HUMOR Digest - 16 Dec 1997 to 17 Dec 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 300 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Christmas Toy
  2. Male Logic <some adult humor>
  3. Snowballs <a remembrance>
  4. Joke Clean: The Snake Breeder
  5. A ScHAIRY Story
  6. Escape from hell (offensive to Oregonians)
  7. Question about Jesus (pos. offensive to Christians)
  8. Are you ready for some really bad jokes?? <Offensive to good comedians>
  9. Just Logic <adult>

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Date:    Tue, 16 Dec 1997 08:36:23 +0100
From:    Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Christmas Toy

Nintendo is planning to introduce a new toy for Christmas. It called the
Game Girl.  Game Girl is not suitable for boys below 15 years. Game Girl
is available in two versions; the pocket Game Girl and the Game Girl 64.
With the introduction of the new toy Nintendo hopes that its sales would
double by the end of '98.

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Date:    Tue, 16 Dec 1997 03:39:05 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Male Logic <some adult humor>

*   Two hunters went deep into the woods.  One stumbled on a rock
  and accidently shot the other.  The one dragged his wounded buddy
  five miles back to the truck and sped to the hospital.
    Three hours later, a doctor came out of surgery.  "I'm sorry,
  we couldn't save him." he told the waiting hunter.  "You did well
  to get him here quickly. But..." he added, shaking his head sadly,
  "Maybe you shouldn't have gutted him first."
                                - - - - -

*   The Olympic Games in Atlanta were tuff to get tickets to.  Three
  locals struck upon a scheme to sneak in pretending to be athletes.
    The first grabbed a long pipe off his plumber's van and entered,
  telling the security officer: "Johnson, pole vault."
    The second grabbed a hub cap out of his truck, and ran past the
  guard shouting: "Billy Joe Anderson, discus."
    The last got a large roll of barbed wire from his truck, but was
  stopped at the gate when he said: "Smith -- fencing."
                                - - - - -

*   Ever wonder why most men love their cars and/or trucks more than
  women ?  Easy !
    There's a much better chance that their vehicles will turn over
  when the men want them to.
                                - - - - -

*   An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony
  beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.  As the bartender
  set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?"
    "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my
  love life."
    "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.
    "That's right.  My last four scores were seven years ago."
                                - - - - -

* For your next binge, try vodka and carrot juice.  You'll still get
  just as drunk, but you'll be able to see a lot better.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Tue, 16 Dec 1997 13:11:32 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Snowballs <a remembrance>

Q. What is:   Whoosh......
  _
 (_)  Splaatt!!!

A. An abridged memento of the 2,000 snowballs that hit HUMOR about
   this time, last year.

Happy festivities to you all. In this time of joy, giving and sharing
carols singing and caring, please remember to make time for a more
characteristic behaviour, like pigging, boozing and general debauchery.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Dec 1997 03:30:43 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: The Snake Breeder

There once was a snake farmer who had a pair of vipers he was trying to breed.
For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other.
Frustrated, he called up the local herpetologist, and explained the situation.
She hurried over, picked up the snakes, and looked at them. "You know what I
would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good
sized log, split the log in two, and made two tables out of them. Put the
table and snakes into a cage, and leave them alone for a while." Well, the
breeder thought this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it.
Sure enough, a few days later, he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called
up the expert, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you
see, your vipers are adders, and everybody knows that adders can multiply only
on log tables."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Dec 1997 10:00:51 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A ScHAIRY Story

 A young woman who had never been with a man became engaged to a young
 soldier. She promised to wait on him until he returned from war. A few
 months later, he was wounded and came home. They married soon after and,
 since they had little money, decided to live with her mother.

 On their wedding night, the couple went upstairs to consummate while Mama
 prepared dinner. When her husband removed his shirt, the young bride
 excused herself and ran downstairs. "Mama," she said, "he has hair all
 over his chest and back." Mama said, "It's okay, honey. Some men are like
 that. Just go back upstair and I'll call you when dinner is ready."

