HUMOR Digest - 9 Dec 1997 to 10 Dec 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 554 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Lawyer joke (off. to lawyers, but who cares?)
  2. Joke-Clean : Surd-Times:Detective Wanted!
  3. The Military
  4. English as spoken by moi <clean>
  5. You can't win it all!! (Adult)
  6. Humor:Offensive,Arabs/Jews..possibly
  7. Humor -"Whistling Dixie" Condom (Adult)
  8. Twas the Night Before Christmas...  <adult, language>
  9. When does life begin
 10. Shorties
 11. An Addendum to the beginning of life
 12. Rules for Dogs
 13. Lordie, I'm Coming <Adult,sexual..possible offensive to some people>

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Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 16:42:47 -0000
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: Lawyer joke (off. to lawyers, but who cares?)

Q:      How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:      Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a
        timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow-
        ing agreement:

        Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer",
        and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light
        Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein
        the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from
        the current position as a result of failure to perform
        previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation,
        and otherwise illumina- tion of the area ranging from the front
        (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just
        inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
        the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of
        the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
        the aforementioned agreement be- tween the parties.

        The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
        limited to, the following steps:

        1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
        elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder
        or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second
        part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light
        Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being
        non- negotiable.  Said grasping and rotation of the party of the
        second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the
        first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of
        the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of
        the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the
        afore- mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light
        Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon
        duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties
        stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second
        part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned
        failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part
        (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure
        insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the
        non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is
        observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

        2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
        ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
        the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
        Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
        and federal statutes.

        3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
        of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
        installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb").
        This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
        reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-
        same document, being careful to note that the rotation should
        occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-
        negotiable.

        NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
        of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the
        first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all
        persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to
        produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the
        aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization
        of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also
        known as "The Firm".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 14:15:42 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Joke-Clean : Surd-Times:Detective Wanted!

Three men were applying  for the same job as a detective. One was
a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to
ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that
answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief  asked
him,   "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without
hesitation, "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he
left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the
same question.

He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief
thanked the man who then left.

Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the
same question.

He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some
time to think about it?"

The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."

When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How did the
interview  go?".

Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already
investigating a murder!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 04:23:32 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Military

*   Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were
  planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit.  Being
  an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from
  some of the surrounding colleges to attend.
    The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that
  arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most
  trustworthy students.
    The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible
  to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A Marine was in a dugout at the boundary fence in Guantanamo.
  He picked up the field phone and said "Gray Fox, this is Rabbit."
    [no answer]
    "Come in Gray Fox, this is Rabbit."
    [again, nothing but silence]
    Finally he stuck his head out of the dugout and yelled, "Hey
  Joe -- answer your damn phone !"
                                - - - - -

*   A Navy Chaplain found himself seated next to a slightly drunken
  sailor on the bus back to the Naval Station. The sailor slurred,
  "I'm not going to Heaven, because there ain't no Heaven."
    The Chaplain didn't reply.
    "I said," repeated the sailor, "I'm NOT going to Heaven 'cause
  there ain't no Heaven."
    "Very well mister." replied the Chaplain.  "Go to Hell then, but
  be quick about it !"
                                - - - - -

*   The Naval Aviator had just returned to London after some leave
  in the States and hailed a cab.  After a while, he leaned out the
  window and shouted to the driver, "What the hell are you doing ?
  I asked you to take me to Leicester Square and this is the third
  time we've passed St. Paul's Cathedral."
    "Sorry Governor." replied the driver.  "I thought you was an
  American."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 11:41:20 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: English as spoken by moi <clean>

Jim's posting on English as spoken by foreigners reminded me about my
own pronunciation. My wife, whose mother tongue is English, whilst
diplomatically stating that I have an endearing accent, has her
favourite collection of my allegedly mispronounced words. Here are
some examples:

Excerpts from the "mouse" collection:
(MOUSE: n. The opening used for taking food and issuing vocal sounds)

* I wish I had kept by big mouse shut.
* The first question that came out of my mouse...
* You have a beautiful mouse. (Moi to Mrs. Mariotti)

Excerpts from the "sheep" collection:
(SHEEP: n. A vessel propelled by engines or sails).

* I feel like a sheep passing in the night.
* Why don't we go on a cruise? It would be fun to spend a week in a
sheep.
* The French have state-of-the-art warsheeps.

Excerpts from the "fink" collection:
(FINK: vb. To consider, ponder, believe, cogitate)

* I fink, therefore I am.
* Old on, I'm finking.
* OK, I'll fink on it.

(Disclaimer: I do not speek Ingleesh like dat. Onest)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 11:37:54 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: You can't win it all!! (Adult)

When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side
and all the females opposite the men.

Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"

Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they all wanted to pee standing up.

"Fine", says God, "Women get multiple orgasms".


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 08:55:41 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Offensive,Arabs/Jews..possibly

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One
sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the
aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled
his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat
said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably
knew that.)

