HUMOR Digest - 15 Dec 1997 to 16 Dec 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 566 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Oops!
  2. Good husband (Adult)
  3. Top 10 things... (May be off. to women, language)
  4. Yuppie Living <some adult humor>
  5. Joke Clean: Roy Rogers
  6. Love, Lust and Marriage
  7. Headaches! (Adult)
  8. <HUMOR> Research Project Announced by Annals of Improbable Research
  9. swimming
 10. Humor -"Whistling Dixie" Condom Update (Adult)
 11. Brickbats: Cynical observations and insights
 12. Flattery And ..<adult>
 13. In The News - Humorous News Quips

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Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 09:41:18 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Oops!

 A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the
 Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman.
 "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him
 in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next
 to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the
 Pontiff.

 Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is
 fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords.
 Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost
 immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but
 do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
 Only one word leapt to mind ...

 "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There
 must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it
 hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word
 you're looking for is 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have
 an eraser?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 15:25:16 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Good husband (Adult)

A woman who had been twice married and divorced was fed up. Her first husband
was violent, and her second husband ran off with another woman.

Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually; so, she put
an ad in the classifieds:

"Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and is
good in bed."

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with
no arms or legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he offers.

"You must be mistaken," she begins to reply.
"Let me explain," he interjects. "I can't beat you, because I don't have any
arms. I can't run off, because I don't have any legs."
"But," she demands, "how do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 12:52:37 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Top 10 things... (May be off. to women, language)

Ten things you'll never hear a woman say (I think):

1.   Do you think this dress makes me look too slim ?
2.   You take me out too much, can't we just stay in ?
3.   You look stressed out, let me give you a blow job.
4.   Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it.
5.   That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body.
6.   My mother is a real old bitch.
7.   No, no, you buy me too much already.
8.   Give it to me hard up the butt, you know I love it.
9.   Of course I do not have a headache.
10.  Put your money away, let me buy this round.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 03:58:54 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Yuppie Living <some adult humor>

*   As the Yuppie golfer teed-up at precisely his reserved time,
  he was tapped on the shoulder.  A man standing there handed him
  a note reading, "I am a deaf mute. Please let me play through."
    "This is my tee-off time." the golfer bellowed, shaking his
  head vigorously.  Then wrote on the note, "Your handicap doesn't
  allow you to play through."  The Yuppie then turned his back and
  proceeded to drive his ball straight down the fairway.
    While lining up his next shot, the golfer was struck on the
  back by a ball.  Turning around angrily, he spotted the deaf
  mute off in the distance holding up four fingers.
                                - - - - -

*   In Columbia Maryland religious fanatics scare all the agnostic
  Yuppies by burning question marks on their lawns.
                                - - - - -

*   Two Yuppies were having a private moment at the one's birthday
  party.  "Hey Clive." said the one. "It's your birthday, cheer up."
    "Well, the guys at work gave me a sweater." said the celebrant.
    "What ?  Was it the wrong size ?"
    "Oh no, nothing like that; except last year, they gave me a
  moaner and a groaner."
                                - - - - -

*   Two mice met behind a toaster in a Columbia household. "It's
  been a long time." the first said. "How's everything ?"
    "Great !" the second replied. "I have three brothers in
  pharmaceutical testing and a sister in heart research."
                                - - - - -

*   The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, "How 'bout some
  relaxing oral sex honey... only $50... you look all uptight."
    "No way !" the man responded.  "I'm married !!!"
    "So ???" queried the hooker.
    "My wife will do it for $35." he replied.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 02:26:48 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: Roy Rogers

Many years ago, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans had a problem with
a mountain lion. This lion had cost Roy and Dale a number of
head of cattle, but what really got Roy's attention was one
night the big cat crept onto the front porch of their house
and mangled Roy's brand new cowboy boots, which had been
left outside overnight. That was the final straw. Roy
saddled up Trigger, called his faithful dog Bullet to his
side, and rode off to find the mountain lion. He found the
lion and shot it and tied the carcass across Trigger's back
for the ride home. As he rode up to the house, Dale, who was
sitting on the porch, said, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat
that chewed your new shoes?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 13:23:02 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Love, Lust and Marriage

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?  For those
of you who have any questions, or misplaced envy, this should clear it up:

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a &*%$
MARRIAGE -When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 21:11:45 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Headaches! (Adult)

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and
finally went to a doctor.  After a thorough exam, the physician called the
fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing
your headaches, but we've found a cure for them:  you'll have to be castrated".
The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed
he would try to bear the pain.

