HUMOR Digest - 31 Oct 1997 to 1 Nov 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 495 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore Put Downs
  2. Michael Jackson humor (paedophilic)
  3. Stress (Adult)
  4. Barbs: Cynical comments which may be funny
  5. Will Rogers (Not offensive)
  6. Press release: May be offensive to Bill Gates
  7. Humor - Compendium Of Chicken Jokes (2nd of 5) (2)
  8. Trick or Treat!!!
  9. Dianacrash jokes(offensive to all Dianafans)
 10. English
 11. Cat tale (poss. suggestive)

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Date:    Fri, 31 Oct 1997 05:47:12 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore Put Downs

*   At the risk of starting a debate, I'd like to begin with one of
  the most famous "put-downs" of all time.  It's been attributed to
  everybody from Harry Truman to Barney.  But, the originator of
  this famous line was in reality Winston Churchill.
    Lady Nancy Astor once got annoyed at Churchill.  "Winston," she
  said sharply, "if you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee."
    "And if I were your husband," responded Churchill, "I'd drink it."
                                - - - - -

*   It had been quite a few weeks since a farmer had seen his neighbor,
  and when he did, he said, "Miss Musgrove, you seem to be getting a
  little bit stouter."
    "You old fool." she replied, "Don't you know you musn't ever tell
  a woman she is getting fat ?"
    "Oh." the farmer replied contritely, "I didn't think a woman your
  age would mind at all."
                                - - - - -

*   Speaking on putting on weight, I saw an old girlfriend of mine not
  too long ago.  I'm afraid I passed right by her, and she said, "Jimmy,
  aren't you even going to speak to me ?"
    Embarrassed, I stopped, turned around, and replied, "Sorry, I didn't
  even recognize you."
    "Well..." she said, "it's really me.  The same old Fanny [Smith],
  you ding-dong."
    I couldn't stop myself and replied, "Well, it may indeed be the
  same old [Smith], but it's sure not the same old fanny."
                                - - - - -

*   Y'all may remember Babette, my neighbor.  She was at a banquet to
  raise funds to send textbooks to Columbia's sister city in Brazil --
  Duque de Cashias Bondeux, and was snubbed by some Yuppette.
    Another Yuppette, trying to keep the peace said, "Pay no mind to
  Mitzi, she's often rude to those she considers her social inferiors."
    Babette simply shrugged and said, "How in the world does she ever
  find any ?"
                                - - - - -

*   An aging glamor girl said to a group at the bar, "Well, I'm finally
  approaching forty."
    A voice from the group said, "Oh ?  From which direction ?"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Fri, 31 Oct 1997 12:02:01 -0000
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Michael Jackson humor (paedophilic)

Michael Jackson and his wife has just had a son and were in the emergency
room talking to the doctor.
Michael Jackson asked the doctor, "So how soon can we have sex?"
The doctor replied, "I'd wait until he's at least 12".

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Oct 1997 08:47:15 -0500
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Stress (Adult)

The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire
to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Oct 1997 10:18:48 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Barbs: Cynical comments which may be funny

Since science tells us that sound will not travel through a vacuum,
why is my Hoover so loud?

I thought I had seen everything that can be done while driving a car.
But this morning, I saw a guy playing a bugle while at the wheel.

It's not officially an empty nest until they get their stuff out of
the basement.

To the girl who waited on me at the Gap: My T-shirt said YALE, not
y'all.

Why isn't there an explosion when you pour gasoline on fire ants?

The two worst years of marriage are the first year and the year you
are in now.

I know why beer passes through you so fast. It doesn't have to stop
to change colors.

Sign on bank: We can loan you enough money to get you completely out
of debt!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

My girlfriend asked me if I'll love her in the morning. I told her it
depends on what happens tonight.

You know you're in trouble when your wife checks out Playgirl
magazine then looks at you and laughs.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Oct 1997 10:55:36 -0500
From:    Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Will Rogers (Not offensive)

                THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
                  (But probably wishes he had)

--Colleges are trying to find out what their grduates do after
  graduation.  Employers are trying, too.

--Sign on  California freeway:  All in favor of conserving
  gasoline please raise your right foot.

--Not all the teeth put into our laws these days are wisdom
  teeth.

--There's a new margarine on the market named "Rumor" --
  because it spreads so easily and quickly.

--Love is like a vacation -- when it takes hold, you
  don't have to be told.

--Some people do nothing in particular, but they do
  it very well.


Doug's Joke Book

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Oct 1997 16:07:53 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Press release: May be offensive to Bill Gates

Press Release:   Immediate Distribution.
Questions:       Contact MSFT, (206) 555-1212
Subject:         Microsoft to buy the U.S. Government


REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made
by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that
it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of
America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
arrangement for everyone".

