HUMOR Digest - 28 Dec 1997 to 29 Dec 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 285 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Annual Traffic Report
  2. Dave's Lines of the Week
  3. Funny things kids say
  4. Humor - It's A Wacky World
  5. Micro$oft Humor
  6. Weird (but funny) News Stories for 1997

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Date:    Sun, 28 Dec 1997 03:08:44 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Annual Traffic Report

   Not to end the year on a sour note, but I thought maybe y'all might
be interested in viewing this chart I compiled concerning our list's
status.  The numbers which leap off the page are a decline in members
of over 20 %.
   While it is true we're competing with over 200 other joke lists,
you'd be hard pressed to find any that are as open to freedom of ideas
and expression as this one.  Almost all require contributors to submit
their jokes to a moderator and then he/she decides what gets posted
and what doesn't.
                                        JimJr
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

                        Annual Traffic Report for HUMOR, 1997
                         (Average Number of articles posted)
               _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
               Jan       Feb       Mar       Apr       May       Jun
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Sunday          12        18        19        12        11         8
Monday          21        22        14        22        21        13
Tuesday         19        20        18        18        20         8
Wednesday       21        19        18        11        18        13
Thursday        27        14        17        15        12        17
Friday          21        10        14        13        13        12
Saturday         8        13        15        10        12        15
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Average)       18        17        15        14        15        12

Subscribe    9,365     9,714    10,120    10,668    10,820    10,290
Countries       89        92        94       100       100       100
Contribs       838       810       825       835       845       851

               _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
               Jul       Aug       Sep       Oct       Nov       Dec
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Sunday          15         8         8        10         6         5
Monday          16        16        11        15        10        13
Tuesday         17        12        10        15        12        14
Wednesday       12         9         9        14        17        16
Thursday         9        13        15        10        12         9
Friday          13        12        14        12        12        16
Saturday         9         7         6         8         6         6
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Average)       13        11        10        12        11        11

Subscribe    9,905     9,742     8,848     8,801     8,613     8,500
Countries      100       100       101       103       103       104
Contribs       800       811       714       710       716       740
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Send an e-mail to:  listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank;
in the BODY of the letter, type:

   SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname      subscribe
   GET HUMOR GUIDE                           become a contributor
   QUERY HUMOR                               check your settings
   SIGNOFF HUMOR                             leave the list
   SIGNOFF HUMOR-P                           leave contributor's list
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

If you have any questions, please email me at jimjr@pipeline.com

Next month, I'll be switching the date y'all receive the Traffic Report
to the last Sunday of the month.  May I wish y'all a Happy New Year or
for those that could possibly be offended by that...

A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, & medically uncomplicated
recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 1998, but not without
due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose efforts
and contributions have helped make our list a great one, without regard
to the race, creed, color, religious/sexual preferences, IQ or MHZ speed
of their computers.

                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@pipeline.com

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Dec 1997 15:27:20 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Dave's Lines of the Week

*     "Ladies and gentlemen, more news from the friendly folks at the
Heaven's Gate cult. Yesterday, another cult member boarded the Mother
Ship...He said that he did not leave with the original group because he
didn't want to miss that episode of 'Ellen.'"
*     "You know, one of the requirements for the Heaven's Gate cult was
castration. And I'm thinking, 'Well, geez, maybe that should be a
requirement for the Kennedys.'"
*     "Earlier this week, another member of the Heaven's Gate cult boarded
the Mother Ship. Drank a combination of phenobarbitol and vodka, or as it's
known in the magazine ads, 'Absolut Coma.'"
*     "I think it's safe to say this -- and, again, I don't like talking
about people after they've gone -- but I think the Heaven's Gate people are
gullible, you know? Because they believe that after you die you get to ride
on a spaceship. They also believe that story about Eddie Murphy going out
at 4:30 to pick up a paper."
*     "We are very excited, we are very proud. Earlier tonight, right here
on CBS was the 'Knots Landing' reunion movie. It's all part of CBS' 'Big
Face-Lift Wednesday.'"
*     "You know what I did? I sneaked a peek over there on ABC because I
believe all week long on ABC is '3-D Glasses Week'...It's unbelievably
effective, though. I put on my 3-D glasses. I want to tell you something,
it looked like Ellen was coming out of my closet."
*     "Over the weekend out there in California, our old friend Eddie
Murphy was stopped by the police after he picked up a transsexual
prostitute...Giving a transsexual a lift in Hollywood is nothing new.  It
happens all the time. It's known as a 'RuPaul U-Haul.'"
*     "Ladies and gentlemen, here's a program reminder: tonight, the Fox
Television Network is running the Robin Williams' movie, 'Mrs.
Doubtfire.' They've added a brand-new scene at the end -- she's picked up
by Eddie Murphy."
*     "I love stuff like this -- over the weekend, world chess champion
Gary Kasparov was defeated by the IBM computer, Deep Blue. Deep Blue
defeated Gary Kasparov. In a related story, earlier today, the New York
Mets were defeated by a microwave oven."
*     "But you know, this Deep Blue, this computer, Deep Blue, is a very,
very intelligent machine. This machine, to give you an idea how smart it is
-- it has the good sense not to pick up a drag queen on Santa Monica
Boulevard."
*     "Donald Trump and Marla Maples have announced they are getting a
divorce...Donald and Marla are handling this thing very good-naturedly.
They say they will continue to be friends and also continue to cheat on
each other."
*     "But Marla Maples, I think, is 31. She's still young. She has enough
time left to, you know, marry a couple of more guys for their money."
*     "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some exciting news for you. I'll give
it to you in three words. Ready? Marla Maples Perot! What do you think?"
*     "Boy, this was quick. You know, Chelsea Clinton, in the fall, is
going to college at Stanford University. Earlier today, President Clinton
rented out her old room to Marla Maples."

