HUMOR Digest - 11 Dec 1997 to 12 Dec 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 478 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Too Old To Squat
  2. Skid Talk
  3. Male Chauvinist Pig Wannabe <adult>
  4. perfection
  5. A bit of religious humor (not offensive)
  6. Sign in my office
  7. The World's 25 Shortest Books
  8. Misspelling gainfully - An old story <not off.>
  9. 'Twas poem (Ian's)
 10. Artistic Skills (Offensive to just about everyone)
 11. HUMOR - American Business
 12. Tweeze denied...
 13. Xmas Poem Question <innoffensive>
 14. At The Deaf Society <adult>

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Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 00:03:10 -0800
From:    Jack Falk <jackfalk@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Too Old To Squat

Once upon a time there was a little  old man who really took care
of his body. He lifted weights and  jogged six miles every day.
One morning he looked into the mirror  and was admiring his body,
when he noticed that he was suntanned  over his entire body with
the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it.
He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed and buried
himself in the sand, except for his penis. Just then, two old
ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane.
Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand,she began to move
it with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady.
"there ain't no justice in this world." The other little old lady
asked "What do you mean by that?" "Well," she said, "when I was
20 I was curious about it," "when I was 30 I enjoyed it. When I
was 40 I asked for it." "When I was 50 I paid for it." "When I
was 60 I prayed for it." "When I was 70 I forgot about it." "And
now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old
too squat."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 03:58:28 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Skid Talk

Not sure how many of y'all ever heard of "Skid Talk".  It's more
than a slip of the tongue, it's a slip of the whole mind.  Skid
Talk is where the speaker puts one idea on top of another -- kind
of a double exposure.  A friend of mine, Bunny, is a master.

Be careful though, Skid Talk acts like a time bomb in your mind.
It ticks away until your mind explodes, when you realize what
you heard doesn't ring quite true.


* "It was so dark, you couldn't see your face in front of you."

* "It was a great movie, don't miss it if you can."

* "From time immoral, men have pondered that question."

* "For your information, let me ask you a question."

* "And there I was, left holding the jackpot."

* "I went to a wonderful party.  Everyone in the room was there."

* "Come see us soon, we miss you almost as much as if you were here."

* "I never liked you, and I always will."

* "Too many cooks in the soup."

* "Two can live as cheap as one, but it costs them twice as much."

* "I just want some hot water juice and a lemon."

* "It certainly gets late early this time of year."

* "Isn't it pretty ?  The lake comes right up to the shore."

* "Shhh, not so much noise.  This isn't the only house we're in."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 11:30:30 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Male Chauvinist Pig Wannabe <adult>

Top ten answers I always wanted to give to women but never have (and
had to keep on dealing with an acute sense of repression of my true
nature).

10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
 9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all the pizzas and
    chocolate  you eat that make you actually fat.
 8. Of course I'll call you. When I need to have sex again..
 7. No, I wont be gentle.
 6. Of course you have to swallow.
 5. Well yes, actually, I do this all the time. (After breaking wind)
 4. No, I don't like stupid friends.
 3  No, you will never see me again after tonight.
 2. No, I don't care about your feelings.
 1. Foreplay? I don't even know how to spell the word.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 08:20:49 -0500
From:    "Dexter E. Gulledge" <gulledge@MAIL.PTDPROLOG.NET>
Subject: perfection

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman.  After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was,
of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect
couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone
at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped
to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.  Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys.  Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an
accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

 The perfect woman.

 She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
 Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
 thing as a perfect man..

 ===================================
 *  A Male's Response  *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must
have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 09:07:25 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: A bit of religious humor (not offensive)

This appeared today on the RELHUMOR-LIST on the List Server
at the University of Buffalo.