But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow
was driven back to the doctor.  "All right, I guess I'll have the operation",
he said.  When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his
physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew - start over from this
point".

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of
clothes.  The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take
about a 38-regular".  "That's right", exclaimed the man, "how'd you know?"
"Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good
at sizing a man up", replied the salesman.  "Now, for a shirt, looks like about
a 15 long."
"Right again," the man said.  The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts,
I'd say a size 36."  "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's
for years."  "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner.

The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take
34".  The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to
pinch your balls and give you headaches!"


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 14:56:32 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Research Project Announced by Annals of Improbable Research

From: Marc Abrahams
Subject: mini-AIR Dec 97 -- Cogno-Intellectual

PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE
================================================================
The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")
Issue Number 1997-12 December, 1997

-------------------------------------------------------------
1997-12-03      Language Experiment

We invite you to take part in a large-scale language experiment.
It concerns the word "cogno-intellectual." This noble word can be
used as an adjective or as a noun. We just invented it. The fact
that "cogno-intellectual" has no meaning makes it a useful word.
Meaning nothing, it can be used for anything.

Here is the experiment. Use the word "cogno-intellectual" in
written and oral communications with colleagues, especially with
colleagues whom you do not know well. If you are a student, use it
with your most impressable teachers. If you are a teacher, use it
with your most impressable administrators. Use it at meetings. Use
it with significant strangers. Use it with abandon. Use it with
panache. The main thing is: use it.

The most interesting, and the most useful, stage of the experiment
will be to then gather evidence that the word is seeping into
general use. When you see such evidence, please send a copy to us
at:
                Institute of Cogno-Intellectual Research
                c/o AIR, PO Box 380853, Cambridge MA 02238 USA

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 15:08:42 -0500
From:    Persson Mattias <mattias.persson@AROSNET.SE>
Subject: swimming

Do you know which animal swims the best?

The snake, they crawl a lot.


http://www.gif.arosnet.se

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 14:48:50 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor -"Whistling Dixie" Condom Update (Adult)


(This is an update to two previous posts)

Copied From Ann Lander's Column:

 DEAR Readers: The letter I printed about the condom that whistles Dixie
has taken on a life of its own. It seems the subject refuses to die. The
following letter came from Washington, D.C.:

 Dear Ann: I read with great interest the letter about the prophylactic
that plays Dixie when in use. You wondered how that thing worked.

 As an intellectual property lawyer, I took it upon myself to learn more.
Enclosed you will find a copy of the patent issued in November 1992 to an
inventor from Massachusetts.Dixie isn't the only thing it can play. The
inventor has stated that the message or music "may warn, compliment,
stimulate, entertain or surprise the couple."

 Messages included a warning about safe sex and a compliment to the couple
for using a condom. Suitable melodies that can be heard emanating from the
condom are Tchaikovsky's The 1812 Overture, Happy Birthday to You and The
Anniversary Waltz.

 In answer to your question about sales north of the Mason-Dixon Line, Ann,
I suspect that they are selling like hot cakes if the product can play
Yankee Doodle.  -- Jeffrey A. Wolfson, Washington, D.C.

 Dear Jeffrey Wolfson: Thanks for the update.

 And now, dear readers, please, no more letters asking me to sell you the
musical condoms. Nor can I tell you where they can be purchased. I am not
in the condom business and am not interested in facilitating sales.

 Here's a final word to the men who are planning to purchase this gadget: I
hope you will not attempt to surprise your partner with this thing. She
would be startled out of her wits, and the mood of the moment most
certainly would be shattered.


Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 16:08:29 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbats: Cynical observations and insights

Seen on a church bulletin board: "Sunday morning subject: Come see
what hell is like." Just below that, "Come hear our new organist."

The other day I went into a Wal-Mart store and saw a sign that said,
"Wet floor," but I just didn't have the nerve to do it.

I'm also officially old. The other day I found myself browsing in the
bran section of the cereal aisle.

Most people gain weight during the holidays, but I've already lost
195 pounds. I divorced my husband.

I am a Baby Boomer involved with a Generation X woman. Fellas beware,
they do not like to clean the house.

If you can't fix it, privatize it.

My 3-year-old said, "When the trees get naked, it will snow."

Sign in front of office: "Veterinarian/Taxidermist (Either way, you
get your dog back)."