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the
press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed
as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is
planned  for July of next year, and the federal government is expected
to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft
vice president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly
and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with
Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government,
reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the
mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to
it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track
record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support
and confidence".  Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the
$200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at
Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond
as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for
the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.
Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be
abolished.  "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how
well we're doing".

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking
place".

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United
States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in
government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The
company offers a wide range of products and services for public,
business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it
easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power
of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy
and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C.,
the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Oct 1997 10:55:23 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Compendium Of Chicken Jokes (2nd of 5)

We've seen many chicken jokes posted on this list. Some unknown individual
has compiled these which I've copied from another list.

		Why did the chicken cross the road?


Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Big Five Accounting/Consulting Firm:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly
competitive market. Big Five Accounting/Consulting Firm, in a partnering
relationship with the client, on a best chicken basis, helped the chicken
by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation
process.  Let us show what we can do for your chicken today!

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
        selected in such a way that they are now genetically
        dispositioned to cross roads.

Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road?
           Did he cross it with a toad?
           Yes the chicken crossed the road,
           but why it crossed it, I've not been told!

Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death..

Ernest Hemingway:  To die. In the rain.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Oct 1997 13:12:25 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Trick or Treat!!!

   The Top Ten Reasons Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex:

 10.  Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack;
  9.  If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again;
  8.  The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some;
  7.  You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy;
  6.  Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else;
  5.  If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months;
  4.  If you wear your batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky;
  3.  Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning;
  2.  Less guilt the next morning;

 .......and the # 1 reason trick or treating is better than sex.....

  1.  If You Don't Get What You Want, You Can Always Go Next Door!

                     Happy Halloween!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Oct 1997 14:32:52 -0500
From:    Persson Mattias <mattias.persson@AROSNET.SE>
Subject: Dianacrash jokes(offensive to all Dianafans)

Last week the swedish largest newspaper told the story about what a
brittish paper said about the possibility of Diana being assasined. But
they forgot some possibilities

Diana and Diodi was kiddnapped by aliens and clones was in the car.

Diana only faked her death. She let a duplicate take her place.

The driver had to much alcohol and drugs in his blood and he drove to fast.

When asked about their responisbilities these people had this to say:

The queen: I didnt kill her, i was sleeping and i know nothing about any
assasins in Paris on MCs

Charles: I was out flying on my own.

Saddam Hussein: It was the mother of all carcrashes and i had not any scuds
in Paris in a Tunnel.

Fran Persson, swedish stateminister: I did that, then i poisoned the water
in south of Sweden and then i made Jim Carry smart.



* Ich bin ein Berliner"   -JFK
http://www.gif.arosnet.se
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Oct 1997 14:33:10 -0500
From:    Persson Mattias <mattias.persson@AROSNET.SE>
Subject: Compendium Of Chicken Jokes (2nd of 5) 

			Additions

me: It'4s mother was on the other side

Hitler: To create Lebensraum for all arian chickens

Bevis: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ..he he, chickenfood, he he..

The chicken: I saw another chick on the other side


http://www.gif.arosnet.se

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Oct 1997 17:08:55 -0600
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: English

Not only does the English Language borrow words from other languages,
it sometimes chases them down dark alleys, hits them over the head, and
goes through their pockets.
                                                -- Eddy Peters

Not only that, instead of the money, it escapes with the pocket lint.
                                                -- Don Roberts

(From Dr. Ralph Johnson's Patterns Discussion Group, as witnessed by me)


http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Nov 1997 02:00:09 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Cat tale (poss. suggestive)

 Calling in Sick....A Cat Owner's Story

  Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

  On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth
was to humiliating to reveal.  I simply mentioned that I had sustained a
head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.  By
then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

  In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men
feel the most pain.  The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to
my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

  As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast
when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.  "Ed!" she
hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead.  Come reset it."

  "You know where the button is."  I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).  "Reset it yourself!"

  "I am scared!"  She pleaded.  "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" Pause.  "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

  No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm
the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a
condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile
to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are
over-taxed.  And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and
she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.

  So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was
I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button.  It is the last action I remember performing.  It struck
without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a
hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. it was our new
kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.

  She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater) had been poised around the corner and
stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.  At precisely the second I
was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged
them with her needle-like claws.

  Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their
masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly
bodily movements.  Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort
inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well
trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight
of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure.  Wild
animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

  Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is
alarmed.  It was a dismal irony.  But, whereas cats seek great heights to
escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my
ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

  When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.  Having been fully
briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their
work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.  My wife told me I should
be flattered.

  At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept
silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.  "What's the matter, cat got
your tongue?"

  If they had only known

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End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Oct 1997 to 1 Nov 1997
***********************************************
