HUMOR Digest - 29 Dec 1997 to 30 Dec 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 562 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Joke Clean: Lou Alcinder
  2. Columbia Maryland <some adult humor>
  3. Decline in numbers on the Humor List (offensive to most)
  4. Are you a music geek?
  5. Humor - It's A Wacky World! (Bad taste)
  6. Polar Bear? (language), Blonde (clean), The Pilot (language)
  7. Cookie Delivery
  8. Testicle Festival...need I say more?
  9. Thought Provoking Questions (not really offensive)
 10. Women <clean>

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Date:    Mon, 29 Dec 1997 01:25:07 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: Lou Alcinder

Lou Alcinder was probably the greatest college basketball player of all
time leading UCLA to three NCAA championships.

After graduating, he changed his name to Kareem Abdul Jabbar in
recogniiton of his Muslem faith. He led the Milwaukee Bucks and later the
Los Angeles Lakers to NCAA championships. Along with Bill Russell and Wilt
Chamberlain, he is still considered one of the three best centers ever to
play in the NCAA. After finishing his basketball career, he became an actor
and is probably best remembered as the co-pilot in the farce "Airplane"

Even in college, he was fascinated by modern biological science and took
part in an experiment whee cells were removed from his mouth, cultured and
frozen where thy will be kept until science is advanced enough to clone
humons. He has been promised that his cells will be the first used.

Because of this the project at UCLA has always been known as...
Iced Kareem Clone.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Dec 1997 05:32:02 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Columbia Maryland <some adult humor>

*   Two Yuppettes were comparing notes concerning their latest
  boyfriends.
    The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and
  showed me all these expensive jewels.  There was an emerald-cut
  diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats,
  and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
    "Impressive." said the second Yuppette.
    "Well... yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that
  with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."
                                - - - - -

*   A Yuppie upon arriving at his home in Columbia Maryland found
  his wife in bed with another man.  He shot them both, then went
  to the phone and called his lawyer.
    After explaining the circumstances, he said, "I'd like you to
  get right over here and take care of this."
    "No problem Aston." replied the lawyer.  "And I'll bring three
  eyewitnesses with me."
                                - - - - -

*   The unhappy bill collector made a personal trip to Columbia
  to speak to a Yuppie concerning a series of long overdue bills
  and offer some advice to the guy on managing money.
    "Why do you let that wife of yours spend so much more money
  than the two of you make w/o objecting ?" the collector asked.
    "Because." the husband replied.  "I'd rather argue with you
  than with her."
                                - - - - -

* The Columbia Association runs Columbia Maryland in much the same
  way any local government body functions.  Because of some bad
  publicity, they recently had an audit.  The auditors reported:
  illegal investments, inadequate records, nepotism, no-bid
  contracts and money wasted.  The Council was relieved that the
  firm found nothing serious wrong.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Dec 1997 11:43:20 -0000
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Decline in numbers on the Humor List (offensive to most)

In response to Jim's comments on the 20% decline in membership of the humor
list, here are some reasons:

1. The posting of the 847th chicken road-crossing joke (my word processor
   counted 'em) frightened off 1%. (I believe as a result of these stupid
   jokes, chickens are comitting suicide in droves starting in Hong Kong)

2. The way Jim Jr. usually gets his humor posted to the top of the digest
   version makes people think that the list is rigged and 1% leave.
   (How the hell does he do that anyway?)

3. Everytime a Surd joke was posted, 1% left cause most of the list are
   Westerners and couldn't understand......(by the way, how does Chalap
   whatshisname.... usually get his joke to be the LAST in the digest
   version? Could he and Jim be in cahoots... or worse still, are they
   the same person?)

   Imagine, your whole humor life sandwiched between the macho antifeminist
   anti-gay Moore, and a man whose name you can hardly pronounce and whose
   jokes require a deep understanding of the Karma Sutra.......

4. But the real killer I'm told was a rumour that Brian "Nerdnosh" Myers
   might be rejoining the list. That killed the final 17%........

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Dec 1997 23:17:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Are you a music geek?

