HUMOR Digest - 11 Nov 1997 to 12 Nov 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 325 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Business Whirl
  2. Will Rogers Stuff
  3. Veterans Day: Letter to the Editor
  4. KEILLOR'S 5 ELEMENTS OF HUMOR
  5. Brickbats: Cynicism as humor and acute observations
  6. Hunting <Not offensive>
  7. Hazardous Materials Information Bulletin (may be off. to women)
  8. Carry on punning!! <off. to non-punsters>
  9. The Ultimate Groaner.......
 10. HUMOR-Crude & offensive to really smart people
 11. Spider Robinson Puns

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Nov 1997 04:02:02 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Business Whirl

* Boss to computer salesman: "Something small -- I just want
  to replace one smart aleck."
                        - - - - -

*   I'm sure y'all have seen banners advertising just about
  everything here on the Net.  The Heinz Catsup Company
  designed one showing a pretty young blonde waitress, who
  while smiling broadly, hands a customer a bottle of catsup.
    The caption was to read "What does she know about your
  husband that you don't ?"  Upon review however, the Board
  of Directors thought it too suggestive.
    After much discussion, it was decided to change it to:
  "He gets it downtown, why not give it to him at home ?"
                        - - - - -

* Disconsolate husband to wife: "That new blood I infused into
  the corporation at the beginning of the year just asked for
  my resignation as Chairman of the Board."
                        - - - - -

* Seen in a local newspaper ad: "Large defense products plant
  has excellent opportunity for assistant office manager.  This
  is not an executive position: job entails considerable work."
                        - - - - -

* Executive secretary to boss: "A voice crying in the wilderness
  would like to speak to you.  It's either your wife or daughter."
                        - - - - -

*   A husband comes home on payday and hands his wife an empty pay
  envelope.  She said, "What happened ?"
    "I'm not sure." he replied.  "Either they made a mistake in the
  payroll or accounting departments or my deductions finally caught
  up with my salary."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Nov 1997 08:44:00 -0500
From:    "Dexter E. Gulledge" <gulledge@MAIL.PTDPROLOG.NET>
Subject: Will Rogers Stuff

An pessimist is a man who thinks the woman driver can't get the caddy in the
honda sized parking space.  An optimist is a man who thing she won't try to
get it in anyway.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Nov 1997 09:33:26 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Veterans Day: Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,

        Today is Veterans Day, so I asked someone who had been in the
Armed Service what he did in the military.  He said, "I was in the Pacific
Theater."  I asked him if any other GIs were with him.  He said "Yes,
there were thousands of us in the Pacific Theater."  I asked him how much
time he spent in the Pacific Theater.  He said that he was in the Pacific
Theater every day for five months!

        I certainly believe that our fighting men need some recreation,
but I think that they don't need to be in the movie theater that long.
Back in 1944, for example, our boys in uniform were having a tough time on
the beaches of Norway - yet there were thousands of GIs off in the movie
theater who could have been helping out.  And as a Concerned American, I
think it is a bit excessive for a serviceman to be at the picture show
every day for five months.  Of course, all Veterans were not in the
Pacific Theatre, and we should be proud of those who fought and who made
sacrifices.

A Concerned American

-----
Composed by Jud McCranie

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Nov 1997 10:19:33 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: KEILLOR'S 5 ELEMENTS OF HUMOR

Most of our readers will be familiar with the work of the
American humorist Garrison Keillor.

Last Saturday, during his weekly monologue on his radio program,
he said that all great humor has five elements:

     1) religion
     2) money
     3) family relationships
     4) sex
     5) mystery

He then said that there was one twelve-word joke that contained
all of these elements.

"God," said the Banker's daughter, "I'm pregnant!  I wonder who
it was?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Nov 1997 10:18:47 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbats: Cynicism as humor and acute observations

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I decided to quit buying gasoline. I'm going to let tailgaters just
push me where I want to go.

