HUMOR Digest - 21 Dec 1997 to 22 Dec 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 374 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore Yuppies <some adult humor>
  2. Blonds & blondes (off. to the same)
  3. Morris & Sadie <inoff>
  4. Deaf Society (Adult and not off to Deaf people)
  5. A Christmas Letter
  6. Official Jewish Christmas card
  7. Police, offensive to women ?
  8. Joke Rated: The Foo Bird:(Objectionable language and situation)
  9. Writing Exam

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Date:    Sun, 21 Dec 1997 03:10:32 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore Yuppies <some adult humor>

*   A Columbia Maryland Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that
  he was to bring $ 50,000 to the 17th hole of the Turf Valley
  Country Club at ten o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to
  see his wife alive again.
    He didn't arrive until almost 12:30.  A masked man stepped
  out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took
  ya so long ?  You're over two hours late."
    "Hey !  Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27
  handicap."
                                - - - - -

*   The Yuppette watched from the beach at Hilton Head as her son
  built sand castles near the surf.  The boy got up, took a few
  steps, slipped and was pulled out by a strong undertow.
    "Help !  Help !" she screamed.
    A Life Guard hearing her cries spotted the boy and ran the
  rescue.  He dove into the pounding surf and finally pulled the
  child to safety on the shore.  He then applied mouth-to-mouth
  resuscitation, and in a few moments, the boy began to cough.
    "There ya are Miss. I think he'll be just fine now.  But you
  might want to visit a doctor to be sure."
    "Yes, yes !" she replied.  "But he was wearing a new hat and
  sunglasses."
                                - - - - -

*   A Yuppie was standing at the country club bar with a tennis
  ball stuffed into the pocket of his shorts.
    A lil' Yuppette next to him tapped him on the arm and pointed
  to the bulge and asked, "What's that ?"
    "Tennis ball." he replied.
    "Ohhh... ouch !" the Yuppette responded grimacing. "I know how
  that must hurt.  I've had tennis elbow before myself."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 21 Dec 1997 04:09:42 -0500
From:    janissary <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Blonds & blondes (off. to the same)

* A blond coyote got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and
  was still stuck.

* A blonde walks into a pub with a pig. The barman asks: "Where did
  you get that dumb animal? The pig says: "I won her in a raffle."

* In a bid to put a stop to such anti-blond(e) humor a group of activist
  California blond(e)s has announced that it is forming a group, to be
  known as "People Opposed to the Oppression of Persons with Hair of
  European-Aryan Descent, to prosecute people who tell jokes like these.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Dec 1997 06:41:55 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Morris & Sadie <inoff>

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying.

"Boo Hoo, I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair
with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me?
Haven't I always been a good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children,
and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done
to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a
man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when
we have sex!"

"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to
the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.

As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"

"No not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"

"No, I'll tell you when..."

He climbs on top of Sadie and begins to have intercourse.

"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"

"Wait, I'll tell you when....."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris
yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You vouldn't believe what a day I had!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Dec 1997 14:01:24 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Deaf Society (Adult and not off to Deaf people)

An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the
Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by
rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman
and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies
and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech
started: Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one
better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler
symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and
his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained"
By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my
speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one
further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an
antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and
then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he
explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and
then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and
Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Dec 1997 06:31:43 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Christmas Letter

	        CHRISTMAS LETTER TO OUR FRIENDS

  Dear Friends:
     Thought you'd like to hear the latest from our family.  Well,
  here goes:

     We've all been flossing regularly.

     The newspaper landed in the bushes twice, but we got it out,
  Thank goodness Dad has those long arms. 

     They put a new gas station on the corner. It's the self-serve
  kind, so there's been a lot of talk around town about it.  

     The other night, we took the whole family to the Pancake House
  for dinner. We all had pancakes except for Mom. She had a waffle.
  She's a free spirit, you know.

     We're saving up to buy a goldfish and can hardly wait. Pets
  are very exciting. And if not, you can flush them down the toilet. 

     Our kid finished his milk today. No one noticed we're using
  margarine instead of butter.

     It's pretty cloudy here. Sometimes we watch TV. Other times
  We Don't.

     We may go shopping this weekend at the Mall. There are 
  forty-one stores there. So far, we've been to twenty-eight.
  thirteen to go. Unless they build more. They probably will.
  They Always do.

     That's about it for the big news.

     It's been some heck of a year.  How about you ?

                                LOVE and ALL

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Dec 1997 09:27:23 -0500
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: Official Jewish Christmas card

My aunt sent me this one:

Mary is cradling baby Jesus in her arms and saying to Joseph:
It's a goy!

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Date:    Sun, 21 Dec 1997 01:34:48 -0500
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Police, offensive to women ?

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the
speed limit.  He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear
view mirror.  He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the
race is on.  The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90
miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures
"what the heck," and gives up.  He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.  He
leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I
just want to go home.  Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The
man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off
with a police officer.  When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror,
I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to
me!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Dec 1997 13:53:41 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Rated: The Foo Bird:(Objectionable language and situation)

Once a rich man went on a safari. As he was about to enter the jungle, his
guide warned him, "The jungle is a dangerous place. There are tigers,
poisonous snakes and other obvious dangers. But the most deadly of them all is
the mysterious foo bird." "What makes it so dangerous?" the man asked."The foo
bird is a very territorial animal," the guide explained. "If you walk under a
tree in which a foo bird nest, it will relieve itself on you." "Well, that
certainly doesn't sound like much fun," the man replied, "but it doesn't sound
dangerous." "There is more than that. You cannot wipe off the feces, or it
will cause a chemical reaction that will immediately kill you." As this made
little sense, the rich man had trouble believing it and didn't pay it much
mind. A few hours later, they were walking through the jungle and a glob of
foo bird feces hit him on top of the head. Before the guide could do or say
anything, the man reached up and wiped it off. Sure enough, he dropped dead
instantly. The moral of the story is: If the foo shits, wear it.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Dec 1997 20:52:56 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Writing Exam

 RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

 You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's
 a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by
 two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary
 (last name deleted).

 English 44A SMU Creative Writing
 Prof. Miller
 In-class Assignment for Wednesday

 Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
 The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person
 sitting to his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write
 the first paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the
 first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The
 first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

 Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep
 the story coherent.  The story is over when both agree a conclusion
 has been reached.
 			----------------------------

 At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
 chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
 now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
 that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
 keep her mind off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
 she thought about him too much her Asthma started acting up again.
 So chamomile was out of the question.
				* * * * * 
 Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
 squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
 think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
 Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.

 "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his trans-galactic
 communicator.  "Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so
 far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed
 out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
 jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
 the cockpit.
				* * * * * 
 He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
 felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
 woman who had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth
 stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
 Skylon 4.

 "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
 Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
 excited her and bored her.

 She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth  -- when the days
 had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
 television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
 the beautiful things around her.  "Why must one lose one's innocence
 to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
				* * * * * 
 Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
 Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
 launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted
 wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament
 Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the
 hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.

 Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships
 were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
 entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated
 their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
 atmosphere unimpeded.  The President, in his top-secret mobile
 submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt
 the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85
 million other Americans.

 The President slammed his fist on the conference table.  "We can't
 allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!  Let's blow 'em out of the
 sky!"
				* * * * * 
 This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
 My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
				* * * * * 
 Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
 at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
				* * * * * 
 Asshole.
				* * * * * 
 Bitch.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Dec 1997 to 22 Dec 1997
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