HUMOR Digest - 5 Dec 1997 to 6 Dec 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 482 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Kids at Christmas
  2. Stanford Snafu
  3. Redneck Etiquette Tips
  4. Santa's Seduction (Adult situation, language)
  5. Humor - The Real "Wiley Coyote"
  6. Letter from Santa!!!!!
  7. Douglas Adams' thoughts on the universe
  8. <humor> Humor in Science
  9. Courtroom Joke
 10. Not now!
 11. Microsoft Christmas

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Date:    Fri, 5 Dec 1997 03:12:33 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Kids at Christmas

*   Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at
  their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument
  as to who had the most important role.
    Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, "Well you
  just ask Mom.  She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin
  than it is to be an angel."
                                - - - - -

* Young lad on knee of a department-store Santa: "Please notice
  one thing -- I'm adequately clothed."
                                - - - - -

*   A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for
  Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from
  which many presents dangled, and at the very top, something that
  looked strangely like a bullet.
    She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree
  itself was so bare, instead of a fat pine tree.
    "It's not a Christmas tree." he said.  "It's a cartridge in a
  pear tree."
                                - - - - -

*   As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
  "And what would you like for Christmas ?"
    The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute,
  then gasped: "Didn't you get my letter ?"
                                - - - - -

* At the Mall with their Mother, upon hearing "Santa Claus is Coming
  to Town", a little boy said to his sister, "Listen Jean !  They're
  playing our song."
                                - - - - -

* A small boy wrote in a Christmas Card to his Aunt: "And I want to
  thank you for all the presents you have sent in the past, as well
  as all the ones you are going to send me this Christmas."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 5 Dec 1997 08:15:00 EST
From:    BSA0429 <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: Stanford Snafu

STANFORD SNAFU STUNS AND FLUSTERS FIRST FAMILY

PALO ALTO, CA (DPI) - The Dean of Stanford University is said to be "very
apologetic" over an embarassing incident involving Chelsea Clinton.  The
university, in an effort to cut ever-rising printing costs, revised the
lengthy textbook for a freshman psychology class, "Sexual Deviancy 101"
by omitting all text from the book and simply
inserting Bill Clinton's photograph between the covers, thereby saving
over 90% off last year's textbook price.  Miss Clinton was reportedly
"shocked and appalled" when she learned that her mom's photograph was
similarly used in a Feminist Paramilitary Movement textbook entitled,
"Usurping His Power, Your Way," and a Creative Accounting textbook
entitled, "Your Books, Their Books, Burned Books."  The Dean was quick to
pull all textbooks from the shelves,
and stated that no matter how high the cost, he will see to it that
henceforth all students be given a full explanation of the Clinton's
deviancies, text included.

Copied from "The Daily Probe", Chris White


Happy Holidays!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 5 Dec 1997 09:29:04 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Redneck Etiquette Tips

                          Driving etiquette:
                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 -Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
  and the deer is in sight.

 -When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
  always has the right of way.

 -Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

 -When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
  ask her to bring back snacks.

 -Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

 -Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

 -Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


                       Personal hygiene:
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 -Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
  item.

 -If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

 -While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
  done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

 -Removing unwanted nose hair, by plucking, is time-consuming work. A
  cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain is a faster
  alternative.
  Note: a bucket of water should be readily available.


                           Dining out:
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 -If the service was good, remember to leave a generous tip. After all,
  their mobile home costs just as much as yours.


                    Dating (outside of the family):
                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 -Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.


                          At the theatre:
                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 -Crying babies should be taken to the lobby. Remember to pick them up
  after the movie has ended.

 -Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
  can't hear you.

                              At a wedding:
                             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 -Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

 -It's not okay for the groom to bring a date.

 - A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective, but
   also a proven fly deterrent.

 -For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and
  a clean bowling shirt is not an acceptable alternative. Though
  uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


                         For all occasions:
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 -When going to an interview, never ask if they press charges.

 -Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

 -Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

 -It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

 -Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, don't drive a
  U-Haul to the funeral home.

 -The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially
  if other people are around.

 -Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 5 Dec 1997 10:07:31 -0600
From:    "Gregory R. Maes" <maesg1@VITEK.COM>
Subject: Santa's Seduction (Adult situation, language)

In the middle of his normal rounds Santa lands on the roof and drops down
to chimney to find a beautiful woman waiting for him on the couch.  Santa
ignores her and goes about his business of  delivering the gifts.  The lady
calls to him seductively, "Santa can you stay with me a while?"
With hardly a glance her way he replies, "No, no, gotta go, gotta go, gotta
deliver the toys to the good girls and boys."
The woman gets up of the couch dropping her robe to reveal a seductive red
and green teddy and she whispers again, "Santa can you stay with me a
while?"
"No, no, gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver the toys to the good girls and
boys."
The woman slowly moved towards him seductively removing the teddy and
whispers again "Santa can you stay with me a while?"
"No, no,  gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver the toys to the good girls and
boys."
The woman get to Santa and starts rubbing her naked body against him and
whispers gently into his ear, "Santa are you sure you can't stay with me a
while"
"Oh, no, gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this
way"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 5 Dec 1997 11:33:11 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - The Real "Wiley Coyote"

 SEATTLE (AP) -- A coyote being chased by crows scampered through downtown
streets and ducked into a busy federal building to escape. It ran into an
open elevator and the door closed, trapping the panicked animal.

