HUMOR Digest - 24 Nov 1997 to 25 Nov 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 612 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Doctor... Doctor... <some adult humor>
  2. Martians & Earthlings <sexual content>
  3. Sneeze (Adult)
  4. 2 adult jokes
  5. <humor>  Veggie Rights!!!
  6. Sex Education
  7. JOKE CLEAN: Chicken Quotes: The Authors
  8. A few brickbats & a cautious poem
  9. Strange but True!!!
 10. Size DOES count!  <slightly risque'>
 11. How did you know?
 12. back to the future
 13. Michael Hutchence <extremely sick; offensive to INXS fans>
 14. Preparing For The Exam <adult>

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Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 03:07:48 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Doctor... Doctor... <some adult humor>

* The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care
  of her first baby.  "Actually, it's quite simple." he said.
  "Just keep one end full and the other end dry."
                                - - - - -

*  Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination.
            Please take off all your clothes."
  Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test
            results.  Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition
            just yesterday."
   Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me."
                                - - - - -

*   A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and
  everything seems fine.  The doctor asks him about his sex life.
    "Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest.  In
  the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls,
  none of whom were over thirty years old."
    "My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I
  hope you took at least some precautions."
    "Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc.  I gave 'em all
  a phony name."
                                - - - - -

*   A friend of mine was thoroughly examined by an oral surgeon who
  recommended a simple operation to relieve his ailment. The patient
  asked the doctor if it would affect his hobby.
    Puzzled, the doctor inquired, "What's your hobby ?"
    "Saving money." was the prompt reply.
                                - - - - -

*   A doctor was making his rounds in the hospital nursery as one of
  the Nurses was changing all of the babies' diapers.  He watched her
  move from one baby to another with a big stack of diapers. "Hard to
  believe they're only about 80 percent water, isn't it ?" he asked.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 13:40:08 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Martians & Earthlings <sexual content>

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one  another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where
the Martian strips.  He's got only a teeny, weeny member -- about half
an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says the woman.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.  With each pull
his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims as they fell into bed and make mad, passionate
love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways.  As they walk along, the Earth male asks, "Well, was
it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she says, "but it was pretty wonderful.  How about
you?"
"It was OK," he replies, "but a little weird.  The whole time she was
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 15:34:13 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Sneeze (Adult)

A woman is riding on a plane next to another man in first class.  The man
sneezes hard, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't
believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass.  The man sneezes again.  He pulls out his penis and wipes
the tip off.  The woman is about to go nuts.   She can't believe that such a
rude person exists.

A few minutes pass.  The man sneezes yet again.  He takes his penis out and
wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough.  She turns to the man and
says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis
from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of
degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am.  I have a very
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange.  What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and grins and says, "Pepper, of course".........


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 09:38:04 -0500
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: 2 adult jokes

What do you call a 411-pound woman who likes both men and women?

A bisexual built for two.

  ---

Hey, man, you look terrible," Sam remarked to his frat brother Jason.
"What's up?"

"Three months ago my aunt Sally died--and left me $15,000," replied Jason.

"Sorry to hear that. Is that why you're bummed out?"

Jason shook his head. "Two month ago my grandpa Silver died--and left me
$66,000."

"Two deaths in two months," Sam said. "That's depressing."

"But this last month," Jason sighed, "nothing."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 10:04:04 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor>  Veggie Rights!!!

 The following was forwarded to me by a friend who received it from
 the proud father (a Mr. Carl Metzger) of a young woman who gives
 me some hope for the younger generation.

 From: crmetzger@CCGATE.HAC.COM

 Melissa has been at Schreiner College at Kerrville for the past few months
 and just sent me this little piece that she wrote in her spare moments
 between classes.  Bizarre child.
			----------------------------------

 Vegetables, our culture so often overlooks them.  There is an organization
 or at least a small group of well-meaning citizens willing to defend every
 other classification of thing--living, dead, and inanimate.  We protect our
 children.  We stand up for the rights of minorities, majorities, women, and
 even those who happen to be left-handed.  We have programs to clean up our
 lakes, streams, and air.  Many communities have established recycling
 programs.  There are myriad organizations for those things which are scarce
 (with the exceptions of intelligence and common sense), such as the
 tropical rain forests, the American bald eagle, and hair.  There are even
 large groups of people, composed mainly of vegetarians, who protect the
 rights of cows, chickens and pigs, which were born and bred to become
 dinner, to live.  Where do poor, defenseless vegetables fit in?
 Unfortunately, they have been forgotten.