YOU MIGHT BE A  "MUSIC THEORY GEEK"  IF . . .

your favorite pickup line is, "What's your favorite augmented sixth
chord?"

you like to march around your room to the rhythms of Stravinsky's "Le
Sacre du Printemps."

you love to quote Walter Piston.

you long for the good old days of movable G-clefs.

you feel the need to end Tchaikovsky's Pathetique Symphony with a
picardy third.

you can improvise 16th century counterpoint with no trouble, but you
frequently forget how to tie your shoes.

you lament the decline of serialism.

you enjoy the tang of a tritone whenever you can.

you like to deceive your friends and loved ones with deceptive cadences.

you find free counterpoint too liberal.

you wonder what a "Danish Sixth" would sound like.

the "Corelli Clash" gives you goosebumps.

you can hear an enharmonic modulation coming a mile away.

you have ever done a Schenkerian analysis on "Three Blind Mice."

you have ever tried to do a Schenkerian analysis on John Cage's " 4'33" ".

you have hosted a "Gurrelieder" party.

you have ever pondered what an augmented seventh chord would sound like.

bass motion by ascending thirds or a sequential pattern with roots in
ascending fifths immediately strikes you as "belabored."

you know what the ninth overtone of the harmonic series is off the top
of your head.

you can name ten of Palestrina's contemporaries.

you have ever heard a wrong note in a performance of a piece by Berio,
Stockhausen, or Boulez.

when you're feeling particularly prankish, you transpose Mozart arias
to locrian mode.

you keep a notebook of useful diminutions.

those "parasitic" dissonances make you queasy, especially when left
unresolved.

you know the difference between a Courante and a Corrente.

you have ever used the word "fortspinnung" in polite conversation.

you feel cheated by evaded cadences.

every now and then you like to kick back and play something in
hypophrygian mode.

you abbreviate your shopping list using figured bass.

you have ever told a joke that had this punchline: "because it was
POLYPHONIC!"

you know dirty acronyms for the order of sharps.

you can not only identify any one of Bach's 371 Harmonized Chorales by
ear, but you also know on what page it appears in the Riemenschneider
edition and how many suspensions it has in the first seven bars.


---
I'm completely sane, according to the voices in my head

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Dec 1997 09:10:49 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World! (Bad taste)

                         Coffee, tea or cup of . . .
 By BILL WAMPLER

Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle

 Three men used coffee, soda and their own urine to land their
single-engine plane after its hydraulic fluid leaked out.

 Pilot John Strahan and two golfing friends were bound for Mesquite, Nev.,
for a golf tournament when, a half-hour out of Ogden, Utah, he noticed the
plane had lost its hydraulic fluid.

 Unable to lower his front landing gear or to retract the back gear,
Strahan circled the airport, trying to use up fuel and expecting to land
the plane on its belly.

 A mechanic in the control tower, though, told the men to find the
hydraulic fluid reservoir and dump in any liquid they could find.

 Strahan said he put coffee and soda in. When that failed to do the trick,
the men passed around a cup. Sure enough, the landing gear went into place
and the plane landed safely.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Dec 1997 18:16:57 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Polar Bear? (language), Blonde (clean), The Pilot (language)

Polar Bear?

     A Polar bear family is walking through the frozen tundra of the North
Pole when the baby bear stops and looks up at his mother.
     "Mama, am I a polar bear?" the baby bear asks.
     "Well of course you're a polar bear."  Replies the Mama Polar bear.
     They walk on through the freezing snow.  Again the baby stops, shakes
his head and asks again; "Mama, are you sure I'm a polar bear."
     "Yes, I am quite sure.  You can even ask your Papa."
     So the baby polar baby turns to his papa and and asks one more time;
"Papa, am I a Polar Bear?"
     The Papa Polar bear picks up his son, putting him on his big furry lap
and says. "Yes son, you're a Polar bear, I'm a Polar Bear, your mother is a
Polar bear,  we're all Polar bears."
     "OK" says the baby Polar bear with concern on his face.  And they walk
on.
     Once Again the Baby bear stops, throws his paws in the air and looks
up at his parents, "I don't think I'm a Polar bear!" he screams.
     "Why not?" asks Mama and Papa Polar bear.
     "'Cause I'm fucking cold!"
--------------------

The Blonde

     A businessman got on an elevator in a building.  When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,
"T-G-I-F" (letters only).
     He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
     She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
     He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
     The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile
and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
     The man smiled back to her and once again replied, "S-H-I-T."
     The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
     The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
--------------------

The Pilot

Prior to take off, passengers on a major airline were surprised to hear a
woman's voice on the pilot's intercom.  She said, "Although I am a woman, I
also am a fully qualified pilot and will be your Captain on this flight.
I've had extensive training on all types of aircraft and can fly them as
well, or better, than any man.  If you wish to see a demonstration of my
flying skills, once we have reached our scheduled flying altitude and the
seat-belt sign has been turned off, feel free to unbuckle your seat-belt,
stroll down the aisle and join me in the cuntpit."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Dec 1997 14:30:38 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Cookie Delivery

Singapore -- Thousands of sea miles separating an American mother from
her Navy son could not stop her from sending him his favorite Christmas
cookies -- 700 pounds of them.

