HUMOR Digest - 17 Nov 1997 to 18 Nov 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 408 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore Female Logic
  2. The Wheel  <clean>
  3. Yardwork <mildly risque>
  4. Management Blues <adult>
  5. Holiday poetry
  6. OLD JOKE
  7. The Gates to Heaven!!! (off. to ex-husbands)
  8. Rejected Children's Book Titles
  9. Funny poems, comments and questions as humor
 10. Comparisons <offensive to Democrats>
 11. Christmas Humor <request>
 12. ski season (not off)
 13. Things To Do While ..<clean>

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Date:    Mon, 17 Nov 1997 03:36:07 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore Female Logic

* Blonde shopping for new furniture to salesman:  "And to think,
  they made all of this out of those crinkly lil' walnuts."
                                - - - - -

*   "Oh darling," the Yuppette said tearfully, "Doris next door
  just got a brand new BMW."
    "And I suppose," her husband replied, "that you want one
  even better, correct ?"
    "Well dear," she pointed out, "it would be a lot cheaper
  than moving, wouldn't it ?"
                                - - - - -

* Woman to neighbor: "I'll tell ya Faye, I've done everything I
  can to get my weight down without success.  I've decided to
  just learn how to be jolly instead."
                                - - - - -

* Woman to hairdresser: "Tint the gray hair black, color the
  black hair blonde, then put just a streak of gray through the
  center so it'll all look natural."
                                - - - - -

* One of a threesome of bimbos to cab driver: "Would you mind
  driving another twenty cents worth ?  Three just won't go into
  six dollars and ten cents evenly."
                                - - - - -

* I happened to be behind two businessmen and one young woman who
  arrived at the door to an office building simultaneously.  The
  one man passed right through the door, but the second hesitated.
  Sensing his uncertainty, the young woman piped up, "You go right
  ahead -- I'm liberated."
                                - - - - -

* Woman diner to friend: "I haven't lost much weight since I've been
  counting calories, carbohydrates and fat content, but my math sure
  has improved."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Mon, 17 Nov 1997 13:59:07 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Wheel  <clean>

Letter to the Editor, The Cave Mail, circa 1,000,000 BC:

SIR -

I was literally horrified by the amount of space you gave to
the invention of the so-called "wheel".  Those who buy these unsafe
objects have more money than sense.  Anyone in their right minds can
tell it's just a passing fad.  And for your information, my mother
agrees.

        Cromagnolia Vox-Pop, 5th Cave Along.

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Date:    Mon, 17 Nov 1997 07:41:55 -0500
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Yardwork <mildly risque>

  There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take
a shower.  The guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks
out to the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?"  She can't hear
him, so he points to his eye [ I ], points to his knee [ need ] and then
makes raking motions.   "What?" she yells.
So he goes through the whole routine again.  She nods like she gets it and
then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass, and then
rubs her crotch.  Her husband is somewhat confused, though totally aroused,
so
he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom.
"What did you say?"
She says, "I said:  eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Nov 1997 15:24:00 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Management Blues <adult>

When Development Engineers go out together on a week-end they
talk about football.

When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your
balls are.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Nov 1997 08:49:52 -0500
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Holiday poetry

              He laid her on the table
              So white clean and bare.
              His forehead wet with beads of sweat
              He rubbed her here and there.
              He touched her neck and then her breast
              And then drooling felt her thigh.
              The slit was wet and all was set,
              He gave a joyous cry.
              The hole was wide...he looked inside
              All was dark and murky.
              He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........

              And then he stuffed the turkey

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Nov 1997 10:50:38 -0500
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: OLD JOKE


Field Marshall Bernard Montgomery was was teetotal and, indeed, his ideas
on food were spartan.  When his forces captured General von Thoma in the
desert, Monty had him in for dinner, an event which had the House of
Commons in an uproar;  eating with the enemy, and Nutzis at that, was
simply not  kosher.  But Churchill put it all to bed by saying that he
felt sorry for von Thoma because he, too, had had dinner with Monty.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Nov 1997 11:20:11 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Gates to Heaven!!! (off. to ex-husbands)

