger-than-normal influence on
        global weather at this time.

(2)     An obvious reference to the unfortunate deaths of
        Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono, two leaders in the
        USA (the country of the eagle).

        Now we have to wonder who is the third leader to
        be killed in a winter accident.

(3)     Taste wood, when they smashed face-first into the trees.

(4)     out of rules: Both Michael and Sonny were not heeding the
        admonitions of the ski patrol and were reckless in their
        behavior when they had their accidents.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 12:22:33 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Re: Nostradamus Striking again  --a third vicitim?

Lee Bradley's sprightly exegesis of Nostradamus --I especially liked the way he
left the 4th line untranslated just to see if we were paying attention-- gives
one pause.

Just who will be the third leader?  I know some of us in New York State are
starting a fund of buy a lift ticket for Sen. Al D'Amato, but I'm sure everyone
out there has his or her own little list of candidates.

What I fear, however, is that some YUPPIE (or YUPETTE) out there may just go
after our beloved JimJr with a pencil...   Let us all pray for his safety.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 16:11:32 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Royal Stench!

 The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the
 Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it
 couldn't be ignored.
 "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about
  that."
 "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment
 added, "As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 23:48:03 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Union Brother (innuendo) et al (warnings within)

Union Brothers & Sisters (innuendo, but essentially clean)

        A union man was in town for a convention and decided to go to a
brothel.  When he got there, he asked the madam how much the "girls" got
from the $100 fee.  She told him that they got $20 while she kept $80.
        He said, "That's terrible!  I have to find a union brothel."
        Off he went to another brothel where he asked the same question of
the madam.  This time he was told, "This is a union brothel.  The 'girls'
keep $80 and I keep $20."
        The union man replied, "That's terrific.  I'll have a wonderful
time with Tiffany."
        To which the Madam replied, "I'm sure you would, but Ethel has
seniority."
--------------------
-= 4/9/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
     -= Top Ten Canadian Complaints About Americans =-

10. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Howie Mandel
 9. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down there against his
    will
 8. Every time we mention the city "Regina," they won't stop giggling
 7. Incredibly, they only have one word for "snow"
 6. In American encyclopedias, Canada often called "North Dakota's gay
    neighbor" *
 5. They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by Canadian
    superstar Gordon Lightfoot
 4. They've never even heard of our most popular superhero, Captain
    Saskatchewan
 3. Two words: "Weird Al"
 2. Sick of that gap-toothed loser on "The Late Show with Paul Shaffer"
 1. Not enough guys named "Gordie"
--------------------
Pastor Fuzz (innuendo)

     The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened
to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar,
drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a
member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of
the bar and sat down next to the woman.
     "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
     "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
     When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back
and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their
balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds,
the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up
to her waist.
     The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we
won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
     The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
     The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 16:58:56 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Jewish Humor (Offensive to Liars only)

>From the Jewish Humor list (via the RELHUMOR-LIST)

The rabbi told his study group, "Next week I plan to go over
the story about the sin of lying.  To help you understand, I want
you all to read Leviticus 28."

   The following week, as he prepared to deliver his lesson, the
rabbi asked for a show of hands.  He wanted to know how many had
read Leviticus 28.  Every hand went up.  The rabbi smiled and said,
"Leviticus only goes through 27.  I will now proceed with my
lesson on the sin of lying."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 17:51:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Things I have Learned:

From: kheebner@juno.com

Having gained a few lbs., I squeezed into a pair of old jeans.  I
wondered if my added weight was noticeable so I asked my husband  "Honey
do these jeans make me look like a side of the house?"  "No dear not at
all," he replied, "our house isn't blue."

The trouble with growing old is having to listen to your children's
advice.

That when your wife answers "nothing" when you ask her what's wrong.
You're in deep trouble.

That when you want a garment to shrink, it won't, and when you don't, it
will come out of the dryer and fit your cat.

That first graders are the only one who think it's neat when their teeth
fall out.

That of all the bad four letter words, DIET is the worst, followed by
work.

That if these are supposed to be the best years of my life, I'm in for
one bumpy ride.

That if you leave clothes in the ironing pile long enough, you'll outgrow
them and you can sell them on a yard sale.


---
2 is not equal to 3 -- even for very large values of 2

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 18:46:29 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Bumbling Crooks (2nd of 3 )

Copied from Ann Landers column who received it from John Wherle,
Graffiti Magazine columnist.
		~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
            Bumbling crooks may need to enroll in Robbery 101.

Dear John Wehrle: Thanks for sending these on. They cracked me up. Here goes:

   Two burglars from Sioux Falls, S.D., broke into a local business but
had trouble fitting the loot into their getaway car. The pair was nabbed
after police saw a safe sticking out of the back of their Honda Prelude.

   Police in Pennsylvania interrogated a suspect by placing a kitchen
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a Xerox machine. A
piece of paper with the words, "He's lying," was placed in the copier.
After the suspect responded to each question, the officers would press the
"copy" button, and the words, "He's lying," would print out. The suspect
figured the "lie detector" had the goods on him, so he confessed.

  Two Argentine men were arrested after they tried to escape on a motor
scooter with a stolen toilet. The pair had gone to a fast-food restaurant
in Buenos Aires and asked to use the bathroom. They then yanked  the toilet
out and ran off with it. The police said it was "unclear" why the men
wanted the toilet.

