HUMOR Digest - 6 Dec 1997 to 7 Dec 1997
There are 4 messages totalling 170 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Old Time Religion <adult humor>
  2. Humor - It's A Wacky World!
  3. Language stuff
  4. Hormones <Adult...Might be offensive>

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Date:    Sat, 6 Dec 1997 03:56:49 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Old Time Religion <adult humor>

*   The evangelist was giving one of his fire and brimstone
  sermons against all the evils, sins and temptations of the
  world, covering everything from murder to gambling.  One
  middle-aged woman sat in the pew swaying and rocking, and
  frequently punctuating the evangelist's words with a loud
  "Amen, Brother, Amen !"
    Spurred on by her encouragements, he began to exhort the
  evils of alcohol and drugs.  The lady even began humming
  in-between the chorus of her "Amen's".
    "And now," shouted the sweating evangelist, "I come to
  the worse sin of all.  Those of you who have fallen into
  the temptations of the flesh.  Yes, Brothers and Sisters,
  I'm talkin' 'bout SEX now.  You, most of all will have to
  forego your loose morals and mend your ways !"
    The woman stopped her swaying, and with an angry look on
  her face said, "Now the old fool's taken to meddlin' instead
  of just preachin'."
                                - - - - -

*   To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to
  call on some daily.  One he selected was a young widow, her
  husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago.
    After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady
  with a baby in her arms.  He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the
  wrong address, I was looking for the widow Laffitte."
    "You've found her Father." smiled the lady.
    "Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died
  over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her arms.
    "That's correct Father, he surely did...  but I didn't."
                                - - - - -

*   The Priest was asked by a Mother to counsel her daughter, as
  the girl was just running wild, instead of planning for the
  future and a family.  "Peggy Sue," he said, "it's about time
  you started thinking about a husband."
    "Already got me a husband." the girl replied. "Mary Hendley's."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 6 Dec 1997 10:06:34 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!

                    Trio jailed in alien scam.

 PESCARA, Italy -- Two senior citizens paid out more than $367,000 for
uranium to feed an extraterrestrial doctor they had been told would cure
their ailments.

 Police said three tricksters persuaded the women that the alien, called
Sagyr, could cure them provided he was given uranium for nourishment.

 Having failed to spot any improvement in their infirmity, they decided to
call police. The trio was jailed Friday by a court in this central Italian
city. A judged ordered a sentence of 30 months in prison and a fine.

 Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle News Services


*The difference between truth and fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
                                           -Mark Twain.

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Date:    Sat, 6 Dec 1997 16:19:36 -0500
From:    "Dexter E. Gulledge" <gulledge@MAIL.PTDPROLOG.NET>
Subject: Language stuff

Received from my good friend Ira Saltz - Thank Ira

 * What is the speed of dark?
 * When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
 * Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
 * If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of  earrings,
   why don't they wear a pair of bras?
 * How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
 * What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
 * After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting
    out of the water?
 * If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
 * What's another word for synonym?
 * If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
   himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
 * When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket
   signs?
 * Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
 * Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
 * Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't
   have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
 * How can there be self-help groups?
 * Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
   drive?
 * Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is
   prohibited there?
 * Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
 * Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a
   shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
 * Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
 * Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
 * Where are Preparations A through G?
 * Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
 * If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
 * When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to
   throw the top one away?
 * When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he
   wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
 * What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
 * If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a
   lemon called a yellow?
 * Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
 * If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
 * Hermits have no peer pressure.
 * Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
 * There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the
   shore like an idiot..
 * How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
 * When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's
   Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."  I said, "The middle
   of August? Cool!"
 * Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
 * I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above
   me are furious.
 * I live on a one-way dead-end street.
 * It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
   temperature.
 * Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
 * I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped.  I said, "No
   thanks-I'm not going that far."
 * I played a blank tape on full volume.  The mime who lives next
   door complained.
 * Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
 * When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.  When
   a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

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Date:    Sat, 6 Dec 1997 19:15:16 -0500
From:    C and R <carbro@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: Hormones <Adult...Might be offensive>

Q: How do you make a Hormone?
A: Dont Pay her :->


http://www.bit-net.com/~carbro

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End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Dec 1997 to 7 Dec 1997
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