HUMOR Digest - 7 Nov 1997 to 8 Nov 1997
There are 7 messages totalling 277 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Mouths of Babes...
  2. Cruelty <off. to women & Indians>
  3. Joke-Rated : Aggression
  4. Microsoft Husbands (off to MS fans)
  5. Rejected Dr. Seuss Books <adult langugage>
  6. <HUMOR> Papal Erection (suggestive)
  7. Halloween joke (might be offensive to blacks and anti-nudists)

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Date:    Fri, 7 Nov 1997 04:12:24 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Mouths of Babes...

*   A professor at London University, just appointed to a new post
  in the United States, informed his three-year-old daughter that
  she would soon be making her home in America.
    That night, when her parents heard her prayers, the little girl
  started with, "Good-bye dear God, I'm going to America."
                                - - - - -

* Young lad at dancing school to girl sitting on a chair: "I'd like
  to challenge you to the next dance."
                                - - - - -

* My neighbor's two youngsters built a club house in their yard.  On
  the wall in plain lettering was a list of the club rules.  The 1st
  one read: "Nobody act big, nobody act small, everybody act medium."
                                - - - - -

* Small boy to playmate, as a really pretty lil' girl passes by: "If
  I ever stop hating girls, I'm gonna stop hating her first !"
                                - - - - -

* A day care center was reviewing the classic nursery rhymes with the
  children.  They were encouraged to memorize them and try to recite
  for the rest of the class the next day.  One girl started out with,
  "Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curves away."
                                - - - - -

* A six-year-old came home one day full of praise for her new swimming
  instructor.  Her Mother asked how old he was.  The girl thought for
  a moment and replied, "I'm really not sure Mommie.  He's either a
  late teenager or an early man."
                                - - - - -

* Holding tightly to her Father's hand, a little girl peeked cautiously
  from the rim of the Grand Canyon into the mile deep abyss with its
  tumbling peaks and gorges.  Recoiling, the youngster gasped: "Golly
  Daddy, what the heck happened here ?"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Fri, 7 Nov 1997 10:25:23 MET
From:    Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject: Cruelty <off. to women & Indians>

Three lords are discussing their lives spent in former British colonies.
One of them says: "I lived forty years in India. You wouldn't beleive
how cruel the life is there. Imagine: when a man dies, his wife is
buried alive with him!"

Another lord comments: "How cruel indeed. The poor chap does not deserve
something like that!"


--
Jan Kucera  postmaster, webmaster, system administrator
Department of Computer Science
Faculty of Civil Engineering
Technical University Brno, Czechia

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Date:    Fri, 7 Nov 1997 13:05:00 PST
From:    "RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/WRO" <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-Rated : Aggression

Clinton and Gore are heading back toward the clubhouse from the
eighteenth green one fine afternoon. Clinton looks over at Gore and
remarks, "God, I tell you something, Al, the first thing I'm going to
do when I get home is to rip Hillary's underwear off!" Al looks
askance at Bill and asks, somewhat taken aback,.. "B-But Bill.. I've
known you and Hillary for years,.. Don't you think you should, uhh..
I've NEVER known you to be so aggressive in the bedroom!" Clinton
looks at Gore, then shrugs. "Well, I guess somethings just slip past
you, buddy. But I'll tell you something.. These damn panties have
been creeping up my ass for the last six holes!!"

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Date:    Fri, 7 Nov 1997 13:11:53 +0100
From:    Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Microsoft Husbands (off to MS fans)

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three
Microsoft employees and still died a Virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it
herself The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was
going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry,
it'll  be up any minute now...."


* "I will have MICROoracle for lunch and SOFTnetscape at dinner"
                                     --  Bill Gates

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Date:    Fri, 7 Nov 1997 07:31:59 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Rejected Dr. Seuss Books <adult langugage>

>From a friend.

 REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS:

   1.   One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
   2.   Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
   3.   Fox in Detox
   4.   Who Shat in the Hat?
   5.   Horton Hires a Ho
   6.   The Flesh-Eating Lorax
   7.   How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
   8.   Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
   9.    Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
   10.  The Cat in the Blender
   11.  Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
   12.  Are You My Proctologist?
   13.  Yentl the Lentil
   14.  My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
   15.  Aunts in My Pants
   16.  Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
   17.  Horton Fakes an Orgasm
   18.  The Grinch's Ten Inches

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Date:    Fri, 7 Nov 1997 11:52:08 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Papal Erection (suggestive)

Subject: The Pope's erection...

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his
surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection.
Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.

"Doctor, this should not be possible," he said, "I'm the Pope, and I'm
celibate! I haven't had one of these for 30 years!"

The doctor's reply was, "Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for
all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time".

The Pope exclaimed "But you must do something about this! I have mass in
an hour, and this thing isn't going away!"

The doctor replied "You have two options... either I can administer an
injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and
make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there
and relieve yourself."

Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknown to
him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as
the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and
begins snapping away. The Pope immediately summons his security guards,
who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up.

The paparazzo shouts out, "Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization!
What has happened to your forgiveness?"

Upon refection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying
"Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot
return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on
the film to be seen in the outside world."

Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, "But this is
how I make my living! If you take my camera, I'll lose the money I could
have sold the photographs for!"

The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. "Very well, we will compensate you. How
about $100,000?"

Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile
attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is
therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peter's, with the offending
camera around his neck. Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:

"Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope," says the man,
"how much you pay for it?"

"Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie," he replies, "I must confess that I
paid $100,000 for it."

"Ah," says the Japanese gentleman, "look like someone saw you coming!"


Submitted by:  James Maxwell

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Date:    Fri, 7 Nov 1997 12:08:14 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Halloween joke (might be offensive to blacks and anti-nudists)

 Trick or Treat

 There were these two children of color trying to decide what to get
 dressed as to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Finally the oldest
 one, Robert, turned to his sister Francine and said, "I know, we'll go
 as Hansel and Gretel."

 Well, they dressed up as Hansel and Gretel on Halloween night and off
 they went to ring doorbells all over the neighborhood. They came to a 
 house on the end of their block and Robert rang the doorbell.

 "Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled in unison.

 The old man at the door peered down at them and said. "And who are you?"

 "Why, we're Hansel and Gretel," Robert said.

 The man shook his head."You can't be Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel
 were white." And then he slammed the door on their faces.

 Well Robert and Francine went back to their house and Robert thought
 furiously. "I know," he said. "You can go as Little Bo Peep and I'll go
 as Little Boy Blue."

 So they changed quickly into their new costumes and headed back out the
 door. A few minutes later, they found themselves at the same house as
 earlier.

 "Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled again as the door opened.

 Once again the man stared down at them and said, "Who might you be." "Why
 we're Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue," Robert said. The man shook his
 head and said. "You can't be Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue. They
 were white." And he slammed the door on their faces.

 Robert and Francine walked back to the house, their candy bags empty. But
 Robert got an idea and quickly slipped out of his costume. Then he helped
 Francine out of hers.

 When the knock came at the door, the old man grabbed his basket of candy
 and opened the door. Much to his surprise, there were two naked black
 children standing on his porch.

 "Well, what do we have here," he asked.

 "Two M&Ms," Robert said. "One with nuts and one without."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Nov 1997 to 8 Nov 1997
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