HUMOR Digest - 15 Nov 1997 to 16 Nov 1997
There are 7 messages totalling 217 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Malapropriety
  2. Gay humor
  3. Humor designed for the impatient & those people with only short-
  4. JOKE-CLEAN: Algae Farm
  5. Light a Candle
  6. Priest and Zits <Off to the religious...gross>
  7. TRUE APATHY

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Date:    Sat, 15 Nov 1997 03:52:07 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Malapropriety

* A maid asked for a week's advance on her salary.  "Our pastor is
  leaving the Church this Sunday, and the congregation wants to
  give him a little momentum."
                                - - - - -

*   When I offered my neighbor a ride into town, the combination of
  my driving and the country roads gave us a rather rough ride.
    At his destination he said, "I can't tell you how grateful I am
  for the ride.  I hope someday to recuperate."
                                - - - - -

* A mother commenting on her son's wife: "She may be a good Mother
  and all, but her housekeeping certainly is half-hazard."
                                - - - - -

* A young boy, having lived on a farm all his life, was going to his
  first school dance.  The Father asked him if he had a date and the
  boy replied, "No.  I'm just going stud."
                                - - - - -

* At a ceremony in the National Cathedral, an old lady buttonholed
  an usher and commanded, "Be sure you get me a seat up front young
  man.  I understand they've always had trouble with the agnostics
  in this place."
                                - - - - -

* Telling of a member expelled from her club, a woman said, "They
  dismembered her."
                                - - - - -

* At the peak of the Saturday afternoon traffic, parking spaces were
  non-existent.  A distraught looking matron rushed into the cleaners
  and said, "Would you wait on me next ?  I'm double-breasted."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 15 Nov 1997 11:48:23 -0000
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Gay humor

A colleague and myself having completed our sales call in Glasgow found that
our return flight to London was delayed for 4 hours. So naturally we did the
only English thing possible: we went to the airport pub to drown our
sorrows. We happened to meet another 2 salesmen, one of whom was gay and
with a great sense of humor. After a few drinks, he was going up to every
guy in the pub in saying (in a very English accent):

"Is your chair quite comfortable? Can I push your stool in for you?"

I don't remember laughing as much for years as his stuffy English recipients
wished they could crawl into the ground and their friends looked the other
way in complete embarrassment! It was a great line!

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Date:    Sat, 15 Nov 1997 15:12:40 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Humor designed for the impatient & those people with only short-

Dog humor: When a pointer mates with a setter, you get the
traditional Christmas pet, the poinsetter.

A clean desk is a sign of a really full harddrive!

I have a new pet peeve. Can anybody tell me what I should feed it?

There is a special place in hell for people who throw diapers out in
the parking lots.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he will believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

When people say they're not in their right mind, does that mean they
are in their left mind.

Only left-handed people are in their right minds.

Has anyone ever wondered why most of the states that are so opposed
to same-sex marraiges because of improper or immoral values have
absolutely no problem with people marrying their own cousins?

Seen on a church located in the north Georgia mountains: "Left
Watchers: Come meet the painter."

Would my ex-wife's new husband be considered my husband-in-law?

Why do grocery stores have 12 to 15 registers but never operate more
than three?

To the two women who call their ex-husbands Goober and Gomer: What do
you call each other?

My friend and I call our ex-wives Thelma and Louise.


Selected from: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent/

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Date:    Sat, 15 Nov 1997 12:37:48 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Algae Farm

The experimental salt-water algae farm was having difficulty because of
the depletion of the plants by hundreds of sea gulls. An ornithologist
was hired to solve the problem. His solution was to grow cannabis sativa
plants along the rim of the algae tanks. The terns would nibble at the
cannabis and leave the algae alone. Cost was the only factor. He was sent
to the Chief Financial Officer to get approval. "Certainly, spend all that
is necessary" he was told, "Leave no tern unstoned."

And then there was the naval commander that ordered that all band practices
take place aft. He wanted to be certain that he left no stern untoned.

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Date:    Sat, 15 Nov 1997 14:56:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Light a Candle

There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard  as they could,
were unable to produce little children. After consulting everyone who would
listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied.  Finally, they
consulted their family priest.

"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and
I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly.  In fact, I am
planning a stay in Rome, and while I am visiting the Vatican, I will light a
candle for you."

"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything  will work
out just fine for you.  My stay in Rome will be for quite some time - 15
years.  But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to  the States.
While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise
of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago.

Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people  who sought his
council years previously, he rang the doorbell.  Sounds of crying and
screaming children filled the air!

Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered,  he entered
the house.  More than a dozen children filled the house from top to bottom!
In the midst of all the chaos, stood  the wife.

"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered!  And where is
your husband?  I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"

"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.

"Rome?  Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.

She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out,
"TO BLOW OUT THAT DARN CANDLE YOU LIT!"


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Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compress

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Date:    Sat, 15 Nov 1997 20:31:55 -0500
From:    C and R <carbro@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: Priest and Zits <Off to the religious...gross>

Q: What do a Priest and a zit have in common?
A: They both have to wait till a boy is 14 to come on his face :->


http://www.bit-net.com/~carbro

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Date:    Sat, 15 Nov 1997 20:28:43 -0600
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: TRUE APATHY

JimJrs psychiatry jokes reminded me of something when I was 13. I was a
little hellion so my folks took me to a shrink.  After a month of
talking to me, he announced "I don't know what to do with you.  You're
too apathetic."  Assuming that "apathetic" meant something horrible, in
my usual style I replied "I don't care."


http://www.net4tv.com/net4tv/u2u/spotlite.htm

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End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Nov 1997 to 16 Nov 1997
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