HUMOR Digest - 22 Dec 1997 to 23 Dec 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 315 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Male Animal <innuendo>
  2. Ownership <may be off. to Bill Gates>
  3. HUMOR [Christmas Humor] The Twelve Days of PC Hell
  4. Catalog Shopping (Off. to JCPenney)
  5. nude robbery [AP report]
  6. Whadda you mean you don't support...<clean>
  7. One to One Competition
  8. Another 12 days of Redneck Xmas.....(offensive to various Southern folk)
  9. Do the Holidays Right (Karen Finley)

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Date:    Mon, 22 Dec 1997 04:08:12 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Male Animal <innuendo>

*   After staying out too late again when he was campaigning for
  Governor, Clinton was sneaking into the hotel room.  Because
  this had happened many times before, he was having difficulty
  coming up with a story.
    As he opened the door to the bedroom, Hillary shouted, "And
  just what have you got to say for yourself Billy-boy ?"
    Thinking fast he replied, "At this point, I'd like to dispense
  with my previously prepared remarks and simply take any questions
  from the floor."
                                - - - - -

*   An investigation into the fire that had destroyed the warehouse
  took almost a year.   When the owner finally received word that
  the insurance company was ready to settle, he went to his lawyer's
  office to work out the details.  Once there, he was astonished at
  the amount his lawyer wanted as a fee.
    "Face it Henry." said the lawyer. "I've earned it, haven't I ?"
    "Well, damn, man." fumed the owner.  "You'd think you'd started
  the fire."
                                - - - - -

*   What's the first thing a Columbia Yuppie does when he rear-ends
  another motorist with his car ?
    Ends the conversation and hides the cell phone, of course.
                                - - - - -

*   A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called
  as a witness.  The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any
  cocaine or other drugs from the defendant ?"
    "No sir." answered the man.
    "Did you ever get any from his wife ?"
    "No sir."
    "Did you ever get any from his daughters ?"
    "Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking
  about drugs here, right ?"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Mon, 22 Dec 1997 15:48:57 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Ownership <may be off. to Bill Gates>

Toddler Property Laws

  1.  If I like it, it's mine.
  2.  If it's in my hand, it's mine.
  3.  If I can take it from you, it's mine.
  4.  If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
  5.  If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
  6.  If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
  7.  If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
  8.  If I think it's mine,   it's mine.
  9.  If I. . .Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed.  Instead of  typing in
      the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates'
      primary business plan.

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Date:    Mon, 22 Dec 1997 10:01:48 -0500
From:    "Lara B. Little" <ali00lbl@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR [Christmas Humor] The Twelve Days of PC Hell

<offensive to Gates and MS fans...>

The Twelve Days of Microsoft Christmas
by Gil Glass (trust me, it's singable)

(For the sake of bandwidth, I'll just post the last verse...)

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

        12 sound cards silent
        11 instructions faulty
        10 modes not supported
         9 apps a crashin'
         8 Megs overflowin'
         7 files missin'
         6 inits conflictin'
         5 eighty six
         4 sectors bad
         3 ports not responding
         2 GPFs and
         Windows 95 for my PC


    ** And now, the long awaited follow-up **

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
A Macintosh instead of a PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to--
...hey, wait a minute -- this thing works!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Dec 1997 14:23:08 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Catalog Shopping (Off. to JCPenney)

A recent Christmas shopping revelation...

I think JC Penney's main source of income is from selling catalogs.
You pay $5 for the catalog and get a $10 certificate that you can't
redeem since they never have anything you really want that is in the
catalog. They re-coup their printing expense through catalog sales and
get a tax write off for it and make out like bandits. Women buy the
catalog becuase of the certificate deal - who would be so dumb as to
pass up a $5 gain? 'X' amount will never order and the ones that do
order never get their coupon money because nothing is stocked. For the
stubborn ones who will then order something else, they get rid of the
stuff that's not selling and since they were going to have to have to
put this crap on sale, and they still don't lose due to the people
who order the non-popular items to take advantage of the certificate.
Big business in action!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Dec 1997 07:55:33 -0500
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: nude robbery [AP report]

Reported by the Associated Press

Summerville, SC
Police have only the barest of clues to investigate a convenience store
robbery aided by a scantily clad woman.
A woman wearing only panties was accompanied by two men who robbed the
U.S. 78 store of $60 worth of beer about 5:30 a.m. Sunday, police say.
The woman walked around the store, and while the 49-year-old clerk was
focused on her, the men hauled off four cases of beer, Detective Cpl. Al
Lapolla said.
The clerk told police he thinks the men were white, but he cannot say
for sure, Lapolla said.
He told police the woman was white but he is not sure about her height
or hair color.
"The parts of her anatomy he concentrated on he was able to tell us a
great deal about," Lapolla said.
Asked if the store had cameras that might have photographed the trio,
Lapolla said, "It's not one of those stores, darn it."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Dec 1997 16:25:16 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Whadda you mean you don't support...<clean>

Here's the TOP TEN RESPONSES TO "What do you mean you
don't support it?!?!"

