HUMOR Digest - 26 Nov 1997 to 27 Nov 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 600 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Micahel Hutchence <Very Offensive to INXS fans>
  2. Joke Clean: Chicken Quotes: The Philosphers
  3. Happy Thanksgiving
  4. Seeing into the Future!!!!
  5. Funeral Funnies <may be offensive to dead people>
  6. Genuine typo (sexual)
  7. Nostradamus & The World Series <clean>
  8. Look at the size of it! (sexual)
  9. Joke Rated: The Whale's Revenge (Sexual)
 10. Shredding (possibly offensive to Clinton fans)
 11. humor, Collegiate
 12. Dr. Seuss Purity Test <adult theme>
 13. Einstein stories-so you think you're so smart??????
 14. The importance of being helpful
 15. Why Are Women Always So.. <adult>

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Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 23:22:14 PST
From:    david jeffries <david_jeffries@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Micahel Hutchence <Very Offensive to INXS fans>

Did you hear about Michael Hutchence's last phone call?
Bob Geldof told him to belt up. So he hung up.

What was he doing in the hotel room?
Nothing, just hanging around.

Why was Paula upset?
Because she always told him, if you're going to do anything, do it INXS.

What's the difference between  Michael Hutchence and Lady Di?
Michael did up his belt.

They found amphetamine and methadone on Paula Yates' room.
Unfortunately the other daughter wasn't there with them.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 23:43:57 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: Chicken Quotes: The Philosphers


WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

10. The Philosophers

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Francis Bacon: To retain his own dignity without intruding
upon the liberty of others.

Jacques Derrida:
        (1) What is the difference? The chicken was
merely deferring from one side of the road to other. And how
do we get the idea of the chicken in the first place? Does
it exist outside of language?
        (2) Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each
interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can
never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT,
DEAD.

Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was
dreaming anyway.

Diogenes: It was looking for an honest bird.

Epicurus: For fun.

Eric Hoffer: When chickens are free to do as they please,
they usually imitate each other.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Immanuel Kant: (1) Because it was its duty.
               (2) The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to
                   cross the road of his own free will.

John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty

Machiavelli:
        (1) So that its subjects will view it with
admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among
them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of
avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's
dominion maintained.
        (2) The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever
motive there was.

John Stuart Mills: It was a utilitarian function. She had
tasks that were better performed on the other side.

Friedrich Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the
Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Camille Paglia: It was drawn by the subconscious chthonian
power of the feminine which men can never understand, to
cross the road and focus itself on its task. Hens are not
capable of doing this - their minds do not work that way.
Feminism tries vainly to pretend there is no real difference
between them, falsely following Rousseau. But de Sade has
proved....

Plato: For the greater good.

Alexander Pope: To cluck is avian, to cross devine.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true
to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road

Socrates: (1) I will think about it.
          (2) To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road
was made for it to cross.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was
encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and
circumstances came into being which caused the actualization
of this potential occurrence.

Zeno The Skeptic: Did she really cross the road? How can you
be certain?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 03:30:28 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Happy Thanksgiving

All of us in the US are celebrating Thanksgiving.  However, don't
forget the day after will be here sooner than ya like.  This year,
I'll forewarn y'all in advance.

                You Can Over-do Thanksgiving if...

*  You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses

*  Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy

*  Your after dinner moans are loud enough to signal Dr. Kevorkian

*  The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat !

*  The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland

*  You get grass stains on your butt after a walk, but never sat down

*  Your "Big Elvis Super-Belt" won't even go around your waist

*  You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail

*  You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday

*  Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy

*  You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games

*  A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000"

*  That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn

*  Your wife wears a life jacket at nite in your water bed

*  Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice

*  You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty

*  It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas

*  Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 07:01:20 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Seeing into the Future!!!!

 A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having
 a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son
 replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The
 father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
 The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

 One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
 goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his
 son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died.
 The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
 The next day, granddaddy dies.

 One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
 goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his
 son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The
 father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

 The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next
 day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After
 dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He
 doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids
 everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every
 noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

 Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife.  "Good God Dear" he
 proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life! She responds,
 "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep
 this morning".

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 07:17:53 -0500
From:    "J.M. A'Hearn" <jahearn@RXS.COM>
Subject: Funeral Funnies <may be offensive to dead people>

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for
her  husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her
husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be
easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists
that  it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When
she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin  and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.  She tells the director
how much she loves the suit and asks how  much it cost. He says, "Actually,
it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left,
another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that
they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind
if  her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine
with her. So... I switched the heads"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 13:23:22 -0000
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Genuine typo (sexual)

The following is a GENUINE email with an interesting typo received by a
friend of mine this morning in the photocopy industry in South Africa.......

