HUMOR Digest - 14 Dec 1997 to 15 Dec 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 496 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Danger: Bureaucrats at Work
  2. Christmas Songs (Answers)
  3. C Monkey, C Monkey C++
  4. Motorcycles are better than women (offensive to women)
  5. Why do I never develop these disorders? (Sexual)
  6. The Candy Wrapper
  7. New Chicken Quotes (Clean)
  8. Life is Hard !
  9. poor people!
 10. The HoneyMoon <adult>

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Date:    Sun, 14 Dec 1997 04:04:19 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Danger: Bureaucrats at Work

* We've all read about the CIA and its security problems in the
  past few years.  And we all know about "Top Secret", "Eyes
  Only", etc documents.  But in an effort to tighten internal
  security, they have a new classification, known as "DBR" --
  Destroy Before Reading.
                                - - - - -

* In Baltimore Maryland some bars had ladies known as "Bar Flies".
  Their job was to get the customers to buy drinks.  The Maryland
  Legislature outlawed this practice, but I guess whomever entered
  the bill in the database wasn't familiar with the term.  The bill
  is under "insects" and described as "Bar Flies, female, HB 121".
                                - - - - -

* Maryland's "Eastern Shore" is primarily flat and lies between a
  Bay and the Ocean.  Ever since the 50's, landowners and farmers
  have been filling in low lying areas for construction & farming.
  Recently, Maryland got a Federal Grant of umpteen million dollars
  to take some of these filled-in areas and create "Wetlands" --
  (aka "swamps") and we call this progress.
                                - - - - -

* Baltimore was a prime example of public housing.  Gigantic units,
  30 stories high or more, were built where once stood individual
  homes.  Recently, three of these buildings were literally "blown
  up".  Anybody wantta guess what they're gonna build there ?
  Yep !  Individual, single family homes -- ahhhhh, more progress.
                                - - - - -

* The Maryland State Highway Maintenance Division was primarily
  staffed by males until the late 70's.  Stock Clerks wore garments
  called "smocks".  When women starting filling these positions,
  smocks in their sizes were rather scarce.  One woman requested a
  size 20.  The Central Depot issued her two size 10's.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 14 Dec 1997 03:19:36 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Christmas Songs (Answers)

    CHRISTMAS SONGS TEST - ANSWERS

   Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
   Silent Night
   O Little Town of Bethlehem
   Good King Wenseslas
   Deck the Halls
   Joy to the World
   Hark the Herald Angels Sing
   We Three Kings of Orient Are
   Away in a Manger
   Angels we have heard on high
   Come all ye Faithful
   O Holy Night
   White Christmas
   Jingle Bells
   12 days of Christmas
   It came upon a midnight clear
   Frosty the Snowman
   All I want for Christmas are my two front teeth
   I saw momma kissing Santa Claus
   Walking in a Winter Wonderland

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Date:    Sun, 14 Dec 1997 09:38:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: C Monkey, C Monkey C++

From: Daniel Chenault

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley,
and is browsing round the cages on display. While
he's there, another customer walks in and says to
the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please".

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the
side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits
a collar and leash and hands it to the customer,
saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and
walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper
and says, "That was a very expensive monkey--most
of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did
it cost so much?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program
in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well
worth the money."

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage.
He says to the shopkeeper, "That one's even more
expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey;
it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++,
even some Java, all the really useful stuff."

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees
a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag
round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper,
"That one costs more than all the others put together!
What on earth does it do?"

"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it does anything,
but it says it's a Consultant."



---
A C+ would  + all the C it could + if a C+ could+ C.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 14 Dec 1997 11:07:04 EST
From:    CCRShipp <CCRShipp@AOL.COM>
Subject: Motorcycles are better than women (offensive to women)

WHY MOTORCYCLES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN (anon)

Motorcycle curves never sag.
You can ride a motorcycle any day of the month.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is REALLY wrong.
You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your motorcycle with friends.
Motorcycles don't care how many other motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your motorcycle ALWAYS arrive at the same time.
If your motorcycle is too loose you can tighten it.
You can drink beer and ride your motorcycle.
If you say things to your motorcycle you don't have to apologise before
  you can ride it again.
You can ride a motorcycle until YOU get sore.
Motorcycles won't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your motorcycle.
If you get a new motorcycle you don't have to keep sending money to the old
one.

