HUMOR Digest - 18 Dec 1997 to 19 Dec 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 226 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The 90's - An Update <adult humor>
  2. Mario & Luigi <adult-ish>
  3. Bad pun <not off.>
  4. Two More Bumper Stickers
  5. Joke-Clean:god!
  6. Inspecting the axle (suggestive)
  7. HUMOR - A Characterization of Memphians
  8. Those tough Yukon Women <sexual content>

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Date:    Fri, 19 Dec 1997 03:44:50 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The 90's - An Update <adult humor>

* There's a report circulating that an entrepreneur has a plan
  to set-up weight-guessing stands in the College Pubs springing
  up all over the Country.  I guess it could be referred to as a
  "Weigh-a-Lay plan".
                                - - - - -

* I notice that some of the TV networks are planning to bring
  back "Adult Westerns" to the tube.  From what I understand, the
  Cowboys will still love their horses and all, but now, they'll
  be very concerned about it.
                                - - - - -

* The newest game in San Francisco among the gay set these days is
  something called "Pansy Poker".  The way it's played is Queens
  are wild, and straights don't count.
                                - - - - -

* And of course, y'all have heard about the French convertible now
  on the market -- the top stays up, but the driver goes down.
                                - - - - -

* The latest catch phrase I've heard for a virgin Native American
  girl is a "Wouldn't Indian".
                                - - - - -

* College kids are also bringing back a phrase from the 60's too --
  "Operation Head Start". Back then, it was a program to help kids get
  a leg up on education.  Well, these days it still involves getting
  a leg up (so to speak) but now... it refers to foreplay.
                                - - - - -

* And these days everybody's gotta have a fancy title too.  People
  who run male-escort-service agencies used to be called Managers.
  Now, they wantta be known as "Staff Directors".


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Fri, 19 Dec 1997 12:11:00 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Mario & Luigi <adult-ish>

Mario:  Do you like ugly, fat women?
Luigi:   Of course not.
Mario:  You don't? But do you like women with fat, hairy butts?
Luigi:   No, not at all.
Mario:  Really? And you don't like women with sagging breasts?
Luigi:   Absolutely not.
Mario:  And why do you sleep with my wife, then?

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Date:    Fri, 19 Dec 1997 08:01:11 -0500
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Bad pun <not off.>

If a studio called Universal Pictures were to go bankrupt and, after a
few years, it were to emerge from bankruptcy as a whole company would
this be an appropriate headline?

"Scientists delighted at discovery: Universal solvent"

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Date:    Fri, 19 Dec 1997 08:05:51 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Two More Bumper Stickers

 Give in to temptation - It may not come your way again!

 Don't marry for money. Its cheaper to borrow.

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Date:    Fri, 19 Dec 1997 16:58:00 PST
From:    "RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/WRO" <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-Clean:god!

Four mothers got together and were discussing their sons.
"Our family has a Royal blood." said the first proud woman. "When
my son enters a room, people look at him and say, 'Oh, Your Highness'"

The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a
room, people say, 'Oh, Your Excellency'"

"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a
room, people say, 'Oh, Your Eminence'"

The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is short, weighs
185 kilos, and bald," she said, "When he enters a room, people look at
him and say, 'Oh My God !'"

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Date:    Fri, 19 Dec 1997 10:32:30 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Inspecting the axle (suggestive)

[Thanks Roedear@aol.com and JokeMaster <JokeMaster@JokeMaster.com>]

    A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his
 wife.  The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a
 nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy
 his young bride.

    His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all
 was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.  Determined to
 satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some
 advice.

    "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love
 to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

    The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a
 professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having
 intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and
 ultimately satisfy her."

    "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

    Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him
 know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived
 home.  "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed
 over the phone.

    Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice.  But
 where?  In the office?  The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on
 him?  He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided
 he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the
 truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed
 there.

    A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed
 his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his
 "therapy".

    A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy
 session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes
 tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said,
 "Yes?"

    "Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you
 are doing, please?" said the officer.

    "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied
 confidently.

    "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your
 truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

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Date:    Fri, 19 Dec 1997 18:40:07 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - A Characterization of Memphians

The Memphis, TN newspaper, _The Commercial Appeal_, carries a weekly Wednesday
column called "CA Eye." One of the items usually appearing in this column is
a characterization of Memphis residents entitled "You're SO Memphis when..."
The item for Wednesday, 17 December reads, "You're SO Memphis when you attend
a lot of parties but never respond to the invitations because you think RSVP
means Really Superb Vittles Planned." The contributor of this gem is someone
named Chuck Branch.

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Date:    Fri, 19 Dec 1997 19:41:11 EST
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Those tough Yukon Women <sexual content>

An old lonesome miner in the Alaskan Yukon finally strikes it rich. He'd
been in the wilderness for a long time and decides he's going into the
nearest town to celebrate.

He travels on horseback for two days before he gets to "civilization" and
heads straight for the nearest saloon. He walks in, orders two bottles of
beer and asks the barkeep, "Where can I find a rough, mean whore?"  "I
want the toughest whore in the Yukon."   The bartender says, "Mister, we
do have the toughest and meanest whore in this entire territory.  She's
upstairs in the second room on the left."  The man says, "Great, I'm
ready for her."  He pays for the beers and the woman by giving the
barkeep a gold nugget and proceeds to the second floor.

He knocks on the door and is welcomed into the room by the most
beautiful, voluptuous woman he has ever laid eyes on. He puts the beer
bottles down on a table in the room and says to her, "I was told you're
the meanest, toughest whore in this whole area, is that right?"  She
says, "That's a fact, honey, you've come to the right place!"  With that,
she strips completely naked, bends over and grabs her ankles.  The miner
was very impressed and said to her, "Gosh, how did you know I wanted to
do it like that?"  The whore says, "Well, actually I didn't know,  but I
figured you might like to open those beers before we got started"!!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Dec 1997 to 19 Dec 1997
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