HUMOR Digest - 21 Nov 1997 to 22 Nov 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 686 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Marital Q&A <adult>
  2. Joke Clean: Chicken Quotes: The Scientists
  3. To the Dogs
  4. Phone repairman <inoff>
  5. A couple..... (off. to nuns/women)
  6. The Most venomous Snake In The World
  7. <humor> Hubby ate the cat food [sexual theme]
  8. from my childhood
  9. Natural Balloons (adult)
 10. Will Rogers (Not Off)
 11. Cynical comments, questions and a bookist poem
 12. Acapulco gold (off to Canadians?)
 13. Humor - Reno A Hit In JAPAN?
 14. TOP 10 THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF..... (suggestive)
 15. JOKE CLEAN: Chicken Quotes: The Social Scientists
 16. HMOs

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 10:02:59 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Marital Q&A <adult>

Q.  How do you make your wife scream during a sexual act?
A.  Wipe your penis on the curtains...

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 01:37:06 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: Chicken Quotes: The Scientists

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

4. The Scientists

Andre Ampere: To keep up with current events.

Archimedes: She was buoyant and excited at the thought of
new adventures.

Alexander Graham Bell: To get to the nearest phone.

Robert Boyle: She had been under too much pressure at home.

Marie Curie: She was radiating with enthusiasm as she
crossed the road.

Charles Darwin: (1)It was the logical next step after coming
down from the trees.

(2): Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally selected in such a way that they are now
genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

C. J. Doppler: For its effect on passer-bys.

Thomas Edison: She thought it would be an illuminating
experience.

Albert Einstein: (1) Whether the chicken crossed the road or
the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of
reference.

(2) It was a relatively easy thing to do.

Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole
principle. . Jean Foulcault: It didn't. The rotation of the
earth made it appear to cross.

Galileo: To get a better look at the stars.

Karl Gauss: Because of the magnetic personality of the
rooster on the other side.

Werner Heisenberg: (1) We are not sure which side of the
road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

(2)It was uncertain if it could make it, but wanted to try
on general principles.

Gustav Hertz: Lately, its been crossing with greater
frequency.

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

Friedrich Mesmer: It had been suggested when she was under
hypnosis.

Samuel Morse: She had an appointment. She wanted to be there
on the dot so she had to dash.

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest.
Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Georg Ohm: She resisted the idea at first.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other
side of the road.

Linus Pauling: To get some Vitamin C.

George Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet's
lectures.

Erwin Shrodinger: She had to get to the farm, or did she?

Alessandro Volta: There was a potential difference in her
future on the other side.

James Watt: It thought it would be a good way to let off
steam.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 04:52:12 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: To the Dogs

* Like it or not guys, we're operating at a disadvantage as far
  as "best friends" is concerned.  I mean think about it -- you
  always hear people say that a dog is a man's best friend.  Well,
  OK, fine.  But don't forget, diamonds are a girl's best friend.
  I know that says something -- I'm just not sure what.
                                - - - - -

* Small boy, with a worried look. looking up at a Great Dane:
  "Is he for me, or am I for him ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A sportsman went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number
  of birds, aided by a dog named "Hoss".  Next year he returned and
  asked for the same dog again.
    "Hound ain't no damn good anymore." said the lodge owner.
    "What happened ?" cried the sportsman, "was he injured ?"
    "No.  Some damn fool came down here and called him 'Boss' all
  week.  Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark."
                                - - - - -

* Husband arriving home with an enormous dog to indignant wife who
  is surrounded by 3 small children:  "But I did consult you --
  you said a Great Dane was the last thing we needed around here."
                                - - - - -

* Every lil' boy growing up should have a dog.  A dog teaches a boy
  fidelity, perseverance, loyalty and to turn around three times
  before laying down.
                                - - - - -

*   A Yuppette in Columbia Maryland went to an exclusive pet store
  in the Mall.  After inspecting quite a few dogs, she told the
  proprietor that they were all priced too high.
    "Madam," he retorted, drawing himself up haughtily. "Perhaps
  you had better go to a used cur dealer."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 07:15:21 -0500
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Phone repairman <inoff>

  A telephone repairman was working late in a big office
building and became lost.  After a long search of the rambling
first floor to find an exit, he spotted a woman at the end of
a corridor.
  "How do I get outside?" he asked.
   "Dial 9," she replied.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 07:45:50 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A couple..... (off. to nuns/women)

 Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter
 at the pearly gates. St Pete says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful
 lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be
 anyone you want".

 The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.

 The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.

 The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini". St. Peter looks perplexed.
 "Who?" he says.
  "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

 St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't
 ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands
 it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.

