HUMOR Digest - 16 Nov 1997 to 17 Nov 1997
There are 5 messages totalling 227 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Place Dropping
  2. The Writing's On The .. <clean,off. to U.S.>
  3. to the rescue <inoff>
  4. Quick Check
  5. Humor - Dilbert Creater Fools Computer Execs

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Date:    Sun, 16 Nov 1997 03:24:15 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Place Dropping

   The Yuppies in Columbia Maryland have yet another game to impress
people.  Forget all about name dropping.  I mean any lowbrow with a
couple of thousand dollars and a few McDonald's coupons can get into
the White House. I mean, "Heavens dahling, circle the Beamers, the
great unwashed are everywhere these days."

   Anyway this is a new status symbol called "Place Dropping." The
object of the game is to work the name of some a foreign city very
casually into the conversation.  If nobody else has been there, you
are given 10 points and can talk without interruption the remainder
of the evening.

   The trick is to slip in the fact that you've been to a place w/o
actually coming right out and saying so.  For example, you'd say,
"I just can't get used to the speed of air travel these days.  Why
this time yesterday, I was having lunch in Wein-- pardon, or as you
probably know it, Vienna."

   See, part of the game is to also sprinkle the conversation with
foreign words too; you would say Munchen instead of Munich. One
lady said she had put on 7 pounds with good old German dunkles Bier.

   As a rule, female droppers are subtle.  At a cocktail party I was
attending, a guest asked the hostess if she had gotten her tablecloth
in Portugal.  Getting a negative response she said with a smile, ever
so condescending, "You really ought to go to Lisbon sometime. They
have the most beautiful linen."

   Men on the other hand prefer the direct shot.  My host stood in
the center of the room and said, "Pretty good stuff, huh ?  Brought
it back from Scotland myself." as he toasted his guests.

   A discussion then broke out over whether fermented seal blubber
from Iceland or Mongolian yak milk was tastier; a coconut drink from
"Ind-juh" and a distilled cactus juice from "May-heeco" were also in
the running, but pretty much tied for third place.  The Caipirinha
from Brazil seemed to be running last.

  I didn't hear how the game came out.  I ducked around the corner
for a beer.  The bartender said it wasn't like the stuff one can
get in Dublin, though.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 16 Nov 1997 14:58:03 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Writing's On The .. <clean,off. to U.S.>

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of
winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees
"The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off.  He storms into his security
staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on
the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-witch had
to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT
WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and
says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really
bad news.  Which do you want first?"

Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first."

The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it.
The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice
president! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?"

The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."

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Date:    Sun, 16 Nov 1997 06:40:43 -0500
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: to the rescue <inoff>

 It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection.  Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a
woman rushed to help him.  When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a
man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right
honey, I've had a course in first aid."
        The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse
and prepared to administer artificial respiration.  At this point she
tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about
calling a doctor, I'm already here."

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Date:    Sun, 16 Nov 1997 08:38:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Quick Check

From: kheebner@juno.com

QUICK CHECK
author unknown

You just awake... your eyes are still shut
Still cant quite focus.....still draggin your butt
You know you need coffee......can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker.....and put the mug to your lip

The feeling is warm.... just what you need
But you know you need more....and its something to read
The paper you say??? no...dont think so.. not it...
Its much more exciting... you cant wait to "click"...

You boot up your puter.......you click that icon...
Cant keep from grinning.... your really turned on!
When the voice says "Welcome"...your heart skips a beat!!
You know your addicted....all the friends that you'll meet.

And then you see it.......you wait with a stare....
The mail box lights up!! "youve got mail" waiting there!!
OH.. what a feeling!!.... you look with delight!
You hoped you'd have mail.... and you knew you were right!!

So you go thru the mail..... knowing this is the "Best"..
Reading this reading that....as you go thru the rest.
Some you give the "delete" key....others get your first click
You know you must hurry......you gotta be quick!

It is then that you hear it.... You cant wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter... who's name will it be?
And then there it is..... covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound....Oh..you know what that means!!!

"Quick mail check" you promised....you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM.... and your pressing for time!
You know that you want to.... and respond  you will
So you stop what your doing.. and go for the thrill!

You "LOL" and "BRB",  give kisses and Hugs...
You type and send words... refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check... turns to hours online!


----
I missed you, I'll take better aim next time!

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Date:    Sun, 16 Nov 1997 12:15:12 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Dilbert Creater Fools Computer Execs

 SAN JOSE, California (AP) -- Scott Adams doesn't just lampoon consultants
in his Dilbert cartoon strip, he can also pose as one and make managers
believe him.
 Adams, whose strip appears in 1,700 newspapers in 51 countries, spouted
nonsense during a meeting with executives of a Silicon Valley company, and
most of them -- following the lead of their boss -- just nodded in
agreement.
 "What if I was a management consultant?" Adams wondered. "I could lead a
bunch of executives in writing a mission statement so impossibly
complicated that it has no real context whatsoever."
 An account of Adam's hoax, which happened last month at Logitech
International -- the world's biggest maker of computer mice -- was printed
in the San Jose Mercury News' Sunday magazine, West.
 Adams pulled off the deception with the cooperation of Logitech co-founder
and vice chairman Pierluigi Zappacosta.
 Zappacosta summoned executives to a meeting with Adams -- alias Ray Mebert
-- to draft a new mission statement for Logitech's New Ventures Group. His
memo touted Mebert as an expert who could help the group "crisply define"
its goals.
 Adams is hardly anonymous. His photo appears on his best-selling books and
elsewhere, and his Dilbert cartoons get pinned up on bulletin boards and
employee cubicles at innumerable companies, including Logitech.
 He disguised himself with a wig and fake mustache. He also arrived at
Logitech's Fremont, California, headquarters with a photographer,
videotaping crew and a writer.
 He told the group his credentials included work on Procter & Gamble Co.'s
"Taste Bright Project," a supposedly secret effort to boost sales by
improving the taste of soap.
 "There actually are some people who admitted in focus groups that they
would sometimes taste soap," Mebert explained.  Executives nodded
agreement.
 Mebert sneered at the New Ventures Group's existing statement  -- "to
provide Logitech with profitable growth and related new business areas" --
and led an exercise in which managers suggested words and ideas that might
become part of a new one.
 The new statement read: "The New Ventures Mission is to scout profitable
growth opportunities in relationships, both internally and externally, in
emerging, mission inclusive markets, and explore new paradigms and then
filter and communicate and evangelize the findings."
 Finally, the ersatz consultant drew a last diagram, one that he said would
bring the session into focus. It was a picture of Dilbert, and Mebert then
pulled off his wig, revealing Adams' thinning locks.
 "You've all been had," he said.  The executives took the joke with good grace.
 "If Adams hadn't revealed himself, I wonder how many of us would have gone
home and tried tasting our soap?" joked Jack Zahorsky, senior program
manager for control devices.

 Copyright 1997   The Associated Press.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Nov 1997 to 17 Nov 1997
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