HUMOR Digest - 31 Dec 1997 to 1 Jan 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 321 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Kindergarten kiddies <mild language>
  2. Moore Yuppies <some adult humor>
  3. Alms <may be off. to us Catholics>
  4. Computin' Down The Highway (Non-offensive)
  5. Humor - Photo Essay
  6. A few from ventings
  7. For Parents With Kids (May bore others :-)
  8. Joke clean but insensitive: Seseme Street Bus: Maybe objectionable to
     parents

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Date:    Wed, 31 Dec 1997 09:03:46 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Kindergarten kiddies <mild language>

(Another 1% who left this list are Indians out of India 'coz we just
 can't get Chalapathi's joke's either!)


     The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher
wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.
She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words.  She then asked
them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No,
No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."  The next
little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said,
"No, No, you went on a trip on a train.  That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer.
He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had
read.  He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the Shit."

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Date:    Wed, 31 Dec 1997 03:54:58 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore Yuppies <some adult humor>

*   Color me dense, because it never occurred to me that people in
  other parts of the world may not know what a Yuppie/Yuppette is.
    Well, let's put it this way, if Yuppyism were a religion, all
  of the congregation would be fanatics.  It would be a New Age
  spiritualism sect with shallow mysticism cloaking reptilian
  morals, vicious corruption, naked ambition and ruthless greed.
    They would only have two short commandments:
       1) Acquire
       2) Do others
                                - - - - -

*   Lil' Bobby's Mother had been away a week at a N.O.W. convention
  and when she returned to her Columbia Maryland home, she was
  anxious to hear about his week.
    "Well, one night we had a thunderstorm, and I was scared, so
  Daddy and me slept together." her son said.
    "Bobby !" said the boy's French Au Pair, "Don't you mean 'Daddy
  and I ?'"
    "No !" replied Bobby.  "That was Thursday, I'm talking about
  Monday night."
                                - - - - -

*   Charles was taking his out-of-town buddy Clyde on a walking tour
  of Columbia.  Clyde saw a good-looking girl and asked Charles if
  he knew her.
    "Yes, that's Jacqueline -- one hundred and twenty dollars."
    A little further along, Clyde spotted an even more stunning girl
  and asked if Charles happened to know her also.
    "Yes, that Rosalynn -- one hundred and eighty dollars."
    After the process was repeated twice more, Clyde remarked, "Good
  Heavens !  Aren't there any respectable women in Columbia ?"
    "Of course !" replied Charles, highly offended. "But you couldn't
  afford them either."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 31 Dec 1997 12:31:22 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Alms <may be off. to us Catholics>

My cousin Sandro sent me this:

An Italian politician asked an influential Cardinal, " What can the
government do to help the Church?" The Cardinal replied,
"Quit printing one thousand lira bills!"

Note: 1,000 lira = US $ 0.60

Errata corrige: In Italy, it is not the government that helps the
Church. If anything, it is the other way round.

Happy New Year to you all.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 31 Dec 1997 09:30:41 -0500
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Computin' Down The Highway (Non-offensive)

COMPUTIN' DOWN THE HIGHWAY

Intel will soon be offering a new voice-activated in-car computer that
will read e-mail out loud to the driver and automatically call 911 if
there's a collision;  the system will offer the same functions as a
desktop, plus connection to the Internet and a wireless keyboard for
passengers.  A manager for the Connected Car program explains:  "The
idea is that you're keeping your passengers connected with information
systems."  Intel is in talks with major manufacturers to have the
computers included in cars by 2000.  (San Jose Mercury News 29 Dec 97)


I assume we've finally reached the point where a "system CRASH" becomes
really meaningful!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 31 Dec 1997 09:48:51 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Photo Essay

                         Police and photo play.

 A speeding motorist caught by a roadside camera in England tried to play a
little joke when British police sent a penalty notice.

 The notice included a photograph of the car, the date and the speed, and
demanded payment of a $65 fine. The motorist sent a photograph of a check,

Superintendent Deryck Farmer said in a holiday message to a newspaper in
Crewe in northwest England.

 Police sent back a photograph of a pair of handcuffs.

 The motorist, who was not identified, got the message: He mailed a check.


