HUMOR Digest - 30 Dec 1997 to 31 Dec 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 552 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Happy New Year
  2. FW: honeymoon <may be off. to women>
  3. The farmer's son <sexual content>
  4. Humor - Want Fries With That? (Distasteful)
  5. Payback Time...(offesive to sensitive women)
  6. Hewish Humor: Chutzpa!
  7. [JOKE] Cowboys' Joke
  8. Ticket, please... (clean), the Experiment (innuendo)
  9. More venting from the deep south
 10. Some Religious Humor
 11. Vernacular Jokes

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Date:    Tue, 30 Dec 1997 03:44:10 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Happy New Year

READY-MADE RESOLUTIONS FOR INTERNETers - 1998

* Stop neglecting children; at least learn their names & birthdays

* Read all of the mail from all of the groups I've subscribed to

* Limit my subscriptions of e-mail jokes to a maximum of fifty

* See if there's anything on those 5 1/4" disks really worth saving

* Back-up 5 gig hard drive weekly; well, maybe at least monthly

* Not rush to any ftp site as soon as I hear of a new Beta

* Insist that all "ten best" lists be strictly limited to ten

* Not buy magazines with AOL disks just to get another 1.44MB disk

* Answer Snail Mail with the same enthusiasm & promptness as e-mail

* Spend less than two hours a day on the Web; on new sites anyway

* Promise when I hear "Where do you want to go today ?" I won't laugh

* Think of a password other than "password" to use on web sites

* Try to keep "Hot" Bookmarks under 1,000 entries

* Remember people who use low baud and mhz rates have feelings too

* Stop using  =-)  in all inter-office memos

* Start deleting stuff I haven't used in over 5 years

* Engage in small talk & not mention computers for at least 10 minutes

* Try to think up some new resolutions before next year


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Dec 1997 15:07:44 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: honeymoon <may be off. to women>

  A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When
they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother,
who lived a couple of hours away.

 "Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

 "Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we
had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using
really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible
4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home...
PLEASE MOTHER!"  And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

  "But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"

  "I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful!
COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"

  "Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother
the 4-letter words!"

  Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like: DUST... WASH...
IRON... COOK!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Dec 1997 09:47:40 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: The farmer's son <sexual content>

The farmer finds his son behind the barn pulling his pud, and the old man
exclaims, "Son, if you are old enough to do that, then you are old enough
to get married."  The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow
and arranges a wedding between his boy and the neighbor's daughter.  The
two are soon married and move in with the groom's father.  The next
morning, the farmer father comes behind the barn and discovers his son
flailing away, just as before.  "Son, I got you married so you wouldn't
have to do that!" "Ah, pa, she ain't got no grip at all!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Dec 1997 09:11:32 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Want Fries With That? (Distasteful)

            Opening up a can of chocolate-covered worms.

 BUTLER, Pennsylvania (CNN) -- The kids in Mr. Greco's 11th-grade science
class got a worm's-eye view of alternative food sources last week.

 The students at Knoch High School consumed worms as part of an experiment.
The worms were fried, and some were coated in chocolate.

 Some students took the worms home for the holiday, a supplement to their
normal Christmas diets of egg nog and cookies.

 Teacher Ray Greco said the day may come when humans need to eat worms to
survive because of food shortages.

 "With the continuing overpopulation of the world, there are bound to be
adjustments in behavior," he said. "Part of that can mean adjusting food
sources and what we eat."

 The majority of the class tried at least one.  "I did it because it was
cool," said Josh Murdoch. "It's really not that bad."

 Erica Link chose the worms without chocolate and reported that they tasted
"crunchy and hollow" like pumpkin seeds.

 But Andrea Karenbauer declined to pop one of the tasty critters in her mouth.
 "I wasn't even going to come today because I have better things to do than
eat worms."

