HUMOR Digest - 25 Nov 1997 to 26 Nov 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 457 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Brazil Flame
  2. EBONICS (offensive to many)
  3. Cool signs... (fwd)
  4. Off to INXS fans.....
  5. Some Answers... (off. to men)
  6. HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX
  7. Botltes of Whiksey, hic!!!
  8. Skin Graft
  9. Millenia Software <not offensive, and this is not junk mail!!>
 10. nun riddle <adult themed but not filthy>
 11. Economic Times? <clean>

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Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 03:07:11 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Brazil Flame

I had to share this funny flame/comeback with y'all.  For any who
missed it, this is in reference to my post yesterday of:

> In retrospect, I guess the funniest thing that happened to me on
> here this past year was the response I received to my Spanish in
> Brazil joke.  I should like to personally thank all 247 people who
> wrote to clarify the official language of that country.  At least,
> now I know that Latin is spoken in Brazil, and not Spanish.

        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Top 15 Reasons JimJr Now Thinks Latin is Spoken In Brazil:

 1. The only "amazon" he's ever seen is his wife
 2. Lil' Jimmy don't hug no damn trees
 3. He heard there were more Catholics there than in Rome
 4. He drinks only American grown coffee
 5. He thought Eco 92 was a contest at the Grand Canyon
 6. He confuses Rio de Janeiro with REO Speedwagon
 7. He thinks Carnaval is a person who eats meat
 8. He thinks "samba" is Ebonics for "somebody"
 9. He thinks the Equator is a spreadsheet program
10. He claims all those "far-rain" languages sound alike
11. He believes the stuff you all post on the HumorList
12. Juan & the donkey never speak in those TV commercials
13. He once went to a costume party wearing irradiated fruit
14. The Latin tree Caesalpinia grows in abundance there

and the TOP reason JimJr thinks Latin is spoken In Brazil:

15. Brazil is short for "tierra de brasil" (Latin for Crown of Nuts)

www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 03:12:13 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: EBONICS (offensive to many)

[Thanks to vunovick@netcom.com and others]

Ebonic American Dictionary of Phrases

 Nice shoes mutha          I'll take the Air Jordans in size 10
 Nice _____  mutha         I'll have one of those
 Wuzup                     Good morning, how are you
 Yo mamma                  Pardon me
 Yo mamma                  I dont agree
 Yo mamma                  Oh gosh
 Yo mamma                  Excuse me dear
 Yo mamma                  You also
 I be lookin fo  work      Is this the welfare office
 Grab da wall              I am a police officer and I wish to talk to you
 Bitch                     Womyn
 Da bitch be hot           What an attractive young lady
 Bitch done want me        I think she likes me
 On yo knees bitch         Might we date
 Where da check            Has our govt check arrived
 The Juice                 The Juice
 Mutha                     Person
 The bitch be knocked      She's expecting
 Out da car now o you dead Might I borrow your car
 Gimmie                    Thank you
 F you mutha               You're welcome

Example of conversation:

Nice car mutha.  Gimmie o you ass be shot  F you and yo momma too.

Might I borrow your automobile?  Please?  Thank you for your trouble.


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 08:42:56 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Cool signs... (fwd)

Forwarded from the RELHUMOR List.

   Sign in a Laundromat:
   AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL
   YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

   Sign in a London department store:
   BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

   Outside a farm:
   HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
   20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

   In an office:
   AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
   STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

   On a church door:
   THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
   (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE
    SIDE DOOR.)

   Outside a photographer's studio:
   OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

   Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
   SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

   Outside a disco:
   SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

   Sign warning of quicksand:
   QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY
   ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

   Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
   DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS
   WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD
   TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

   Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
   ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE
   DISPOSED OF.

   Sign on motorway garage:
   PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
   YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

   Notice in health food shop window:
   CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

   Spotted in a safari park:
   ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

   Seen during a conference:
   FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
   THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

   Notice in a field:
   THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
   FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

   Sign on a repair shop door:
   WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE
   BELL DOESN'T WORK)

   Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
   BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS
   JUST LEFT

   Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
   TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 16:03:16 -0000
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Off to INXS fans.....

Q: How do you re-unite INXS?

A: Buy 4 more leather belts.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 11:57:07 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Some Answers... (off. to men)

 Q; What can a bird do that a man can't?
 A: Whistle through its pecker.

 Q: Why did the man cross the road?
 A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

 Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
 A: They don't have time.

 Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
 A: They won't stop to ask directions.

 Q: Why did God put men on earth?
 A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

 Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
 A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

 Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
 A: They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who usually
    end up playing with them.

 Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
 A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

 Q: Why do men masturbate?
 A: It's sex with someone they love.

 Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
 A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

 Q: Why did God make man before woman?
 A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

 Q: Why is pee yellow and sperm white?
 A: So you can tell if he's coming or going.

 Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
 A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

 Q: Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
 A: It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 20:30:15 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Ambulance driver comes quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookkeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra do it his way
Garbage men come twice a week
Gardeners do it on the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Zoologists do it with animals

I do it for fun

http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 15:25:41 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Botltes of Whiksey, hic!!!

  With all due credit to Danny who sent it to me.

     I had 18 bottles of whisky in my cellar and my wife told me to get
    rid of them or else.
     She told me to open every bottle and empty the contents down the
    sink and this is the unpleasant task I am now doing.
     I drew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
    down the sink, except for one glass that I drank.
     Then likewise with the second bottle, down the sink except for one
    glass, which I drank.
     I withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the contents
    down the sink, which I drank, then pulled the cork from the fourth
    bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I
    drank.
     I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink
    out of it then threw the rest down the glass, pulled the sink out
    of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle, then corked
    the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour.
     now I have everything emptied.
     I steadied the house with one hand and counted the glasses, corks,
    bottles and sinks with the other.
     It came to 79.
     Next time the house came by, I counted them again and finally had
    all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
     I am not under the affluence of incohol, way the by, though some
    thinkle may peep I am.
     I am not half as thunk as you might drink. but I fool so feelish
    I don't know which is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer
    I get.
    ... burp ...

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 17:19:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Skin Graft

From: Daniel Chenault

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's
face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated
some of his skin...

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this
was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends
and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what
he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did
for me!  There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time
your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"


---
Do artificial plants need artificial water?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 19:55:27 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Millenia Software <not offensive, and this is not junk mail!!>

Year 2000 Compliance

A great new software announcement!!! This memo is to announce the
development of a new software system. We are currently building a data
center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The
program is referred to as:
"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to
everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month
so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed
the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS.
This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are
using the program already and have come to depend on it.  Just this
morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find
that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat
afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information
into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've
never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her
first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively
painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again.  She went
so far as to say after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated
and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be
required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all
information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program,
feel free to put anything you want into MYASS.  As MYASS grows larger, we
envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a
manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS."

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during
recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the
agency representatives were amazed how quickly we provided the information.
When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental
Manager proudly stated "I just pulled them out of MYASS."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 22:34:13 -0500
From:    Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: nun riddle <adult themed but not filthy>

told to me by my boss:

Q:  What do you call a nun who had a sex change operation?

A:  A Trans-sister (transistor)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Nov 1997 09:19:30 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Economic Times? <clean>

Thanks to Dr.Anil Namdeo,who's got it from Politics This Week,The Economist.

"The military regime in MYANMAR changed its name from the State Law
and Order Restoration Council to the State Peace and Development
Council.Jobs too were shuffled, but the top generals remain the same."


* Two rules for life:
    1. Don't tell people everything you know.
    2.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Nov 1997 to 26 Nov 1997
************************************************