(courtesy of Oracle, these lines are from early May 1997)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Dec 1997 13:11:46 -0500
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Funny things kids say

Kid to teacher: I know the answer, but I can't quite download it.


Kid, walking away in protest: They get to play with their remote car on
mars, and I can't play with mine in the street!


Kid to kid: God invented time to keep everything from happening at once.


Dad to kid: What's the magic word to get what you want?
Kid: Grandma!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Dec 1997 14:44:25 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World

                     The world's worst job?
 By BILL WAMPLER

Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle

 What a strange year 1997 was. The wire services carried the weirdest
stories. The living dead. Unusual hatcheries. Bearded ladies.

 Take this one, for example. Jeez, I'd say this was about the world's worst
job!

Canadians worried their bad breath may be a social liability can have their
mouth odor checked at a new breath-testing clinic. The University of
British Columbia announced that its bad-breath service will have patients'
breath scientifically analyzed for halitosis -- and then checked by a human
sniffer. Yuck!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Dec 1997 17:24:31 -0500
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Micro$oft Humor

Bill Gates dies and upon arriving at the pearly gates, he finds
himself being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Mr. Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped
society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also
delved into those destructive monopolistic business activities. I'm going to
do something I've never done before... I'm going to let you decide where you
want to go"

"So what's the difference between the two?" Bill asked.

St. Peter said, "I'll let you visit both places briefly, then you decide"

"Fine," agreed Bill. "Lets try hell first."

So Bill went to hell. It was beautiful, clean sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the
water and laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the
temperature was perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" Bill told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I'd really
like to see Heaven!!!"

So off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with
angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but nothing
exciting like Hell. It didn't take Bill long to reach his decision.

"I really think I prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

So Bill goes to Hell. Two weeks later, St Peter decides to check on
the late billionaire. When he gets there he finds Bill, shackled to a wall,
screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tormented by
demons.

"How's everything going?" asked Peter.

Bill's voice was filled with anguish and disappointment: "This is
awful!!! It's nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe
this. What happened to that place with the beautiful beaches, the scantily
clad women playing in the water?"

St. Peter just shrugged: "Oh, that was a demo... This is the
release version."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Dec 1997 19:09:49 -0500
From:    Bob Nordvall <bnordval@GETTYSBURG.EDU>
Subject: Weird (but funny) News Stories for 1997

Items from "This Year's Weirdest News" in Outlook section of December 28
Washington Post


FAMILY VALUES: In 1993, India Scott of Detroit dated both
 Darryl Fletcher and Brandon Ventimeglia. In 1994, she gave birth to a boy.
Neither man knew about the other, and she told each he was the father. For
two years, Scott juggled the men's visitation rights. When she announced in
March 1997 that she was marrying another man and leaving the area, Fletcher
and Ventimeglia separately filed for custody of "his" son. Only then did
the men find out about each other. In May, they took blood tests to settle
the paternity once and for all. Result: Neither is the
 father.

UNDOUBTEDLY, IT'S THOSE NEW LEAD-ALLOYIMPLANTS:
Bennie Casson filed a $100,000 lawsuit in Belleville, Ill., against PT's
Show Club for its negligence in allowing a stripper to "slam" her breasts
into his "neck and head  region" as he watched her show. Dancer Susan Sykes
(a k a "Busty Heart") claims to have show business's biggest chest
(88inches), which Casson said gave him a "bruised, contused,
  lacerated" neck.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Dec 1997 to 29 Dec 1997
************************************************
