HUMOR Digest - 10 Dec 1997 to 11 Dec 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 465 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore Wedded Bliss <some innuendo humor>
  2. Signs <clean>
  3. Xmas Poem Question <innoffensive>
  4. Humor - Stupid Criminal Story
  5. Rejection Lines (might be off. to men/women)
  6. The Chauvinist Manifesto <Off to women, adult language>
  7. Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On Th
  8. Three little black kids <racial,sexual...may offend black people>
  9. "HO-HO-HO"
 10. Such Gall
 11. Women..<clean>

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Date:    Wed, 10 Dec 1997 03:52:32 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore Wedded Bliss <some innuendo humor>

*   When I married Mrs JimJr, naturally there were both friends
  and family at the wedding.  At the reception, some buddies
  gathered around and expressed amazement that I had finally
  decided to "settle down".
    One asked if I weren't afraid that she'd find out someday
  how wild a life I had actually led.  And I assured him that
  I had confessed 'everything' to her.
    "What honesty !" said one guy
    "What courage !" said another.
    "What a memory !!!" said yet another.
                                - - - - -

*   The newlyweds were honeymooning at the seashore.  As they
  walked arm-in-arm along the beach, the young groom looked
  poetically out to sea and the dark blue sky. "Roll on, thou
  deep and dark ocean, roll on."
    His bride gazed at the waves for a moment, then in hushed
  tones gasped, "Oh Freddie, you wonderful man, it's doing it."
                                - - - - -

*   Three old maids lived together and each owned a cat which
  was kept in the house for fear it would go "tom-catting".
    Much to their surprise, one of the women got married, and
  while still on her honeymoon sent an e-mail to the other two:
  "You can keep your cats in the house if y'all want, but
  please let mine out."
                                - - - - -

*   The Naval Aviator returned to his station and announced, "I
  just got my girl to say 'yes'." to the other pilots.
    After a chorus of congratulations, the Chaplain said, "When's
  the wedding ?"
    The pilot, with a puzzled look on his face said, "Wedding ?
  What wedding ???"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Dec 1997 12:20:22 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Signs <clean>

These signs are not real, but somewhat funny nonetheless.

Sign in a non-smoking area:
     "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire
     and take appropriate action."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward:
     "Push Push Push."

Sign on used car lot:
     "Second hand cars in first crash condition."

Sign on fence:
     "Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is expensive."

Sign at a hotel.
     "Help!  We need inn-experienced people."

Sign in a science teacher's room:
     "If it moves, it's biology.
      If it stinks, it's chemistry.
      If it doesn't work, it's physics."

Sign in an office:
     "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

Sign in a veterinary's waiting room:
     "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!"

Sign in beauty shop window:
     "Dye now!"

Sign at a computer store:
     "Out for a quick byte."

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home:
     "Drive carefully.  We'll wait."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Dec 1997 07:42:50 -0500
From:    Ian Mac Innes <imacinne@GWI.NET>
Subject: Xmas Poem Question <innoffensive>

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Dec 1997 10:12:33 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Stupid Criminal Story

              Bank robber drives himself to be caught.

 DALLAS -- It wasn't hard for police and FBI agents to track down the man
who robbed the drive-through window of a Dallas bank last Tuesday. It was a
simple matter for bank employees to write down his license number because
he drove his own pickup.

 "It makes it a little easier when they use their own vehicle, doesn't it?"
said FBI spokeswoman Marjorie Poche.

 Officers tracked down and arrested Jacob Matthew Brown, 20, only hours
after he placed a used fast-food sack and a pink stick-on note in the
commercial lane money tray.

 "Look I have a big boom," the note read. "Give me money now or suffer .
disaster."

 A teller gave him an undisclosed amount of money and wrote down the
license tag number as he drove away.


Source:Houston Chronicle

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Dec 1997 12:59:56 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Rejection Lines (might be off. to men/women)

  TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)

  10. I think of you as a brother..
      (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in"Deliverance.")

  9.  There's a slight difference in our ages..
      (I don't want to do my dad)

  8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way..
      (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

  7.  My life is too complicated right now..
      (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
      calls  from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

  6.  I've got a boyfriend ..
      (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)..

  5.  I don't date men where I work..
      (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much
       less the same building.)

  4.  It's not you, it's me..
      (It's you.)

  3.  I'm concentrating on my career..
      (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
       dating you.)

  2.  I'm celibate..
      (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

            and the number 1 rejection line given by women
                     (and what it really means)

  1.  Let's be friends..
      (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
       about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male
       perspective thing.)


       Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

  10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

  9.  There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

  8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

  7.  My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

  6.  I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

  5.  I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

  4.  It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

  3.  I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

  2.  I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

          and the number 1 rejection line given by men
                   (and what it actually means)

  1.  Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Dec 1997 13:17:16 -0600
From:    "Gregory R. Maes" <maesg1@VITEK.COM>
Subject: The Chauvinist Manifesto <Off to women, adult language>

  Why did God give men penises?
         So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

  What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
         You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

  What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
         A woman that won't do what she's told.

  What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
         Marriage.

  What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
         It's Braille for "suck here."

  What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25
  year old doesn't?
         Her navel.

  Why do women close their eyes during sex?
         They can't stand seeing a man having a good time.

  What's the definition of a male chauvinistic pig?
         A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

  If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have
  you done wrong?
          Made her chain too long.

  How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
         None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

  Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
         When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take
         your house and car with them.

  What's the difference between your wife and your job?
         After 5 years your job will still suck.

  Why did God create lesbians?
         So feminists couldn't breed.

  What's the best thing about a blow job?
         The ten minutes of silence.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Dec 1997 14:13:38 -0500
From:    Wiley  Cox <wcox@OPENDEV.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On Th

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks


10.  Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."

9.  She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.

8.  She rushes  to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it
    down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."

7.  Your picture on her wall has darts in it.

6.  She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete
    Assholes."

5.  She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.

4.  When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."

3.  She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.

2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks...

1.  Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.


http://www.csua.berkeley.edu/~tchua

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Dec 1997 20:23:45 -0500
From:    C and R <carbro@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: Three little black kids <racial,sexual...may offend black people>

There were three little black kids sitting in the hood trying to
out-bullshit each other...the first one says "if I had my best wish in the
whole world, I Be made out of silver...and I'd break off a little chunk,
and buy that cadillac over there". The second little kids says "aww, that's
nuffin...if I had my best wish in the whole world, I be made out of
gold...and I'd break off a little chuck, and I'd buy that BMW over
there"....The third little kids says, "I got you both beat...If I had my
best wish in the whole world, I Be Hairy"!....the other two give him a
strange look....and he says "Yeah, Hairy....My sister just got a little
patch the size of my hand in between her legs, and she owns both of those
cars"! :->

http://www.bit-net.com/~carbro

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Dec 1997 19:40:57 -0600
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: "HO-HO-HO"

At Christmas time, you hear to "Be of good cheer" and "Get in the
Christmas spirit."  Santa sure knows how to be of good cheer --
"Christmas Spirits" is his brand of whiskey!


http://www.net4tv.com/net4tv/u2u/spotlite.htm

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Dec 1997 21:39:02 EST
From:    GKat86573 <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Such Gall

     Abie approached his boss very timidly, "Mr Shlepper, can I have tomorrow
off.  It's my golden anniversary."
     "By God!" snarled Shlepper, "will I have to put up with this chutzpah
every fifty years?"
			-----------------------------

     The ailing skinflint needed the aid of a specialist, but the fees
appalled him.  It was $25 for the first visit, and $10 for subsequent visits.
Still, it was a matter of life and death, and besides, he had an idea.
     As he entered the doctor's office, the miser said cordially,  "Well,
Doctor, here I am -- again!"
     But the doctor had met this type before.  He made a great show of
examining the patient with minute thoroughness, and then said "Just continue
with the same treatment as before!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Dec 1997 10:44:08 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Women..<clean>

  Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
  Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never
  be able to support you.
  ___________________________________________________________________

  Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95%
  quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
  ___________________________________________________________________

  Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.
  ___________________________________________________________________

  Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
  So they can stand closer to the sink
  ___________________________________________________________________

  How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
  When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
  ___________________________________________________________________

  How do you fix a woman's watch?
  You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
  ___________________________________________________________________

  I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
  "I wanna know your name..."
  ___________________________________________________________________

  Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your
  going to want to shoot it.
  ___________________________________________________________________

  If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
  at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of
  course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
  ___________________________________________________________________

  One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf
  clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
  ___________________________________________________________________

  What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
  1.No mind.
  2.No business.
  ___________________________________________________________________

  The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
  and I said, "Dust!"
  ___________________________________________________________________

  Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites attract.
  ___________________________________________________________________

  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex
  drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Dec 1997 to 11 Dec 1997
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