 The Associated Press contributed to this report.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Dec 1997 11:25:53 -0700
From:    Scotty <colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Payback Time...(offesive to sensitive women)

       Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
 heating up.  But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like  it, I
 just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains
 that he needs to be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The
 husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as
 well deal with it.  So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a
 big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive
 outfits.  And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them.  Then
 goes over and gets matching shoes worth $500 each. And then goes to the
 Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings.  The wife is so
 excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care).
 She goes for the tennis bracelet.  The husband says "but you don't even
 play tennis, but OK  if you like it then lets get it."   The wife is
 jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going
 on.20 She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."  The
 husband  says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
 stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey  - I just want you to HOLD
 this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to
 explode and then the Husband says  "You need to be in tune with my
 financial needs as a Man!!!


http://members.tripod.com/~scollier

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Dec 1997 13:09:18 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Hewish Humor: Chutzpa!

 Arnie came running into his partner's office, yelling "Al! Al! We're ruined!"
 Al replied, "Calm down, Arnie; what's the matter?"
 "We just had a shipment of two hundred and ten dozen black brassieres
 returned! What can we do? We'll lose money!"
 "Hey! Don't worry! We'll cut them in half, cut off the straps, and we'll
 have four hundred and twenty dozen yarmulkes ready to ship!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Dec 1997 11:16:33 +0000
From:    "Daniel R. Israel" <disrael@IA-US.COM>
Subject: [JOKE] Cowboys' Joke

Barry Switzer, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboy's losing record,
decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret is. So, Switzer
travels up to a 49er practice and asks Mariucci, "Coach, how is it that
your team is so good? What's your secret?"

Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. "Steve, who's your
father's brother's nephew?" Young answers, "Why coach, that's easy.
It's me."

Mariucci turns to Switzer and says, "That's the secret, Barry. A smart
quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."

Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Switzer returns to
Texas and the Cowboy work-out. He promptly calls over Troy Aikman.
"Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Troy looks perplexed,
thinks a minute and says, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice
on that one?" Switzer (disgusted) says, "OK."

During practice, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. "Deion, coach just
asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
Sanders: "Duh! That's easy. It's me!"

After practice, Aikman catches up with Switzer: "Coach, I think I've got
it. My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders."

Switzer (angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Steve Young!!!


* Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you
  have for which you would not take money.

http://www.best.com/~akeem
------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Dec 1997 22:08:46 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Ticket, please... (clean), the Experiment (innuendo)

Ticket, please...

     Three Engineers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference.
 At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three
Engineers buy only a single ticket.
     "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.
     "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.
     They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all
three Engineers cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
     The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on.
     The MBAs see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the MBAs decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and
save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to
the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.  To their
astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
     "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA.
     "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.
     When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a bathroom and the
three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.  Shortly
afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his bathroom and walks over to the
bathroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket,
please."
--------------------
The Experiment

     A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar.  After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to
her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"
     She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally,
the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his
table.
     After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."
     To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Dec 1997 18:58:47 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More venting from the deep south

The following silly observations and rude questions were selected
from http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent/
which is produced by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution

My wife asked me if she could become a dominatrix. I said sure, but
she'd have to lighten up a little bit.

I usually have my toast and coffee in my car on the way to work along
with my traffic jam.

Why is it a wife can buy her husband a lawn mower for Christmas, but
if he buys her a vacuum clearn, it's a death sentece.

Only in the AJC would a series of reports on death and dying be
located on the front page of the Living section.

I think, therefore I am -- I think.

Bumper sticker: "Smile! It's the second-best thing you can do with
your lips."

I went out for dinner wearing new shoes. I couldn't eat at this once
place, though. They had a sign that said, "Shirt and shoes must be
worn."

Why do so many women who have pretty blond hair dye their roots
borwn?

Who won the Gulf War? The oil companies.

If people can sue the tobacco companies because they chose to smoke
cigarettes, could I sue the credit card companies for letting me get
deeply in debt?

The UPS man is always in a hurry, the mailman is a woman, and the
milkman is history. What's a bored housewife supposed to do for fun
these days?

If you take the bull by the horns, then what?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Dec 1997 21:27:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Some Religious Humor

From: TtonyY 

Eleazer Bokar appeared at the gates of Heaven and knocked for
admittance.  The great doors slowly swung open and the patriach Abraham
stepped out, blowing his golden trumpet.  When he had finished the
welcoming concerto, he turned to Eleazer and said, "Greetings, blood of
my blood and flesh of my flesh.  God awaits you."