"PLEASE PLEASE please please please -- I am begging here -- keep any
and all paper clips away from the copier!  We have had two service calls in
the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the
innards of the copier.  PLEASE be really really really really careful
around the copier.  Especially the document handler which seems to suck
clits like a vacuum cleaner."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 15:52:46 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Nostradamus & The World Series <clean>

Mystified by the prediction made on the film Back to the Future, Lee
Bradley and I set out to find a reference to it on a Nostradamus'
prophecy. What we found is a somewhat cryptic quatrain, which
however, thanks to Lee's cultured translation, gives this uncanny
prediction:

   En jours finals apparaist le poisson meridional
   Qui avale l'indigene Dieu des laboureux
   Sous les yeux des hommes, souris et canard
   Et l'incita a vaincre le monde.

In the final days (1) appears the southern fish (2)
Which swallows the indigenous man, (3) God of the farmers (4)
In front of men, mouse and duck (5)
And urged it to conquer the world. (6)

(1) at the turn of the millennium
(2) the fish from southern waters (marlin)
(3) the indigenous person, (American Indian, Braves)
(4) god of the farmers (George, Georgians, from Greek
    "geos" land)
(5) seen by men, mouse (Mickey) and duck (Donald). An uncanny
    reference to DisneyWorld, in Orlando, Florida
(6) win the world's series.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 09:18:15 -0500
From:    Paul McCooe <paul_mccooe@CREATIVE.IE>
Subject: Look at the size of it! (sexual)

  A virgin white girl gets married to a black guy and she's rather nervous
  about the wedding night as she's heard that black men are better endowed
  than white men.

  She explains this to her husband, who tells her he knows how to get
  around the situation, which is to show her bit by bit.

  The wife lies in bed and sees 3 inches of him come around the door.
  "Are you nervous yet?" says her husband.
  "No, I'm OK" she replies

  Another six inches comes around the door and he says "Are you still OK?"

  "Yes" she replies

  A further foot comes around the door and she says "I'm still not
  nervous".

  "OK," her husband replies, "I'm coming up the stairs."


  Visit my web page at http://indigo.ie/~pmccooe

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 09:38:23 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: Joke Rated: The Whale's Revenge (Sexual)

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of
Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship
that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the
opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to
the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through
our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make
them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female
whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling
ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of
the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either
swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so
easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go
gobble them up!" Just then the female whale becomes less
cooperative. "Sure", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but
there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 13:19:02 -0500
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Shredding (possibly offensive to Clinton fans)

This apparently from Paul Harvey

"Paula Jones says she can positively identify Bill Clinton's anatomy.
 Bill Clinton better watch out because Hillary has a habit of shredding
 evidence."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 16:02:05 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: humor, Collegiate

Yup, It's a Pumpkin Up There!

DATELINE:   Ithaca, New York   Nov. 26, 1997

Cornell University, the only Ivy League school with cows, is
located in this quaint little village on the shore of Cayuga
Lake.  Since early October Cornell students and staff have been
showing the world that collegiate humor and pranksterism are not
dead.  And those of us looking on say, "Bravo!"

One morning in mid-October a big pumpkin --estimated to weigh up
to 60lb (27kg)-- "mysteriously" appeared on top of McGraw Tower
in the heart of Cornell's campus.  As I write these lines, it is
still there and has become the focus of national interest!

McGraw Tower is some 173 feet (52.7 m) tall, loaded with bells
and attached to one of the school's main libraries.  The top 20
feet (6.1m) of the Tower is a steep cone and there's a lightning
rod on top of it.  The great pumpkin may have been skewered with
the lightning rod to keep it up there.

Nobody has come forth to take credit for the prank.  There's all
sorts of wild speculation going on about how it was done.  Folks
have gone so far as to suggest that somebody got hold of a
helicopter.  My sources (fully protected by the Bill of Rights)
tell me that skilled rock climbers, using ample safety equipment,
got the gourd up there under the cover of darkness.

However it reached the top, Cornell's administration has declared
the the pumpkin must get down on it's own because they don't want
to risk the lives of their maintenance crew in a retrieval
effort.

The only suggestion at variance with this policy of pumpkin
neglect has been to get a sharpshooter to just put the gourd out
of its misery.

After the pumpkin had sat atop the tower for several weeks,
Cornell administrators had barricades and warning signs erected
around the base of the tower.  They don't want anybody to get
swacked with the big orange gourd when it takes its final swan
dive.

Not to be outdone by the Administration, students have placed
small carved pumpkins around the base of the tower.  These jack-
o-lantern observers look up in horror at the plight of their
sibling.  It should be noted,however,  that there is a touch of
contemporary cynicism in this pumpkin tableau because some of the
watching gourds have signs which say "Jump!".

By now you're probably eager to experience this wonderful prank
yourselves.  Well, through the magic of the World Wide Web, you
can!  Cornell has a Web site set up with a "live" image of the
pumpkin at the top of the tower.  You can find it at
http://pumpkin.library.cornell.edu/  Go and watch for the pumpkin
to plummet!

