HUMOR Digest - 20 Nov 1997 to 21 Nov 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 419 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Gone Fishin'
  2. Signs You Might Be Too Canadian!  (off. to Cdns?)
  3. five surgeons
  4. humor: Sexual content <offensive to Iraqi's>
  5. How to cook a turkey
  6. Chicken Quotes: The Entertainers (Clean)
  7. Freak accident <groaner>
  8. Nine little barbs and a little bitty poem
  9. Nuns On The Road <adult>

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Date:    Thu, 20 Nov 1997 03:38:53 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Gone Fishin'

* Wife to husband while fishing: "I don't know, it still seems
  to me that the boot you caught yesterday put up more of a
  fight than that inner tube you caught today."
                                - - - - -

*   While I've not been very many times, I do enjoy deep sea
  fishing and have been fairly lucky in catching some good ones.
    To give you an idea, one time I caught a Marlin so big, it
  took a power winch to land it and a crane to get it off of the
  boat.  There were no scales large enough to weigh it, but to
  give you an inkling of just how large it was, Mrs. JimJr took
  a photo of the fish, and the picture weighed 7 pounds.
    I would have had it mounted, but none of the walls in our
  home were big enuff to display it.
                                - - - - -

* Wife to her husband returning from a weekend fishing trip:
  "Gesundheit !  What else did you catch ?"
                                - - - - -

* Wife after returning from fishing trip with husband to neighbor:
  "I did everything all wrong again today -- I talked too much and
  too loud.  I used the wrong bait.  I reeled in too soon and I
  caught more than he did."
                                - - - - -

* Shivering wife to husband while ice fishing: "Tell me again how
  much fun we're having -- I keep forgetting."
                                - - - - -

* (All purpose fish story)

  I've seen the mighty __________ off Acapulco and the battling
  __________ along the Florida Keys fight for _____ hours.  I've
  seen a maddened __________ swamp a dory off Wedgeport.  But for
  sheer __________ as well as ___________, I've seen nothing that
  can equal, pound per pound, a __________ like the one I caught
  at __________ last __________.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Thu, 20 Nov 1997 07:37:27 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Signs You Might Be Too Canadian!  (off. to Cdns?)

 This is for my Candian friends on the list.

  1. You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The
     Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven
     and Ed.
  2. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
  3. You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.
  4. You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88
     Calgary Olympics theme.
  5. You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.
  6. You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".
  7. You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.
  8. You think "Ed the Sock" is funny.
  9. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more
     change.
 10. You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the Avro Arrow
     and cursing the Diefenbaker government.
 11. You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting
     glimpses of The Tragically Hip.
 12. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's
     good enough protection for the  Prime Minister, is good enough for
     me!"
 13. You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments,
     including your favourites, "Burnt Toast!", "You know I canna read a
     word...", and "Kanata".
 14. You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words
     mean!!
 15. You advocate the abolition of responsible government, in favour of
     monarchist rule.
 16. You think there isn't enough Queen on our currency.
 17. You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the
     Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens
     to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
 18. You participate in Participaction!
 19. You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
 20. You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.
 21. You think Peter Kent is sexy.
 22. You think Brad Pitt is so-so.
 23. You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
 24. You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
 25. You think Great Big Sea isn't Maritime-centric enough.
 26. Your graduation formal dress was made of flannel.
 27. Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on.
 28. You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.
 29. You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if The Devil's
     Advocates made fun of you.
 30. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the
     missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
 31. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar
     added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal
     packaging.
 32. You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the 95
     Referendum.
 33. You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.
 34. You think Ashley MacIssac isn't celtic enough.
 35. You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and wonder why you keep
     seeing her reading news on the CBC.
 36. You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's
     "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do".
 37. You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.
 38. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling
     nauseous.
 39. You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.
 40. You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.
 41. You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno
     Awards. You wonder why  Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in
     all three. You scream passionately at the television  when your
     favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective
     academies.
 42. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
     You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
 43. You think -10 C is mild weather.
 44. You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.
 45. You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).
 46. You read rather than scanned this list.

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Date:    Thu, 20 Nov 1997 11:20:40 -0500
From:    "Dexter E. Gulledge" <gulledge@MAIL.PTDPROLOG.NET>
Subject: five surgeons

5 surgeons are taking a coffee break.
1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because
when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best.  Everything inside
them is in alphabetical order."
3rd responds: "Try electricians, man!  Everything inside THEM is color
coded."
4th intercedes:  "I like engineers... they always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end."
To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the
conversation, says: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest. There's
no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and butt are
interchangeable."