 I say: Save the soybean!  Long live lettuce!  Let brussel sprouts be!
 Protect the peas!  Since the beginning of time, all creatures great and
 small, human beings included, have taken advantage of the vegetable.  Yes,
 many grow on vines, bushes, and below the earth, but that is no reason for
 them to be ignored.  Never in your life have you seen, nor are you likely
 to see, a vegetable rights activist prancing around farms and carrying
 signs at harvest time.  No one even bats an eyelash as the bodies of
 vegetables are sold in grocery stores.  Nobody cares about the fact that
 every time we consume tomatoes, oranges, cucumbers, or anything else
 containing seeds that we are simultaneously committing sexual harrassment
 and supporting abortion.  The so-called "meat" surrounding the seeds of a
 vegetable is actually an ovary and the seeds are unborn children.  Would
 you like it if someone was licking and chewing YOUR ovaries and eating YOUR
 children?!?  I think not.  Yet, we commit these vulgar acts without even a
 second thought about the vegetable's opinion on the matter.

 Please, give the vegetable a voice.  Join the fight for the vegetable's
 right!  Eat chicken and their incredible, edible eggs.  Don't put on the
 porking brake.  Beef, it's what's for dinner.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 09:27:21 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Sex Education

 An eight-year-old girl went out to her father who was pottering about
 in the garden one evening and asked:  "Daddy, what's sex?"
 The man was rather surprised but decided if she was old enough to ask
 the question, she was old enough to get a straight answer.  So he sat
 her down and told her all about the birds and the bees; the egg and the
 sperm;  the man and the woman, the whole lot.  When he was finished he
 asked his daughter:  "Why did you ask this question?"
 She looked a bit puzzled and said:  "Well, Mom just told me to come out
 and tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 09:35:30 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: JOKE CLEAN: Chicken Quotes: The Authors

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

9. The Authors

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Aesop: The grass is always greener on the other side of the
road.

Dante Alighieri: For liberty What is liberty but the
unhampered translation of will into act?

Isaac Asimov: The third law of Chickens states that a
chicken must protect its own existence as long as such
protection does not injure a human being or disobey an order
of a human being.

Albert Camas:
(1) The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really upset
    him. as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he crossed just
    because the sun got in his eyes.
(2) It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have
no meaning except to him.

Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

Thomas De Quincy: Because it ran out of opium.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: To be great is to be misunderstood. It
embarked on a quest for truth in a society that is in
conspiracy against the manhood of everyone of its roosters.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made
it do it.

John Grisham: The phone in the chicken coop was bugged.

Robert Heinlein: To grok.

Ernest Hemingway: (1) To die. In the rain.
                  (2) Ask me not for whom the chickens cross.
                      They cross for thee.

James Joyce:
(1) Once upon a time, a nice little chicken named baby tuckoo crossed
    the road and met a moocow coming down.
(2) To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated conscience of
    its race.

H. P. Lovecraft: To escape the eldritch, cthonic, rugose,
polypous, indescribably horrible abomination not from our
space-time continuum.

H. C. Mencken: There's no underestimating the intelligence
of the American chicken.

John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.

George Orwell:
(1) Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was
    crossing the road of his own free will, when he was only serving
    their interests.
(2) To show the cattle and sheep it could be done. The pigs being more
    equal did not need the lesson.

Ayn Rand: Every chicken crossing was made in the name of an
altruistic motive. Has any act of selfishness ever equalled
the carnage perpetrated by disciples of altruism?

George Bernard Shaw: (1) The reason is that there are no reasons.
                     (2) Attempting to stop the chicken is an extreme
                         form of censorship.

William Shakespeare:
(1) A chicken with any other name would cross the same.
(2) To Cross or not to cross? That is the question.
        (3) I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a
hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

Gertrude Stein: The road? There is no there.

Hunter S. Thompson: Out of despair and fear.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately... and suck all
the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly
exaggerated.

Voltaire:
(1) I dont' believe the chicken should cross the road, but I'll defend
    to the death his right to do so.
(2) Chickens have these advantages over man: they have no theologians
    to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one
    starts lawsuits over their wills.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 15:26:53 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: A few brickbats & a cautious poem

One advantage of being stupid is that you never get lonely.

Sick of raking? Do what my husband does. He's in the backyard
vacuuming the trees.

My husband accused me of loving our dog more than I love him. I told
him not to be ridiculous. I love them both the same.

I'm about to tell my wife I wrecked the new car. I hope they can find
my body.

The simple way to handle the Saddam Hussein mess is to send an IRS
audit team to Iraq.

I saw a truck the other day with a "Give Wildlife a chance" tag and a
dead deer strapped across a rack in the truck bed.

