HUMOR Digest - 8 Dec 1997 to 9 Dec 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 501 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Weddings
  2. Humor:2,Inoffensive, suggestive
  3. Humor- Compassion For Little Guy
  4. Inner City X-mas Carols
  5. Dave Barry on Installing software (not offensive)
  6. classic (but cheesey) cross-the-road joke
  7. Kinky Sex <GROSS....will offend almost anyone>
  8. Bumper Stickers <mostly inoff>
  9. Humor contribution
 10. Beer Jokes
 11. HUMOR: Clean but frustrated!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Dec 1997 03:48:37 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Weddings

*    Two old friends were discussing the one's pending marriage.
   "At 67 Frank, I really can't see you marrying a 24 year old.
   I know all about May-December romances, and I understand that
   December will find the freshness and beauty of springtime in
   May.  But what is May gonna find in December ?
     His buddy smiled and simply said, "Christmas".
                                - - - - -

*   Long before there were "Hippies" there were a somewhat like
  group of people called "Beatniks", who had a language and a
  culture all their own.  At a wedding ceremony the preacher
  would ask the couple, "Do you dig this bit ?"
    If they nodded, he would proceed with the ceremony and ask
  the Bride, "Chick, do you dig this cat ?"  She was expected to
  respond, "Crazy Man !"
    Then he would turn and ask the Groom, "Cat, do you love this
  fluff ?"  And he would respond, "Mostest !"
    The Minister would then join their hands together and say,
  "Make it, kids."  Then turn to the organist and say "Beat me
  Mamma, eight to the bar." as her cue to play the recessional.
                                - - - - -

*   Bill Gate's wedding and honeymoon really must've been something.
  I heard they checked into a swank hotel in the Islands with skis
  and full Arctic regalia.  The worried clerk said, "I'm sorry Mr.
  Gates, but there's no snow here."
    Bill replied, "I know.  It's coming on the next cargo plane
  with the rest of our luggage."
                                - - - - -

*   A couple had been dating for over a year.  One night they opted
  for dinner at a Chinese restaurant.  The man asked his date, "How
  would you like your rice ?"
    She sighed, and replied, "Thrown !"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Dec 1997 09:35:47 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:2,Inoffensive, suggestive

The Pope & Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to
leave Rome.  Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish
community.  So the Pope made a deal.  He would have a religious
debate with a member of the Jewish community.  If the Jew won, the
Jews could stay.  If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.  The Jews
realized that they had no choice.  They looked around for a champion
who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer.  It was
too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent
his life sweeping up after people to represent them.  Being old and
poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed.

He asked only for one addition to the debate.  Not being used to saying very
much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be
allowed to talk.  The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came.  Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each
other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.  The Pope waved
his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where
he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out
an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up.  This man is too good.
The Jews can stay.'

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what
happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there
was still one God common to both our religions.  Then I waved my finger
around me to show him, that God was all around us.  He responded by
pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from
our sins.  He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had
an answer for everything.  What could I do?'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that
this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had
insisted was impossible!  'What happened?' they asked.

'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to
get out of here.  I told him that not one of us was leaving.  Then he told
me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews.  I let him know that we
were staying right here.'

'And then?' asked a woman.

'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'

			------------------------------
Thermodynamics Exam. . .

A true story: A thermodynamics professor had written a
take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell
exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of
the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some
mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at
what rate are souls moving into hell, and at what rate are souls
leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it
will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates
as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell.
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell
to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant.

#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell
will increase until all hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than
the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan
during freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have
not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be
true, and hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Dec 1997 09:26:15 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor- Compassion For Little Guy

 Former President Bush is having fun as Citizen Bush, impersonating Dana
Carvey impersonating George Bush. Answering questions at the New Jersey
Summit on Volunteerism on Friday, Bush confessed misgivings about his
treatment at the hands of the White House press corps. "I don't miss the
national press. And I can say that now, because I have a spirit of
liberation about me. I could tell you what I really think of them, but like
Dana Carvey said:`Not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent,' " said Bush,
slipping into Carvey's halting, nasal-voiced imitation of Bush. The former
president said the comedian, who lampooned him regularly on Saturday Night
Live, must be having trouble these days with no market for his presidential
impersonation. "They may not miss me in Washington, but I know that little
guy misses me," Bush said.