Andy Norton, a slightly pudgy 22-year-old technician on a U.S. destroyer,
was overwhelmed Thursday when told his mother and a townful of friends in
tiny Elkhorn, Wisconsin, had baked the cookies for him and his shipmates
10,000 miles away in equatorial Singapore.

"This is nuts, this is crazy.  I am kind of surprised and embarrassed.
This is unbelievable," Norton cried, turning crimson amid cheers from
his 320 friends.

"It doesn't surprise me, though.  My mom is like that.  But I didn't think
she would get the whole town behind it," he said.

The sailors of the USS Paul Hamilton were at first bewildered when a third
of a ton of cookies and a brace of Singaporean girls dressed as elves
landed on their deck.

Ship Commander William Landay had kept the surprise a close secret for more
than a month.

"We are all away from our home and families since November, and these people
whom we have never met have gone out of their way to do something," he said.

Said Norton, "I am a bit overweight, and this is not helping very much, but
I like it anyway."

His mother has sent homemade cookies to him every Christmas throughout his
three years in the service.

The great 1996 bake began when Norton's mom gathered a few more mothers to
make enough cookies for some of her son's friends, too.

Before they could cry "dough," moms from all over the town of 5,000 had
gathered in the spirit of Christmas to make enough for the entire ship.

Then they faced the problem of how to get the sacks of cookies halfway
across the world in time for Christmas.

An international courier company, DHL, read about their plight in a local
newspaper and flew in the cookies for free.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Dec 1997 14:30:41 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Testicle Festival...need I say more?

Rock Creek Lodge was once known as "The Snake Pit," a dingy tourist trap
featuring a giant boa constrictor.  Then a promotional genius named Rod
Lincoln bought it, and now more than 10,000 people are expected to converge
on Rock Creek Lodge this week for the 15th annual Testicle Festival.

Tons of Rocky Mountain oysters -- also known as Montana Tendergroin, cowboy
caviar and less printable names -- will be served during the five-day event.  Some 1,500 cases of beer will wash down the beef.

But this Montana Mardi Gras is about much more than food and drink. There
is the bullchip-throwing contest, the wet T-shirt contest and the hairy-
chest contest.

The world's most risque food festival is not for kids or prudes.

"Everybody lets their hair down," said Rock Creek Lodge employee D.D.
Voldtvedt.  "Some people leave their clothes on.  Some people don't."

In cattle country, the testicles of bulls long have been prized as a
delicacy and Rock Creek Lodge is hardly the first restaurant to serve
them.  But Lincoln, a former school superintendent, took the bull by the
horns, so to speak, and ran with it.

Five thousand T-shirts emblazoned with "Testicle Festival -- I had a ball"
are in the gift shop. Two tons of testicles from a Colorado slaughterhouse
are in the freezer.

"The poor things are not castrated for this event," Voldtvedt said.

The lodge's exact recipe for Rocky Mountain oysters is a secret.  But this
much Lincoln will reveal:  The testicles are fileted in strips, marinated,
breaded, deep fried and served with hot sauce.

They have the texture of veal and the flavor of pork rinds.  Although they
do not have a strong taste, they are rich.  And they are similar to the
Rocky Mountain oysters served at other feeds in the West.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Dec 1997 17:05:24 -0700
From:    Scotty <colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Thought Provoking Questions (not really offensive)

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears in sign language, does his mother wash his
hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
away?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?


* You don't stop playing because you grow old,
  You grow old because you stop playing

http://members.tripod.com/~scollier

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Dec 1997 09:48:53 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Women <clean>

WOMEN ARE COMPLEX CREATURES

If you kiss her,
   you are not a gentleman
If you don't,
   you are not a man

If you praise her,
   she thinks you are lying
If you don't,
   you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes,
   you are a wimp
If you don't,
   you are not understanding

If you visit her often,
   she thinks you are boring
If you don't,
   she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed,
   she says you are a playboy
If you don't,
   you are a dull boy

If you are jealous,
   she says it's bad
If you don't,
   she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance,
   she says you didn't respect her
If you don't,
   she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late,
   she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late,
   she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man,
   you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman,
   "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while,
   she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often,
   she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
   you lack ethics
If you do,
   she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman,
   she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men,
   she says that they are just admiring

If you talk,
   she wants you to listen
If you listen,
   she wants you to talk

In short:

So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful...
......WOMEN!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Dec 1997 to 30 Dec 1997
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