Source: Houston Chronicle

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Date:    Wed, 31 Dec 1997 13:22:08 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: A few from ventings

The following silly observations and rude questions were selected from
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent/ which is produced by the
Atlanta Journal-Constitution


When I was a little girl my Christmas Eve prayer was: "Dear God,
please don't let Santa Claus know that I know he is not real."

What happens if you are at the wrong place at the right time?

Is there some law that says that every dance company has to do "The
Nutcracker" at Christmas?

We all chipped in and got the boss a paper shredder for Christmas.
Top of the line. The autographed, personalized, Hillary Clinton
model.

Do I have to drink five glasses of water before going to a
liquidation sale?

I told my girlfriend I've got money to burn and she said, "Well, I've
got the matches."

In an effor to settle the situation in the Middle East, the U.S. is
sending 10,000 troops, the French 2,500 Legionnaires, and England 250
au pairs.

Peace on earth, goodwill to men -- except those boneheads who cut you
off in traffic.

Seen on a sign at Daytona Beach: "Bathing suits half off."

My wife asked me if I loved her more than basketball. I said,
"College or NBA?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 31 Dec 1997 20:34:38 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: For Parents With Kids (May bore others :-)

This is only for those parents out there with children.
Share these with them.
Everyone else, skip my submission today
		--------------------

Here are some jokes from Rosie O'Donnells new book KIDS ARE PUNNY

Knock knock.  Who's there?  Little old lady.  Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.

What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A milk dud.

What did Snow White say when she was waiting for her photos?
Some day my prints will come.

Where do you find the world's biggest spider?
In the World Wide Web.

How did the skunk call home?
On his smellular phone.

If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say?
Hiss and Hearse.

How do angels answer the phone?
Halo?

What is Beethoven doing in his grave?
Decomposing.

What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
No thanks.  I'm stuffed.

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Date:    Wed, 31 Dec 1997 20:34:49 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke clean but insensitive: Seseme Street Bus: Maybe objectionable to
         parents

A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School Bus
Company. His first day on the job, he arrives at his first stop, opens
the doors and looks out at his first passengers. There he sees a mother
and her two daughters. The mother looks into the bus and says, "You're
new aren't you?" The bus driver says, "Yes ma'am, I am." She says,
"Well, I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and
this is Patty Anne." He simply can't believe his eyes - these kids are
big. Really big. I mean, they're fat. The mother says, "Now Patty Sue and
Patty Anne are big for their age..." He keeps his tongue under control.
She says, "I'd like you to give my two little girls individual seats of
their own on your bus." "No problem," he says, as the two girls squeeze
down the aisle and find their seats. He closes the door and drives to the
next stop.

He opens the bus doors and he sees a mother and her young son. The mother
looks at him and says, "You're new, aren't you?" He says, "Yes, ma'am, I
am." She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my son Josh. He's very special."
And he looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all
nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together.
He has pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the short-sleeved dress shirt.
He has the white socks and sandals. The mother says, "My Josh is very
special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want
him to sit up front every day." "No problem," says our driver, as Josh
proudly seats himself right up front. The bus driver closes the door and
goes to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and sees a mother and another little boy. The mother
looks at him and says, (you guessed it) "You're new aren't you?" He says,
"Yes, ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is
my son Lester." And when the driver looks at Lester, it's a pitiful sight
to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He's limping
painfully. The mother says, "Lester has problems with his feet." The
driver nods sympathetically. The mother says, "I want you to help Lester
as he gets on and off your bus every day, so that he will not trip,
stumble, or fall." The driver says, "No problem," and he helps Lester limp
to his seat. And then, as he closes the bus doors and drives away, he sees
in his rearview mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is
picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's
disgusting, the way that Lester picks at his feet. Our driver shudders
and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn.

He parks the bus and finds his supervisor. He walks right up to the boss
and yells, "I QUIT!" The boss says, "Whaddya mean, you quit?"  The bus
driver replies, "There's no future in this job." The boss says, "What are
to talking about?" And the bus driver answers, "Well here's my problem.
How could I take a job where all I would have to look forward to every
day would be... TWO OBESE PATTYS, SPECIAL JOSH AND LESTER CLEESE PICKING
BUNIONS ON A SESAME STREET BUS?"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Dec 1997 to 1 Jan 1998
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