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Date:    Thu, 20 Nov 1997 10:38:34 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: humor: Sexual content <offensive to Iraqi's>

For some time there has been controversy in the sexual research field
about why the head of the penis should be larger than the shaft.  Some
British researchers did a thorough study of this on a 100,000 pound
grant and came to the conclusion it was to give the male more pleasure
during the sex act.  An American team, on a $250,000 grant, with an even
larger sample size, came to the conclusion it was to give the woman more
pleasure.

Well, there it stood until Sadam Hussein commissioned a study that cost
$1.50.  The Iraqi scientists came to the conclusion it was to keep the
hand from slipping off.  The $1.50 was for the hand cream.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Nov 1997 11:38:24 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: How to cook a turkey

  HOW TO COOK A TURKEY

  Step 1:  Go buy a turkey

  Step 2:  Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)

  Step 3:  Put turkey in the oven

  Step 4:  Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

  Step 5:  Set the degree at 375 ovens

  Step 6:  Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

  Step 7:  Turn oven the on

  Step 8:  Take 4 whisks of drinky

  Step 9:  Turk the bastey

  Step 10:  Whiskey another bottle of get

  Step 11:  Stick a turkey in the thermometer

  Step 12:  Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

  Step 13:  Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

  Step 14:  Take the oven out of the turkey

  Step 15:  Take the oven out of  the turkey

  Step 16:  Floor the turkey up off of the pick

  Step 17: Turk the carvey

  Step 18:  Get yourself another scottle of botch

  Step 19:  Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

  Step 20:  Bless the saying, pass and eat out

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Date:    Thu, 20 Nov 1997 09:31:54 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: Chicken Quotes: The Entertainers (Clean)

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

3. The Entertainers

P. T. Barnum: Because there is a foul born every minute.

Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?

Yoga Berra: The road's not crossed until its crossed.

Bennett Cerf: The lions on that side were more friendly; he crossed to get
to the other pride.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one to the most astonishing
events to grace tne annals of history. An historic unprecedented avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly
relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?

Clint Eastwood: Cross. Go ahead. Make my day.

W. C. Fields: The only good chicken is a dead chicken.

Clark Gable: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which,
thank goodness, are good, dahling.

Greta Garbo: It vanted to be alone.

Hugh Hefner: To express her sexual freedom.

Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

Marcel Marceau:  ...

Groucho Marx: (1) Chicken. You said the secret word and have won $100.00
(2)Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who
thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

Joe Miller That was no chicken, that was my wife.

Jack Nicholson: 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.

Annie Oakley: She was doin what comes naturally.

Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

Gene Roddenberry : To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone
think to ask "What the heck was the chicken doing walking around all
over the place anyway?"

O. J. Simpson:  It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time. =


Siskel & Ebert: =

Siskel: I don'2t know why it crossed the road, but I loved it. Thumbs up!

Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience wondering; the
chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the chicken
didn't emote very well. It couldn't even speak English! Thumbs down!

Red Skelton: He was a baaaad boy.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
but rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked
in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Flip Wilson: The devil made her do it.

Henny Youngman: Take this chicken ... please.

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Date:    Thu, 20 Nov 1997 12:44:16 -0600
From:    David Seppala <dseppala@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Freak accident <groaner>

Did you hear about the bearded lady that was killed in a "freak"
accident?


http://www.flash.net/~dseppala

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Date:    Thu, 20 Nov 1997 16:57:20 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Nine little barbs and a little bitty poem

I was in a car wreck the other day and I told the policeman that it
wasn't my fault. It was the asphalt.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people once a year and do it
when they are all asleep.

Any day now, the task force investigating the Atlanta bombings will
say they were caused by a mechanical failure.

Children are a great way to start people.

My ex-wife got married, and I'm unsure of what to do. Should I send
her husband a sympathy card or a thank-you note?

It's obvious that the guy who broke into our house doesn't have any
kids. He left all the Beanie Babies.

I wonder if Saddam has any close friends.

Have you noticed that people who have to go outside to smoke at work
work an hour less a day than the rest of us?

The Prasie you take, althought it be your Due;
  Will be suspected if it comes from you. (B. Franklin)

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Date:    Fri, 21 Nov 1997 09:14:19 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Nuns On The Road <adult>

Two nuns are traveling through Transylvania in their car.
They get stopped at a traffic light.  Suddenly, a diminutive vampire
jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the
abomination," shouts the second.
She switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he
clings on and hisses even more loudly!
"What'll I do now?", shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer.  I filled it up with Holy
Water in the Vatican!" says the second.
The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he
clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" screams the first nun.
"Show him your cross!" says the second.
So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD!!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Nov 1997 to 21 Nov 1997
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