10. Auto mechanics don't do toasters
 9. Lawyers don't give discounts for a "hat trick"
 8. Ellen isn't getting a Christmas card from Strom Thurmond
 7. You wouldn't ask a Dallas Cowboy to watch your kids
 6. Bob Vila doesn't do hernia or prostate exams
 5. Shaq doesn't take pay cuts "for the team"
 4. Mr. Spock doesn't do marriage counseling
 3. Atlanta police officers don't buy the "game-winning-field-goal" story
 2. State Farm agents aren't beating Kenny's door down
               AND (drumroll please............)
 1. You wouldn't expect MicroSoft to support Windows 95

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Date:    Mon, 22 Dec 1997 18:19:45 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: One to One Competition

 Q: Did you hear that Marv Albert is going to be racing against Ruppaul?

 A: They're going to be on the track in a drag race!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Dec 1997 01:07:51 -0000
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Another 12 days of Redneck Xmas.....(offensive to various Southern
         folk)

The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 pack of Bud,
11 rasslin' tickets,
tin of Copenhagen,
9 years probation,
8 table dancers,
7 packs of Red Man,
6 cans of Spam,
5 flannel shirts,
4 big mud tires,
3 shotgun shells,
2 huntin' dawgs,
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Dec 1997 22:20:49 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Do the Holidays Right (Karen Finley)

DO THE HOLIDAYS RIGHT
by Karen Finley

The most memorable Christmases are the ones that are ruined.  It's a
real art to be able to invite just the right amount of sibling rivalry
and drunkenness with overall holiday hesitation and guilt to provide a
good time for all.  The idea is to invite unresolved conflict and
resolve it right at your dinner table.  That will make the food more
memorable.

Start by inviting friends or family that you have had an argument with
recently and tell them you intend to bury the hatchet at this year's
holidays.  Ask if they would please join you for dinner.  When they
accept, the stage is set for a memorable holiday for years to come.
Also invite family members who have been squabbling and are seeing one
another in your living room for the very first time since the argument.
Now, that is no easy accomplishment, I might add, and I do add.

One method that I use when inviting guest is to think of the
Hundred-Acre Wood and its residents for a good overall psychological
profile.  Think of yourself as Christopher Robin, the enabler.  Invite
someone like Winnie-the-Pooh with an eating disorder.  Invite a
passive-regressive type like Rabbit.  Get that mother-attachment thing
happening like with a Kanga and a Roo.  Add an insecure guest with low
self-esteem like Piglet, mix in a know-it-all such as Owl, and a
manic-depressive such as Tigger.  Now that's what I call a guest list.

Here are some pointers to ensure a memorable holiday:

1. Once the guest have arrived.  Everyone needs some warming up and here
   is the guaranteed ice breaker I use and it works every time:  kindly
   ask you squabbling guests to reenact their disagreement.

2. Always have plenty of alcoholic beverages on hand.

3. Continue repetitive prodding questions about the original argument.

4. If you have to, take a side.

5. If still nothing is happening, quietly take a guest to the kitchen
   and tell her you can side with her position.

6. While they are brewing and stewing, now is the time to start making
   fun of siblings like you did as children.

7. Start calling sibling names that were used as children (i.e., Jowls,
   Stutter Butter).

8. Make that scapegoat work his holiday!  Go to past incidents where the
   sibling made a fool of himself.

9. Always invite non-family members.  A good heated moment is when a
   family member tells a non-family member, "Do you want to hear about the
   time my brother put my Barbie doll in the toilet and it wasn't number
   one in there?"  When the non-family member says, "not really," we know
   that is when we are on the way to a truly unforgettable holiday
   experience.

10. At this point yell out "Dinner!" so that no one can leave.  The big
    fear of Christmas is to be alone and forgotten and have no food, so
    no matter what happens, your guests won't leave.  Always have your
    guests wait for food.  Not eating always makes the crankiness edge
    go up.

11. Still, if no guests have had an outburst, start telling embarrassing
    stories about your guests.  This time talk about the non-family members
    and try to get your family to gang up on your guests.  Go around the
    table till dessert and coffee.  Hopefully, by this time someone passes
    out, pukes, or breaks something.

DON'T WORRY, THEY WILL ALL BE BACK NEXT YEAR!

-Living It Up, Copyright 1996 by Karen Finley


---
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

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End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Dec 1997 to 23 Dec 1997
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