 It may sound like an urban myth, but the bizarre episode actually happened
Wednesday in the Pacific Northwest's largest city.

 "Fortunately there was no one in the elevator," said spokesman Ken Spitzer
with the General Services Administration, which supervises the Henry M.
Jackson Federal Building.

 Animal-control officers removed the animal unharmed after about 2 1/2
hours Wednesday, but it left a mess behind for building maintenance crews.

 "I've been in this business 26 years, and this is the first time I've run
across anything like this," Spitzer said.

 A witness "saw the coyote, which he thought of course was a wild dog,
running down First Avenue and it was being dived at by crows, and kind of
being harassed," Spitzer said.
 As it ran past the federal building, an automatic door opened "and he
darted into the building and right into the first available elevator that
had the doors open," he said.

 Seattle Animal Control manager Don Jordan said the animal appeared to be
healthy, though a little stressed. It was released later Wednesday in a
rural area east of Seattle.

 Copyright 1997   The Associated Press.


Note: "Wiley Coyote" is a cartoon character that's always chasing the
      "Roadrunner", a bird that's native to the southwest that always
       outsmarts him.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 5 Dec 1997 14:58:34 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Letter from Santa!!!!!

 Dear _______:

 I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this
 year, and if you are, I will have some special treats for you this year
 at XMAS.

 I cannot promise you all the gifts from the 12 days of XMAS this year as
 the 12 fiddlers have all come down with the clap from fiddling with the
 10 ladies dancing. The 11 lords a-leaping have knocked up the 8 maids
 a-milking, ad the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird
 things with the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling
 birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and that damn partridge in a pear
 tree have me up to my ass in bird shit! On top of that Mrs. Claus is
 going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have
 joined the Gay Liberation Front and that stupid Harris government has
 passed a new bill that re-schedules Christmas for the 5 of February.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 5 Dec 1997 13:52:21 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Douglas Adams' thoughts on the universe

There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
inexplicable."

There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."


"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 5 Dec 1997 17:08:32 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Humor in Science

For my money, John Noble Wilford should win the "funny science
article title of the week" award.  His piece is in the Science
Times section of Tuesday's  THE NEW YORK TIMES (December 2,
1997).  It's called:

Did Dinosaurs Break the Sound Barrier?

In summary: "...researchers using computer models have proposed
that Apatosaurus used its tapered tail like a bullwhip, making
noise to attract a Mate or establish dominance.  Energy waves
would have picked up speed as they rippled along the tail from
the wide base to the narrow tip.  The very end of the tail could
have moved faster than sound, creating a loud sonic 'crack'."

Kinda makes you mull over that old phrase about "young
whippersnappers" doesn't it.

Some Paleontologists think the whole idea is rather farfetched
because of the trauma that such tail snapping would have caused
to the beasts' tissue.  Other's have pointed out that cow and
kangaroo skin is still used to make bullwhips and it holds up
quite well.  To this the doubters reply that the cows and 'roos
ain't in their skin when it goes a whippin' faster than the speed
of sound!

Finally this tail snapping may have been a Guy Thing.  Just
imagine them great He-o-saurs snappin' their tails to attract
Babe-o-saurs!  Talk about your loud courtship rituals.  Now the
trouble with this neat idea is that the Paleontologists can't
tell the boy-o-saurs from the girl-0-saurs, given what's left of
them.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 5 Dec 1997 16:45:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Courtroom Joke

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand
in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.  He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.  I've known you
since you were a young boy.  And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned.  Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do.  I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too.  I used to babysit him for his parents.  And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me.  He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem.  The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.  Yes,
I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench.  In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
"If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for
contempt within 5 minutes!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 5 Dec 1997 17:55:10 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Not now!

        Wife: Oh, come on.
        Husband: Leave me alone!
        Wife: It won't take long.
        Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
        Wife: I can't sleep without it.
        Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle
        of the  night?
        Wife: Because I'm Hot.
        Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
        Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
        Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
        Wife: You don't love me anymore.
        Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
        Wife: (Sob-Sob)
        Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
        Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
        Husband: I can't find it.
        Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
        Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
        Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
        Husband: Is it up far enough?
        Wife: Oh, yes that's fine.
        Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the
        window open, do it yourself.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 5 Dec 1997 22:58:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Microsoft Christmas

From: "Art Hill"

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclause@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums
(ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

---
Whoever said the human race was logical?

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Dec 1997 to 6 Dec 1997
**********************************************
