HUMOR Digest - 12 Dec 1997 to 13 Dec 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 665 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Support Calls
  2. The Marriage-go-Round <adult humor>
  3. No difference <off. to Czech government>
  4. comedic outlook on life
  5. University of Life (off. to men)
  6. More Newspaper Headlines
  7. New expressions
  8. 'Twas the night before Finals  (author unknown - not offensive)
  9. Two College Jokes
 10. Things not to say to a Policeman
 11. Barbie's letter to Santa <adult...off to women Libbers>
 12. programming
 13. Xmas Poem Question <innoffensive>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 23:02:05 -0800
From:    Jack Falk <jackfalk@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Support Calls

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet,
           and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Customer: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Customer: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Customer: How do you spell that?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 03:30:51 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Marriage-go-Round <adult humor>

*   "I'm worried I'm losing my wife's affection." the husband
  told the counselor.
    "Has she started to neglect or ignore you ?" he asked.
    "Oh no.  Not at all.  She's an old fashioned girl, right
  out of the 50's.  She meets me with a cold drink and a warm
  kiss at nite.  My shirts are always ironed, the house is as
  neat as a pin, and she's a great cook.  She lets me choose
  the TV shows, never objects to sex and does the budget."
    "My God Man !" the counselor shouted.  "You've got it made.
  What the hell are you doing in here wasting my time ?"
    "Well..." the husband ventured, "maybe I'm being a wee bit
  too sensitive, but ever since she joined this on-line group
  called the Wombats, at nite, when she thinks I'm asleep, she
  whispers 'Die !  You son-of-a-bitch.  DIE !!!' in my ear."
                                - - - - -

*   In Columbia Maryland, there's a sign in the parking lot at
  the Planned Parenthood office: "Be careful pulling out"
                                - - - - -

*   Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit
  to her obstetrician's office.  When the exam was over, she
  shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
    "I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring
  hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time.  Sex
  is fine until late in the pregnancy."
    "No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to
  know if I can still mow the lawn."
                                - - - - -

*   The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple
  for over a year.  While pleasant and hardworking, the girl
  still struggled with English.  One day she informed the Lady
  of the House, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for
  a visit.
    "That's wonderful.  How long is his furlough ?"
    "Oh... yust the same as husband's yours, but a little bit
  thicker." the au pair replied.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 11:32:06 MET
From:    Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject: No difference <off. to Czech government>

This one appeared in today's issue of a Czech Web newspaper
"Neviditelny pes" (The Invisible Dog):

Q: What is the difference between MS Windows and Czech government?
A: None. Everybody hopes that the next version will be stable.


Note: for those not acquainted with Czech politics: Vaclav Klaus's
      government resigned after financial scandals recently.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 06:20:11 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: comedic outlook on life

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three.
*--Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
*--John Mendoza

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
*--Bob Ettinger

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a
congressman.
*--Bruce Baum

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be.  But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.
We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.
*--Jeff Stilson

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there.  I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should
get rid of the body before you do the wash.
*--Jerry Seinfeld

USA Today has come out with a new survey:  Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population.
*--David Letterman


I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
*--Lily Tomlin

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, 'Oh my God.  I could be eating a slow learner.'
*--Dennis Miller

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 07:20:08 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: University of Life (off. to men)

 A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you
 should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six
 quarters you, too, can be a real man. Please take a moment to look over
 the program outline.

     FIRST YEAR
     Fall Schedule:

     MEN 101     Combating Stupidity
     MEN 102     You Too Can Do Housework
     MEN 103     PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
     MEN 104     We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas


     Winter Schedule:

     MEN 110     Wonderful Laundry Techniques
     MEN 111     Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM
     MEN 112     Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
     MEN 113     Get a Life; Learn to Cook


     Spring Schedule:

     MEN 120     How NOT To Act Like an [anus] When You're Wrong
     MEN 121     Understanding Your Incompetence
     MEN 122     YOU, the Weaker Sex
     MEN 123     Reasons to Give Flowers


                       SECOND YEAR
     Fall Schedule:

     SEX 101     You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
     SEX 102     Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
     MEN 201     How to Stay Awake After Sex
     MEN 202     How to Put the Toilet Seat Down


     Winter Schedule:

     MEN 210     The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
     MEN 211     How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children
     MEN 212     You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
     MEN 213     Honest -- You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise -- Especially
                 naked


     Spring Schedule:

     MEN 220     Omitting @#%~&*! From Your Vocabulary
     MEN 221     Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is Not Necessary
     MEN 222     Real Men Ask for Directions
     MEN 223     Thirty Minutes of Begging is Not Considered Foreplay

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 06:25:35 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: More Newspaper Headlines

  Here are a few headlines you may have missed...

  Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

  Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip

  Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

  Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

  New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

  Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

  Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

  Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

  Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

  British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

  Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

  Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

  New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

  Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

  Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

  Air Head Fired

  Steals Clock, Faces Time

  Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

  Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

  Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

  Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 09:53:58 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: New expressions

The following are winners in a New York Magazine contest in which
contestants were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign
language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new
expression.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?

EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail

IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys

VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered

J'Y SUIS, J'Y PESTES - I can stay for the weekend

COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle

RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots

QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The King is dead. No kidding.

POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous

PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown

MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old

HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food

VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort

APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly get wet

PORTE-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine

FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine

VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave chateau without it

VENI VIDI VISA - I came, I saw, I bought

MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'.

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here

L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 09:25:07 -0700
From:    Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: 'Twas the night before Finals  (author unknown - not offensive)

The Night Before Finals

        'Twas the night before finals,
        And all through the college,
        The students were praying
        For last minute knowledge.

        Most were quite sleepy,
        But none touched their beds,
        While visions of essays
        danced in their heads.

        Out in the taverns,
        A few were still drinking,
        And hoping that liquor
        would loosen their thinking.

        In my own bedroom,
        I had been pacing,
        And dreading exams
        That I soon would be facing.

        My roommate was zoned-out,
        His nose in his books,
        And my comments to him
        Drew unfriendly looks.

        I drained all the coffee,
        And brewed a new pot,
        Not even noticing
        That my nerves were shot.

        I stared at my notes,
        But my thoughts were muddy,
        My eyes went ablur --
        I just couldn't study.

        "Some pizza might help,"
        I said with a shiver,
        But each place I called
        Refused to deliver.

        I'd nearly concluded
        That life was too cruel,
        With my future depending
        On grades had in school.

        When all of a sudden,
        Our door opened wide,
        And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
        Ambled inside.

        His spirit was careless,
        His manner was mellow,
        My look disbelieving,
        As he started to bellow:

        "What kind of student
        Would make such a fuss,
        To toss back at teachers
        What they tossed at us?"

        "On Cliff Notes!  On Crib Notes!
        On Last Year's Exams!
        On Wingit and Slingit,
        And Last Minute Crams!"

        His message delivered,
        He vanished from sight,
        But we heard him laughing
        Outside in the night.

       "Your teachers have slammed you,
        So just do your best.
        Happy Finals to All,
        And to All, a good test."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 12:31:13 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Two College Jokes

Between her sophomore and junior years at college, my daughter Laurie
waited tables at a rather seedy steakhouse.  One evening she waited on a
well-dressed young couple.  In a rather condescending tone, the man
asked her, "Have you ever thought of going to college?"

"Actually, I DO go to college," Laurie replied.

"Well, I went to Harvard," he said, surveying the restaurant, "and I'd
NEVER work in a place like this."

"I go to Vassar," Laurie retorted, "and I'd never EAT in a place like this.

-Nancy Kuusela
		=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
INTRODUCTION TO WINES

A popular class among Cornell University seniors is "Introduction to
Wines," a course in which students learn correct pairings of wine and
food.  After sampling some German wines, the professor pointed to a male
enrollee and asked, "What do you think would go well with this
Riesling?"

He paused, then replied, "A date."

-Theresa L. Hitselberger

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 14:07:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Things not to say to a Policeman

>From a police detachment bulletin board, contributed to the
Canadian Firearms Digest by a police officer;

Things Not to say to a Police Officer:
--------------------------------------

1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2) Sorry officer I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in

3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4) Hey you must have been doing 125 MPH to keep up with me... good job!

5) I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a Police Officer

6) I was going to be a cop... but I decided to finish High School instead

7) Bad cop! No Donut!

8) Do you have a borrow for a quarter fo da phone?

9) You're not gonna check the trunk are you?

10) Gee , that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence

11) Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

12) Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends
    nightstand

13) Hey I pay your salary

14) Gee officer that's terrific... the other Officer only gave me a
    warning too!

