HUMOR Digest - 14 Nov 1997 to 15 Nov 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 244 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Phobias Anyone ?
  2. A Couple of smiles (off. to chicks & gays)
  3. Weighing baby  <clean>
  4. Brickbats, barbs, and funny questions
  5. [JOKE] Alone in the Desert <gross>
  6. Tate's Compass Company

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Date:    Fri, 14 Nov 1997 03:26:55 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Phobias Anyone ?

*   An elementary school teacher in Columbia Maryland was filling
  in for the day care provider.  She became concerned with this one
  little boy who drew all his pictures in heavy black crayon.  He
  drew black horses, black cows, black cats and even a black sun.
    She notified the school's Principal and the Nurse, as well as
  a Child Psychiatrist at the Howard County Hospital; the Department
  of Juvenile Services and the Department of Social Services, and
  arranged a meeting with these experts, the boy, and his parents.
    After a while, they finally got to the root of the problem --
  it was the only unbroken crayon the little boy had.
                                - - - - -

* Psychiatrist to patient on couch: "There is a man following you.
  He's trying to collect my bill."
                                - - - - -

* A famous London analyst was lecturing to a group of students
  regarding careful observation of their patients.  "For example,"
  he went on, "for years experts and laymen have speculated as to
  the enigmatic smile on Mona Lisa.  To one unencumbered by the
  sophistication of our discipline, it might mean almost anything
  from her taking a new lover to just having finished making love.
  But I tell you this students, that smug, sly smile can only have
  one explanation.  Mona Lisa was just informed she isn't pregnant."
                                - - - - -

* Overheard in a Columbia psychiatrist's waiting room: "I can't help
  it doctor.  I keep thinking my superiority complex is not only
  bigger and better than anybody else's, it's more complicated."
                                - - - - -

*   A famous shrink had just published his first novel.  He received
  quite a few complimentary letters.  One glowing one stood out from
  all the rest though.  The writer clearly expected the doctor to
  recognize him by name and reputation, which he didn't.  Finally, he
  sent a non-committal reply ending with: "Thank you for your kind
  letter about my recent story.  I admire your work too."
    Several weeks later, the good doctor came to find out that the
  man was a convicted axe murderer in prison for life w/o parole.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Fri, 14 Nov 1997 07:52:17 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Couple of smiles (off. to chicks & gays)

                      Horses & Chicks!!!

 A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
 mud hole and is sinking.  He calls to the chicken to go and get the
 farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to find the
 farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So the chicken drives the farmer's
 BMW 328 back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He
 then throws the other end of the rope to the horse and drives forward
 saving him from sinking!

 A few days later the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again
 and this time the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken yelled to the
 horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I
 can stand over the hole!" So the horse stretched over the width of the
 mud hole and said "Grab my 'dick' and pull yourself up". The chicken
 did and pulled himself to safety.

 The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
 BMW 328 to pick up chicks.
			-----------------------------

                              Oh Really???

 One gay guy is trying to convince the other gay guy that he's pregnant.
 The second guy says, "Well, if you are pregnant, who's the father?"
 The first guy says, "How the hell should I know? Do I have eyes in the
 back of my head?"

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Date:    Fri, 14 Nov 1997 13:42:18 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Weighing baby  <clean>

This is supposed to be an Irish joke, but I personally feel that ethnic
jokes are insensitive, and besides I happen to like the Irish, so let's
say that it is a no-nationality joke, although it could be Polish or Surd,
but it is really meant to be Irish, whereas on the other hand.......

"Never mind, Mariotti, just tell your stupid joke and then get out of
here!"

"Ok, Ok. (tough crowd...)

At a pharmacy, a woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby
she held in her arms.  The clerk explained that the device was out for
repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by
weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing
the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"It won't work," countered the woman.  "I'm not the mother, I'm the
aunt."

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Date:    Fri, 14 Nov 1997 11:24:39 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbats, barbs, and funny questions

Ruminations & Ponderances:  Mom thinks she knows everything, but I
gotta confess she was right about the cheese-fondue-in-the-pocket
thing.

My 5-year-old daughter was asked by her teacher what her father does,
and she replied, "Whatever my Mom tells him to."

My son told his teacher the Indians could not possibly have served
popcorn to the Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving because they didn't
have microwave ovens back then.

Last week I went to the doctor because I wasn't feeling very well. He
gave me two aspirins and told me to read the the HUMOR digest
each day. It cured me.

If the president of the USA has to be a natural-born citizen, could a
test-tube baby ever be president?

Is your holier side your altar ego?

I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed
through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it three or
five?

To the champagne-drinking folks in England: Did you not hear the part
about the baby dying?

Is it just me, or have things really improved since my calls to
customer service reps started being recorded?

What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting
entertainment to be educational?

When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

Maybe what President Clinton actually said to Paula Jones was, "You
need a nose job."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Nov 1997 13:11:30 +0000
From:    "Daniel R. Israel" <disrael@IA-US.COM>
Subject: [JOKE] Alone in the Desert <gross>

This guy was promoted to colonel in the army and he was stationed in the=
 middle of the desert in Northern Africa.  He was being escorted around by=
 one of his officers, when he asks the following:

"Major," says the colonel, "I'm living here alone... without my wife, you=
 know...  What does a man do for 'companionship' out here ?"

"Well sir," replies the major, "There's a camel in back of the barracks for=
 just that problem!"

"That's sick!!" replies the colonel, "I guess I'll be alone a LONG time=
 then!!"

Several months go by, and one day the colonel decides that he can't take it=
 anymore, so he summons the major...

"Major," says the colonel, "I've changed my mind, show me to that camel..."

So the major takes him around the barracks to the camel, and the colonel=
 asks him to wait, whereupon he walks behind the camel, lifts it's tail and=
 starts having intercourse with it....  He's thinking to himself "This=
 ain't so bad..." when he looks over and sees a smirk on the major's face.

"What's so funny?  Isn't this how the other men do it?"

"No, sir", says the major.

"Well, what *DO* they do?" asks the colonel.

and the major says "Well, sir, usually they take the camel and ride into=
 town and go to the local brothel..."


http://www.best.com/~akeem

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Date:    Fri, 14 Nov 1997 16:01:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Tate's Compass Company

There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their
life's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money
and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the
first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for
the Boy Scouts.

Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline,
and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day
of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate's
Compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a
little too late that every single compass was made with the colored
point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North,
the needle pointed to the South.

Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest
fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out
of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, "He who
has a Tate's is lost." (Say it out loud).


---
Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Nov 1997 to 15 Nov 1997
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