HUMOR Digest - 12 Nov 1997 to 13 Nov 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 706 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. New and Improved <adult humor>
  2. Same job (adult)
  3. Cigars <no offense>
  4. Turn it up a notch!
  5. Mafia (clean.. sorry)
  6. Brickbat: Thoughtless comments and observations as humor
  7. Homer Simpson
  8. HUMOR - Anal Retentivity (crude)
  9. New nominations for the Darwin Award
 10. Aim High, drink beer (clean)
 11. Adam & eve <off. to jelaous women>
 12. Travel
 13. The Bar Patron...
 14. Some Cool Quotes

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Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 03:40:38 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: New and Improved <adult humor>

*   With safe sex being the norm these days, the sales of plain
  old birth control pills have slumped.  One company seeking to
  make inroads into the teenage market decided to put out a new
  product that's a combination breakfast and birth control drink.
    They're gonna call it "Ovumteen".
                                - - - - -

*   Stirring up a lot of interest in certain winter sports circles
  this year is a new ski complex in wide open Nevada.
    The new resort is to be known as "Slalom and Gomorrah".
                                - - - - -

* For those of you who remember the infamous madame Heidi Fleiss;
  well, there's gonna be a "Madame Heidi" doll on the shelves at
  the upscale department stores this Christmas.  You buy the doll,
  but you don't really play with it.  What she does is promptly
  gets you another doll to play with.
                                - - - - -

* Organizers of the first "National Orgasm Week" held this year were
  very disappointed with the results obtained.  It seems at least
  three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it.
                                - - - - -

* The US Naval Academy, still stinging from various sex scandals, tried
  imposing fines for Midshipmen who entered a female's room uninvited.
  It was $20 for a first offense, $60 for the second and $180 for the
  third violation.  Academy officials were disappointed at the results,
  so this year, they started offering season passes.
                                - - - - -

*   Trying to stay in tune with the times (but still not getting it),
  the Moral Majority tried launching a hard rock group to preach to
  kids on the evils of sex thru the lyrics in their songs.
    Their name --  "Heavy Meddle".


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 13:40:41 +0100
From:    Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Same job (adult)

This lady a secretary is tired of her  job and wants a change. She
applies for the same. After her interview, she asks the interviewer,
"What would be the nature of my job?"

The interviewer promptly replies, "the same as previous".
To which this lady replies "then unzip your fly rightaway"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 10:36:40 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cigars <no offense>

I recently received the following from a cousin,
I don't know whether its true or not


A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very
expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire.  Within a month,
having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make
a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the
insurance company.  In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars
in "a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man
had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.  The man sued... and won!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy
from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable,
and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire.  Without
defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to
compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he
lost in "the fires."  After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance
company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson!  With his own insurance
claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against
him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 11:24:26 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Turn it up a notch!

 A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby
 delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new
 machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the
 father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very
 much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters,
 explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father
 had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband
 felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
 The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The
 husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood
 pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this,
 they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite
 well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he
 encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered
 a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
 When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their porch.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 19:03:37 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Mafia (clean.. sorry)

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from
all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the
heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for
this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate
to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some
of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The
deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy
to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The
interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know
what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he
doesn't know what you're talking about"

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector.
"NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still
doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the
balls to pull the trigger."


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 14:44:36 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbat: Thoughtless comments and observations as humor

I asked my 93-year-old mother for the secret to a long, happy life.
She said, "Son, having a short memory helps a lot!"

Vote Democrat, it's easier than working.

Vote Republican, it's easier than thinking.

Murphy's computer law #13: When you arrive home with your new
computer, it will be obsolete, and two weeks later the PC you wanted
but couldn't afford will cost less than the one you bought.

Happiness is hearing your little granddaughter say, "If I ever have
any little girls, I'm going to name them Grandma."

You fellows with the damnation and the laborer recliner dogs should
visit the lady with the simonize cat.

