HUMOR Digest - 30 Nov 1997 to 1 Dec 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 398 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Old & The New <adult humor>
  2. Humor - Texas Folklore (3rd of 3)
  3. Fw: You wanna talk consolidation: U.S. Offers PlatinumPlus  Preferred
     Citizenship
  4. Mark Twain quotes (part 1 of 3)
  5. <HUMOUR> Beatles sing computers Part II
  6. Brickbats: Cynical humor and lightweight insights
  7. WHAT AM I? (Adult Humor)
  8. It could be worse <adult>

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Date:    Sun, 30 Nov 1997 02:45:21 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Old & The New <adult humor>

* For those of you not born yet, "Mate Swapping" really did exist
  in the 60's, where two couples would exchange partners for the
  night/weekend. Of course, these days, that's too crude a term.
  Now, it's known simply as "Intermartial Extracourse".
                                - - - - -

* Tranquilizer drugs have always been around it seems like though.
  'Course now the Yuppies have a new one.  It's not so much a
  tranquilizer though -- it makes them enjoy being tense.
                                - - - - -

* A lot of you are under the impression that "Flatbush" is a term
  denoting a person from an area of Brooklyn, a borough in New
  York City.  Not so !  That term was coined in the 60's when the
  girls first started wearing skin-tight jeans.
                                - - - - -

* Today when a girl says she got "bad vibes", we all know it means
  that she received some kind on negative mental transmission from
  a person. Well, back in the 60's, it referred to a malfunctioning
  intimate massager unit.
                                - - - - -

* That Australian bush jacket that's all the rage these days ain't
  really all that new of a term.  Hell, that's what we used to call
  bikini bottoms.
                                - - - - -

* Back then we had a real potent alcoholic drink called a "Harvey
  Wallbanger".  Haven't had one in a long time though.  Since I've
  over 55 now, I'm more of the "Harvey Wallbender" type I'm afraid.
                                - - - - -

* One tradition that hasn't changed though is the color black being
  associated with funerals.  A Yuppie, informed over his cell phone
  that his wife had just been killed in an air tragedy, asked the
  bartender to put a black olive in his next martini.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 30 Nov 1997 16:37:56 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Texas Folklore (3rd of 3)

By Leon Hale:

Something  I'm thinking of today is Jim Reid's word test. I've had it on my
desk since last August, waiting for a place to sneak it in. Reid lives here
in Houston and he makes up words you've never heard or seen in dictionaries
but they're splendid words. Listen to this:

 Aquadextrous -- This means possessing the ability to turn bathtub faucets
on and off with your toes.

 Disconfect -- To sterilize a piece of candy you dropped on the floor by
blowing on it to remove the germs.

 Elbonics -- (My favorite.) This means two people maneuvering for the same
arm rest in a theater.

Peppier -- Pronounced the French way, pehp-ee-ay. A waiter who walks around
in a restaurant asking diners if they want fresh pepper on their salad from
his yard-long grinder.

 Phonesia -- The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting who
you called just as they answer.

 Those are wonderful new and useful terms. I fight phonesia frequently and
last September when we flew home from Massachusetts I had a six-hour
elbonics match with a fat guy next to me.


Note: Leon Hale is an author and also a  folklore columnist for the Houston
      Chronicle

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 30 Nov 1997 17:59:26 -0500
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Fw: You wanna talk consolidation: U.S. Offers PlatinumPlus  Preferred
         Citizenship

Thhis is borrowed from another list:


Hello citizen!!!
 You have been selected to participate in our new program! Please read
below to find out about this special offer!!!

WASHINGTON, DC--In an 86-14 vote, the Senate approved legislation Monday
establishing PlatinumPlus Preferred citizenship, an exciting new program
offering special benefits and discounts to select members of the U.S.

"By becoming a PlatinumPlus citizen, you join an exclusive club of elite
Americans," said President Clinton, who signed the bill into law late
Monday. "And as part of that club, you'll be eligible for many special
benefits, including tax breaks, excusal from jury duty, and vacations at
special PlatinumPlus Caribbean resorts, which are off-limits to ordinary,
EconoBudget citizenry. It's our way of saying thank you to our best
customers."

"And, of course," Clinton added, "there are never any annual fees."

PlatinumPlus citizens--selected according to a number of demographic
factors, including age, race and socio-economic status--will enjoy a wide
variety of other benefits, including immunity from speeding tickets;
separate, no-wait lines at over 50,000 post-office locations nationwide;
and wider, more comfortable window seating.

After just one year in the club, members can also begin earning extra votes
for elections. "Wouldn't you like to earn up to five bonus votes for the
next presidential election?" said U.S. Rep. Roger Wicker (R-MS), a
co-sponsor of the measure. "With your new PlatinumPlus citizenship, you can."

According to Wicker, those at the highest level of the new program,
or "Diamond Club" citizens, will enjoy additional rewards, including a pass
good for acquittal from one crime (misdemeanor or felony), a no-interest
credit line of up to $500,000 and, for able-bodied male PlatinumPlus
members between ages 18 and 35, excusal from the draft should a foreign war
arise.

