HUMOR Digest - 8 Nov 1997 to 9 Nov 1997
There are 3 messages totalling 160 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Name Game
  2. Lawyer's Revenge
  3. What Force?

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Date:    Sat, 8 Nov 1997 04:15:37 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Name Game

* We've all seen "Rings" here on the Net, where a group of people
  with similar interests link their homepages together.  Well, a new
  club of Nazi Feminists decided to do the same.  The name of their
  ring is gonna be "The Vicious Circle".
                                - - - - -

*   Some of us have been to High School Reunions and I'm sure some
  have also served on the "committees" too.  Well, I offered to help
  out and found an awful lot of people on my list to be contacted who
  were really the "also rans" of the class.  You know the type, they
  were never allowed to sit at the "in" lunch tables.
    Well, this one girl, named Giselle, was by far and away the oddest
  character in the class. I called and asked if this was Miss Giselle
  Warbeschek Pifflestock.
    She replied, "Yes ... ?"
    I said, "This is Jimmy Moore from Milford Mill, Class of 1959."
    "WHO ?"
    "Jimmy Moore Giselle, don't you remember me ?"
    "No.  I don't believe I do."
    "Oh.  I'm sorry, I must have gotten the wrong Giselle Warbeschek
   Pifflestock."
    "Yes.  I believe you have." [click]
                                - - - - -

*   At work I never dictated correspondence, but wrote it out for the
  secretary to type.  Guess I should have learned to proof-read better
  though.  I once sent a letter to a Mr. William F Hawkins and in my
  shorthand style, had put the name as "Hawkins, Wm F atty".
    The letter went out to Mr. William Fatty Hawkins.
                                - - - - -

*   Pity the poor guy with only initials for a name though.  I remember
  a R.B. Cody.  Well, the State, like any bureaucracy, doesn't deal well
  with oddities.  He had even filled out all the forms as "R. (only)
  B. (only) Cody."  His first pay check was issued to Ronly Bonly Cody.
    Poor guy was known as "Ronly Bonly" from then on.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 8 Nov 1997 14:15:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Lawyer's Revenge

USEFUL LAW DEGREE
True Story - I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger.
I couldn't afford one.  Now I can, and I have one.  It's a '70
Mustang,and her name is Bessie.  Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile,
male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car.  Chromed
engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.  I'm driving Bessie on
Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck.  He decides to
turn in front of me without a blinker.  I accelerate to swerve and avoid
him, and this crazy, over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car
with her hand up.

Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.  She proceeds to yell in
my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot."  I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by
nature, so I ignore this.  As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me
again.  Twice?

I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?"  (Ed. note: The Doppler Effect could be
applicable here)
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this.  Here comes a cop.  I'll wave
him down."

THE POLICE?  This woman is a trip.  She waves him down, and proceeds to
tell him that she observed me speeding.  "What happened?" he asks.  I
told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33
mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

She's pushing it.  I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I
give the paperwork to the cop.  She tries to find another thing to screw
me with.

She says, "What about those big tires?  They CAN'T be legal."  I began
feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.

"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop,
"Which makes them street legal as a replacement."

Ethel gets angry.  She whines, "So you're not going to give out any
tickets to this jerk?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."
I've about had it.  So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left
the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here.
According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right
angle.  This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a
ticketable offense."

"What?" The cop looks confused.

"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me.  A
citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio
(my new favorite case).  Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no
probable cause to detain me.  That is anindictable offense."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her
arrest.  I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want
her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a
Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he
authorized the summonses.  She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic
tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license,
as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!  Of course, if she
demands a trial I won't prosecute.  But the look on her face as she
walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me. Yeah, I've got a
law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.


---
People say I have a bad attitude. Who cares!

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Date:    Sat, 8 Nov 1997 23:35:54 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: What Force?

Upon visiting Taco Bell/KFC during this Star Wars movie rerelease period,
I was greeted with a poster featuring an image of Yoda on some sort of
a promotion which beckoned in large letters, "FEEL THE FORCE."

It was not immediately clear what was being promoted, but the only thing
that came to my mind was perhaps their bean burritos.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Nov 1997 to 9 Nov 1997
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