HUMOR Digest - 18 Nov 1997 to 19 Nov 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 678 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Animal Crackers
  2. Jusus & Elvis similarities <may be off. to religious people>
  3. A Couple Jehovah's Witnesses Jokes <off. to J.W.'s)
  4. business ethics <inoff>
  5. Airline employee humor <off. to no one>
  6. Nine brickbats and a silly poem
  7. More "Monty" humor
  8. Masher <adult language>
  9. Humor - Weird Business News
 10. E-Mail Virus Alert
 11. DOS
 12. <HUMOUR> Exciting new technology challenges electronic media
 13. Xmas Top Ten Lists <adult>
 14. 101 Uses For AOL Disks! - Part 1/2 <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Nov 1997 03:45:23 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Animal Crackers

* One owl to another: "How many times must I tell you --
  it's 'whoooooooo' not 'whommmmmmm' ?"
                        - - - - -

* Two monkeys were discussing evolution: "You mean to
  tell me that I really am my keeper's brother ?"
                        - - - - -

* Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of
  rain on your roof ?"
                        - - - - -

* Male elephant as female elephant passes by: "WOW !
  What a perfect 258 - 314 - 297"
                        - - - - -

* Exasperated dragon on the field of battle: "Mother
  said there would be knights like this."
                        - - - - -

* One caterpillar to another, as they watch a butterfly:
  "You'll never get me up in one of those things."
                        - - - - -

* Chicken to turkey: "Only Thanksgiving and Christmas ???
  You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday."
                        - - - - -

* One cow to another: "Actually, I have no idea how it
  tastes.  Personally, I never touch the stuff."
                        - - - - -

* Mother rabbit to her small bunny: "A magician pulled
  you out of a hat.  Now stop asking questions."
                        - - - - -

* Mama bear to Papa bear: "Well... You might call it
  hibernating -- I call it 'goofing off'."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Nov 1997 11:37:22 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Jusus & Elvis similarities <may be off. to religious people>

Submitted with permission from Shaun Rossiter

Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me,
and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers.
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Nov 1997 06:40:14 -0500
From:    Sophie Kersey <Aerie15@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Couple Jehovah's Witnesses Jokes <off. to J.W.'s)

Q1: What do Jehovah's Witnesses hate about Halloween?

A1: All those strange people coming to their doors, asking for stuff.


Q2: Why are all Jehovah's Witnesses flat-chested?

A2: (make a pushing motion with your hands) Get off my porch!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Nov 1997 07:34:31 -0500
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: business ethics <inoff>

Michael took his 12-year-old son to his jewelry store one school holiday,
thinking it was time the young man learned a little about the business.  He
showed him diamonds, emeralds, watches, bracelets, the working of the cash
register, and the proper attitude toward customers.  The son absorbed it all.
 That afternoon, a fellow came in who exhibited interest in a $70 ring, which
he wound up purchasing for cash.  But the customer unwittingly gave Michael
two one-hundred-dollar bills stuck together, which Michael realized only
after the customer had just departed the store with his change and purchase.
 "Well, now you can learn another lesson.  You can learn about business
ethics," Michael expounded to his son.  "You mean, do you chase after that
man and give him his other hundred-dollar bill back?" the son asked.  "No,"
replied the dad, pocketing the hundred.  "I mean, do I tell my partner?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Nov 1997 08:44:23 -0500
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Airline employee humor <off. to no one>

A friend of mine at work mentioned his one.

John Gay was an employee of an airline, working in their MIS department.
Now all of us know that airline employees get to fly at ridiculously low
prices. However, they are usually wait-listed and are the last to get on
board. This makes it especially 'inconvenient' for them during peak
travel season. Be that as it may, it was at such a peak travel time that
our hero, with the unfortunate last name, wanted to travel. So he waited
and waited. At the last minute he was told that there was just one empty
seat, and he had it. He boarded the plane. When he approached his seat,
he noticed that it was already occupied by a loquacious person, chatting
away with the neighbour. He also noticed that another seat, some
distance behind, was empty. Good soul that he was, he proceeded to
occupy the empty seat, not wishing to disturb the chatterbox.