Now I know why they call them trial lawyers. I tried one and didn't
like him.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

How am I supposed to dig into my kid's Halloween stash when he's got
it all numbered and catalogued?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 15:11:44 -0500
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Homer Simpson

			Homer Simpson quotes

 1. Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

 2. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees?
    Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they
    shoot bees at you?

 3. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether
    you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.

 4. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.  The lesson
    is, never try.

 5. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
    somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

 6. Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again?
           What about bacon?
    Lisa: No.
    Homer: Ham?
    Lisa: No!
    Homer: Pork chops?
    Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
    Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.  A wonderful...
           magical animal.

 7. Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme
    Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
    Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
    Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
    Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

 8. Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out
    something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course
    and  forgot how to drive?
    Marge: That's because you were drunk!
    Homer: And how!

 9.Operator! Give me the number for 911!

10. Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
    Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman
    I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

11. Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why
    you're here?
    Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
    Homer: Ummm... revenge?
    Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
    (step step step step step...slam)
 
12. Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's
    get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
    Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

13. Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
    Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
    Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a
           picture?

14. Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell
           good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!
           (chugs beer)

15. Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
    Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
    Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
    Homer: That's good!
    Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
    Homer: That's bad.
    Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
    Homer: That's good!
    Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
    Homer: (confused look)
    Old man: That's bad.
    Homer: Can I go now?

16. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're
    prejudiced against all races.

17. Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
    Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
    Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
    Homer: Okay, I will!

18. When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I
    thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie --  Spaceballs. But
    instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

19. Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
    Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
    Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
    Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

20. Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
    Homer: Did you wreck the car?
    Bart: No.
    Homer: Did you raise the dead?
    Lisa: Yes.
    Homer: But the car's okay?
    Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
    Homer: All right then.

21. Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...

22. (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an
    offering, I present these milk and cookies.  If you wish me to eat
    them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will
    be done (munch munch munch).

23. What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back
    here anyway.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 14:27:46 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Anal Retentivity (crude)

 >      Q. What is the definition of a smart ass?
 >
 >      A. Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone
 >         and tell you what flavor it is.

 I heard someone say they knew a lady who is sooooo anal retentive that
 they are afraid she might suck up the sofa if she sat on it.

 (now that's anal)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 14:14:26 -0700
From:    Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: New nominations for the Darwin Award

The New Darwin Awards Report: (from another listserv)(stories involve
violence and death)
 -----------------------------------

 6/x/97 A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3000 ton wheat train
 and was dragged in his car more than a kilometre before being slammed
 into a pylon at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he walked
 for help.

 The Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were
 driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New
 South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said.

 Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 metre long
 train at a level crossing.  (I guess that would be harder to miss
 than the side of a barn!) The vehicle became wedged between the
 second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the
 track as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman
 said.

 After being carried more than a kilometre and a half they approached
 an unfenced bridge with a 10 metre drop, the spokeswoman said.
 Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a
 pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came
 to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck (I wonder
 if it was a Volvo?) with minor bruising and the man set off along the
 railway line for help.  But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his
 death, the spokeswoman said.

 The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering
 in Moree hospital with chest injuries.
			---------------------------

 Miami, FL motorist Alvin Sims didn't notice that his truck had
 smacked into a utility pole and his passenger was dead until the
 police stopped his car.

 Donna Richardson, 29, was hanging her head out of the window of her
 boy friends 1993 Chevrolet truck early Saturday - she was vomiting -
 when the truck suddenly veered. Her head slammed a pole and she died
 instantly, police said Monday. Sims, 36. kept driving.

 Metro-Dade police said when an officer stopped the truck several
 miles later - its right mirror and antenna were damaged.  Sims told
 police that he was looking for a hospital because his passenger was
 sick.

 "Apparently, he thought he hit a puddle and did not see that he had
 killed her."
			---------------------------

 On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a
 robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his
 lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
 choice:

   1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gunshop;
   2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
      fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
      handguns in public places;
   3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County
      Police patrol car parked at the front door;
   4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
      coffee before reporting to duty.

 Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
 fired a few wild shots.

 The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the
 gene pool.

 Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one
 else was hurt.
			---------------------------

 Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
 third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
 Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
 roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken's head instead of a
 revolver.
			---------------------------

 MOSCOW, RUSSIA -A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow
 bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it
 protected him against the knife.....

 It didn't and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound.  Isn't it
 good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the awards.
			---------------------------

 Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit
 suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around
 his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank
 some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot
 himself at the last moment.

 He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and cut through
 the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into
 the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him
 vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman
 and was taken to hospital, where he died ... of exposure!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 17:54:24 -0500
From:    Nermie <nermie@MUOHIO.EDU>
Subject: Aim High, drink beer (clean)

      A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by
the regular culling of the weakest members.

      In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

      The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and
validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering
performance.  It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving
university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the
performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict
regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual
levels that they achieved during their university years.

     So, this is a call to arms.  As our country is losing its
technological edge we should not shudder in our homes.  Get back into the
bars! Quaff that beer! Your company and country need you to be at your
peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.

      Aim High, drink beer!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 17:56:47 -0500
From:    Barcillo <barcillo@ECUA.NET.EC>
Subject: Adam & eve <off. to jelaous women>

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn.
Eve got angry and yeld at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN"
Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth"
and went to sleep.
Later that night Adam woke up. filling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.
"What the heck are you doing?" he asked
"I'm counting your ribs" she responded


http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 17:37:11 -0800
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: Travel

Travel Signs:

In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your best to alarm the hotel
porter."

In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid."

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Dresses for street walking."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today - No ice cream!"

In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time."

In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water
served here."

>From a brochure of a Tokyo car-rental company: "When passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if
he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor."


Tour Guide TERM ...................TRANSLATION

Old world charm .....................No bath
Tropical ............................Rainy
Majestic setting ....................A long way from town
Options galore ......................Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ...................Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ................Already occupied
Explore on your own .................Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts ............They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees .......................No extras
Nominal fee .........................Outrageous charge
Standard ............................Sub-standard
Deluxe ..............................Standard
Superior ............................One free shower cap
All the amenities ...................Two free shower caps
Plush ...............................Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes ......................Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ......................No air conditioning
Picturesque .........................Theme park nearby
Open bar ............................Free ice cubes

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 19:26:44 -0500
From:    "Todd C. Nessen" <tnessen@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: The Bar Patron...

A little guy is walking down the street looking for a place to have dinner
and a drink.  He comes across a small tavern and decides to go in for a
bite.  Sitting down at the bar, the man orders a beer and starts to look
over the menu.

"Whatta have?" the bartender asks.

"I'll try the lamb special.", replies the little Dude.

"Comin' right up."

A short while later, after dinner, the little man is in need of the
restroom.  In fact, he has to go pretty badly.  Searching around he finds a
stairwell, and figures that the bathroom must be upstairs.  So up he goes,
and there he finds the only room at the top.  By this point the guy really
needs to relieve himself, but there seems to be a small problem.  The room
that he has found doesn't really look like a bathroom.  It kind of does, it
has a hole in the floor, but nothing else.

The little man exclaims to himself, "I've really gotta go!  To Hell with
it, I'm using this hole here."

A short while later, after taking care of business, the guy heads back
downstairs to finish his beer and head home.  Reaching the bottom of the
stairs, he notices that the bar has an odor that is bringing tears to his
eyes.  He looks around the room, and the whole place is covered with
excrement!!

Seeing the man, the bartender asks, "Hey little man all spic-n-span, where
were you when the shit hit the fan?!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 1997 22:07:05 -0800
From:    Nathan Luppino <nluppino@LINKNET.KITSAP.LIB.WA.US>
Subject: Some Cool Quotes

  Man: You remind me of the sea.
Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
  Man: NO, because you make me sick.

"I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every
other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three."  --Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?"  --John Mendoza

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.  That may
be.  But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals.  We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."  --Jeff Stilson

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there.  I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.  Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash."  --Jerry Seinfeld

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.  I replied
in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses.  Now I'll
have to kill you too."  --Jake Johansen

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."  --Paul
Rodriguez

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Nov 1997 to 13 Nov 1997
************************************************
