HUMOR Digest - 20 Dec 1997 to 21 Dec 1997
There are 7 messages totalling 481 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. American vs Israeli <poss off to thin-skinned Israelis>
  2. Teenagers
  3. You Know Your Drinking Too Much Cofee When....
  4. Strange Tatoos <Adult>
  5. Ouuuch!
  6. Basic Military Intelligence
  7. thE RAZOR (SICKNING, SWEARING AND DISGUSTING)

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Date:    Sat, 20 Dec 1997 03:50:37 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: American vs Israeli <poss off to thin-skinned Israelis>

An American and an Israeli are busy bragging.  The American states,
"Oh yeah, well it was the Americans that put the first man on the moon!"

The Israeli scoffs, "Big deal. Israel is working on putting the first
man on the SUN!!"

The American re-scoffs, "Idiot! You can't put a man on the sun...he'll
burn up!!"

The Israeli smiles winningly, "Shows how much you know...we're going at
night!"

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Date:    Sat, 20 Dec 1997 04:02:50 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Teenagers

* Father describing his adolescent daughter to a friend:
  "She's fourteen going on twenty-six."
                                - - - - -

*   A friend of mine reports that he has a fifteen year old boy
  who's really only had six "official" dates so far, but figures
  he'd better start keeping an eye on him anyway.
    The other day by the telephone, he noticed his son's "Little
  Black Book", and on the cover was a label -- "Vol I".
                                - - - - -

*   Junior high student to friend: "My Father wants me to have all
  the things he didn't when he was my age -- like all A's on my
  report card for example.
                                - - - - -

* Teenager coming home from dance to Mother: "I was the life of the
  party -- that gives ya an idea of how dull it was."
                                - - - - -

* Wife to husband as son chatters on the phone: "Be patient Dear,
  he's at that awkward age -- too old to say anything cute, and too
  young to say anything intelligent."
                                - - - - -

* Mother to daughter's suitor: "My daughter says you have that certain
  something, but I'd far rather you have something certain."
                                - - - - -

* Teen-age girl on telephone: "If that click on the extension is you
  Mother, remember that wiretap evidence is inadmissible."
                                - - - - -

* Girl answering telephone: "Maria isn't here right now.  This is her
  110 pound, 5'4", blonde, blue-eyed, party-lovin' sister."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 20 Dec 1997 01:26:19 -0800
From:    Nathan Luppino <nluppino@LINKNET.KITSAP.LIB.WA.US>
Subject: You Know Your Drinking Too Much Cofee When....

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the
sack."

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the
timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't
even work there.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

All your kids are named "Joe."

You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.

Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You buy milk by the barrel.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not
plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three
more, I'll have a cup."

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

Someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a
coffee can

You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.

Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee
to get you in the mood.

You can't even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 20 Dec 1997 08:39:10 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Strange Tatoos <Adult>

Once there was a man who wanted to go to Jamaica with his buddies.  Now his
wife would have none of it.  After long days of nagging and pleading, she
finally relented, but imposed one condition:  he must tatoo her name on his
penis.  Now this guy must have really wanted to go to Jamaica, because he did
it.  The tatoo artist said that the tatoo must be done while his penis was
erect to get the name on properly.  Normally, only the W and Y were visible.

Shortly after arriving, he's in a men's room with a Jamaican who's displaying
the same tatoo in the same spot, W and Y, that is.  He said, "What a
coincidence! Don't tell me you wife's name is Wendy, too!"  The guy told his
new Jamaican friend his story.  The Jamaican guy just smiled and said, "No,
mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, Have a Nice Day'!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 20 Dec 1997 16:26:53 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Ouuuch!

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on
their honeymoon.  Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch
with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years
ago."

The guy stopped the car.  His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately
jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug.  They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like that forty
years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that  fence wasn't electrified!"


http://nadi.home.ml.org

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Date:    Sat, 20 Dec 1997 14:23:07 EST
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Basic Military Intelligence

If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire.
The easy way is always mined.
Try to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo.
Professionals are predictable.  It's the amateurs that are dangerous.

The enemy generally attacks on one of two occasions:
When you're ready for them.
When you are not ready for them.

Teamwork is essential during battle - It gives the enemy plenty of
targets to shoot at.
If you can't remember, the claymore is always pointed at you.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Don't intentionally draw enemy fire.  It irritates those around you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming
friendly fire.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is NOT our friend.
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
Anything you do can get you shot.  This includes doing nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and YOU probably can't get out.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan,
stupid enough to try it and lucky enough to survive.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer
for anything.
The quartermaster has two sizes: Too Small and Too Large.
Five second fuses only last three seconds.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Dec 1997 16:24:13 +1100
From:    Mike Laidlaw <mikelaid@COMCIRC.COM.AU>
Subject: thE RAZOR (SICKNING, SWEARING AND DISGUSTING)

I got this one off a friend.

    One day a sergant major went on a holiday for a week and he didn't want
any of the other men having sex with his wife.

    So, he stuck a razor in his wifes fanny.

    When he got back all the other men were holding their dicks screeching
in pain besides ONE.

    Anyway the sergant called a meeting, and at the meeting he awarded the
man who didn't have a sore dick with a medal. Then he called for him to make
a speech.

The man said   " i wod ike t ank eeon" obviously  he was trying to say i
would like to thank everyone but not using his tounge.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Dec 1997 to 21 Dec 1997
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