Usually the employees are the last to sit and the plane begins to taxi
off almost immediately. However, this flight continued to wait. Each
passing minute meant that John was about to get bumped off because the
plane was full and was waiting for the last paying passenger. He noticed
a stewardess approaching the seat he was supposed to be occupying and
knew what was coming. He got up and started to move up the aisle. As he
approached his seat, the stewardess reached it just before he did.
"Are you Gay?", she asked the person occupying his seat.
"Yes ...", came the surprising answer.
"Well, I'm sorry, but we cannot take you on this flight", the heroine
said.
"What do you mean?!" protested the chatterbox. "You cannot discriminate
against me just because of my sexual preference!".
Our hero could hardly believe his ears.
"Yeah, I'm gay too ... does that mean I am supposed to get off?", asked
a voice from across the aisle.
"I'm a lawyer, and I'll have you understand that this is completely
illegal", informed a third voice from the first class.

It took about 15 more minutes to explain the situation to everyone
concerned and the flight could take off!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Nov 1997 11:49:55 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Nine brickbats and a silly poem

If I'm ever accused of a serious crime, I want my case tried in
Boston.

What would happen if the au pair judge was assigned to the Unabomber
case?

He who buys a stucco house is the "stucee."

Who does one pull for in a confrontation between Bill Clinton and
Saddam Hussein?

I remember when conservatives and Republicans prided themselves on
their loyalty and patriotism.

Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to myself. I'm talking to
someone with good common sense.

Why is it that every time my wife tells me she's pregnant, I'm
watching a football game?

I heard my son tell his friend, "Home is where, when you go there,
they have to let you in."

More mangled dog breeds: crocker spaniels and English settlers.

Good sportsmanship we hail, we sing.
  It's always pleasant when you spot it.
There's only one unhappy thing:
  You have to lose to prove you've got it.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Nov 1997 11:01:44 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: More "Monty" humor

 I forwarded yesterday's posting about Field Marshall Montgomery to a
 colleague in England. He sent the response below.

 ...and another story about Monty in the desert:

 He always insisted that his soldiers should attend to their personal
 hygiene, even when water was at a premium. His instruction was to
 strip naked, then to wash down from the top of the head as far as
 possible, using what we call a 'face flannel', then wash from the
 feet up, as far as possible, then, to finish off, giving 'possible'
 a thorough wash too...

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 19 Nov 1997 01:05:01 -0500
From:    "Joel M. Rubin" <joelmarshall@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Masher <adult language>

A woman is having a drink at the bar when a guy sidles up to her and
says, "Pardon me, I couldn't help but notice that you have the most
beautiful breasts I've ever seen."
"Well, I never. You keep you filthy thoughts to yourself, you creep."
She gets up and moves to the other end of the bar.
He follows her over, sits down next to her and says "While you were
walking away, I noticed that you also have a perfect perky little ass."
"Sir, you are way out of line. I must ask you to leave me alone this
instant."
Undeterred, he replied "I tell you something else, I'd like to tip you
upside down, fill your p***y with beer and drink you dry"
"Sir, my husband will be arriving in ten minutes, and he's going to put a
serious hurting on you for saying such things to me."
Her husband arrives. The woman says "That greasy looking man over there
said I have nice breasts."
"I'll punch his lights out" replied the husband.
"He also said I have a perfect ass"
"He's really gonna get knocked out now." The burly husband said.
"That's not all, he said he wants to tip me upside down, fill my p*ssy
with beer and drink me dry"
"Well, uh, maybe we better get going. I don't want to mess with anyone
who can drink that much beer."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Nov 1997 16:51:00 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News

By Jim Barlow -  Business Columnist for Houston Chronicle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Taking business to a weird place.

              MONEY, MONEY, money, money, money.

 We want it. For the details of what we'll do it get it, here's another
edition of Weird Business News.

 Our Hard Job Award (nonprofit division) to Gavin MacLeod, the captain on
the TV show The Love Boat. He's the national spokesman for the impotence
awareness campaign of the American Foundation for Urologic Disease.

 The Let's Do Something Strange With Food and See if Any Reporter is Stupid
Enough to Write About It Award to the Nabisco Biscuit Co. They announced
results of the annual Oreo Stacking Contest. The winners -- there were two
age divisions -- stacked 22 and 23 Oreo cookies in 30 seconds.