15) My license says "tear down dotted line"

16) Do YOU know why you pulled me over? Okay so long as one of us does

17) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other
    car around... that's how  far ahead of me they are.

18) What do you mean have I been drinking YOU'RE the trained Specialist

19) Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell
    off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal,
    forcing me to speed out of control.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 17:53:08 -0500
From:    C and R <carbro@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: Barbie's letter to Santa <adult...off to women Libbers>

I found this on Alt.tasteless.humor

Dear Santa

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, at
being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY
PAYBACK TIME!  There had better be some changes around here this
Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me,
you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
    sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller
    are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it
    feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white.
    What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
    underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3.  A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over
    that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken.  And what's with that
    earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least
    make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
    away once he is anatomically correct.

5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to
    twist, just >get it done.

6.  A jog bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.
    How about a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising
    account exec!

8.  A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
    miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
    a bag of chips;"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun,
    outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking
    Barbie", sporting a removable Nicoderm patch and equipped with
    several packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking my
    vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options.  It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.

OK, Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line.  If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas.  It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie


http://www.bit-net.com/~carbro

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 15:54:32 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: programming

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 16:41:29 PST
From:    david jeffries <david_jeffries@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Re: Xmas Poem Question <innoffensive>

TWEEZE DENIED BEEF WORKER ISTHMUS

Tweeze denied beef worker isthmus, winnow Trudy how's,
Snot agreed juries during, gnaw Tiffany moss.
This talking swear unbided Gemini wit cairn
Hint opus scenic (alas!) sinewy dare.
Unjelled runner nozzle tools smuggling deer butts
Well fissions unshoe kerplunks thence endear huts.
Anemometer cur chiffon dyeing mayhap,
Adjust subtle warp reins fairy loin winger snap.
Winnow taunted launderer roast sachet glitter
Ice brine bromide bet deucey woodwinds schemata.
Await Tudor widower blue lacking flesh,
Door roping tier shatters untrue hump these ash.
Demonian depressed often knew felines know
Gaffe cholesterol metier due abjects elope.
Wane wood tummy wandering ice shittah pear,
Vital men etchers lay mandate tidy Rainier.
Whittle it whole dolt river salival equipt,
Sinewy mom aunt isthmus bee-stain nicked.
Mere rabbit-torn evils whose gorses became
Any weaseled end shuttered, uncool tomboy maim.
"Node azure! No Dunce era! No France urine fixing!
Uncommit! And cubit! Andante ran vexing!
Toady tipoff deport chew detypify well!
Gnaw dish aweigh, dish aweigh, dish aweigh awl!"
Asked relieves dot beef forty whiled hurry queen fry,
Wind emit wooden apse stickle, mountie-desk eye,
Sew-up two-deep how stop duck horsers dubloon,
Witty slave fallow toils, ascend nickel loss due.
Ant tending at weakling - why hurt honor roof?
A brain sinning Boeing effete shiney huff.
Aside ruin mayhap untwist darning neuron
Bounding gym knee-scent knick (alas!) game winning pound.
Iwis tressed woolen furze promise etuis food,
Anus closed whorled varnished wood asses in suits.
Abound olived oils (egad!) flunk honor speck,
Any luck lockup addler chest (hope?) nimbus peck.
Assai Saudi twin calloused temples amore!
Exchequer lachryosis, whizz snows locket jury.
Estrual litter mouse wash thrown applique beau,
Amdahl biered honest Genesis weight hostess know.
Distempered ape pie pea yelled tiding is steed,
Undies mocha answer cul de sac lackey reed.
Egad! Abroad fastener litter hound bully
Achoo! quaintly left, lacking bull feeling jolly.
Iwis champion blimp -- arrayed chilly wool delve,
Any left whinney sow hymn, enspied off Moselle.
An oink office sigh unto whist office hood
Swoon gamey tonneau ahead knitting two tread.
Ease poke naught award, Beduoin strayed duets orc,
Infield eldest tuggings; interned witty chert,
End lioness fanger a sight office gnus,
Ant gibbon unknot, upon chimpanzee rows.
Hasp Rangoon is lay, due esteem guava wistful,
Ending weight day elf loo, lacking town ova tassle;
Buddy herding explain air hedge rowboat design,
"Hopping rich musty woolen due awl incondite!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Dec 1997 to 13 Dec 1997
************************************************
