HUMOR Digest - 23 Nov 1997 to 24 Nov 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 404 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Happy Anniversary
  2. JOKE CLEAN: Chicken Quotes: Historic Figures
  3. More turkey humor
  4. Men, Women & Relationships
  5. Learn Golf (Adult Theme)
  6. Joke Clean: Chicken Quotes: Religious and Foreign Leaders
  7. A favorite quote about modern journalism
  8. Johnny Again <adult>

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Date:    Sun, 23 Nov 1997 02:39:21 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Happy Anniversary

*   With its continuing interest in the Internet, the local media in
  Baltimore Maryland descended upon the residence of Mrs JimJr when
  it was learned that her husband had posted jokes daily for a year
  on this date, breaking all previous records world-wide.
    When asked how it felt to be married to JimJr, Mrs JimJr promptly
  responded, "Who ?"
                                - - - - -

*   One message I received on the occasion was from a group of Nazi
  feminists who said I had set the women's movement back ten years
  with all my sexist humor posted on here.
    Damn !!!  And all this time...  I was shooting for 30 at least !
                                - - - - -

* One thing I've learned on here and that's the true feeling of total
  exhilaration.  It's that feeling you get when you think of a REALLY
  funny joke, & before the one when you realize what's wrong with it.
                                - - - - -

* I have a devoted fan in Nova Scotia who almost always sends me an
  e-mail concerning my jokes.  One morning, I got a message from her
  about how great the jokes were for the day.  I sent back a message
  that I hadn't posted them yet.  She sent a note right back saying
  that due to the time difference, they had already appeared there.
                                - - - - -

* I've posted comments before from my fan mail, but this one has to be
  another classic:  "Sir, I have read your material for about a year
  now, and have come to the conclusion that it should not be lightly
  tossed aside.  It should be thrown with great force."
                                - - - - -

* In retrospect, I guess the funniest thing that happened to me on here
  this past year was the response I received to my Spanish in Brazil
  joke.  I should like to personally thank all 247 people who wrote to
  clarify the official language of that country.  At least, now I know
  that Latin is spoken in Brazil, and not Spanish.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 22 Nov 1997 23:42:02 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: JOKE CLEAN: Chicken Quotes: Historic Figures


WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

6. Historic Figures

John Adams: The crossing of the road is so bold, sop daring,
so firm intrepid and inflexible and it must have so
important consequences, and so lasting, that I can't but
consider it an epoch in history.

Marie Antoinette: I told them to eat cake. They had to find it.

Neil Armstrong: It was one big step for poultry.

Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.

Christopher Columbus: To prove the world was round.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken
and I'll find out.

Benjamin Franklin: Early to cross, early to lay, makes a hen
healthy with more time to play.

Nathan Hale: He regrets that he has only one road to cross
for his flock.

Hannibal: To avoid the elephants.

Patrick Henry: For liberty or death.

Theodore Hertzel: To return to the promised land.

Sir Edmund Hillary: Because it was there.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.

Thomas Jefferson:
(1) In the course of avian events, all chickens are created equal, and
    have the inalienable right of freedom to travel as they desire.
(2) for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

Ponce de Leon: He was seaching for the Fountain of Youth.

Abraham Lincoln: We highly resolve that this chicken shall
have not crossed in vain, but that this nation, under God,
shall have shall have a new freedom and this nation shall
not perish from the earth.

Charles Manson: It was Helter Skelter.

Karl Marx: (1) It was a historical inevitability.
           (2) To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Cotton Mather: She is a witch in league with the devil, who
must be Bar-B-Qued on the stake.

Carrie Nation: To do the work of the lord and fight the
evils of the demon rum.

Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.

Rasputin: She did it under my control and orders.

Anastasia Rominoff: To prove her royal heritage.

Sappho: Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side,
more fair than all of Hellas' fine armies.

General Phillip Sheridan: The only good chicken is a fried chicken.

Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?

George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me
back in 1776. But most history books don"t reveal that I
bunked with a birdie during the duration.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Nov 1997 07:50:21 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: More turkey humor

  Several days ago I posted a "recipe" for cooking a turkey.
  A friend sent this response.

> Oh, and Penny asked if cooking a turkey is anything like dating a turkey?
>
>           HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Nov 1997 13:42:18 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Men, Women & Relationships

           GREAT QUOTES OF MEN, WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS

 When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman
 already knows. -- Frederick Ryder

 Men get laid, but women get screwed. -- Quentin Crisp (English writer)

 Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place. -- Billy
 Crystal.

