HUMOR Digest - 10 Nov 1997 to 11 Nov 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 381 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Not the Smartest of the Lot <adult humor>
  2. Will Rogers (Not Offensive)
  3. Jolly Olde England
  4. Fwd humor - poetry (was: Re: Shrooms)
  5. Show Me the Money!!!
  6. Venting your cynicism (very modest humor)
  7. Assembly Language Codes
  8. Veterans Day

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Date:    Mon, 10 Nov 1997 04:05:32 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Not the Smartest of the Lot <adult humor>

*   The Pick-up Couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of
  love making.  The guy considered himself lucky to have been able
  to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.   He was even
  considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just
  a one nite stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't
  already in one.
    "I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said.
    "Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me
  a lot.  I think they call this 'deja screw'."
                                - - - - -

* Then there was the girl who thought that the religious sect known
  as "Calvinism" involved the worship of designer jeans.
                                - - - - -

*   The boy stormed into the room and slammed the door.  "What the
  hell's the matter with you ?" his roommate asked.
    "Well, I know about safe sex and all," he fumed, "but I don't
  think our landlord has any business telling us what to do at all."
    "Whattya mean Jerry ?  As far as I know, our landlord has never
  said one word about any of the tenants' sex lives."
    "Well... I just heard down at the pool that these apartments are
  going condom."
                                - - - - -

*   "I just can't understand all this stuff in psychology class about
  'penis envy'." the coed told her roommate.
    "Well, it's an old theory, from long ago.  I've never held much
  stock in it myself." the roommate replied.
    "Yeah !  I mean... and besides... there are so many guys right here
  on campus more than willing to share theirs."
                                - - - - -

*   The reason I like dating Lori," the office snob remarked primly,
  "is that she's on the up and up."
    "And the reason I'm dating Cyndi," his co-worker replied, "is that
  she's into the up & down, in & out, back & forth... you name it !"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Mon, 10 Nov 1997 08:32:33 -0500
From:    Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Will Rogers (Not Offensive)

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
               (But probably  wishes he had)

--Be careful about calling yourself an expert.  An ex is a has-
  been, and a spurt is a drip under pressure.

--Many of us would be better off financially if it weren't
  for the extravagance of our neighbors.

--An ounce of facts is worth a ton of arguments.

--Keeping peace in the family requires patience, love, and under-
  standing -- and at least two TV sets.

--A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking so much.  A tactful
  man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her
  lips are closed.


Doug's Joke Book

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Date:    Mon, 10 Nov 1997 10:03:28 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Jolly Olde England

Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:  PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN.  ENTER YE ALL BY THIS
DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE
DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES ETC.  WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of
Wales:  THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.  IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED
AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR
DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.  NO OVERTAKING
FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE
WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND.  ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL
BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING
PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES
BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR
MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.YOUR
LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW
TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON
THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE
NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Nov 1997 17:14:22 +100
From:    wouter van den berg <wfberg@DDS.NL>
Subject: Fwd humor - poetry (was: Re: Shrooms)

From: "Rev. Random the Other"
Newsgroups: alt.slack,alt.religion.kibology
truwe@mind.net wrote:

> Hey, you guys ever been forced to write your name vertically, then write
> some adjective for every letter?  Health and English classes, mostly.
>
> Does that stink or what?  I can't count how many times I was assigned
> that.  About 6th grade I just wrote it down on an index card and copied
> it from that ever after.
>
> Annnnnna
> ---

I once listed the recipients of a report at work on the front page so
that the first initials of the first names spelled out "BASTARDS ALL"
vertically (including the space). It included three Directors and two
VP's.  Not a one noticed, of course, but it was posted in the lab for
about a year as the "Standard" Distribution List, used by all for
future report distribution.

Bless their pointy 'lil heads.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Nov 1997 13:32:56 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Show Me the Money!!!

 A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she
 puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car
 in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the
 closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it? "Yes it is,"
 the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No
 thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the
 little extortionist continues. "OK.  How much?" the man replies after
 considering the position he is in "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy
 replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but
 complies to protect his hidden position.

 The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears
 a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her
 little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it
 is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
 "OK.  How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
 disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is
 completed.

 The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your
 ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them,"
 replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father,
 expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
 "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

 "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church
 right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father
 explains as he hauls the child away.

 At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
 curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you
 start that shit in here now," the priest says.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Nov 1997 19:25:51 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Venting your cynicism (very modest humor)

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done already.

A good pun is its own reword.

How can you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?

My 11-year-old son called me at work and told me that I needed to
stop on the way home and buy a G string for his violin. I didn't know
violins wore G-strings.

I'm so proud. My daughter took the SAT test on Saturday and she
thinks she got a 100.

Any mother can tell you that the very best way to get your children's
attention is to either get on the phone or get in the bathtub.

The main requirement for my next husband is, his mother has to be
dead.

Why are the same people who scream for eligious freedom in the
schools trying to shut down Halloween?

Why is it that 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name?

Did you hear about the new all-female delivery service? It's called
UPMS and they deliver whenever the heck they feel like it.

The good news is, I just purchased the latest in computer equipment.
The bad news is that after the 30-day return policy expires, it'll be
obsolete.


source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Nov 1997 01:01:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Assembly Language Codes

>Sent From: Janine A Lovekamp

Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called
MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes
JMP or even BRA (branch).  These instructions are frequently abbreviated
into total incomprehensibility.

Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary.  Anyone who has
spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be
programmed using an undocumented set of instructions.  Frequently when
an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see
the program executing the undocumented instructions.

These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers
have a certain set of them in common.  As a service to humanity, I am
here revealing these common instructions for the first time.

ARG     : Agree to Run Garbage
BDM     : Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN     : Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS     : Damage Disk and Stop
EMR     : Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO     : Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE     : Fake Serious Error
GSI     : Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS     : Go Quarter Speed
HEM     : Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD     : Inhale Dust and Die
IKI     : Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU     : Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF     : Jam Paper Feed
JUM     : Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP     : Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM     : Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW     : Make Aggravating Whine
NNI     : Neglect Next Instruction
OBU     : Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG     : Pass Noxious Gas
QWF     : Quit Working Forever
QVC     : Question Valid Command
RWD     : Read Wrong Device
SCE     : Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ     : Send Data to Japan
TTC     : Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC     : Use Bad Chip
VDP     : Violate Design Parameters
VMB     : Verify and Make Bad
WAF     : Warn After Fact
XID     : eXchange Instruction with Data
YII     : Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM     : Zero All Memory
PI      : Punch Invalid
POPI    : Punch Operator Immediately
RASC    : Read And Shred Card
RPM     : Read Programmers Mind
RSSC    : Reduce Speed, Step Carefully  (for improved accuracy)
RTAB    : Rewind Tape and Break
RWDSK   : ReWind DiSK
SPSW    : Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD    : Seek Record and Scar Disk
WBT     : Water Binary Tree


Lawyer's revenge was not my story.  I just forwarded it.
Sorry for the confusion.

The warning at the TOP of a message is there so you don't have to read something that would offend an oversensitive, PC, self-righteous soul.

---
If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Nov 1997 22:49:24 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Veterans Day

VETERANS DAY

Only seven-year-old Ryan had anything to say about Veterans Day.  "Why
is Veterans Day on the calendar?" he asked.  "Is it the day dogs go to
the veteran?"

Kids Are Still Saying the Darndest Things by Dandi Daley Mackall


--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

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End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Nov 1997 to 11 Nov 1997
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