My dentist asked me if I floss religiously. I told him yes, I floss
more often than I go to church.

Soemone should tell the University of Alabama that their
ex-football-coach, Bill Curry, is available.

When life gives me lemons, I make a whiskey sour and go to bed.

If your lips would keep from slips,
Of five things have a care:
To whom you speak, of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 15:16:08 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Strange but True!!!

 In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the
 corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he
 is unacquainted."

 In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same
 time.

 In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs,
 cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

 In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants
 that do not match.

 In St.  Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and
 drink beer from a bucket.

 In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on
 your hands.

 In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story
 window within the city limits.  It's also illegal to take a lion to the
 movies.

 In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while
 standing in front of a man's picture.

 In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in
 public (includes legs and face).

 In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house
 together because that constitutes a brothel...  however up to 120 men can
 live together, without breaking the law.

 In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her
 husband's permission.

 In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must
 stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road
 to be cleared of livestock, and continue."

 In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway
 within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or
 unless she be armed with a club."

 An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statute
 shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200
 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 15:56:14 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Size DOES count!  <slightly risque'>

In view of recent events and attitudes in the Middle East, it may be
appropriate to repeat a joke from the past:

Q  Who has the biggest dick in the world?

A  Saddam Hussein.  There's no END to that prick!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 16:52:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: How did you know?

From: KEarlAdams@aol.com

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter
of kittens.  On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,
"There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think
it's printed on the bottom.

---
Bought some powdered water.....what do I add to it?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 18:18:28 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: back to the future

got this from a friend ...

If any of you remember the movie "Back to the Future II" you will recall
that Bif goes to the future and steals a Sports Almanac, where in turn he
goes back to the past to give it to young Bif.  As we all know Young Bif
was able to become very wealthy by betting on games where he already knew
the final score.

In an obscure line you hear young Bif say "Florida is going to win the
World Series in 1997, yeah right"

This movie came out in 1987, ten years before the Marlins did actually win
the world series.  And what's really weird is that Florida didn't even
have a baseball team in 1987.

dodedoodoo dodeedoodoo dodeedoodoo..................  (twilite zone muzik)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 18:55:51 PST
From:    david jeffries <david_jeffries@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Michael Hutchence <extremely sick; offensive to INXS fans>

Q: What was Michael Huntchence's last hit.
A: The door when the chamber maid entered the room.

Q) How do you re-unite INXS?
A) Get 4 more leather belts.

Q) What does Michael Hutchence have that Bob Geldof doesn't?
A) A widow.

Q) Why does Michael Hutchence prefer to stay at the Ritz Carlton, Double
Bay when he is in Sydney?
A) Because it is a cool place to hang.

Q: Did you hear that Elton John will sing at Michael Hutchences funeral?
A: Yeh, he has rewritten the words to "The Swing" by INXS.

Q: What was the last thing to go through Michael Hutchence's mind?
A: "This belt is too tight".

Does Michael Hutchence play golf?
No, he is too much of a choker.

What was Michael Hutchence's last drink?
He had a quick belt.

What do Michael Hutchence and INXS groupies have in common?
They just hang around near the hotel door.

Why did Paula Yates like Michael Hutchence?
Because he was well hung.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Nov 1997 09:23:12 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Preparing For The Exam <adult>

Zail Singh was preparing for his MBA exams..
He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part.
One day when he was reading ,Rajiv came home.

RAJIV: Zailsinghji, How is your MBA preparation?
Zail Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
RAJIV: Logic is very easy.
Zailsingh: Can you give me an example,so that I can understand.
RAJIV:  OK,Do you have fish pot in your house?
Zail :  YES.
RAJIV:  Logically, there will be water in it.
Zail :  YES.
RAJIV:  Logically, there will be fish in it.
Zail :  YES.
RAJIV:  Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Zail:   YES.
RAJIV:  I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Zail :  YES.
RAJIV:  so, Logically, you are married.
Zail:   YES.
RAJIV : SO, logically you are not homo sexual.
Zailsingh was very glad that he understood logic.

Next day he sees Buta Singh who was also preparing  for MBA.
Zail:   How is your MBA preparation?
BUTA :  Everything is fine except for the logic.
Zail :  oh, logic is easy Rajiv explained me yesterday.
BUTA :  Please give me an example ...
Zail :  Do you have a fish pot in your house?
BUTA :  NO, I dont.
Zail :  Then your are homo sexual!


* Two rules for life:
     1. Don't tell people everything you know.
     2.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Nov 1997 to 25 Nov 1997
************************************************