 I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only
 put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave? -- Beverly Mickins
 (American comedienne)

 Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So
 that we may love you instead of laugh at you. -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell
 (English actress)

 A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four
 times; her intelligence, eight times. -- Sanskrit proverb

 There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
 there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think,
 "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
                                                  -- Jerry Seinfeld

 March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
 -- Anonymous

 Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
 -- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)

 A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses
 hers after four kisses. -- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

 When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When
 men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
  -- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

 Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let
 her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have
 it. -- Lyndon B. Johnson

 Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and
 make thousands miserable? -- Carrie Snow

 The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer
 for her first question. -- Anonymous

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Nov 1997 17:26:13 -0500
From:    Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Learn Golf (Adult Theme)

Recently Priscilla said to me, Doug, it is about time you learned
to play golf --- you know, that's the game where you chase a ball
all over the country when you are too old to chase women.

So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to
play.  He said -- sure, you've got balls, haven't you?  I said yes
-- but sometimes on cold mornings they're kind of hard to find.
Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow, he said, and we will tee off.
What's tee off, I asked?  Her said it's a golf term and we have to
tee off in front of the clubhouse.  Not for me, I said, you can tee
off there if you want to, but I'll tee off behind the barn,
somewhere.  No, no, he said, a tee is a little thing about the size
of your little finger.  Yeah, I've got one of those.  Well, he
said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.
I asked, do you play golf sitting down?  I always thought you stood
up and walked around.  You do, he said, you're standing up when you
put your ball on the tee.

Well, I thought that was stretching things a little too far.

He said, You've got a bag, haven't you?  Sure, I said.  He said,
your balls are in it, aren't they?  Of course, I told him.   Well,
he said, can't you open the bag and take one out?  I said I suppose
I could, but damned if I was going to.  He asked if I didn't have
a zipper on my bag, but I told him no, I'm the old fashioned type.

Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club.  Well, after
seventy+ years I should have some sort of an idea.  He said, you
take your club in both hands -- well, I knew right then he didn't
know what he was talking about.  Then he said you swing it over
your shoulder.  No, no, that's not me, that's my brother Harry
you're thinking about.  He asked me, how do you hold your club, and
before I thought, I said, in two fingers.  He said that wasn't
right and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to
bend over and he would show me how.  He couldn't catch me there,
because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.

He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.
I said I could well imagine.  Then he said, and when you're on the
green -- what's the green, I asked.  That's where the hole is, he
said.  Sure you're not color blind, I asked.  No, then you take
your putter -- What's the putter, I asked.  That's the smallest
club made, he said.  That's what I've got, a putter.  And with it,
he said you put your ball in the hole.  I corrected, you mean the
putter?  He said the ball, the hole isn't bit enough for the ball
and the putter.  Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and
wagon.  Then he said, after you make the first hole, you go on to
the next seventeen.

He wasn't talking to me.  After two holes I'm shot to hell.  You
mean, he said, you can't make eighteen holes in one day?  Hell no,
it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, and besides, how do I
know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?  He said the flag would go
up...

That would be just my luck.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Nov 1997 17:28:32 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: Chicken Quotes: Religious and Foreign Leaders

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

7. The Religious

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said
unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the
Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Buddha:
(1) If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
(2) It wa contemplating the beauty of the world and enjoying nature.

Confucius: Chicken who first look both way, lives to see another day.

Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of
its sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the
souls not only of the silently waiting hens but also the
roosters, who felt a sudden sexual desire for their
exquisite comrade. The dark courage of the chicken was as
beautiful a drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck by a
partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the
deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of its
moment no more and bit off the head of the beautiful
courageous chicken-hero, whose wine blood was deliciously
drunken by the road, and he died.

Mohammed: (1) It is the mother of all chickens
          (2) It is not for the chicken to cross the road but
              for the road to come to the chicken.

Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that
has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the
road doth so for its own preservation.

Mary Baker Patterson: To cure itself.

The Pope: That is only for God to know.

Pope John Paul: Crossing the road is a sin that risks
eternal damnation.

Junipero Sierra: To spread the word to his flock.

The Vedas: It was its karma.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

8. The Foreign Leaders

Ami Amin: A hundred chicken heads will fall for this
dastardly act.

Winston Chirchill: Out of blood sweat and tears.

Mahatma Ghandi: It was an act of non-aggretion.

Adolf Hitler: (1) A Jewish conspiracy
              (2) It needed Lebensraum.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on
it.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to
make my omelet.

Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.

Simon Wisenthal: To tract down perpetuators of the holocaust
against chickens.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Nov 1997 21:23:31 -0500
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: A favorite quote about modern journalism

"The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no
news, we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were."
               - David Brinkley

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Date:    Mon, 24 Nov 1997 09:25:52 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Johnny Again <adult>

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo,
and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the
Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Litte Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny
was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs
are so big she can only "fasten 8."


* Two rules for life:
    1. Don't tell people everything you know.
    2.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Nov 1997 to 24 Nov 1997
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