 He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline
 laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
			--------------------------

 How are women and rocks alike?
 You skip the flat ones.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 09:07:31 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Most venomous Snake In The World

 NAME : Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

 LOCATION: Throughout the world

 DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous
              spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its
              mood & sub-species.

 SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen,
           resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling
           followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is
           not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear
           lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent
           death.

 HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the
          most unusual places.

 ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the
           venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will
           ensure complete recovery.There is no known antidote for men.


                   WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

 TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the
             body to be affected.

 CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective
                    as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

 SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but
                    so far has not been reported to have led to any
                    success.

 MILKING THE SNAKE: 1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the
                       neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
                    2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and
                       downwards motion.
                    3. This will result in the snake becoming highly
                       aggressive and start spitting.
                    4 .The time taken for this milking process depends
                       entirely on the milker and the last time the snake
                       attacked.
                    5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about
                       20 minutes.

 CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not
             necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect,
             makes a wonderful pet.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 10:15:41 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Hubby ate the cat food [sexual theme]

From: <IrishRoseNY@compuserve.com>
Subject: Meow

 This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a
peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband
dinner when he gets home from work.  Well, one Thursday, she's playing a
great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time.
"Oh, no!  I have to go fix my husband his dinner!  He's going to be so
angry if it's not ready on time."  And she dashes out of her friend's
house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough
time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a
wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.  In a panic, she
opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the
lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.  She watches in horror
as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty
years of marriage.  You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!"  And
that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for
her husband.  She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all
horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain,"
but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards,
they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday
after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous.  "You
killed him!

We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!
How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you
murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.  He fell off the mantel
when he was licking his ass."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 11:55:28 -0500
From:    "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: from my childhood

Q:  Why did Greta Garbo put grass seed in her hair?

A:  Because she wanted to be a lawn.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 19:22:17 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Natural Balloons (adult)

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what
are those things on your chest?"  Unsure of how to reply, she tells
Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter
would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget.  The following morning he asked his father the
same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why
Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up
and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more
questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's
dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son!  Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming
'Oh God, I'm coming!"


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 12:55:50 -0500
From:    Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Will Rogers (Not Off)

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID - 14
                  (But probably wishes he had)

--A millionaire requested he be cremated and his ashes sent to
  the IRS wish this message:  "Now you have it all."

--The only people who really listen to an argument are the
  neighbors.

--Sign on high school bulletin board:  "Free every Monday through
  Friday - Knowledge.  Bring your own container."

--Music has been called medicine, but some of it is hard to take.

--Anyone who corrects all his/her mistakes is probably writing
  his/her memoirs.

--How in the world could  buffalo fly with those little tiny
  wings?


Doug's Joke Book

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 14:25:56 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Cynical comments, questions and a bookist poem

Homeless people may have no homes, or no food, but they always seem
to have cigarettes.

Cigarettes have been proven by the Department of Human Services to be
a leading cause of poverty.

Both Saddam Hussein and Paula Jones are just seeking a diplomatic
solution to problem.

I have decided that I would like to be cremated. I've always wanted
to go out in a blaze of glory.

Who writes these TV ads? Perhaps you have heard the ad that closes
with this punchline: "Turn your coins into hard cash." Aren't coins
the hardest cash we have?

I would like to see a jogger smiling. They all seem to be hurting.

Although there are a lot of trial marriages, there's no such thing as
a trial child.

In case war breaks out in the middle East again, I, as a patriotic
American, stand ready to send my brother-in-law.

I am in the 11th grade and if I do not paint like Picasso, the
teacher gives me an F.

Books are keys to wisdom's treasure.
Books are gates to lands of pleasure.
Books are paths that upward lead.
Books are friends. Come let us read.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 16:05:23 -0500
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Acapulco gold (off to Canadians?)

Prompted by JMoore's "Gone fishin'" and TerryG's "Signs you might
be Canadian" I am called upon to post this announcement I picked
up from somewhere a long time ago...

===
 I would like to report the following trophy fish, taken near
 Acapulco, Mexico: a world-record great white shark. The bait: a
 medium-salaried Canadian businessman, preferable to most other
 bait. The extreme whiteness of the winter Canadian draws great
 whites from a good distance, and the plump, consistently
 soft-textured flesh makes for a solid bite and firm hooking--no
 nibbling or spitting up. This particular bait came equipped with
 a good-quality flasher lure: a Rolex Oyster Date-Timer. The
 great thing about this lure is that it attracts the shark well
 into the evening. What's more, you can recover it and use it
 over and over. Highly recommended. Of course, I've yet to try
 all the businessmen bait on the market. One suspects that a
 sausage-fed German BMW executive, for instance, would obtain
 excellent results. However, the great availability of the winter
 Canadian makes him just about the best bait available on the
 southern beaches. Remember though: use him before he's been in
 the sun, or he'll likely be spoiled by mating red snapper. Good
 luck and good fishing.