I called my lawyer's office to complain about my pain and suffering.
Their commercials are killing me.

Sign seen in a dry cleaner's window (located in a area where there
are several law offices): We press law suits.

Sometimes, I like to do nothing and then rest afterwards.

My fiancee broke up with me. She left the ring in the bathtub.

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall
in love!

I spent most of money on liquor and women. The rest I just wasted.

Plan to be spontaneous.

My garbage man told me he was going on vacation. I asked, "Good,
where are you going?" He said, "Pepsi Cola, Florida." (Hint: a
popular Gulf Coast vacation desination is Pensacola, Florida).

You know you're old when they play a golden oldie and it sounds new
to you.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Nov 1997 11:17:45 -0500
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Hunting <Not offensive>

Sven and Ole were out deer hunting.  Sven was pretty new to this whole deer
hunting thing, so Ole had told him all about a clean kill, and field
dressing, etc.  Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Sven heard some
noise in the woods, he got buck fever and fired.  He went over to where he
thought his deer should be, and realized he had shot his good friend Ole.
Sven rushed him to the hospital.  After what seemed like a very long time,
the doctor came out shaking his head.  He told Sven,  "The gunshot wound
wasn't too bad, and we could have saved Ole had you just not field-dressed
him"!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Nov 1997 12:05:44 -0500
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Hazardous Materials Information Bulletin (may be off. to women)

>From my friend Len.

Subject:  Hazardous Materials Information Bulletin

Hazardous Materials Information Bulletin
Woman - A Chemical Analysis.

Element: Woman.
Symbol: Wo.
Discoverer: Adam.
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 107 lbs, has been known to vary from 80 lbs to 400
lbs
Occurance: Copious quantities in urban areas.

Physical Properties
1. Surface usually covered with paint film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin to common w***e.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties
1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in
alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Potential Hazards
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at
different locations provided specimens do not come into contact with each
other.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Nov 1997 13:30:41 -0500
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Carry on punning!! <off. to non-punsters>

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make
the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.  When they checked
their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead
raccoons.

"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No,
thanks," replied the vultures.  "They're carrion."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Nov 1997 11:59:06 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Ultimate Groaner.......

 Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings
 from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out
 and past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline
 ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
 make such an obvious error, he replied:

 "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Nov 1997 14:09:11 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR-Crude & offensive to really smart people

        Q. What is the definition of a smart ass?

        A. Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone
           and tell you what flavor it is.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Nov 1997 15:34:10 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Spider Robinson Puns

>From the book "The Callahan Chronicals"
 by Spider Robinson, copyright 1997


"...I hear tell Stacy Keach was engaged to the same girl three times.  Every
time the big day come due, she decided she couldn't stand him."
     "Do tell."
     "Yup.  Then the late Harry Truman hisself advised her, said, "Gal, if
you can't stand the Keach, get out of the hitchin.'"
			----------------

"...It reminds me of a book about a bear I read the other day by Richard
Adams -- 'Shardik' its called.  Any of you read it?
     There were a few nods.  The Doc smiled and sipped scotch.
     "For those of you who missed it," he went on, "it's about a primitive
empire that forms around an enormous, semimythical bear.  Well, it, happensI
know something about that empire that Adams forgot to mention, and now's as
good as time as any to pass it along.  You see, the only way to become a
knight in Shardik's empire was tp apply for a personal interview with the
bear.  This had its drawbacks.  If he liked your audition, you were knighted
on the spot -- but if you failed, Lord Shardik was quite likely to club your
head off your shoulders with one mighty paw.  Even so, there were many
applicants -- for the peasantry were poor farmers, and if a candidate failed
for knighthood his family received, by way of booby-prize, a valuable
sheepdog from the Royal KEnnels.  This consoled them greatly, for truly it is
written...

"'For the mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear
that hit you.'"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Nov 1997 to 12 Nov 1997
************************************************