  Police in Wichita, Kan., arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel
after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills.


Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 21:17:43 EST
From:    Deshazo48 <Deshazo48@AOL.COM>
Subject: Say What (Profanity)

George and Tom were having a beer after work when Tom said, "Hey George,
have you ever said one thing when you really meant to say something
else?"

George: What do you mean?

Tom: Well, take the other day, for instance. I was at the reservation
counter for my last business trip. The agent had a rather sizable chest
and I meant to say, I'd like 2 tickets to Pittsburgh." Instead, what
came out was,"I'd like 2 pickets to Titsberg"

George: Oh yeah! I know just what you mean! This happened to me just
this morning! I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say,
"Please pass the sugar." Instead, what came out was, "You fucking bitch,
you ruined my life!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 6 Jan 1998 22:55:38 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Really Stupid, True Stories, from grafiti-wv.com


Source: http://grafiti-wv.com/random.htm.
                                    -------------
Can t win for losin . In 1989, when the allegedly intoxicated skipper of
the Exxon Valdez ran the tanker aground in Prince William Sound,
Alaska, it cost the company billions in fines and cleanup costs. Exxon
then  began a drug and alcohol treatment program for employees, and
barred those with a history of substance abuse from safety-sensitive
jobs.  Now, because of this, Exxon is being sued by the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission for "discriminating against the
disabled."
                                   -------------

There s one born every minute. Richard Lusk of Victorville, CA, returned
at least six sweepstakes tickets to American Family Publishers that said
he had "...won it all and will definitely receive $12 million cash
guaranteed!"  But after not hearing anything back from the company, he
thought the tickets had been lost in the mail, so he traveled 6,000 miles
across the country to deliver his latest entry in person. He still came up
a loser because he didn t notice the well-known fine print that says,
"...if you have the winning entry."
                                   -------------

Cathy Smith of Wallback, Clay County, reported that someone broke into
her automobile while it was parked next to CAMC s General Division in
Charleston and stole her car alarm. Police said the alarm was the only
thing that was taken from the vehicle.
                                    -------------

Circle-jerk Economics 101: The city of Charleston has pledged to
contribute at least $5.5 million to help fund the proposed Center for
the Arts and Sciences downtown.  Where does the city plan to get the
money? About $1 million of it is expected to come from building permit
fees charged to the construction contractors who will put up the building.
                                    -------------

Adults do the darndest things. First, a nine-year-old Virginia boy was
accused of beinga drug pusher for handing out Certs to his friends [see
last month s Nuts]; then, a student at DuPont Jr. High got in trouble for
passing out cough drops.  Now, a six-year-old in Colorado Springs has been
suspended for giving away lemon drops he bought at a health food store.
"I can t believe these people are educating our kids," his mom said.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 18:11:44 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Quips & Quotes

QUIPS & QUOTES

We have nothing to fear but fear itself.  That, and those great big
furry spiders.  --Lev L. Spiro

When I hear someone say they give "110%" to whatever they're doing, it
makes me feel good inside, because I know I'm not as big a moron as that
person is.  --Jim Rosenberg

If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.  --Herb Caen

Boob's Law:  You always find something in the last place you look.

While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
admission to someone else.

Emersons' Law of Contrariness:  Our chief want in life is somebody who
shall make us do what we can.  Having found them, we shall then hate
them for it.

If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.  --G.B. Shaw

It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.

Garter, n.:  An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of
her stockings and desolating the country.  --Ambrose Bierce, "The
Devil's Dictionary"

If you can't be good, be careful.  If you can't be careful, give me a
call.

Think honk if you're a telepath.

Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.

You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.

Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.  --Miguel de
Cervantes

You're at the end of the road again.

There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.  --Mark
Twain

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) -- You are practical and persistent.  You have
a dogged determination and work like hell.  Most people think you are
stubborn and bull headed.  You are a Communist.

Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:  that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.

The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
protein -- it rejects it.  --P. Medawar

Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.  --M.C. Reed.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Lieberman's Law:  Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody
listens.

If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
plantation and go home.  --Eugene P. Gallagher

Chicago, n.:  Where the dead still vote ... early and often!

Character Density:  the number of very weird people in the office.

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.  --G.K.
Chesterton

Truthful, adj.:  Dumb and illiterate.  --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's
Dictionary"

God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.  --Kronecker

A witty saying proves nothing.  --Voltaire


---
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Jan 1998 20:52:49 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: The Museum Curator

Benjamin Shapiro was the curator at the Metropolitan Museum of Art,
although his primary job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and
polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit,
and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his
dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared
before him. "Master," the genie began, "I am the genie of the urn. I can
grant you three wishes, but there is

one condition I will put on you -- you must never shave or cut your beard
for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside
the urn forever." Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a
fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 51% of the total
Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most
beautiful woman in the world as his wife and lo and behold she was. Finally,
he wished for fame and fortune and he instantly became as a worldwide
celebrity. Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until
it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch more and
more. He tried to ignore it, but the itch constantly became worse. Finally
he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly
he was trapped in the urn to stay there forever.

The moral of the story: A BENNY SHAVED IS A BENNY URNED.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Jan 1998 to 8 Jan 1998
**********************************************
