HUMOR Digest - 27 Nov 1997 to 28 Nov 1997
There are 7 messages totalling 548 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Worse than Ya First Thought <adult humor>
  2. JOKE CLEAN: Chicken Quotes: Fictional Characters
  3. Will Rogers (Not Offensive)
  4. Stages of life humour
  5. Humor - Texas Folklore
  6. <HUMOUR> Beatles sing computers Pt I
  7. What Is HIJKLMNO? <clean,_warning_:PJ>

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Date:    Thu, 27 Nov 1997 03:35:50 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Worse than Ya First Thought <adult humor>

*   The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his
  cellmate looked like a real thug.
    "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for
  a white collar crime too."
    "Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker.  "I was sent
  to prison for fraud and insider trading."
    "Oh nothing fancy like that for me." grinned the convict.  "I
  just killed a couple of Priests."
                                - - - - -

*   The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar.  His
  boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as
  he looked absolutely terrible.
    "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out
  she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her.  One
  thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild
  gorilla sex all nite."
    "OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why
  are your eyes so red ?"
    "Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had
  a baby at home.  She started crying, and I started thinking about
  my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
    "I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday.  How
  come you still appear so ragged ?"
    "Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5
  times a day for four days and not look like this."
                                - - - - -

*   The Yuppette from Columbia Maryland had risen to executive level
  in the company in no time at all.  Hearing rumors about her, the
  husband confronted his wife and accused her of sleeping with all of
  the top level managers.
    "Now that's entirely false." she cried.  "I took the easy route
  and slept with anyone who mattered at least twice."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Thu, 27 Nov 1997 00:57:46 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: JOKE CLEAN: Chicken Quotes: Fictional Characters

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

11. The Fictional Characters

Morticia Addams: He looks so sweet. Looks just like a little
entree.

Yogi Bear: He was smarter than the average chicken.

Howard Beele: He's mad as hell and is not going to take this
any more.

Elwood Blues: They're not gonna catch it. It's on a mission
from God!

James Bond: World domination. The same old dream. Our
asylums are full of chickens who think they're Naploeon. Or God.

Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist

The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will
be assimilated.

Dr. Emmett Brown: Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads.

Candide: To cultivate its garden.

Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.

Dorothy: Toto, I have a feeling it isn't in Kansas any more.

Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had
to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the
chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost!

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean
reds? Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're
afraid of. Well, when I get it the only thing that does any
good is to cross the road and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down
right away.

Forrest Gump: My Mama always says, "stupid is what stupid does."

Queen of Hearts: It doesn't matter. Off with its head.

Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson. She was chased
across by a nine-month old white Persian with a broken tail
and a rose thorn in its right forepaw.

Jack: It was a goose and it crossed to lay a golden egg.

Dr. Jekell: She hadn't been feeling herself lately.

Indiana Jones: Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: The Force was strong with him.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken?
He's into that kind of thing, you know.

Chicken Little: The sky fell

Brett Maverick: As my pappy used to say, if someone wants to
bet you that that chicken will cross the road to lay an egg,
warm up the skillet to make an omlette.

Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no
no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

Mork: Na Nu, Na Nu. To find my eggshell.

Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain
wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

Ebinizer Scrooge: Baaa. Humbug. It didn't cross the road.

Homer Simpson: Mmmmmmmm, chicken.

Hans Solo: I have a bad feeling about this chicken.

The Sphinx: You must tell me.

E.T.: He wanted to call home.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too!

Tevye: As the good book says, if you cross the road to get
out of the rain, its snowing on the other side.

Oliver Twist: Please sir, can it cross some more?

Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll
thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.

Dr. Peter Venkman: This chick is "Toast".

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Nov 1997 07:35:12 -0500
From:    Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Will Rogers (Not Offensive)

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
               (But probably wishes he had)

--A consulting doctor is one who is called in at the last minute
  to share the blame.

--George Washington could broadjump 23 beet, a record in those
  days.  Today we have politicians who can sidestep father than
  that.

