HUMOR Digest - 24 Dec 1997 to 25 Dec 1997
There are 5 messages totalling 205 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Christmas Controversies & Various Solutions
  2. A Xmas Surd tale <may be off. to Sardar>
  3. Titanic
  4. Virus Alert, Virus Alert, Virus Alert
  5. Tweeze denied

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Date:    Wed, 24 Dec 1997 03:56:11 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Christmas Controversies & Various Solutions

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake ?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs

CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant ?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star ?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts

CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel ?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree

CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway

CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE: Anything, as there's plenty of both it and beer
FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Wed, 24 Dec 1997 14:22:50 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: A Xmas Surd tale <may be off. to Sardar>

Two Sardar arrive at Frankfurt airport, rent a car and soon are on
their way. Shortly before leaving the airport and getting into the
motorway, one of them breaks wind loudly. "Why did you do that for?",
asks the other. "Didn't you see the sign?", replies the one who
farted, "it said - GUT FAHRT! - and I thought I should comply."

"Mariotti, this is moronic! Besides, where's is the Xmas tale?"
"Yes, well, they arrived in Frankfurt on Xmas day..."
"Go away!"
"I always wanted to write a Surd and fahrt joke..."
"Oh, shut up!

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Date:    Mon, 22 Dec 1997 10:04:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Titanic

The Top 15 Rejected Theme Songs for the Movie "Titanic"

15> Ironic

14> Under The Sea

13> Dancing on the Ceiling

12> Ice Ice Baby

11> FreeBerg

10> Smoke on the Water

9> Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

8> 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall... the Floor... the Wall...
   the Ceiling...  the Other Wall...

7> MmmBerg

6> Candle In The Water, 1912  ("Goodbye, English boat...")

5> When I'm Sixty-Four (Farenheit)

4> Hey, You, Get Offa My Raft

3> Achy Breaky Hull

2> Jump

and the Number 1 Rejected Theme Song for the Movie "Titanic"...

1> Whoomp, There it Is!


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

---
Joan of Arc quit smoking in 1431.

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Date:    Wed, 24 Dec 1997 14:08:46 -0800
From:    Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: Virus Alert, Virus Alert, Virus Alert

New computer viruses just discovered:

BOBBIT VIRUS - Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then re-attaches
it. (However, that portion never works again!)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 60MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
MCI VIRUS - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T Virus.
AT&T VIRUS - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're
getting.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS - This REVOLUTIONARY Virus does not horse around! It
warns you of impending hard disk attack - Once if by LAN, twice if by C:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS - Never calls itself a "Virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "Electronic MicroOrganism".
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how old it is. If you attempt to erase one, it first requires you to see
a professional counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS - Activates every component in your system, just before
the whole darn thing quits!
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS - It could be a great virus, but refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS - Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Absolutely nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine!
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS - Causes your printer to transform into a paper
shredder.
PBS VIRUS - Your computer stops every few minutes to solicit financial
donations.
ELVIS VIRUS - Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs
- only to resurface at shopping malls, service stations and professional
football games all across America!!
OJ VIRUS - It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two
of your files and vows to never stop looking for the virus that did it.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and
then sends you a bill for $6,000.
STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL YOU "HUMOR"ous people out there!!  Remember this:
Santa has a great garden at the North Pole because he can HO, HO, HO!!

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Date:    Wed, 24 Dec 1997 15:04:11 -0600
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: Tweeze denied

Here are some "next lines" I got to the poem.

Tweeze denied beefeater isthmus Winnow trudy house No decree sure was
touring Naughty Vanna mouse.  These talking swore Hun bite each hymn
knee whisk hair,  More versions:

SunRebelca:  These toppings Sirhan bite a gym need Wick air

Jon Ellenburg:  whiff owe Pat's nickle ass sue nod bees hair.

David K. Wall:  We topaz sin nickle Aswan wood beef heir.

That's all folks so--Marry Chris, must do, oil into Allah GOODNIGHT!

***MERRY CHRISTMAS***


http://www.net4tv.com/net4tv/u2u/spotlite.htm

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End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Dec 1997 to 25 Dec 1997
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