Finally, as if Cornell U needs more publicity, today's electronic
version of The Chronicle of Higher Education has a story on the
pumpkin website.

So, if you should sink your teeth into some pumpkin pie tomorrow,
I hope you'll remember to pause between bites and mull over the
fate of that silent orange sentinel, the Cornell pumpkin of '97,
which sits higher yet above Cayuga's waters.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 18:55:40 -0500
From:    Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dr. Seuss Purity Test <adult theme>

The Dr. Seuss Purity Test
-Have you done it on a boat?
-Have you done it with a goat?
-Have you done it in a bed?
-Have you done it with the dead?
-Have you done it in the ass?
-Have you done it, high on grass?
-Have you done it in the car?
-Have you simply gone too far?
-Have you done it on the beach?
-Have you done it with the teach?
-Have you done it on your back?
-Have you done it strapped to a rack?
-Have you done it in a box?
-Have you done it with a fox?
-Have you done it in a tree?
-Have you done it with more than three?
-Have you done it in the rain?
-Have you done it for the pain?
-Have you done it 'tween the tits?
-Have you done it wearing mitts?
-Have you done it packed in rubber?
-Have you done it undercover?
-Have you done it on a perch?
-Have you done it in a church?
-Have you done it with a virgin?
-Have you done it with a sturgeon?
-Have you done it with ropes and chains?
-Have you done it while insane?
-Have you done it on the stage?
-Have you done it underage?
-Have you done it with all your friends?
-Have you done it in both ends?
-Have you done it with your dog?
-Have you done it on a log?
-Have you done it under clamps?
-Have you done it with the lamps?
-Have you done it without style?
-Have you done it in a pile?
-Have you done it for all to see?
-Have you ever had VD?
-Have you done it on Mother's couch?
-Have you done it in your mouth?
-Have you done it while on tape?
-Have you done it out of shape?
-Have you done it on live TV?
-Have you done it whilst you pee?
-Have you done it in the gym?
-Have you done it on a whim?
-Have you done it on a dare?
-Do you really think we care?

Answer these and count your "no"s,
pray this number never grows.
Fifty questions we asked thee,
Score times two is your Purity.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 19:59:01 -0500
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Einstein stories-so you think you're so smart??????

A group of nuclear physicists gathered in Las Vegas for an important
symposium. During their free time they congregated in casinos and it soon
became evident that Dr. Einstein was spending all his time at the blackjack
tables.
"Einstein is gambling as if there is no tomorrow, " remarked one of the
scientists.
"What bothers me," another said worriedly, "is that he might know something."


Some years ago Einstein and Chaim Weizmann sailed to America together.  When
they arrived for a convention Dr. Weizmann was asked how they spent their
time together.
"Throughout the voyage, the professor kept talking to me about his theory of
relativity."
"And what is your opinion about it?"
"It seems to me," concluded Weizmann, "that Professor Einstein understands it
very well."

Professor Higgin to Einstein, "Good morning, sir.  How are you?"
Professor Einstein, "Relative to what?"

Professor Higgin to Einstein, "What's wrong, sir. You look down."
Professor Einstein, "My wife just doesn't understand me."

HAPPY TURKEY DAY, EVERYONE!!!!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 21:34:42 -0500
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: The importance of being helpful

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a lightpole, several
bystanders ran over to help. A woman was first to reach the victim, but a
man, a retired colonel, rushed in, pushed her back and barked, "Step aside,
lady. I've had a course in first aid."

The woman watched his procedures for a few minutes, and then tapped him on
the shoulder. "Pardon me, but when you get to the part about calling a
doctor," she said, "I'm right here."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Nov 1997 09:16:58 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Why Are Women Always So.. <adult>

This fellow was walking home from work one evening, very
depressed.  He was married to a nagging woman who was
constantly switching between treating him nice and tearing
down his self esteem.  To add to it, his best friend was to be
hanged that night for a capital crime.

He stomped into the house and slammed the door, sunk in
his self-pity.

His wife said, "Honey, what's the problem?"

"They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!"

"I understand, go take a bath.  I'll get supper ready for you,
Sweetie, and you can go down to see him before the hanging.
Now, won't that make you feel better?"

He decided to not make it worse and agrees with her proposal.

Well, while she was getting supper the paper came, hitting the
front door with a plop.  She picked it up and opened it.  The
heading said, "WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION."

She knew her husband would want to know immediately and
hearing the great news would really lift his spirits, so she went
up the stairs and opened the bathroom door.  There he was,
bent over and naked, cleaning the tub.

She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!"

He answered, "The same old story.  First you're nice and then
bitch, bitch, bitch!!!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Nov 1997 to 27 Nov 1997
************************************************