Source: Houston Chronicle

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Dec 1997 10:42:24 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Inner City X-mas Carols

Source Unknown

InnerCity Christmas Carols

(To the tune of Deck The Halls)

See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La

(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)

Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.

(Then there's my favorite rendition of an old holiday classic...)

'Twas The night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
So I took their stereo.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Dec 1997 09:41:17 -0700
From:    Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: Dave Barry on Installing software (not offensive)

"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program"
 by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed
   box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
   software.  It should look something like this:

              SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
              2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
              628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
              719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
              3546 MB RAM
              432323 MB ROM
              05948737 MB RPM
              ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
              2 TURTLE DOVES
              NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
   contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
   3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
envelope that says:

                      LICENSING AGREEMENT:
   By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks
and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software
Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to
come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as
the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it,
until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early
light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great
crowd, and don't forget to  tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
   child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
   appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
   which the following message should appear on your screen:

     The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
     would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:

                            +---------+     +-----------+
                             |  YES   |      |  SURE  |
                            +---------+     +-----------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
   for a very long time while the installation program does who knows
   what's in there. Some installation programs can actually alter
   molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has
   been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food 
   processor.  At the very least, the installation program will create
   many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your
   hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with
   names like "puree.exe,"  "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
    display the following message:

                      CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your
software.

If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness
of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
    than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck
    with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on
    the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will
    explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a
    child aged 3 through 12.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Dec 1997 10:54:21 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: classic (but cheesey) cross-the-road joke

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Dec 1997 16:47:11 -0500
From:    C and R <carbro@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: Kinky Sex <GROSS....will offend almost anyone>

>From Drew Carey's "Dirty Jokes and Beer":

A man had an argument with his wife one night and went to a bar to cool
off. He met another woman there and they started talking. As it turns out,
they were both into pretty erotic sex....so they decided to get together at
her place for a whirl at it. When they got there, they both said that they
wanted it as kinky as they could get it...so the woman says "wait here,
I'll be right back"...she goes upstairs and puts on a leather Teddy,
Leather Boots up to her thighs, a leather hood, and gets her Whip.....when
she comes back downstairs to deliver her best the the man she met, he was
getting ready to leave....she ask "hey....where are you going"?....he says
"what...you wanted it kinky.....I fucked your dog, I shit in your
purse....I'm outta here" :->

http://www.bit-net.com/~carbro

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Dec 1997 16:23:06 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bumper Stickers <mostly inoff>


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever -so far, so good
I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress -Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap -Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria -they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Dec 1997 14:19:34 -0800
From:    Brian Gordon <briang@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Humor contribution

>From rec.humor.funny ...

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge
of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our
research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you
give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did our
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and
has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?"  The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving
her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had
no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give
any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Dec 1997 18:20:18 -0500
From:    "WALSH, PATRICIA A." <BCC026730@ACAD.SUNYBROOME.EDU>
Subject: Beer Jokes

 A large conference of professional brewers is held annually in
Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At the end of the day, the presidents of
the beer companies gather to have a drink in the bar.

The president of Anhauser Busch orders a Bud, the president of Carlsberg
orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on.

The president of Guinness is asked what he wants to drink.  To everyone's
amazement, he orders a Coke!

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah!  If you lads won't drink beer, neither will I."

			************************

Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol'
time. The  driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of
a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do
we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just
do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your
forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off
their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks
up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been
drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead,
"we're on the patch, trying to quit."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Dec 1997 18:48:37 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Clean but frustrated!

I have a 21 year old son who is a good young man with the exception that he
is 21 years old and is everything that goes with being a 21 year old male.
(I am 61 years old) Anyway, there are and have been days that I could have
pinched his head off and giggled and most of you who have sons can probably
relate to that emotion. This afternoon, after listening to him expound on
a matter about which he is certain that he has the ultimate answer, I
commented to my wife that I wished I knew half of what he knew. She
responded immediately saying, "No, what you wish is that he knew half of
what *you* know.!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Dec 1997 to 9 Dec 1997
**********************************************
