HUMOR Digest - 7 Dec 1997 to 8 Dec 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 380 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Subject: HumorList Traffic Report
  2. Stock Market Economics
  3. One more "Old Time Religion" (adult humor)
  4. <No subject given>
  5. Comedian on TV (sexual)
  6. Humor - Stupid Criminal Story
  7. Hard times
  8. STRESS <language>
  9. Animal Humor <some foul language...possibly offensive>
 10. An aplologize & How an angel got put on the top of the Xmas tree? (adult
     humor)
 11. Our SuperHeroes In Action <adult,off. to fans of Sup'man>

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Date:    Sun, 7 Dec 1997 04:11:11 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Subject: HumorList Traffic Report

   Hi, everyone!  This is Jim Moore Jr (the "other" Jim), with this
week's Traffic Report.  I took over the duties of traffic reporting
from Jim Goldman (jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM) on November 9th. Jim, who
did such a fine job for so long is taking some time off from the task.

   Those of you who read the list regularly know I've been posting on
here for just over a year now, and I shall try to fill Jim Goldman's
shoes.  I have been sending this to the contributors' list weekly,
and once a month, the report is sent to the entire list.

   You are invited to become a contributor if you're not already.  All
you do is send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE and
take the test at the end of it.  The rules are largely governed by
netiquette, and therefore protects the freedom of expression of our
contributors, as long as they don't become quarrelsome or unruly.

   One thing that concerns me about our HumorList is the steady decline
in readership over the past year.  I attribute it to the vast number of
humor mailings now available.  One fellow maintains a Web Page where he
lists over 200 choices.  I think our list is unique in that it is so
diversified globally, unlike most.  I have a suggestion for y'all.  If
you forward the list to others, why not ask them if they wouldn't rather
get it direct and have them sign up if they so choose.

   If you have any questions, please email me at jimjr@pipeline.com
Being new at this, I may have to obtain the answer to your question
myself, but please bear with me on that.  I'm here to prove that old
dogs can indeed learn new tricks.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

             Traffic Report for HUMOR, 30 November - 6 December

                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                   4 Weeks  3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Last
Date   Day           Back     Back     Back     Back     Week

 30  Sunday           7        8         5        8        6
  1  Monday           9        8        13       14       11
  2  Tuesday         10       11        14       11       11
  3  Wednesday       10       14        16       15       16
  4  Thursday         8       12         9        7       16
  5  Friday           7        6        16       12       11
  6  Saturday         3        7         6        6        4

   (Average)          8        9        11       10       11

Subscriptions      8,581    8,564    8,504    8,503    8,476
Countries            104      104      104      104      103
Contributors         713      738      745      746      738

        The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium
Belize, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada
Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus,
Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Federal
Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great
Britain, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India,
Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan,
Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania,
Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova,
Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland,
Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Quebec,
Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa,
Soviet Union, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan,
Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab
Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe

                             Total countries: 103
                 Email me if your country is not listed here.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

                        A few of the more widely used commands:

Send an e-mail to:  listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank;
in the BODY of the letter, type:

sub humor yourfirstname yourlastname            to subscribe

QUERY HUMOR                                     to check your settings

SIGNOFF HUMOR                                   to leave the list
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

And now for a contribution of humor:

  I think I may be onto what's with all Santa's "Ho...Ho...Ho" stuff.  See,
  y'all know about the lists he has showing who's naughty and who's nice.
  But, did y'all know he has a third list ?  Yep !  He knows which girls
  are good at being naughty.

                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@pipeline.com

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Dec 1997 01:56:45 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Stock Market Economics

It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and
fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this
phenomenon is in the following historical facts:

Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines
went down in the spring of 1994. Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971.
The advice to the investor then, is,
	"Don't sell until you see the heights of their thighs!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Dec 1997 07:45:03 -0500
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: One more "Old Time Religion" (adult humor)

How'd you miss this one, Jim?

 The evangelist was giving one of his fire and brimstone sermons
 against all the evils, sins, and temptations of the world,
 covering everything from murder to gambling. "There are those in
 this congregation," he thunders, "who have commited the
 unutterable sin of heing-and-sheing! Stand up and repent!" Three-
 quarters of the congregation stand up. "And there are those who
 have committed that double sin of sins, heing-and-heing. Stand up
 and repent!" The rest of the men stand up. "And I positively know
 that there are those that have committed that triplest of triple
 sins, sheing-and-sheing!" The rest of the women all rise, sobbing
 hysterically. No one is left sitting but one little boy, who
 timidly raises a hand: "Parson," he quavers, "How do you stand on
 meing-and-meing?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Dec 1997 08:13:24 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: <No subject given>

This came through on the RELHUMOR-LIST today.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,"Do you want fries with that?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Dec 1997 16:06:35 -0000
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Comedian on TV (sexual)

I had to laugh at this comedian. He says he has just come through his
divorce and no more marriage for him EVER again. If he ever has another
relationship, it will be gay cause at least after sex, you can lie there
and talk about football!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Dec 1997 12:05:39 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Stupid Criminal Story

      Robbery suspect arrested after trying to hide in prison lobby.