I took a friend of mine who is visually impaired to church with me this
morning. Several of the children in the congregation were fascinated with
her Braille Bible. One of the adults came over to see what the kids were
so excited about, and Ellen told the woman, "Oh, well, I was telling them
how bumpy the road to salvation is."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 10:05:28 EST
From:    "Heather D. Rielly" <Heather.D.Rielly@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Sign in my office

Sign just seen in my office:

DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL RESTRAINTS
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
WILL BE TURNED OFF UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 11:35:31 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The World's 25 Shortest Books

 25.  "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
 24.  "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
 23.  "The Book of Virtues" by Dean Rains
 22.  The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
 21.  Human Rights Advances in China
 20.  "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
 19.  Al Gore: The Wild Years
 18.  Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
 17.  America's Most Popular Lawyers
 16.  Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
 15.  Detroit - A Travel Guide
 14.  Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
 13.  Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
 12.  Easy UNIX
 11.  Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
 10.  Everything Men Know About Women
  9.  Everything Women Know About Men
  8.  French Hospitality
  7.  George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
  6.  "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
  5.  Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
  4.  One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
  3.  Staple Your Way to Success
  2.  The Amish Phone Directory
  1.  The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 13:00:56 -0500
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Misspelling gainfully - An old story <not off.>

This is part of a longer diatribe on the India Discussion Digest:

Here is an old story on spelling.
On a hot summer day...
Customer:  Excuse me, but the sign on the window is spelt wrong.  It
should say "Fresh ice-cream sold here", and not "Freesh ice-cream sold
bere".
Shopkeeper:  Yes sir, you are absolutely correct.  We have four
different flavors (flavours) available, vanilla, peach, strawberry and
chocolate.
Customer:  I'll take a double scoop of vanilla please.  My it's so hot
outside.
Shopkeeper:  Here you are, please come again.

Shopkeeper (afterwards, to his son sitting nearby):  That's the
twentieth customer today, who came in just to point out the spelling
mistake, and bought some ice-cream.  You see son, sometimes a deliberate
spelling mistake can draw a lot of attention and increase sales!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 15:13:30 -0600
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: 'Twas poem (Ian's)

Ian:  Tweeze denied beefworker isthmus Winnow trudy hows.

Anne:  No decree sure was touring, Noddy Vanna mouse.

Add yours!


http://www.net4tv.com/net4tv/u2u/spotlite.htm

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 16:13:06 -0700
From:    Scotty <colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Artistic Skills (Offensive to just about everyone)

Try this. Don't cheat...it's interesting!

 On a blank piece of paper draw a pig. Then and read the interpretation
 of your pig!!
 Draw your pig first!  And don't look at the next part until you are
 done!  It won't be fun if you look first.
 Just do it.  Go get a piece of paper and draw a pig.

 *******************************************************
  The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the
person who drew it.

			 If the pig is drawn:

  Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.
  Toward the middle, you are a realist.
  Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency
  to behave negatively.

  Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates
  (birthdays, etc.)

  Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong
  sense of family, nor do you remember dates.
  Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's
  advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.

  With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.
  With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for
  details and are a risk-taker.

  With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through
  a period of major change.
  With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.

  The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger
  the better.

  The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life!!
  (And again, more is better!)


http://members.tripod.com/~scollier

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 17:41:18 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - American Business

The retailer had ordered a large quantity of merchandise from his
distributor. He received a telegram which read, "Cannot ship until
you pay your last consignment." Immediately, he send a return message
which read, "Unable to wait that long. Cancel order."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 19:52:26 -0600
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: Tweeze denied...

Jim Winsky sent me a line for the poem.

Ian:  Tweeze denied beefeater ishthmus Winnow trudy hows

Anne:  No decree sure was touring Naughty Vanna Mouse.

Jim:  These talking swore Hun bite each hymn knee whisk hair.

Next?:


http://www.net4tv.com/net4tv/u2u/spotlite.htm

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 22:36:28 -0500
From:    Jeff Vinocur <chip76@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Re: Xmas Poem Question <innoffensive>

	[Personal Message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Dec 1997 10:52:19 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: At The Deaf Society <adult>

An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give
speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an
impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his
colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his
groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him
what he was doing.

"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts
and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls
and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started :Ladies and
Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself
I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his
speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his
head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing
my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer
Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself
I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started
his speech by making an antler symbol above his head,
rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating
furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest
and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my
speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me
great pleasure......."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Dec 1997 to 12 Dec 1997
************************************************
