HUMOR Digest - 13 Nov 1997 to 14 Nov 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 353 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Childbirth <some adult humor>
  2. Barbs: Cynical comments and questions
  3. Oh No!!! (might be off. to women)
  4. Minister joke (poss. off. to religious folks)
  5. Egyptian Quiz??
  6. None for you!  <Adult punchline>
  7. Petronius
  8. Such a Deal!!!!!!
  9. Dog Joke <mildly dirty>
 10. NEWS FLASH
 11. HUMOR - Beware: Computer Virus
 12. Case Dismissed

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Date:    Thu, 13 Nov 1997 03:54:43 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Childbirth <some adult humor>

*   After the birth of his wife's fifth child, a friend of mine
  received a letter of congratulations from the Howard County
  Planned Parenthood Association, along with a card he was to
  return should he ever need their services in the future.
    My friend sent back the card with this notation: "Where the
  Hell were you people when I really needed you ?"
                                - - - - -

* Wife, knitting tiny garment, to husband: "Oh, I meant to tell
  you.  It was't psychosomatic after all."
                                - - - - -

*   I've always believed in religious tolerance, even when someone
  was totally wrong and had no idea in the world what they were
  talking about.  I mean take the Catholics for example, even in
  the 90's, the Pope is still endorsing only the "rhythm method"
  for birth control.
    As our planet becomes more crowded and our resources shrink,
  I have noticed a trend towards name calling.  Some people are
  really bad-mouthing Catholics for adhering to their beliefs.
    Well, I think it should stop !  Let's call these Catholics who
  do follow their beliefs & practice the rhythm method what they
  really are -- Parents !
                                - - - - -

* Man on park bench to small boy: "And whose little population
  explosion are you ?"
                                - - - - -

*   When first introduced in the 60's, birth control pills were
  pretty much considered near 100% effective. One lady who'd been
  on the pill for over a year got pregnant anyway.
    She gave birth to a healthy baby boy who was born grinning ear
  to ear instead of crying, and the doctor was amazed.  He'd never
  seen anything like it.  He called some of his colleagues in at
  once to have a look.
    Upon closer examination they noticed the baby had his lil' hand
  clenched in a fist.  A doctor reached down and opened it.
    Inside the tiny hand was a birth control pill.


(jokes posted)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Nov 1997 07:29:56 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Barbs: Cynical comments and questions

I wonder how many of Louise Woodward's supporters would allow her to
baby-sit their 8-month-old child.

The nest aint empty until the baby birds turn in their keys.

Who is this Al Neenyo? And why are they trying to blame everything on
him?

Bumper snicker of the week: "Hang up and drive!"

The doctor said my fatal disease can only be cured with one
home-cooked meal per day and sex once a week. My wife is making my
funeral arrangements now.

The only thing I ask of my next husband is that he not have a boyfriend.

There must be something magnetic about me that attracts stupid bosses.

Missing from your list of mangled dog breeds are two of my favorites:
crocker spaniels and English settlers.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

What's another word for synonym?

I have an unreasonable hatred of pet peeves.

My daughter says her tummy is "where the lollipops live."

When I moved to the country I asked my neighbor if he had lived here
all his life. His response was "not yet."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Nov 1997 09:18:53 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Oh No!!! (might be off. to women)

 Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
 heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just
 want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that
 he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband
 realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well
 deal with it.

 So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
 walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't
 decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over
 and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry
 Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

 His wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she
 does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But
 you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
 The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what
 is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

 The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
 stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want youto HOLD
 this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
 explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial
 needs as a Man!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Nov 1997 10:12:25 -0500
From:    Paul Frazier <PFRAZIER@CSI.COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Minister joke (poss. off. to religious folks)

A travelling minister came upon a small farmhouse as night fell.  Since he
had no place to spend the night, he knocked on the door to ask if he could
stay at the farm.  The older, religious couple welcomed him in with open
arms.  To celebrate his arrival, he slaughtered one of his prize turkeys
and she roasted it for dinner.

The next morning, she made turkey hash and pancakes for breakfast.  After
eating, the minister went out to preach to the nearby town, and returned to
the farm for the night.