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Date:    Sun, 14 Dec 1997 19:08:52 -0000
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Why do I never develop these disorders? (Sexual)

Doctors Cure Woman's Unwelcome Orgasms
====================================

LONDON (Reuters) -- British doctors said on Friday they had successfully
treated a 44-year-old woman who was prone to repeated and uncontrollable
orgasms that were "neither pleasurable nor satisfying" and often came on at
the wheel of a car.
"She would suddenly become aware of an internal, ascending feeling
indistinguishable from an orgasm," the doctors wrote in The Lancet medical
journal.
She reported no other symptoms but suffered from the uncontrollable orgasms
every two weeks over a period of three years.
"Sexual seizures are rare and, owing to their nature, may (be presented) to
physicians late," wrote Drs. Robert Will and Paul Reading of Edinburgh's
Western General Hospital.
"They had no definite triggers and were neither particularly pleasurable nor
satisfying because they were out of her control."
The attacks came on while the woman was engaged in such innocuous pastimes
as listening to the radio or driving. On several occasions she had to stop
the car to calm down.
The patient put her condition down to migraines and delayed seeking medical
help until one seizure left her unconscious.
The doctors said the condition was linked to a severe headache that had
occurred two years before. A brain scan revealed an abnormality in the right
side of the woman's brain, and she was given a drug used for epilepsy.
The unwelcome orgasms have not returned.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 14 Dec 1997 16:25:43 EST
From:    AGreatVla <AGreatVla@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Candy Wrapper

It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw
Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, Hey Sweetart,
how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Hundred Thousand Dollar
Bar?"

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was
like pure  Almond Joy.  I couldn't help but grab her delicious
Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my
Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream
"Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't
be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste
of the old Milky Way.  She asked if I was into M&M, but I said "Hey
Chicklet, no kinky stuff". I said "Look you little Reeces Pieces,
don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver..  Why don't you just take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O'Honey?"
(and what a piece of Juicyfruit she was too).

She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!"
as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was givin' it to her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden...
my Starburst.  As luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky
and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.  Sure enough, nine months
later, out popped a Baby Ruth.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 14 Dec 1997 14:31:48 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: New Chicken Quotes (Clean)

MORE WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD

I received over 300 new quotes including full lists for X-Files,
Star Trec, Monte Python, Computers, and Babylon 5.  Anyone wanting
the full list can write me.

Pete Rose: 9 to 5, he doesn't make it.

Lorell Sprewell: I know I shouldn't have choked him but he
had stepped over the line when he crossed the road. What was
I supposed to do, ignore it.

Mike Tyson: I dunno, but that ear sure tastes like CHICKEN!

Louise Woodward: To shake up her brood a little.

Shirley MacLaine: After I was hatched from an egg in 1703, I
recall having to cross the road.

George Washington: We used chickens to sniff out British
Sympathizers. We called the operation "chicken cacciatore".

Rupert Murdoch: We have launched a new channel devoted
entirely to chicken crossings which will rival any channel
run by Ted Turner.

Parker Brothers: To go directly to Jail without passing Go
and collecting $200.00.

Ted Turner: Chicken crossing is the most popular show on our
TSN-5 Channel, easily beating high school tiddly-winks
tournements.

Tevye: As the good book says, "If you cross the road to get
out of the rain, its snowing on the other side."

Darth Vader: She was seduced by the dark side of the road.

Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll
thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.

Dr. Peter Venkman: This chick is "Toast".

Brett Maverick: As my pappy used to say, "If someone wants
to bet you that that chicken will cross the road to lay an
egg, warm up the skillet to make an omlette."

Walter Mitty: Staring out into space, he saw himself
rescuing the flock from slaughter, never hearing the
approaching truck.

Hobson: He had no choice.

Forrest Gump: My Mama always says, "stupid is what stupid
does."

Vito Corleone: We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

Mike Callahan: Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is
increased; shared chicken is soup. Joseph Guillotine: So he
could get a head-start on the competition.

Andrew Comstock: It is shocking for a chicken to cross
showing its breast without dressing. He who stops to observe
the chicken will be damned to spend eternity in Hell.

David Letterman: And the number one reason that the chicken
crossed the road: He heard Disney was casting for its new
cartoon version of Kafka's "The Metamorphosis".

Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the
run.

Mickey Spillane: She was a bantam bombshell with a body that
could rock Plymouth and a feather on top of her comb, as I
watched her crossing the road slowly slithering towards my
cubbyhole I call an office.

Joseph Heller: The chicken had to cross because not crossing
meant he would die, a victim Milo's black market. Of course,
crossing meant he would die anyway as the jeep zoomed by. So
he could have crossed and died. Or he could have stayed put
and died. Those were his only choices, so he had to cross.
Or not cross.