Recovering from the awesome splendor of this type of welcome, Eleazer
quickly replied, "Father Abraham, I am ready to meet our God," and
stepped forward to enter the celestial portals.

"Wait, my brother," said Abraham, halting Eleazer with an imperiously,
upraised palm.  "Before entering God's Kingdom, you must first prove
that you are worthy of the honor."

"But how can I prove my worthiness," queried Eleazer.

"You must show that, at least once in your mortal life, you displayed
outstanding courage.  Can you recall one unquestionably brave deed?"

Eleazer's face brightened as he said, "Yes I can!  I remember going to
the Roman Consul's palace where I met him face to face.  He was
surrounded by dozens of legionnaires, all of whom were armed.  Ignoring
this fact, I told him that he was a camel's behind, that he was a
vulture who fed upon the bones of Jerusalem's oppressed, and that he
was a persecutor of humble Jews.  I then spat in his face."

"Well," exclaimed Abraham, "I am impressed.  I must agree that that was
an extremely brave feat to perform - considering the armed guards and
the Roman Consul's hatred of Jews.  Yes, my brother, you have certainly
earned admittance into Paradise, but please tell me, when did all this
happen?"

"Oh," replied Eleazer casually, "about 30 seconds ago - right before you
welcomed me."

			-----------------------

How do you make Holy Water?

Boil the hell out of it.
			-----------------------

Yesterday I became a Jehova's Witness. Not because of the religion but
so they would stop comming to my house.

			-----------------------

When does the Jewish male fetus become a person (according to religious
custom)?

When it graduates from Law school.

			-----------------------

CHURCH NOTICES

This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the
church.  The children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday, at 7:00 p.m., there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers' Club.
All those wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the
minister in his study.

Wednesday, at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.  All the ladies
giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will as Mrs. Hooker to come forward and lay an
egg on the altar.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken up to defray the expense of a
new carpet.  Will all those wishing to do something on the carpet come
forward and get a piece of paper.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet.  Mrs. Johson will sing:
"Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.

The services will close with "Little Drops Of Water."  One of the ladies will
start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be
seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement.  Music
will follow.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belser.


---
Confucius say: Look for helping hand on end of own arm.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 31 Dec 1997 09:23:47 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Vernacular Jokes

<aside>
A further 1% decline in humor list subscribers can be attributed to
one nonsensical mail by a certain Mr.Blum...(whats-his-name??)...
Anyway,looks like we have the creme de la creme of the subscribers now

Happy New Year everyone!
</aside>


Mumbai-ite jokes :-
----------------
Q :  How come the Bombay Ranji team has so many fast bowlers?
A :  West Indians are natural fast bowlers.
Q :  How do dogs in Dombivli (place near Bombay) wag their tails?
A :  Up & down. Because, they don't have enough space to wag sideways.
Q :  What did one tamarind in a sack tell its neighbour?
A :  "I feel as if I am travelling in a Bombay local". :

			Bong jokes
		 ( no knowledge of Bengali reqd )
			----------
Q :  How does the Bong learn the alphabet?
A :  A for Orange, B for Bhegetable.... :
Q :  How does a Bong relax in the evening?
A :  He goes to the Howrah Breez to get some Brij. :
Q :  What does the Bong do first in the morning?
A :  After baking up from hees slip, he removes the bed-shit. :

			Delhi-ite jokes
			---------------
Q :  Red-line private buses are notorious for their recklessness
     and hit rate. When a red-line bus is on the road, which is
     the best place be in?
A :  Inside the bus.

			Calcuttan jokes
			---------------
Q :  What does a Calcuttan who has a lot of time do? And what
     does a hurrying Calcuttan do?
A :  The one with a lot of time takes some public
     transport(bus/tram). The Calcuttan in a hurry would walk.
Q :  Why are Metro commuters like Dawood Ibrahim?
A :  Because they are underground.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Dec 1997 to 31 Dec 1997
************************************************