Once again, in the morning, the old woman made turkey hash and pancakes for
breakfast.  The minister mumbled "Hebrews 13:8" as he left, but since the
couple were hard of hearing, they didn't understand him.

The next morning, she made turkey hash and pancakes again.  The minister
refused to eat, yelling "Hebrews 13:8!" and stomping out the door.  The old
couple understood him this time, and dug out the family Bible to look it
up.  It said, "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today and forever."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Nov 1997 17:25:50 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Egyptian Quiz??

Question relates to somewhere 'round 325 B.C...


        Why were Egyptian children confused during those times??

        Cuz Their Daddies Were Mummies!!!!!


http://nadi.home.ml.org
http://free.prohosting.com/~itf/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Nov 1997 12:44:44 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: None for you!  <Adult punchline>

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy
saw a honey bee.  He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee,"   his father said, "one of our friends, and
for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

A little while later, the boy saw a butterfly.  He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his
plain toast (no honey or butter).  Suddenly, a cockroach ran from
under the stove and his mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said,
"Are you going to tell her or should I?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Nov 1997 13:18:35 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Petronius

  "We trained hard...but it seemed that every time we were beginning
  to form up into teams we would be reorganized.  I was to learn later
  in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a
  wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress
  while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralization."

     				-Petronius Arbiter, 210 BC

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Nov 1997 18:01:22 -0500
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Such a Deal!!!!!!

    Horowitz was feeling ill at the shop and left after lunch to go home.
He walked into the house and found his wife Fanny in the arms of another
man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be
making love to my wife?"

     The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with
Fanny and I would like to marry her.  I understand you're a gambler.  Why
don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me?
If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce
her.  Okay?"

     "Okay," replied Horowitz, "but just to make it a little more
interesting, why don't we play for a penny a point?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Nov 1997 18:21:39 EST
From:    Funnyman Humor <funnymanhumor@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Dog Joke <mildly dirty>

Q:  What do you call a dog with big steel testicles?

A:  Sparky.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Nov 1997 18:50:01 -0600
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: NEWS FLASH

A short astrologer has just escaped from the State Prison...Yes, there
is a small medium at large!


http://www.net4tv.com/net4tv/u2u/spotlite.htm

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Nov 1997 19:07:11 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Beware: Computer Virus

              *** WARNING   COMPUTER VIRUS ***
 Please warn all your friends and everybody you have ever met
  ----------------------------------------------------------
   WARNING           WARNING        WARNING         WARNING
  ----------------------------------------------------------
 If you receive an e-mail message with "End-All Virus" in
 the subject line, DON'T OPEN IT.
 If you do:  End-All will re-write your entire hard drive.
 Not only that, it will scramble any disks (and eggs) that are
 even close to your computer. It will turn your CD ROM drive into
 a coffee cup holder and you will be forced to hum into the phone
 to get your modem to work.
 It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your
 ice cream will melt.  It will demagnetize the strips on all your
 credit cards and bill you for the service. It will screw up the
 tracking on your VCR (If you ever figured out how to program the
 darn thing) and it will use subspace field harmonics to scratch any
 CDs you try to play.
 It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.  It will mix
 Kool-aid into your fishtank.  It will leave dirty socks on the coffee
 table when company comes over. It will make you type Typos.
 End-All will leave the toilet seat up.
 It will hide your car keys when you are late for work.
 END ALL invites your mother-in-law over for a month.  It replaces the
 sugar in your coffee with sweetener, causes your cable to only tune in
 home repair programs, and make people aware of all the things you are
 personally guilty of actually doing
 It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
 It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
 And it makes you read funny e-mails.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Nov 1997 00:48:35 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Case Dismissed

One of my former law partners was in court representing a defendant
charged with robbery. As the prosecutor questioned the lone eyewitness,
he suddenly moved closer to where the defendant was seated and asked
the witness, "Do you see the person here in the courtroom who was
involved in the robbery?"

"Yes," the witness said, "right there."  With that, he turned and pointed
to Juror No. 3 in the jury box.

The case was quickly dismissed.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Nov 1997 to 14 Nov 1997
************************************************