  SUFFIELD, Conn. (AP) - A robbery suspect was in custody today after a
 wrong turn landed him in a state prison lobby as he was fleeing police.

 Authorities say Vincent McKenzie, 32, of Bloomfield was being chased by
 police from Suffield and Windsor Locks when he abruptly pulled into the
 parking lot of MacDougall Correctional Institution, a high-security state
 prison in Suffield.

 McKenzie leaped from his car and ran into the front lobby, where he was
 trapped by doors that closed behind him and locked.

 ``I believe he thought it was a mall,'' said Suffield Patrolman Michael
 Lewandowski. ``But I've never seen too many malls with a razor wire
 across the top.''

 The chase began Thursday when an officer noticed that McKenzie's
 speeding car matched the description of one used earlier in the robbery of
 an Agawam, Mass. bakery.

 McKenzie was charged with being a fugitive from justice and numerous
 motor vehicle offenses.

Associated Press(C)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Dec 1997 14:46:12 EST
From:    GKat86573 <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Hard times

     A rabbi happened to be looking out of the synagogue's open door when he
saw a familiar face.  All at once it dawned on him where he had seen the man
before.  He rushed out and grabbed the passerby.
     "Swindler!  Thief!" the rabbi hollered.  "Only yesterday I saw you
begging in front of the Catholic church.  Today you're begging at the entrance
to a synagogue.  What are you, Catholic or Jew?"
      "A Jew, " the beggar gulped.  "But in these hard times, who can make a
living from only one religion?!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Dec 1997 17:40:33 -0500
From:    "WALSH, PATRICIA A." <BCC026730@ACAD.SUNYBROOME.EDU>
Subject: STRESS <language>

  How To Handle Stress

  Imagine this is being read by painter Bob "Happy Little Trees "Ross,
  Picture you are near a stream.
  Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
  Nothing can bother you here.  no one knows this secret place.
  You are in total seclusion from that place called "The World.
    The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the are with a
  cascade of serenity.  The water is clear.
    You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are
  holding under the water.
    Look.  It is the person who caused all this stress in the first place.
  What a pleasant surprise.  You let them up.... just for a quick
  breath..  then ploop!...  back under they go...
    You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
  There now...  feeling better?
			===--===--===--===--===--==

  STRESS: n.
  the condition caused by refusing your natural desire to beat the
 living shit out of some jerk that desperately deserves it. >>

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Dec 1997 20:25:06 -0500
From:    C and R <carbro@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: Animal Humor <some foul language...possibly offensive>

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes?
A: A "No Idear"

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs?
A: A "still no idear"

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes, legs, or balls?
A: "A still no fucking idear"


http://www.bit-net.com/~carbro

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Dec 1997 20:13:15 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: An aplologize & How an angel got put on the top of the Xmas tree?
         (adult humor)

It just happened to be one of those dreadful days for Santa...

It started of when he woke up groaning with a dreadful headache. But with
so many things to do before Christmas Eve a few days later, there was no
way that he could permit himself time to rest. They were already way behind
schedule with the production of toys, and would probably have to skip a few
countries this year. Climbing out of bed, he found his slippers shredded by
the dog.

Opening the cupboard, he couldn't find any clean working clothes. When he
brushed his teeth, the toothbrush broke. He went into the kitchen for
breakfast, only to find a note from his wife that she was tired of being
treated as his servant in the months running up to Christmas, and that he
must prepare his own breakfast!

By this time he had already become quite agitated. He stood up to make
himself some breakfast, and looked out of the window only to find all the
elve-workers striking for more money and less work. Sighing, he went out to
see what he could do. On his way to the strikers he passed the camp where
all the reindeer are kept, and to his dismay found that someone had left
the gate open and all the reindeer had escaped. Things were just not going
his way...

He was grumbling and muttering to himself as he made his way to the
strikers, when one of the young angels came up to him with a small pine
tree swung across his shoulder.

"Father Christmas, what do you want me to do with this tree?"

And now you know how the tradition started of putting an angel on the top
of a Christmas tree.


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Dec 1997 09:37:47 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Our SuperHeroes In Action <adult,off. to fans of Sup'man>

"Come on Spidey let's get a burger and a beer!"
Spidey: "No can't do, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter.
Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".
So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up.
Supe: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!"
Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed
today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".
Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when
he flies over a penthouse apartment.
And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman,
lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked!
Supe gets a brilliant idea:
"They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and
I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers".
So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone
can notice.
All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!".
Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt
like hell!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Dec 1997 to 8 Dec 1997
**********************************************
