HUMOR Digest - 22 Nov 1997 to 23 Nov 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 235 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Professionals <some adult humor>
  2. English do the chicken test (fwd)
  3. A Christmas Poem
  4. Some Smiles
  5. A little spelling lesson(one dubious word)
  6. Humor -  Hustling On The Hill

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Date:    Sat, 22 Nov 1997 03:15:55 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Professionals <some adult humor>

*   Max, a well known English professor, was telling a colleague
  that he was caught "in flagrante delicto" by his wife while he
  was in bed with one of his students.
    "Whatever did you do old boy ?" asked the other professor.
    "Well, she's standing there yelling that she's surprised. And
  I merely said, 'No my dear, you are shocked, I am surprised'."
                                - - - - -

*   A new member of a Synagogue is talking to the Rabbi: "You have
  such a small congregation.  How can they afford to pay you ?"
    The Rabbi said, "Well, I only earn $60 a week."
    The man is dumbfounded.  "Rabbi, how in the world can you get
  by on an amount that small ?"
    "Well, I tell ya.  If I wasn't such a religious man and didn't
  fast three days a week, I'd probably starve to death."
                                - - - - -

*   A senior citizen goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, I have
  sex only once a week."
    The doctor asks, "How old are you ?"
    The patient replies "Seventy-five."
    "Wait now.  You're 75 and have sex once a week.  I think that's
  wonderful.  What are you complaining about ?"
    "My neighbor is almost eighty years old, and he says he has sex
  three times a week, every week."
    The doctor smiled and said, "I can easily solve your problem.
  From now on, you say the same thing."
                                - - - - -

* A speech therapist has an unusual cure for people with speaking
  problems.  See, what you do is fill your mouth with marbles, then
  you must learn to speak through the marbles.  Each day, you take
  one out.  Then, after you've lost all your marbles...
                                - - - - -

* Earl Weaver, a former manager of the Baltimore Orioles baseball
  team, had a bad reputation for arguing with umpires.  Once during
  such a debate, Earl could tell the Ump was getting mad.  He put
  his arm around the umpire and said, "I'm not really mad, this is
  just for the TV audience."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 22 Nov 1997 09:52:36 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: English do the chicken test (fwd)

This came through on another humorous list I'm on.

True story, as heard on "Late Late Show with Tom Snyder" 3/3/97:

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun, whose purpose it is to launch
dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields
of airline jets, military jets, and the space shuttle, at that vehicle's
maximum travelling velocity.  The idea being, that it will simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore
determine if the windshields are strong enough.

British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun
out on the windshield of their new high speed trains. However, upon the
firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered
the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's
backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the  results of the experiment, along
with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any
suggestions.

The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the chicken."

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Date:    Sat, 22 Nov 1997 10:55:06 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Christmas Poem

     Downtown they've put up Christmas lights,
     And decked the streets with tinsel bright.
     The windows of each store you see
     Contain at least one Christmas tree.
     In shopping centers everywhere
     Christmas carols fill the air.
     And Santa's broad and merry face
     Is seen in almost every place.
     From all these signs, one thing is clear...
     ...Thanksgiving Day is drawing near!

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Date:    Sat, 22 Nov 1997 11:56:59 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Some Smiles

                       How many (not off.)
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
 their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man,
 "Congratulations, You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence" the
 man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

 The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are
 the father of triplets." "Wow, what a coincidence" he replies. "I work
 for the 3M Corporation."

 When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has
 birth to quadruplets. "Another coincidence  I work for the Four Seasons
 Hotel."

 At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask
 what's wrong. "What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up."
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                       Brrrrrr (off. to women)

 A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came
 upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
 There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only
 one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the
 bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped
 up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm
 cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it
 on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and
 started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm
 still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket
 on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed,
 she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and
 said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no
 one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun
 said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and
 get your own stupid blanket!"
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                       Up the Corprate Ladder

 A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to
 be able  to get  to the top of yonder tree", sighed  the pheasant, "but I
 haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble  on some of my
 droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed  with nutrients".

 The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
 enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day,
 after eating some  more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
 Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
 tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,
 emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the
 tree.

                   Moral of the Story:

 Bullshit might get  you to  the  top, but it won't keep you there.

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Date:    Sat, 22 Nov 1997 19:28:00 -0000
From:    John Baggaley <johnbaggaley@ENTERPRISE.NET>
Subject: A little spelling lesson(one dubious word)

Jim Moore's owl cracker
 >* One owl to another: "How many times must I tell you --
 > it's 'whoooooooo' not 'whommmmmmm' ?"
reminded me of another old chestnut

Two Indian doctors were having a discussion:
 'I tell you it is spelt W-O-O-M'.
 'NO, it's definitely spelt W-H-O-O-M'.
 An old lady passing by remarked
 'Gentlemen, I'm afraid that you're both wrong . It's actually spelt W-O-M-B'.
One doctor turns to the other and declares 'I bet she's never even SEEN
a hippotamus let alone heard one fart underwater'!

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Nov 1997 21:50:59 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor -  Hustling On The Hill

Is he lobbying? Larry Flynt sends freebies to Washington officials.

WASHINGTON (CNN)(C) -- The perpetually controversial publisher of Hustler
has sent free subscriptions of the magazine to the president, the vice
president, the Supreme Court justices and House and Senate members.

 Larry Flynt's unsolicited mailing was first reported in Friday's
Washington Post. "Your constituents already love Hustler for its humor,
reviews, investigative journalism and unadulterated sex," Flynt told
recipients in a cover letter. "That's why we call our publication America's
Magazine.

 "Confidentially, many of your peers in the Senate and the House of
Representatives (not to mention higher government offices) already read
Hustler," he added. "We are happy to keep all of you up-to-date."

 No word yet on whether Hugh Hefner is going to match this bipartisan show
of generosity.


Note - Larry Flint is a favorite target of anti-porn zealots because his
Hustler Magazine prints explicit, no holds barred material. Flint is also
noted for his courageous and outspoken stand for freedom of the press. The
courts have upheld his claim for freedom of the press on several occasions.
Hugh Hefner publishes Playgirl Magazine.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Nov 1997 to 23 Nov 1997
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