HUMOR Digest - 29 Nov 1997 to 30 Nov 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 204 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Drill We Must
  2. India-Ear Bit !
  3. Humor - Stupid Criminal Story
  4. Why'd the chicken cross the road?
  5. (more) Hey you... Out of the Gene Pool! (pt 2)
  6. nerds not allowed

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Date:    Sat, 29 Nov 1997 03:09:15 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Drill We Must

* Anyone know the six most frightening words in the world ???
                  "The Dentist will see you now."
                                - - - - -

*   "Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination
  of the patient.  "Good God !" he said startled.  "You've got the
  biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
    "OK Doc !"  replied the patient.  "I'm scared enough without you
  saying something like that twice."
    "I didn't !" said the dentist.  "That was the echo."
                                - - - - -

* "And there I sat in the dentist's chair," exclaimed one woman to
  another, "with my mouth propped open... and feeling as if every
  moment would be my next."
                                - - - - -

*   While I was waiting to see the dentist, a woman came out of his
  inner office smiling.  Nodding to me, she said, "Thank goodness
  my work is completed.  I'm so glad to have found a painless dentist
  and one who's so gentle and understanding too."
    When seated in the dentist chair, I related the incident to the
  doctor.
    He laughed and explained, "Oh, that was just my Mother."
                                - - - - -

* Distraught dentist to mother of small boy: "Two fillings.  Don't let
  him bite anyone for at least an hour."
                                - - - - -

*   "I came in to make an appointment with the dentist." said the man
  to the receptionist."
    "I'm sorry sir." she replied. "He's out right now, but..."
    "Thank you." interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient.
  "When will he be out again ?"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 29 Nov 1997 11:43:57 -0500
From:    Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: India-Ear Bit !

India News Network Digest   Sat, 29 Nov 97
Volume 2 : Issue 1631

APn  11/26 1359  BRF--India-Ear Bit
Copyright, 1997. The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

   BOMBAY, India (AP) -- A Bombay construction worker made some comments about
a colleague's wife -- then bit off the guy's ear and ate it.
   Vinayak Kadam has been arrested for assault, police said Wednesday.
   Kadam had reportedly argued Sunday with fellow laborer Bhagwanrao Raut over
Raut's wife. The next day, he called to Raut and on the pretext of wanting to
whisper something important, he bit off his ear, Constable Jaidev Thackeray
said.
   "He said he ate the ear for fun," the policeman added.
   Kadam took refuge in a tree when he heard police were looking for him. The
fire brigade was called in to assist the police, who persuaded Kadam to leave
his perch after six hours.
   Kadam faces at least three months in prison.

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Date:    Sat, 29 Nov 1997 11:07:14 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Stupid Criminal Story

Copied from Ann Lander's Column:

Dear Ann Landers: Here's one more story about stupid criminals. This
happened to my husband, "Jim," a truck driver.  Jim was on the road one day
when two police cars pulled him over. The car right behind him also pulled
over. The officers said that the car behind him had called in a report that
Jim was weaving all over the road. They gave him a breathalyzer test and
found he was perfectly sober.

 Jim suggested they give the driver behind him the same test. They did and
discovered he was intoxicated -- twice the legal limit. In fact, he was so
drunk, he didn't realize it was HE who was weaving all over the road. He
actually reported himself! Wouldn't it be nice if more drunk drivers
reported themselves? -- His Wife

 Dear Wife: It would indeed, but don't hold your breath waiting. I've never
heard of this before and don't expect to hear of it again.


Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.

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Date:    Sat, 29 Nov 1997 14:09:38 -0600
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: Why'd the chicken cross the road?

Well, duh, the light was green!

This should end any spculation.


http://www.net4tv.com/net4tv/u2u/spotlite.htm

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Date:    Sat, 29 Nov 1997 16:28:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: (more) Hey you... Out of the Gene Pool! (pt 2)

In August, 12 men were arrested near Szczecin in northern Poland as they
were digging up a road because they had heard a rumor that it was built
with a large stockpile of police-confiscated hashish. The hashish had
been sold to a chemical plant to be incinerated into ash for road
construction.

Paul Carthy, 25, pleaded guilty in Exeter, England, in September to
theft subsequent to his original charge of shoplifting from a liquor
store.  In the second theft, he had stolen the magnetic letters off the
name  board that was held up to his face when his mug shot was taken.

In September, according to police in Junction City, Kan., David Bell, 30,
just released from jail for car theft, walked out the door and stole
another car to get home.  And in October, William B. Singleton, 24, just
released from jail in Belton, Mo., on a larceny charge, allegedly broke
into a vending machine in the lobby of the police station and stole a
60-cent Strawberry Twisteroo while he waited for his ride to arrive.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

And in September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

And in September, a 7 year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near
Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the
spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far:  In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This
year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including
one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's
just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons."

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Date:    Sat, 29 Nov 1997 22:29:15 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: nerds not allowed

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for
a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED --ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy,
asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck,
and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says
OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he
did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the
Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he
said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the
freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the
computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing
the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole
load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts
blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I
thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Nov 1997 to 30 Nov 1997
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