HUMOR Digest - 9 Nov 1997 to 10 Nov 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 266 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Apt Response
  2. airline humor
  3. more airline laughs
  4. store humor
  5. Initials
  6. Murphys law
  7. mixed up nurse
  8. Christians & Computers

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Date:    Sun, 9 Nov 1997 04:04:18 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Apt Response

*   I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen
  others who have.  I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber
  nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave.
    The new man, in an effort to smooth thing over asked solicitously,
  "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel ?"
    "No thanks." said the customer.  "I'll carry it home under my arm."
                                - - - - -

*   One of my cardiologists's partners has no patience at all with people
  who try to wangle free medical advice.  "Oh, Dr. Hantman," said the
  dowager at a party, "if a patient came to you with (such and such a
  symptom), what would you recommend ?"
    "Well..." the good doctor replied, "First of all, I'd recommend very
  strongly that they make an appointment to come see me at the office."
                                - - - - -

*   We were once at a cook-out at Ray and Gina's, two good neighbors of
  ours.  Ray came up with an exceeding clever and funny comeback to
  something one of the other neighbors had said.
    After the laughter died down, I said, "I wish I'd have said that."
  Ray, knowing my love of collecting jokes and using them said, "You will
  Jim, you will."
                                - - - - -

*   My ego can indeed survive getting trounced at tennis, even by a fem.
  Of course, it helps that she was a semi-pro player at the time, and a
  beautiful woman, with a terrific figure to boot.  After I had collapsed
  on the bench, she said, "I still need to improve my form and speed."
    "Tina," I mouthed between gasps, "if your 'form' improves any more,
  you're gonna need all the speed you can muster."
                                - - - - -

* Asked how it felt to attend the dedication of his own statue, the local
  politician said, "Well... somehow... you begin to feel quite differently
  about pigeons."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 9 Nov 1997 08:04:04 -0800
From:    Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: airline humor

Heres a cute humor story I found: (this is NOT me TALKING):

I REMEMBER THE NIGHT I was working as a flight attendant on the red-eye
 to Manila. A water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked
 the carpet throughout the aft cabin of our 747. A very sleepy woman
 who had become aware of the dampness tugged at my skirt as I passed by.
 Has it been raining? she asked me.
  Keeping a straight face, I replied,
 Yes, but we put the top up. With a sigh of relief, she went back to sleep.

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Date:    Sun, 9 Nov 1997 08:09:07 -0800
From:    Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: more airline laughs

I ASKED A PASSENGER at my airline check-in counter if he wanted
 the smoking or non-smoking section. In heavily accented English
he replied that he preferred a non-smoking window.
I told him that the only window I had left was on the wing.
He looked at me with a horrified expression.
No, no!quote he exclaimed. Inside the airplane inside the airplane.

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Date:    Sun, 9 Nov 1997 08:14:58 -0800
From:    Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: store humor

  THE CHECK-WRITING POLICY at the store where I work has become more
  strict. After a customer wrote a check, I confirmed that the bank
  account existed and there were no infractions. Next I verified his
  address, wrote down his driver's license number and asked for a home
  and business phone number. Finally I requested a major credit card as
  a second I.D. Looking up from the counter, I noticed the man patiently
  waiting with his sleeve rolled up. "Will you be needing a blood sample
  today?" he asked.

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Date:    Sun, 9 Nov 1997 12:39:27 -0600
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: Initials

JimJr's joke about the computer messing up a guys initials reminded me
of how a computer GAVE me my initials.  The computer that issued
paychecks found "Dorothy Anne" too long--so it shortened it to "D. A."

My boss called me "D.A." because of that, so everybody else did, too.  I
went from "Dottie" to "D.A." that first payday.

I stuck with it because people, generally, misspell "Dorothy" as Doorthy
or Dorthey. and "Anne" as Ann or Annie.

I thought all spelling problems were solved until I gave "D.A." over the
phone.

To my dismay, the lady asked "How do you spell that?"

In frustration, I answered "D-E-E-Y-A-H."

I now state "They're just initials."

When asked "For what?,"  I say "Don't Ask" or "Doesn't Answer."


http://www.net4tv.com/net4tv/u2u/spotlite.htm

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Date:    Sun, 9 Nov 1997 16:33:35 -0500
From:    Persson Mattias <mattias.persson@AROSNET.SE>
Subject: Murphys law

Here is my corrections of Murphys Law to make them more 90ths

Instead of "If a stupid plan works it isnt stupid":

"If your name is Saddam Hussein and you make up a exelent plan its stupid."
    or
"If a Saddam made plan works, USA doesnt care."
    or
"If a plan made by Saddam doesnt work, duck or hide, ps; not under a bridge."


"When USbomber attack Baghdad, the safest plase in Town is outside."

"If it should be a swedish only attack made by JAS, its more likly that a
plane will land on your house than a bomb."


* "Ich bin ein Berliner"    -JFK
http://www.gif.arosnet.se

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Date:    Sun, 9 Nov 1997 20:39:28 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: mixed up nurse

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse
Nancy.

"She's incredibly mixed up." said one doctor. "She does everything
absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2
milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every
2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to
give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in
one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Omigod!"
said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr.
Smith's boil!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Nov 1997 22:21:40 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Christians & Computers

[This is another great original piece sent in by the author's wife who
is a subscriber to the list.  kes]

CHRISTIANS AND COMPUTERS
by Anthony Callahan

Being in the technical support industry, you get to experience some of
the most amazing and hilarious examples of human stupidity.  Most
everyone has heard about the Macintosh "cupholder" incident, as well as
the mouse "footpedal" FUBAR.  I, myself have a favorite story about a
man who called himself a "hacker" who managed to delete his system.ini
from Windows 3.1.  (For those of you that are uninitiated, the
system.ini file is required for Windows 3.1 to be able to run at all_)

Recently I have heard a rash of stories about fundamental Christians who
have had some serious spiritual problems with their computers.  A woman
called a friend of mine in tears because her computer was "possessed."
She told him that all she was trying to do was install some new
software, when suddenly a robed character calling himself "The Setup
Wizard" appeared on her screen.  Of course, this must have been a
demonic minion of Satan!  More likely, a demonic minion of Bill Gates.
You form your own conclusions.

Another call I heard about was a man raising Hell wanting to know why he
had all these icons on his screen.  When the agent tried to explain why
they were there, the man informed him of what a good, God-fearing
Protestant he was, and how he did not hold with all this icon business.

It seems to me that these people would do better to call a priest than a
technician.  Their problems, after all, are spiritual, not technical.
You wouldn't call a plumber to fix your car, would you?  And it's not as
if the clergy knows nothing about technology -- the order of monks that
originally transcribed the Bible from Hebrew to Latin have now made it
their business to code the holy tome into HTML.  I know for a fact that
the Pope has been spotted in chat, and several of the churches in my
area even have their own web sites.

Wouldn't it be great if you could just have your minister come by and
bless away the bugs in Windows 95?  Or if prayer could improve your
connection speed on the Internet?  Unfortunately, though, I don't think
god ever intended a 56kbps connection.  It should be clear that the
ability to type 80 words per minute is a sin punishable by carpal tunnel
syndrome.  Even the forbidden fruit was an Apple.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is either that deeply religious
people should never involve themselves in computing, or that local
churches should establish their own help desks.  While it might
entertain me immensely to help someone remove a fetish bundle from their
floppy drive, it's obvious that the pious have no need for an instrument
can calculate the Nth digit of Pi.

					-Heidi and Anthony Callahan

--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Nov 1997 to 10 Nov 1997
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