--Rip Van Winkle slept for 20 yers.  But, of course, his
  neighbors didn't have a radio.

--Freedom of speech is the right to argue about issues you
  don't understand.

--The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run
  for public office.


Doug's Joke Book

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Nov 1997 07:50:06 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Stages of life humour

 THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

 AGE        DRINK

 17         beer
 25         beer
 35         vodka
 48         double vodka
 66         Maalox


     SEDUCTION LINE

 17         My parents are away for the weekend.
 25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
 35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
 48         My wife is away for the weekend.
 66         My second wife is dead.


   FAVORITE SPORT

 17         sex
 25         sex
 35         sex
 48         sex
 66         napping


     DRUG

 17         pot
 25         coke
 35         really good coke
 48         power
 66         coke, a limousine, the company jet


   DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

 17         "tongue"
 25         "breakfast"
 35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
 48         "I didn't have to meet her kids."
 66         "Got home alive."


  FAVORITE FANTASY

 17         getting to third
 25         airplane sex
 35         menage a trois
 48         taking the company public
 66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

          HOUSE PET

 17         roaches
 25         stoned-out college roommate
 35         Irish setter
 48         children from his first marriage
 66         Barbi


  WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

 17         25
 25         35
 35         48
 48         66
 66         17


    IDEAL DATE

 17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
 25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
 35         "Just come over."
 48         "Just come over and cook."
 66         sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

---------------------------------------------------------

    THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

 AGE        DRINK

 17         Wine Coolers
 25         White wine
 35         Red wine
 48         Dom Perignon
 66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser


  EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

 17         Need to wash my hair
 25         Need to wash and condition my hair
 35         Need to color my hair
 48         Need to have Francois color my hair
 66         Need to have Francois color my wig


  FAVORITE SPORT

 17         shopping
 25         shopping
 35         shopping
 48         shopping
 66         shopping


    DRUG

 17         shopping
 25         shopping
 35         shopping
 48         shopping
 66         shopping


 DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

 17         "Burger King"
 25         "Free meal"
 35         "A diamond"
 48         "A bigger diamond"
 66         "Home Alone"


  FAVORITE FANTASY

 17         tall, dark and handsome
 25         tall, dark and handsome with money
 35         tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
 48         a man with hair
 66         a man


   HOUSE PET

 17         Muffy the cat
 25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
 35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
 48         Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
 66         Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat


  WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

 17         17
 25         25
 35         35
 48         48
 66         66


  IDEAL DATE

 17         He offers to pay
 25         He pays
 35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
 48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
 66         He can chew breakfast

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Nov 1997 19:32:43 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Texas Folklore

By Leon Hale

Several customers have lately reminded me of the old  comparative
expressions that once colored American speech, and often still do. The
origin and meaning of most of these are obvious: sayings like "Dead as
Millard Fillmore," or "black as a yard up a chimney."

                        "hot as a depot stove"

 One of my favorites is "hot as a depot stove." It makes me see the old
pot-bellied wood stoves that glowed red hot in the waiting rooms of
railroad depots long ago. The cats would lie under there and sleep
comfortably even when they were so hot you couldn't touch one. On the
coldest days sometimes the depot agent would have to shoo the cats out from
under the stove because their fur would singe and fill the waiting room
with a bad smell.


Note: Leon Hale is an author and also a folklore columnist for the Houston
      Chronicle

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Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 10:22:10 +0800
From:    Dr Michael Robertshaw <MROBERT@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> Beatles sing computers Pt I

This has come through a web of people so I don't know the author

IF THE BEATLES USED COMPUTERS  (new lyrics to Beatles Songs)

		YESTERDAY

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
		===================================

	     Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes  a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
		===================================

	    Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX  plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX  plans For nobody.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 09:14:20 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: What Is HIJKLMNO? <clean,_warning_:PJ>

Its nothing but water in its chemical form.

How?

That is H to O, ain't it?

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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Nov 1997 to 28 Nov 1997
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