HUMOR Digest - 17 Dec 1997 to 18 Dec 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 514 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Girl Talk <some adult humor>
  2. Question about Jesus (pos. offensive to Christians) (2)
  3. Nympho Convention
  4. TWO SWIPED FROM THE PRAIRIE RAMBLER <inoff>
  5. Can I have the car?
  6. Humor:One for the females,offensive to males
  7. HUMOR: best chain letter ever <language;off. everybody>
  8. Joke Clean: The Baseball Pitcher (An oldie)
  9. This one begs for flames from females!
 10. Yet More Trivia
 11. Stranger than fiction
 12. Confession <adult>
 13. MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSERT
 14. 20-20 Proof

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Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 04:04:36 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Girl Talk <some adult humor>

* My boyfriend is so well endowed," bragged the pert lil' coed,
  "that he carries his wallet around in his condom."
                                - - - - -

* "Well, I'll tell ya one thing," said a pretty White House Staffer,
  "the Clinton personnel have added a whole new dimension to that
  old political term 'Pressing the Flesh'."
                                - - - - -

*   The pre-teen had been waiting for her Mother to have "the talk"
  with her, but so far -- nothing.  She thought she'd drop a hint:
  "Mom, do you think girls should learn about life before thirteen ?"
    "Absolutely not !" her Mother replied.  "That's way too large of
  an audience."
                                - - - - -

* Intriguing fragment of a bar conversation: "Samuel is not only
  AC/DC, he also happens to be AM/FM."
                                - - - - -

*   While making her rounds, the Head Nurse noticed a young female
  patient missing.  Pressing the intercom, she said "Lori, where's
  the patient in 340 ?"
    "Oh !" came the reply.  "Well...  she was complaining of severe
  chills, so I put her in bed with Mr. Johnson in 328 who was running
  that high fever."
                                - - - - -

*   Two roommates were discussing life in general, and eventually the
  subject turned to men.  "I tell ya Marge, when I get an irresistible
  urge to kiss a guy, my teeth actually start chattering."
    "You think you got problems ? That ain't nothin'.  When I get all
  excited, my knees will start knocking."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 14:36:12 +0200
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Re: Question about Jesus (pos. offensive to Christians)

On Tue, 16 Dec 1997, Robert C Oshinsky wrote:
>      Since this is the Christmas Season, I was thinking about Jesus.
>      The following came to my warped mind.
>
>      We know the Jesus was a carpenter.  So, when he was working and hit
>      his thumb with a hammer, did he yell "ME"?
>
No, he just shouted: INRI - I Nailed him Right In

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 08:28:50 EST
From:    Mizz Darla <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Nympho Convention

Sent to me by a friend:

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices
the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane.

He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle
toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to
begin a conversation with her.

He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"

She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He's CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him,
and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!! "And what do you do at
this meeting?" he asks.

"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.

She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that black men are the
most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who own this trait.
Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting....." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she
says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even
know you! What's your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.......Tonto Goldstein. "

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 08:05:15 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: TWO SWIPED FROM THE PRAIRIE RAMBLER <inoff>

Socio-Genetics First Law: If your parents didn't have any children,
odds are you won't either

****

Pupils at an elementary school were asked to write 50 words or less on the
effect of oil on fish.

An 11-year-old wrote: "Last night my mother opened a can of sardines.
It was full of oil and all the fish were dead."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 08:27:20 -0500
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@EXCHANGE.PADER.GOV>
Subject: Can I have the car?

Thanks to rec.humor.funny

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.

His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with
you.  You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your
hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they
could discuss use of the car.  They again went to the father's study
where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you.  You have
brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been
thinking about that.  You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long
hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they
went!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 09:00:43 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:One for the females,offensive to males

A man went to the doctor.  The doctor came in and said, "Well,
I've got some good news and some bad news."

The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.  The
good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain
transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a
young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you
like.  The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is
$30,000.00.

The patient could not help but ask - "Why such a large
difference between the male and the female brain?"

The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 11:30:41 -0500
From:    "Lara B. Little" <ali00lbl@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: best chain letter ever <language;off. everybody>

Hello, my name is Bitchass Jones.  I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of
being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually
believe that if you send them,  that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas
with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes
smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures
of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents
every time you send me the letter.  Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates
is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking
stupid are you?