 The Let's Go Down to the Liquor Store and Pass Some Bad Paper to Telecheck
Services, a company that checks checks cashed at retailers. The worst hit
retailers by bad check passers are liquor, jewelry, apparel and department
stores. They are 10 times as likely to be victims as automotive parts and
services stores. The overall losers in accepting bad checks are gambling
casinos.

 The Let's Have Another Piece of Pie Award to Gourmet's Choice Coffee Co.,
which boasts it sells the most expensive coffee in the world. A big
10-ounce bag costs $69.95 plus $5 shipping and handling. Bon appetit.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Nov 1997 19:29:51 -0500
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: E-Mail Virus Alert

        There is a new e-mail that is being sent via e-mail.
Do not open any e-mail that contains the subject:  E-Mail Virus Alert.
This e-mail will scramble the second paragraph of any e-mail you receive.

        If you do open an e-mail with fadfds gfg gfg fdgsf dgfdsgdfgf
rstrehgfhgf cvbh gdfhgd gfgfjnhg nbcv fdgfdhgf gfsag trtrtyhthfbfdbvcnvhbmf gfsdhgeh  fdfdhcvnvc wrewgfdb zxbcfdhg mhgkrrt fdhfdshgdfs

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Nov 1997 17:15:57 -0800
From:    Nathan Luppino <nluppino@LINKNET.KITSAP.LIB.WA.US>
Subject: DOS

                      C:\DOS
                      C:\DOS\RUN
                      RUN\DOS\RUN

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 19 Nov 1997 10:15:57 +0800
From:    Dr Michael Robertshaw <MROBERT@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> Exciting new technology challenges electronic media

Subject: Technological breakthrough

Announcing a new device called, "BOOK," an acronym for "Built-in Orderly
Organized Knowledge."

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.
It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair
by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a
CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works...

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder
which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.  Opaque Paper
Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet,
doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.

Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information
density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This
makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism
from the mobile computing crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into
your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK
may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never
crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it
can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you
to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.

Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
any selected information for instant retrieval.  An optional "BOOKmark"
accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a
previous session -even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal
design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various
manufacturers. Conversely, numerous bookmarkers can be used in a single
BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is
limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional
programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication
Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that
thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for
a flood of new titles soon.

--
Passed on by Roger Eggleton

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Nov 1997 20:15:06 -0800
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: Xmas Top Ten Lists <adult>

The Top Ten Lists:

"Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage"
As presented on the 12/12/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange
    students
 9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
 8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
 7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday
    Barbie
 6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
 5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New
    Jersey
 4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because
    he's bugged the bedroom
 3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the
    elves their morning coffee
 2. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the
    fireplace
 1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants

"Signs You Won't Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus This Year"
As presented on the 12/11/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
 9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at
    the embezzlement trial
 8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
 7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply
    closet"
 6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the
    way out"
 5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to
    wear pants
 4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under
    avalanche of stolen office supplies
 3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks
    your jaw
 2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared
    78 times
 1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets


"Rejected Holiday Specials"
As presented on the 12/10/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. "Gallagher Smashes Melons in Bethlehem"
 9. "A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson"
 8. Fox TV's "When Reindeer Attack!"
 7. "A Country Holiday with Martha Stewart and a Bunch of Actors
    Pretending to Be Her Family"
 6. "The Grinch Who Nailed Mrs. Claus"
 5. "Christmas at Riker's Island: It's A Wonderful 10-Years-to-Life"
 4. "Bob Dole Remembers the Very First Christmas"
 3. "Skunk =91n' Gator's Holiday Fiesta"
 2. "The President Who Ate Christmas"
 1. "Richard Simmons' Fruitcake Extravaganza"

"Department Store Santa Pet Peeves"
As presented on the 12/09/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin
 9. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it
 8. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "America's Most
    Wanted"
 7. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of Skoal
 6. That billionaire elf from Texas who won't shut up about running for
    president
 5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School
 4. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
 3. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he
    got back from 'Nam
 2. Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?"
 1. Two words: lap rash