 When she returns, her husband has removed his pants. She excuses herself
 again, runs downstairs and says, "Mama, he has hair all over his legs!"
 Mama says, "That's okay, baby, most men do. Just go back upstairs and I'll
 call you when dinner is ready."

 She returns to her bedroom and sees her husband remove his shoes and
 socks. For the first time she sees his war wound, half of his foot blown
 off by a mine. She runs downstairs and says, "Mama, he has a
 foot-and-a-half!"  Mama says, "You cook dinner. I'll be right back..."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Dec 1997 11:07:25 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Escape from hell (offensive to Oregonians)

A curious fellow died one day and was waiting in a long, long line
for judgment. He noticed that some people, after they went through
the line, were able to go through heaven's gates. Others were lining
up behind satan who was throwing most of them into the eternal fires
of hell.  Every once in while, though, instead of tossing a poor soul
into the fire, he would toss him/her to one side. After watching for
hours, the fellow could not resist. He gave up his place in line and
went over and tapped satan on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, sir," he said. "I'm supposed to be in line for judgment
(didn't want satan to mistake him for someone who had already been
condemned to hell) but I couldn't help but wonder why some of these
people are being tossed aside instead of into the fires of hell?"

"Oh," satan said with a snicker. "Those are Oregonians. They're too
wet to burn."


(For non US Northwesterners, it allegedly rains a lot in Oregon.)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Dec 1997 11:25:42 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Question about Jesus (pos. offensive to Christians)

     Since this is the Christmas Season, I was thinking about Jesus.
     The following came to my warped mind.

     We know the Jesus was a carpenter.  So, when he was working and hit
     his thumb with a hammer, did he yell "ME"?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Dec 1997 20:51:16 EST
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Are you ready for some really bad jokes?? <Offensive to good comedians>

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sits down on
a stool at the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my
paw".

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!!"

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.  One
says to the other, "Are you all right?"  The other one says, "No, I lost
an electron".  The first atom says, "Are you sure?"  The other one says,
"Yes, I'm positive!!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were cold.  They lit a fire in the craft
and it sank shortly thereafter.  This proves once and for all that, "You
can't  have your kayak and heat it too!!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine
injection during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental
medication!!

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind and never amounted to
much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two
weevils!!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing
around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After
an hour of this, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them
to please disperse as quickly as possible.  "But why, they asked?"
"Because", said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
open foyer!!"

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns was good enough
to win.  Unfortunately, no "pun in ten did".

And finally remember this:

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in
Europe!!                          - Jackie Mason

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Dec 1997 10:31:47 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Just Logic <adult>

There are 2 nuns who went out the convent for selling
cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (S.M.), the
other is known as Sister Logical (S.L.).

S.L. : It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
S.L. : Have you noticed a man that has been following us for
       the past half hour ?
S.M. : Yes, I wonder what he wants.
S.L. : It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us.
S.M. : Oh, no ! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes
       at the most. What can we do ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do of course. We have to
       start walking faster.
S.M. : It is not working.
S.L. : Of course it is not working. The man did the only
       logical thing to do.
[He also started to walk faster.]
S.M. : So, what shall we do ? At this pace, he will reach us
       in less than 1 minute.
S.L. : The only logical thing we can do is to split. You go
       that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
       So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister
       Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because
       Sister Logical has not arrived yet.
Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
S.M. : Sister Logical ! Thank god you are here. Tell us what happened?
S.L. : The only logical thing happened. The man could not
       follow both of us, so he decided to go after me.
S.M. : So, what happened. Please tell us.
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as
       fast as I could.
S.M. : So what happened ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. The man also started
       to run as fast as he could.
S.M. : And what else ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
S.M. : Oh, no. What did you do then ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up.
S.M. : Oh, Sister. What did the man do ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. He put down his pants.
S.M. : Oh, no ! What happened then ?
S.L. : Isn't it logical Sister ? A nun with her dress up runs
       faster than a man with his pants down.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Dec 1997 to 17 Dec 1997
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