Ooooh, looky here!  If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get
laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog!  What a bunch of
bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out
there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid forwards.  Maybe
the evil chainletter leprechauns will come into my dorm room and sodomize
me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in
5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower
and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World
Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.  Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing.
I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor,
wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some
omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.  I don't fucking care.  Show a
little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by
sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.  Thank you,
and feel free to delete this email without sending it on to others (unless
they have it coming).

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 09:00:05 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: The Baseball Pitcher (An oldie)

Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there
were a lot of folks who thought so. Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a
natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball blew away the best
hitters. His 90 MPH curveball would start out like it was going to hit the
batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of
the plate for a strike. His changeup made the best hitters in the league cry
-- they would swing, drop the bat, and stare incredulously as the ball hit the
catcher's mitt. He was indeed awesome! Why then, you might ask, is he not in
the Hall of Fame? Why haven't you ever heard of him? Alas, like many others
before him, Mel's downfall was demon alcohol.

 Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary
around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until The Braves
and the Yankees were in the World Series! Excitement reigned! The series was
tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh
and deciding game. The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better
of him. He snuck out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases
of beer. As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good. But
being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the bottom of
the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out, and the bases
loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him. Eight
straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the
winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series.
After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke
to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me", he asked, "to what do you
attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"? In unison
they replied, "It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 11:42:18 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: This one begs for flames from females!

        Q. What is the only thing that is worse than a Male
           Chauvinist Pig?

        A. A woman who won't do what she is told to do!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 14:14:45 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Yet More Trivia

          ........just in case you were wondering:

 * All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
 * On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
   building is an American flag.
 * If she were life size, Barbie's measurements are: 39-23-33.
 * No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or
   purple.
 * "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
 * All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
   back of the $5 bill.
 * Almonds are members of the peach family.
 * Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
 * Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
 * There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous":
   tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
 * The longest place-name still in use is:
   Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokai-
   wenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
 * Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los
   Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size,
   "L.A."
 * A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
 * An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
 * Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
 * In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a
   watch is 10:10.
 * Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
 * The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
 * The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who
   fathered over 160 children.
 * The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
   the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful
   Life"
 * A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
 * A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
 * On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand
   corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the
   front upper right-hand corner.
 * The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
 * Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme?  Why it's
   Paul Reiser himself.
 * The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8
   miles away.
 * The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator,
   Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence
   "Oz."
 * The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
   and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
 * Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
 * John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
 * The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
 * There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
 * "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left
   hand.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 12:51:08 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Stranger than fiction

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because
that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built
by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,
which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel
spacing? Well, if they tried to  use any other spacing, the wagons would
break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing
of the old wheel ruts.

So, who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.  The
roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which
everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first
made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial
Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.  Thus, we have the
answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge
of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an
Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's
ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman
chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of
two war horses.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 17:47:42 -0500
From:    Jeff Vinocur <chip76@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Re: Question about Jesus (pos. offensive to Christians)

I'm Editor-in-Chief of my high school yearbook, and every year we print
a Senior Survey, which is a bunch of questions asked of the graduating
class.  The idea is that if you are looking back many years later,
you'll have a reminder of what it was like to live 1997-98 (who was the
favorite actor, etc).

One traditional question is "If were stuck on a desert island, who would
you like to be with?"  A lot of people always answer "Jesus."  This
year, one of the more light-hearted souls answered:  "Jesus.  And he was
a carpenter, so he could build us a boat."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 18:13:34 EST
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Confession <adult>

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father,
I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and
last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls.
Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

(original source unknown)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 20:40:16 -0800
From:    Jack Falk <jackfalk@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSERT

MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSERT
You must first remove the plastic cover.   By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.  You may not give
anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement
of Microsoft's rights).  You may, however, let others smell and look at
your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have
a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.  Set the oven using
these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//
Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will
set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may
crash, in which case your oven must be restarted.

This is a simple procedure.  Remove the dinner from the oven and enter
<ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.  This process may have to be
repeated.  Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot.
If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have
reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner
itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty.
These are for future menu items.   If the tray is too large to fit in
your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only
available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is
currently produced.

If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain
that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all
you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all
smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be
in the larger family size.  Excess chicken may be stored for future use,
but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises
a dessert with every dinner after '98.  However, that version has yet to
be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer,
causing your freezer to self-defrost.   This is a feature, not a bug. Your
freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 23:43:46 -0600
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: 20-20 Proof

You all read about the new cocktail--vodka and carrot juice.  It makes
for very observant revelers--they'll see exactly what it is they fell
over.


http://www.net4tv.com/net4tv/u2u/spotlite.htm

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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Dec 1997 to 18 Dec 1997
************************************************