"Things Overheard in Santa's Workshop"
As presented on the 12/04/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. "Whose tiny fingers are these in the table saw?"
 9. "The Keebler Elves? Yeah, making cookies...there's a tough gig"
 8. "Hey, Santa, it's Anna Nicole Smith on the phone for you"
 7. "You know Rudolph's =91naturally red nose'? Collagen injection"
 6. "Uh-oh -- looks like fat boy drank his lunch again"
 5. "Shut down the assembly line for the =91Central Park West' action
    figures"
 4. "Which gifts should we plant at O.J.'s house?"
 3. "Whew! Mia Farrow sure has a lot of kids!"
 2. "Someday I'm gonna make it outta here, just like Ross Perot did"
 1. "It may be jiggling like a bowl of jelly, but it ain't his tummy"

"Least Popular Christmas Carols" (as sung by the Late Show Carolers)
As presented on the 12/03/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. "I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King"
 9. "Boris the Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had an 86-Proof Nose"
 8. "Im Searching For the Real Killers With Every Round of Golf I Play"
 7. "Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going to Jail for One-to-Three"
 6. "Influenza, Influenza, Influenza, Influenza"
 5. "O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie"
 4. "Frosty the Crackhead Had a Crack Pipe Full of Crack"
 3. "I Have an Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum"
 2. "O.J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty"
 1. "Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants in a Cheap Hotel Room"

"Signs the Person Answering the Butterball Turkey Hotline is Nuts"
As presented on the 11/26/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMA

10. Starts out by asking, "What are you wearing?"
 9. Keeps referring to product called "Vicks Vap-O-Gravy"
 8. Recommends thawing the turkey in your pants
 7. Wants you to look inside the turkey for contact lens he lost at the
    processing plant
 6. When you ask, "How often should I baste it?" he says, "Are we still
    talking about the turkey?"
 5. Tells you that when the timer pops up, you have ten seconds before the
    damn thing explodes
 4. Insists you cook turkey at six degrees for 450 hours
 3. Keeps interrupting to ask if you're planning to eat the bird or wear
    it as a hat
 2. Claims to have sailed from New York to the Bahamas in a gravy boat
 1. He tells you to go stuff yourself


"Signs You've Eaten Too Much"
As presented on the 11/29/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net
 9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump
    truck full of yams
 8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps
 7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker
 6. Strangers keep addressing you as "Mr. President"
 5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read "Good Lord!"
 4. You now have an ass the size of Plymouth Rock
 3. People keep looking at you and saying, "I thought the Macy's Parade
    was over"
 2. Your relatives can't go home because they're stuck in your
    gravitational field.
 1. You're sweatin' gravy, my friend!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 19 Nov 1997 09:33:11 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: 101 Uses For AOL Disks! - Part 1/2 <clean>

101 uses for AOL disks

Part 1

It's a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks...but with a little
imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky white
platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.

  1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door
     for knife).
  2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter.
  3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
  4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
  5. Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case...the
     "rich nerd" look is IN this year).
  6. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
  7. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
  8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
  9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry
     burn tiles.
 10. Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
 11. Room dividers for hamsters.
 12. Drink coasters.
 13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
 14. Ice scraper.
 15. Bathroom tile.
 16. Bookmark.
 17. Mini frisbee.
 18. Air hockey puck.
 19. Dog chew toy.
 20. Dart board.
 21. Pooper scooper.
 22. Grill scraper.
 23. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
 24. Wrist slicer -- after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
 25. Conversation piece for coffee table.
 26. Destroy them -- smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
 27. Light switch cover.
 28. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
 29. Clay pigeons for target practice.
 30. Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
 31. Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
 32. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
 33. Firewood.
 34. Bird house.
 35. Paper weights.
 36. Pen holders (make a box without a top).
 37. Post-it notes holder.
 38. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
 39. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when
     parking on soft surfaces.
 40. Keep 'em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
 41. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the
     sun/moon -- actually works).
 42. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by
     the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
 43. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
 44. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the
     incense).
 45. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car's hood).
 46. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
 47. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
 48. Hand them out as party favors.
 49. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open one side, insert key and then
     place near door. Completely safe...who would want an AOL disk?).
 50. Vertical blinds.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Nov 1997 to 19 Nov 1997
************************************************