Lopez Estrada
Acapulco, Mexico

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 15:58:21 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Reno A Hit In JAPAN?

 Janet Reno giggled Thursday over a story in a tabloid saying that among
Japanese men she was picked by 78 percent as the woman they would most like
to be marooned with on a desert island. "That's just amazing," she said.
The attorney general is featured on the cover of the Nov. 25 issue of the
Weekly World News, apparently in a swimsuit with the headline "U.S.
Attorney General Janet Reno ... as you've NEVER seen her before." An aide
said she asked for a copy of the article for her scrapbook. "She loved it,"
he said.

Source: Houston Chronicle.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 17:15:55 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: TOP 10 THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF..... (suggestive)

Thanks to gingersnap and Deja Vous


 Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day

  10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
   9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
   8. See if they could finally do splits.
   7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
   6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
   5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
   4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without
       sleeping first.
   3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded
       on video.
   2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

   and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .

   1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 18:54:33 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: JOKE CLEAN: Chicken Quotes: The Social Scientists

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

5. The Social Scientists

Alfred Adler: The feeling of inferiority rules the mental
life of the chicken. Crossing the road is an expression of
her will to power and a rejection of passivity.

Gordon Allport: It is an intergration of environmental
influences with its own inner potentiality and spontaneous
dynamisms.

Eric Ericson: To resolve internal crires and develop an ego
synthesis, and by doing so, become a functioning part of its
society and culture.

Sigmund Freud:
(1) The chicken was obviously female and obviously interpreted the pole
    on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which
    she was envious.
(2) The fact that you thought the chicken crossed the road reveals your
    underlying sexual insecurity
(3) A classic example of rooster envy! (Clean Version)

Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a
sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged
in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the
fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics
of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the
specific behaviors that figure most prominently in
sociobiological speculation.

Heinz Hartmannn: It is an adaptive mechanism to fit in with
the environment in order to gain satisfaction of its
instinctual needs and drives.

Karen Horney: To find her self-realization and
self-actualization, it is necessary to deal with the here
and now represented by the road and not with the past
experiences associated with the egg.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this
historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought
such occurrences into being . Melanie Klein: She was driven
by a primitive death instinct, an internalization of
significant object relations.

Heinz Kohut: It is a narcissistic transference due to
failure of parental empathy and acceptance.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: It is an emotional adaptation to the
environment, a final accptance of the necessity to cross
after periods of shock anddenial, anger, bargaining and
depression.

Kurt Lewin: Because it is a part of his life space.

Margaret Mead: It is a pubertal rite of passage, a
manifestation of coming of age.

Murphy: The chicken will invariably cross the road at the
worst possible time and the worst possible place.

Ivan Pavlov: He was conditioned to do so.

Otto Rank: As a rejection of the separation anxiety
resulting from the birth trauma of leaving the eggshell.

Willheim Reich: It was an attempt to resolve repressed
infantile conflicts over incestuous desires.

Carl Rodgers: (1) Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?
              (2)How do YOU feel about the chicken crossing the road?

B. F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had
pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop
in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even
while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Harry Stack Sullivan: To establish an interpersonal
relationship with the environment.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 20:50:54 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: HMOs

I don't know who wrote this, but it sounds like Dave Barry

Q. What does HMO stand for?
      A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its
 roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who
 discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in
 his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.  Modern practice
 replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as
 voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

      Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
      A. No.  Only those you need.

      Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose
 the doctor I want?
      A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your
 insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
 participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.
 These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no
 longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
 longer part of the plan.  But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who
 is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
 half day's drive away!

      Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
      A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when
 they want to talk about existing conditions.  Unfortunately, we appear
 to be pre-stuck with it.

      Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
      A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

      Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
      A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

      Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the
 name brand.  I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach
 ache. What should I do?
      A. Poke yourself in the eye.

      Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000
 yearly cap.  My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient
 surgery, but I'd already paid my bill.  What should I do?
      A. You have two choices.  Your doctor can sign the reimbursement>
check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in
 one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about,
 like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

      Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
      A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

      Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
      A. You really shouldn't do that.  You'll have a hard time seeing
 your primary care physician.  It's best to wait until you return, and
 then get sick.

      Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he
 can handle my problem.  Can a general practitioner really perform a
 heart transplant right in his office?
      A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the
 $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

      Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
      A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

      Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
      A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by
 then.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Nov 1997 to 22 Nov 1997
************************************************
