HUMOR Digest - 13 Dec 1997 to 14 Dec 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 444 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Women: The Gentler Sex <adult humor>
  2. The poor Doctor
  3. kids, *#%@$%!!!!
  4. Another Planned Parenthood sign. Suggestive. Adult
  5. Humor - Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
  6. Kill the neighbor (adult)
  7. two oldies
  8. Twas the Night Before Crisis
  9. Christmas Song Test (Answers Tomorrow)

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Date:    Sat, 13 Dec 1997 04:55:46 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Women: The Gentler Sex <adult humor>

* How does a Yuppette tell when her counterpart is sexually aroused ?
  Why... by his stiff upper lip of course.
                                - - - - -

*   A prominent Columbia Maryland Yuppette had her teenage niece
  from New York visiting for the summer.  She decided to sit down
  and have a talk with the girl explaining how things were done in
  Yuppie City.
    "Darling," she advised, "you must be careful of certain men
  who offer you several drinks. Before you realize it, they'll push
  you down on a couch and...  well...  our family will be disgraced."
    Less than a week later, the Aunt asked her how things were going.
  "Great !" said the girl. "A young stud did indeed try to ply me
  with liquor, but I made him drink them.  Then, when he was bombed
  out of his mind, I pushed him down on couch and screwed his brains
  out.  So it looks like our family's doing pretty damn good, huh ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A group of Wombats entered the last remaining "Men Only" club in
  a fashionable part of Richmond.  The manager told the ladies he was
  sorry but women were not permitted past the lobby, as it was a firm
  policy that women were not allowed beyond the double doors with the
  members.
    One of the women who called herself Xena was decked out in a
  leather motorcycle jacket, complete with chains, said, "My dear sir.
  We don't want to go in there with the men at all.  We're giving them
  all 10 minutes to get the hell out !"
                                - - - - -

*   Now that fur is starting to become fashionable once again, a lady
  donned her full length mink and went to the Mall.  She was stopped
  by an animal rights activist.  "Look Lady, do you know how many
  animals had to die in order to make that coat ?" she demanded.
    "And do you know how many animals I had to screw to get it ?"
  sneered the fur wearer back.
                                - - - - -

*   After a rather heated argument, the husband was sitting alone at
  the breakfast table and decided to just have some cereal.  Wondering
  if he could patch things up in time for their usual Friday nite
  love-making, he got his answer as he poured his cereal into the bowl.
    It seems the wife had carefully hand lettered the words, "You ain't
  getting" to his box of "Nut 'n' Honey" cereal.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 13 Dec 1997 10:19:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: The poor Doctor

From: JackFrei

Dr. Charles Albert Hallsworth had dedicated his entire professional life
taking care of the medical needs of a small town on the Southern coast
of England.  The townspeople, for the most part were poor, and often
could not pay for Dr. Hallsworth's services. Consequently, despite many
years of practicing medicine, he was a contented, but not a wealthy man.

As the aging doctor approached retirement he decided that he would like
to leave a legacy to to the town and to the townspeople who he had come
to love, and who greatly respected and admired him.  He wanted to build
a monument to them.  The problem was finances - he simply was unable to
afford to build a the type of ediface which he thought the town deserved.

As he was pondering the alternatives he happened to hear of a freighter
which had very recently shipwrecked off the coast of England, very near
the town he served.  With the meager savings he had acquired over the
years he purchased the salvage rights to the vessel, hoping beyond hope
that in the contents could somehow supply the funds required to fulfill
his dream.  Alas,  however, he found that the freighter was carrying a
shipload of balsa wood. The wood which could be salvaged was not even
worth the price he had paid for the salvage rights. Dejected but
undaunted the good doctor turned all his spare time and energies to
trying to find a use for this wood.  After studying engineering and
archetectual manuals he  was convinced that he could still fulfill his
dream.  He would build his marvelous monument out of BALSA wood.

Of course everyone told him that balsa was too light and unstable to
build with,  but he would show them all.  He was convinced that his
plans were sound, despite conventional thought to the contrary.

With renewed vigor and inspiration he single-handedly built the monument
- a beautiful ediface, the most magnificant structure most of the people
of the small town had ever seen.

Unfortunately, as the winter winds began to blow,  and the seasonal
storms buffeted the coast, the magnificant structure was unable to stand
up to the gale forces. The beautiful building,  the result of one man's
dream, the monument he had wanted to leave as his legacy to this town,
was leveled completely.

The people of the town,  rather than showing compassion,  mocked his
efforts and jeered him. They had forgotten the lifetime of caring
service which he had provided to them.  The doctor became dejected and
became a recluse, eventually dying penniless.

To this day, as the Winter winds begin to howl along the coast of this
small town on the Southern coast of England, the townsfolk still recall
this poor dejected man's quest.  However instead of remembering the love
and dedication he had for them they mock his one failure.  Children
still take to the streets and sing of "Doctor Hallsworth's Balsa  Folly,
tra-la-la-la-la   la-la-la- la."