John Fowles: Roosters love to cross the road because it
allows them to look serious. Because it is the one thing
that stops hens from laughing at them.

William Faulkner: The chicken, weighed down by the burden of
a thousand chickens before her who in the swirling dust of
the lightbespeckled dusk of far fields in the long gone time
of Gettysburg and Cold Harbor and Vicksburg, picked her way
through the brown and muddy road as she sought to relive the
faded glory and dying dreams of Grandmother--Grandmother
whose eggs were sacrificed in one swirling raid upon the
General's tent one crisp October morning because Jeb Stuart
was lacking coffee.

Feodor Dostoevski: To be struck by a passing car. The most
meaningful reality in life is individual freedom, and the
supreme expression of individual freedom is suicide.

Raymond Chandler: She had beady inhuman eyes like strange
black jewels and the kind of feathers a bird of paradise
might envy. I knew that if they made her a free-range
chicken she'd grab the first opportunity and never look
back.

Cotton Mather: She is a witch in league with the devil, who
must be Bar-B-Qued on the stake.

William Harrison Hays: A hen and rooster may be seen
together only if they are on opposite sides of the road. A
chicken shall never be shown crossing the road if another
chicken is present.

Newt Gingrich: The chicken choose to exercize individual
initiative and not wait for a government-funded traffic
light program.

Al Gore: I wasn't there. I didn't call it. It didn't make a
political contribution. I don't think it's a Buddhist. We
didn't let it into the White House---to my knowledge.

Kurt Weill: Chicken's sneaking 'round the corner, afraid of
meeting Mack the Knife.

William Blake:

        Little chicken, who set thee free
        To wander here on Highway Three?
        "Oh, sir, your question's very odd;
        He is called the Lamb of God."

        Little chicken, crushed and bleeding,
        You did not see that auto speeding.
        "Oh, sir, do not sit and brood:
        God just had a Tygerish mood."

John Phillip Sousa: He was marching to a different tune.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 14 Dec 1997 19:28:03 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Life is Hard !

A friend went to her doctor the other day, and the man was not very
sympathetic with her aches and pains:  "You'll just have to learn to live
it," he said.

When she got her bill for $90, she gave it back, with the notation,
"You'll just have to learn to live without it!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 14 Dec 1997 21:11:15 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: poor people!

nce ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

                -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Dec 1997 09:57:29 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The HoneyMoon <adult>

 Honeymoon of an Electronics Engineer

 Dear Mother,
       I am writing to inform you of how much I enjoyed my WIRELESS
 HONEYMOON. As soon as we arrived at our hotel, he insisted on
 seeing  my receiving set, and naturally I agreed, for now he has a
 licence.

       He soon had my set uncoverd and spend some time examining it
 carefully. My two large condensers pleased him immediately and he was
 soon manipulating them with the ease of an expert.

       Obviously satisfied that my socket was in order, he got his
 aerial and had it erected, I was pleased to see that his twin accumulators
 were fully charged. He had quite a job getting his aerial filtered
 at first as he had it insulated with rubber. I suggested taking the
 rubber off to ensure complete contact, and having done so he plugged in
 again and turning his knob, a perfect contact was made inside my set.

       He was careful at first as he played due to the resistance of
 my new receiver but soon the high tension increased and his aerial
 began to oscillate. My receiver warmed up and the signal to cover
 through.He manipulated the condensers again and extended the volume.
 Suddenly, I noted the atmosphere on my set and without warning masiive
 fluid came through and fortunately the action caused his aerial to
 sag and his accumulators were run down. So,he was obliged to disconnect.

       It seemed pity that our evening's enterainment had to be
 curtailed, but as he said my recveiver would become adjusted to his aerial
 once he had learnt to control the high tension, perfect reception
 could be ensured over a long period.He said he was surprised to find my
 receiver new as he was under the impression that it had been in use
 with some other aerials.

       I should like to have a longer aerial, for I feel sure if he
 could get  an inch or more longer, we would have enough volume to get a
 loud  speaker. He agreed with me but he thought regular use should
 stretch it sufficiently.

       Well, Mother, I shall have to close now as he has been doing my
 condensers while I have been writing. He has already uncovered my
 receiver and his aerial is erected and I cannot write very well once
 he had got it plugged in.

   I will write to you tomorrow and let you know what reception is
 like tonight. He did say that he is going to try my receiver in a
 different position.

 Love.
 Your loving daughter......

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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Dec 1997 to 15 Dec 1997
************************************************