Why is it that when a woman snores, the man has to get up and sleep
on the couch, but if the man snores, the man has to get up and sleep
on the couch?

I wanted to thank the stranger who gave me a free ticket to the
Stones concert the other night. Karma lives.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Dec 1997 09:29:37 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Flattery And ..<adult>

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched
by a midget.Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy
doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up
next to him,climbs it,and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow,
"but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it,
he obliges the request.The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the
man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the
ladder!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 21:32:43 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING: May be offensive to women, American politicians, Iraqis, the IRS,
Russian Astronauts, the US Air Force, Dan Kwale, airline baggage handlers,
Jack Kevorkian, Pete Rose, Woody Allen, Steven Seagal. Includes reference
to illegal drug use. Mild language.

General Hugh Shelton was unanimously confirmed as chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff. His wife was relieved - not every women can say her
husband was certified as a non-adulterer by the US  Senate.

El Nino could produce three times the normal amount of rain. It has already
produced three times the normal amount of hype.

Saddam Hussain declared victory over the US, and is planning a "Victory To
The People Day". Maybe we should provide the fireworks again. (Leno)

Paul McCartney says it's wrong to make criminals out of people who smoke
pot. The problem is, pot is a gateway drug. One day you're not inhaling,
the next day you're not violating campaign finance laws.

Sixty nine percent of Americans say the IRS has too much power and abuses
that power. The remaining 31% were too afraid to fill out the survey.
(Cutler Daily Scoop)

After Senate hearings, the IRS said it would review complaints and end
quotas for audits. The IRS also agreed to stop playing the theme to "Jaws"
when calling taxpayers. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

The US Postal Service issued commemorative stamps honoring legendary
monsters. I'm saving Dracula for my tax return.

The US Air Force suspended training flights following several "incidents"
involving multi-million dollar aircraft. The situation is so bad, Russian
cosmonauts aboard the Mir are now telling Air Force jokes.

Former Vice President Dan Quayle is considering running for president in
2000. He's working on getting over the last hurdle - trying to spell
'millennium'.

Life magazine celebrated the millennium in its November issue by picking
the 100 most important people of the last 1,000 years. Some folks you
didn't see on that list include the inventor of call waiting and the
creators of the macarena.

The Bush presidential library opened. Presidential libraries are a fairly
new thing. They call them libraries because it doesn't have the same ring
to say, "monuments we build to ourselves".

The Rolling Stones' "Bridges to Babylon" tour has been selling out. It's
the first major rock 'n' roll tour sponsored by the AARP. (Cutler Daily
Scoop)

The FBI has hired the former head of a nuclear weapons lab with no forensic
experience to head up its troubled crime lab. It appears they've decided to
just blow up the lab and start over.

According to a CBS poll, women are much better liars than men. At least
that's what THEY say... they could be lying.

British Airways suspended two pilots who let a 5 year old handle the
controls in flight. The pilots have been offered job on Mir.

In a recent poll about what bothers Americans most, being stuck in traffic
was second only to crime. This explains why carjacking pisses us off so
much...

Jack Kevorkian was recently issued a license to carry a handgun, or as he
calls it, his assistant. (Leno)

It was 14 years ago that the cellular phone was introduced. Before that,
drivers had to keep their hands busy with just a radio.

Some bad news if you're an auto enthusiast. Chevrolet is phasing out the
Geo line of cars. The good news is, the Geo Metro will still be available
at Toys R Us. (Leno)

Boeing has introduced the worlds largest twin engine jet, which can carry
up to 550 passengers. Industry experts say it's so state of the art,
airlines will be able to lose passengers luggage on board.

According to a new study, Americans now spend 94% of their time indoors.
What do you expect from a culture that goes inside a gym to use a walking
machine? (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Steven Seagal is going on tour as a country singer. I guess in addition to
not winning an Oscar, he's working on not winning a Grammy.

According to a sociologist at Arizona State University, couples who don't
have children are the happiest. Unless of course, you are Woody Allen, and
the person you are dating IS one of the children... that just throws the
whole thing off... (Leno)

Pete Rose is seeking readmission to baseball. He's confident major league
officials will OK his reentry. In fact, he's willing to bet on it.

I just bought an F117 Stealth Fighter Monogram model. It comes with three
houses and doesn't require assembly. (rec.humor.funny)

and yes, I know it's Dan Quayle...

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End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Dec 1997 to 16 Dec 1997
************************************************