---
A good pun is its own reword.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 13 Dec 1997 13:44:10 -0500
From:    "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: kids, *#%@$%!!!!

A salesman calls this house, and the 3 year old son answers the phone.

The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your mother?"

The boy whispers in a very low voice, "She's busy."

The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your daddy?"

The kid whispers again, in a very low voice, "He's busy too."

The salesman then asks, "Is there anyone else there?"

The tot replies in the same quiet voice, "A policeman."

The salesman inquires, "Can I talk to the policeman?"

The boy repeats again, in a low whisper, "He's busy too."

The salesman again questions him and asks, "Is there anyone else there?"

The kid comes back in a whisper, "A fireman."

The salesman then wants to know if he can talk to the fireman.

And once again the tot whispers, "He's busy too."

By now the salesman is really wondering what is going on.  He asks the
boy, "What are they all doing?"

The little rug-rat replies, still in a very low whisper...

"Looking for me."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 13 Dec 1997 14:21:58 -0500
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Another Planned Parenthood sign. Suggestive. Adult

Jim Moore Jr sez

> There's a sign in the parking lot at the Planned Parenthood office:
> "Be careful pulling out"

I remember a sign outside a Planned Parenthood office that read

                  "Entrance at the rear"

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Date:    Sat, 13 Dec 1997 13:32:41 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

Re'd from my son. Author unknown.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray paint gold, turn upside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '95

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect.  Reassemble.

December 13
Collect Dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires
are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.

December 25
Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve!   Give staff their resolutions.  Call a friend in each
time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.


Note: Martha Stewart is a syndicated homemaking collumnist noted for her
      many faceted talents.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 13 Dec 1997 21:43:59 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Kill the neighbor (adult)

The phone rings. John picks it up.

"John?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Is my wife in bed?"
"Yes, sir?"
"With whom, George?"
"With the neighbor, sir."
"John, I want you to pick up the gun and shut them both!"
"Yes, sir!"
An he leaves the phone on the table.

After a while five or six shots are fired.

"Sir, says John, the job is done."
"Why did it take it so long? Why did you shot six times?"
"Well, sir, I had to run after them and I killed them by the pool."

"...But, John,... we do not have a pool!"
"Well, than it must be the wrong number, sir. Good bye, sir!"


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 13 Dec 1997 16:15:02 EST
From:    GKat86573 <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: two oldies

     After years of being kidded about his name, Maxie Kissinger went to court
and changed it to Roosevelt, his hero.  But the jokes were even more sickening
now, so he changed his name to Carter.  Pretty soon, people started kidding
him about little liver pills so he changed it once again.  In fact, he was in
and out of court so often and his friends began to ask, "I wonder who's
Kissinger now?"
	-------------------------------------------------------

     Harry and Joe, two old friends, were comparing their exploits, each, as
usual, trying to outdo the other.
     "Once I caught a herring," Harry said.  "And I'm telling you, Joe it was
the biggest
herring that has ever been seen by a mortal.  It weighed 500 lbs at least!"
     "That's nothing, Harry, " answered Joe.  " Once, when I was fishing, I
pulled up my line and what did I find on the hook but a ship's lamp.  And I
should live so long, it had the date stamped on  the bottom-1392; a hundred
years before Columbus yet!
But that's not all:  Inside the lamp was a light, and it was still burning!"
      Harry studied his friends face for a few moments without a trace of
expression.  Then he grinned and said, "Listen, Joe, let's compromise.  From
the herring I'll knock off 495 lbs, and you blow out the light!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 13 Dec 1997 19:54:22 -0500
From:    Alan <mailalan@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Twas the Night Before Crisis

'Twas the night before crisis, and all thru the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out, too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my screen to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger on the ENTER key,
The system came up, and worked perfectly.
The updates, updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries, inquired; and the closing completed.

He tested each whistle, he tested each bell,
With nary an abend, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The client's last changes were even included!

And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
'It's just what I asked for, but not what I want.'

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 13 Dec 1997 21:53:19 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Christmas Song Test (Answers Tomorrow)

      How many Christmas songs can you guess?

   1. Quadruped with Crimson Proboscis
   2. Eight pm to six am without noise
   3. Miniscule Hamlet in the Near East
   4. Benevolent Despot
   5. Adorn the Vestibule
   6. Exuberence Directed to the Planet
   7. Listen! Aeriel Spirits Announcing
   8. Trio of Monarchs
   9. Yonder in the Hayrack
  10. Cherubins, Audited from Aloft
  11. Assemble, Everyone who Believes
  12. Hallowed, Post Meridiem
  13. A Combination of All Colors on Dec. 25
  14. Tintinabulaton
  15. A Dozen 24 Hour Yule Periods
  16. Befell During the Translucent Bewitching Hour
  17. Homo Sapien of Crystalized Vapor
  18. I Desire a Pair of Incisors on Dec. 25
  19. I Espied My Maternal Parent Osculating St. Nick
  20. Perambulating Through a Dec. Solstice Fantasy

      MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY AND PEACEFUL NEW YEAR

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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Dec 1997 to 14 Dec 1997
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