Above: PlatinumPlus citizens Connie and Russell Brodhagen of Del Mar, CA,
enjoy a round of golf in a members-only, walled-in golfing facility in East
Los Angeles, undisturbed by the surrounding war zone of urban poverty.

Gordon Alarie, CEO of the Dallas-based Integrated Systems Management
Group, was among the first to receive a PlatinumPlus citizenship offer in
the mail. "As CEO and founder of a Fortune 500 corporation, I've
contributed a great deal to the U.S. over the years," Alarie said. "It's
nice to know that now, with the PlatinumPlus Preferred citizenship program,
I'll finally start getting something back."

Rosalyn Murcheson Biddle, a Scarsdale, NY, art collector, was also
extended an offer to join. "The PlatinumPlus-only express lanes on the
highways are nice, and so are the unlimited drinks," Biddle said. "But what
I really like is the program's Gold Circle Premium Health Care package,
which gets me access to the finest medical care anywhere. It's nice to know
that if I ever get too wrapped up in a car-phone conversation and hit
another vehicle, emergency workers arriving on the scene will prioritize my
injuries over those of any other people who may have been hurt."

Clinton stressed that those not eligible for PlatinumPlus citizenship will
still enjoy the many benefits of regular U.S. citizenship, including one
free vote in each election, a court-appointed attorney if arrested, and a
number of fully guaranteed constitutional rights, including freedom of
speech and the right to bear arms.

"To our nation's EconoBudget citizens, I want to assure you that you will
still get the same great service from your government that you always have,"
Clinton said. "The postal delivery, the voting, the Social Security checks --
it's all still part of the basic citizenship package. And while, yes, a few
certain special privileges will be off-limits to you, that should
in no way make you feel like a second-class citizen. Remember, we are all
Americans here, no matter how poorly or well we are treated."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 30 Nov 1997 20:29:29 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Mark Twain quotes (part 1 of 3)

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I didn't
know.

Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

...I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty
vices.

It's noble to be good, and it's nobler to teach others to be good, and less
trouble.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 1 Dec 1997 10:20:40 +0800
From:    Dr Michael Robertshaw <MROBERT@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> Beatles sing computers Part II

The second part of what I started last week.

	Write in C ("Let it Be")
    
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
=========================

	     Something


Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now

You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 30 Nov 1997 21:33:07 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbats: Cynical humor and lightweight insights

My wife has arranged for the two of us, the mailman, the milkman and
the Great Dane from next door to be on the Jerry Spring television
show. I'm going to be on TV! Isn't that great?

I was very lonely when I was a child. I only had two imaginary
friends. And they would only play with each other.

Now that the feds have decided no bomb or missile brought down TWA
Flight 800, do we still have to show up 90 minutes early for domestic
flights?

Bumper sticker: If God had intended us to vote, he would have given
us candidates.

Home schooling is nothing more than intellectual incest.

The reason that I talk to myself is that I enjoy hearing a good
conversationalist, and I appreciate an attentive listener.

It's alright to talk to yourself. It's even alright to answer
yourself. It only becomes a problem if you're talking to yourself and
you go "Huh? What did you say?"

Please don't bite the book bug.

I just got a message from AOL when I signed on. They suggested I buy
their new book, "AOL for Dummies." Isn't that redundant?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I'm a patriotic American, too! I'll send my girlfriend's husband to
the Mideast in case there is a war.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 30 Nov 1997 22:37:46 EST
From:    Matthew R Hirsch <hmatt@JUNO.COM>
Subject: WHAT AM I? (Adult Humor)

What am I?
        This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long.
The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. Is usually
found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a
clump of little hairy things at one end and small hole at the other. In
use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes
quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and
drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and
accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will
most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the
well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a
juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning
from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long
glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing
liquids have ceased emenating, it is returned to its freely hanging state
of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its
bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What am
I???????

 As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is
none other than your very own.......

.....Toothbrush.

What were you thinking?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 1 Dec 1997 10:50:14 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: It could be worse <adult>

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency
call at a farmhouse.  When they walked in, they found the nude bodies
of a man and a woman in the bedroom.  They had been shot to death.

When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a
gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other.  "This was a double
murder and suicide.  This guy came home and found his wife in bed with
somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied.  "Double murder and suicide.
But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could
have been worse."

"No way.  How could it be worse?  There are three people in the house,
and all of them have been shot to death.  It couldn't be worse. You're
on."

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene.  He walked into
the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies.  He then walked into the
living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head.  "It was a
double murder and suicide.  This guy came home and found his wife in
bed with somebody else and shot them both.  Then he shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies
squarely in the eyes.  "But, you know," he said, "it could have been
worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how
could it have been worse?  There are three people in this farmhouse,
and all three of them are dead.  It couldn't have been worse??"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.  "You see that guy there on the
floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in
that bed!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Nov 1997 to 1 Dec 1997
***********************************************