"No problem," said the Jew.  "I'll get it for you."  While he
was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spat in it.  The
Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That looks
good. I Think I'll have one too." Again, the Jew obligingly goes
to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other
shoe and spits in it.

The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy
the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his
feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples... this hatred... this spitting in shoes and peeing in
cokes?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 10:38:21 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor -"Whistling Dixie" Condom (Adult)

       (This is a follow-up to an item I posted several weeks ago)
         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Ann Lander's Collumn:

         Attorney gives credence to`Dixie'-whistling condom

 DEAR Ann Landers: I've been reading your column for many years, and every
now and then, I detect a letter I believe you "invented" to add a little
excitement. The one about the condom that whistles Dixie strained
credibility. Funny, yes, but it certainly was too far out to be genuine.
You invented that one, didn't you? How about 'fessing up? -- Toledo Reader

 Dear Toledo: There is no way I could make up letters that compare with
what crosses my desk every day. I wouldn't even try. Keep reading for one
that should clear the air regarding Dixie.

 Dear Ann Landers: I read your column about the tune-playing condom in the
San Francisco Examiner & Chronicle. I am the attorney who obtained the
patent for my client, Paul Lyons, who invented it.

 I have one minor correction. You stated that the patent was "recently
issued." Actually, the patent was issued in 1992. Sincerely yours -- David
Pressman, intellectual property law, San Francisco, Calif.

 Dear David Pressman: I stand corrected. Thank you for taking the time and
trouble to write. I have received dozens of suggestions for tunes that
would be "appropriate," but none were suitable for a family newspaper.


Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advice collumnist.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 11:53:31 -0500
From:    Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Twas the Night Before Christmas...  <adult, language>

* This appeared here last year. Sorry I don't know the original poster.

Twas the night before Christmas

   'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
   The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
   The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
   It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
   Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
   We had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
   When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
   That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
   Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
   Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
   The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
   Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
   When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
   But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
   With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
   A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
   Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
   And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
   "Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
    Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
    Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
    Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee."
   They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
   Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
   And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
   As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
   I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
   When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
   His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
   He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
   "That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
   "The reindeer are pooped, so I'll stay for a while."
   He walked to the kitchen and poured himself a drink,
   Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
   I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
   The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
   Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
   But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
   The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
   The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
   A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
   And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
   A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
   And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
   A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
   And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
   "This stuff ain't for kids; Mrs. Santa will shit,
    So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
   He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
   With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
   He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
   Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
   In time he was seated, and took reigns of his hitch,
   Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf... this night's been a bitch!"
   The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
   "The best thing about pussy is that you can't wear it out!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 11:29:31 PDT
From:    Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: When does life begin

From the Jewish Humor List:

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were
discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is
when God instills the spark of life
into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because
that is when the baby becomes an
individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn
about sin."

"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the
children have graduated from
college and moved out of the house..."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 15:04:24 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Shorties

I am now broke. During my lifetime I spent most of my money on women
and booze. The rest of it, I wasted.

Somewhere on the other side exists a land where all my missing socks
go, apparently just to escape the funkiness of my feet.

I don't think today's kids have earned the right to wear
bell-bottoms. Ask the bums for a quarter before they ask you.

A department store advertised in the paper it's having a Baby Sale.
Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the way we make 'em at
home.

I'm officially old! I found myself clipping articles from the paper
and sending them to my children.

If practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, why practice?

I am almost 70, but I am still figuring things out. For example, I
just discovered that if you pour the Coke in the glass first, and
then add the ice, you lose a whole lot less fizz.

Can someone be a lame duck and a scapegoat at the same time?

I decided to go on a campaign to round up all the false yellow
pages.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 14:12:05 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: An Addendum to the beginning of life

 A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were
 discussing when life begins.

 "Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is
 when God instills the spark of life
 into the fetus."

 "We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because
 that is when the baby becomes an
 individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn
 about sin."

 "You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when [the
 dog dies and] the children have graduated from college and moved out
 of the house..."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 17:33:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Rules for Dogs

From: Janine A Lovekamp

Basic Rules For Dogs Who Have A Yard To Protect

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge
across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If
the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and
growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a
lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their
house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in
their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark,
bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately
before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to
fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and
upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so
they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of
each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough
holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this
problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the
family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your
duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially
when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the
floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as
much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your
master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all
your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use
the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch
them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.


---
DEVICE=CATNIP.SYS <- Driver for Cats who compute..

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Dec 1997 22:13:34 -0500
From:    C and R <carbro@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: Lordie, I'm Coming <Adult,sexual..possible offensive to some people>

A group of sunday school kids were in Class one sunday...and the subject
came up about what part of your body goes to heaven first. One little boy
said "your hands...because when you pray, your hands are pointing up to
heaven". A Little girl chimed in with your heart, because god is always in
your heart. A third child (a boy) stands up and says "your feet go to
heaven first, because when I peeked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the
other night, mommy's feet were in the air and she kept saying 'Lordie I'm
Cumming'" :->

http://www.bit-net.com/~carbro

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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Dec 1997 to 10 Dec 1997
***********************************************