 A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
 greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really
 think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?" To which
 St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you
 must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited,
 and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell
 a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered
 St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word
 I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulated her on her good
 fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking
 his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
 "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while
 you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply
 have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

 So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the
 beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches
 the gates, and she realizes it is her loser husband. "What happened?" she
 cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then
 said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident.
 And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?" To which the woman
 replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked.
 The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Nov 1997 14:21:32 -0500
From:    Paul Frazier <PFRAZIER@CSI.COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Rejected Children's Book Titles

>From the Nov. 24 issue of Newsweek:

Editors of children's books have to entertain almost as many inane
proposals as do editors of, well, PERI.  Their reject piles, however, are
far more entertaining:

1)  Sammy the Snot Who Lives in Your Nose

2)  Try not to Stare at the Giants, Honey

3)  The Little Train that Could, but Chose Not To.

4)  Who's that Peeking in My Window.

5)  Gloria the Sperm Bank Kid

6)  Mommy Swings

7)  My Peg-Leg Grandpa

8)  Hey Kids, Say No to Mr. Drugs

9)  I Can' Wait Until I'm Old Enough to Hunt With My Dad.

Source:  Publisher's Weekly.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Nov 1997 15:00:44 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Funny poems, comments and questions as humor

Wouldn't the year 2000 elections be more interesting if the the
Republicans would nominate Libby Dole to run against Hillary Clinton?

I got pull over for speeding the other day and the patrolman gave me
three tickets: one for speeding and two for the Falcons game. (The
Atlanta Falcons are an NLF team with a very poor record and even
worse attendance at home games).

I made a 75 on my son's science project and I'm the principal!

The Lord gave us two ends to use,
  One to think with; one to sit on
It all depends on which you choose;
  Heads you win, trails you lose.

When I was in grade school, I painted just like Picasso, and the
teacher gave me an F.

The salesman said, "You make a small down payment and you don't make
any more payments for six months." I asked, "Who told you about me?"

I'm not saying that our generation was smarter, but in our day,
envelopes did not have printed instructions on where to place the
postage stamp.

Be not the first by whom the new are tried, nor yet the last to lay
the old aside.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Nov 1997 15:16:00 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Comparisons <offensive to Democrats>

What's the difference between the Erie Canal and Hillary?

The Erie Canal was known as "Clinton's DITCH."

*Note for the non-historical.  The Erie Canal, a canal in New York,
 between Buffalo with Albany, connecting Lake Erie with the Hudson River,
 was completed in 1825.  DeWitt Clinton (1769-1828) was Governor of New
 York 1817-1821 and 1825-1828.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Nov 1997 15:34:08 +0000
From:    Susan Jennings <JENNINGSSL@CONRAD.APPSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Christmas Humor <request>

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Nov 1997 15:41:38 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: ski season (not off)

 Top ten list of things to do to prepare for the ski season:
 (And to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.)

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer
    for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

 9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in
    your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.
    Pretend you are looking for your car.

 8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes
    and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

 7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

 6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be
    sure to wait in the longest line.

 5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
    fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

 4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
    snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

 3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
    your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!

 2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take
    them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.


Jeff B. Bryson; Department of Psychology
San Diego State University
San Diego, CA 92130-4611

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Date:    Tue, 18 Nov 1997 09:44:15 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Things To Do While ..<clean>

...WAITING TO CONNECT TO AOL!!

1.Your 1996 taxes

2.Complete your BA degree

3.Watch your hair grow

4.Finally clean your keyboard

5.Count the tiles on the ceiling 200 times

6.Think about commercials you saw during the Super Bowl

7.Scribble I HAVE NO LIFE on a notepad

8.Read War and Peace, and write a book report on it

9.Contemplate the meaning of a General Protection Fault

10.Watch your AOL stocks decrease in value

11.Become mezmerized by your screen saver

12.Organize your desk

13.Spend "Quality Time" with your hard drive

14.Plan secret mission involving AOL headquarters and several rolls of
   toilet paper

15.Try to remember the words to the pledge of allegiance

16.Listen to the radio

17.Contemplate the meaning of the word "unlimited"

18.Clip your toenails

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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Nov 1997 to 18 Nov 1997
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