HUMOR Digest - 30 Oct 1997 to 31 Oct 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 430 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sexploits <adult humor>
  2. Cold Mountain Air/A haloween Treat!!!
  3. Redneck Census Form (would be offensive to rednecks if they could read)
  4. To The Smoker (adult, Off. to smokers)
  5. Joke (offensive to Government Employees)
  6. Church bulletin blooper
  7. News Flash
  8. Art theft in Paris
  9. Humor - Compendium Of Chicken Jokes (1st of 5)
 10. Too Many Choices
 11. Doubts Anyone? <adult,off. to French>
 12. HUMOR - offensive to Jehovah Witness

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Date:    Thu, 30 Oct 1997 03:57:15 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sexploits <adult humor>

*   The tavern braggart was once again relating his sexual exploits.
  "You know," he droned on, "I once banged the cutest lil' Oriental
  stewardess right on the plane during an over-night flight.  Hey !
  I really put on a sustained performance that time.  In fact, I was
  so damn good, they oughta make a movie about it."
    "I think they already did." replied the bartender.  "Wasn't that
  the one called 'Thirty Seconds over Tokyo' ?"
                                - - - - -

*   After the pickup couple retired to the hotel in Rio de Janeiro,
  the man confessed, "I'm afraid it's been a while since I've had
  sex.  I may be a little rusty."
    "Oh great !" said the girl, who spoke and understood only some
  English, took him a little too literally: "You waken up with the
  smile, and I with the lockjaw."
                                - - - - -

*   The two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was
  always after the girl to quit smoking.  One afternoon, she lit up
  after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
    She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good
  cigarette after sex."
    He replied, "But they stunt your growth."  She asked if he ever
  smoked, and he replied that he had never.
    Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's
  your excuse then ?"
                                - - - - -

* There's a rumor going around Hollywood that a group of porn movie
  makers are going to combine assets and form a studio of their own.
  The name they're considering is "21st Century Fux".
                                - - - - -

*   "I finally made it with that girl from Georgia." said the student
  to his buddy.  "In fact, we did it right in her parents' living
  room after they went to sleep.  But I didn't understand her fixation
  on exotic fruit at all.  As I was about to climax, all she said was
  'Kumquat...  Kumquat...  Kumquat...'"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Oct 1997 10:01:13 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Cold Mountain Air/A haloween Treat!!!

 Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend. When they
 get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says
 "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well just put them here
 between my thighs and that will warm them up."

 After lunch  the guy goes out to chop some more wood and comes back
 saying, "Man, my hands are really freezing!" She says again "Well just
 put them here between my thighs again and that will warm them up."
 He does and again it warms his hands up. After dinner, he goes out one
 more time to chop some wood up to get them through the night. When he
 returns, he says once more "Honey, my hands are really really freezing!"
 She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get
 cold?"
			===========================

                        A Halloween Treat!!

 Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
 her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
 appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to
 go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a
 diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must
 be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
 pumpkin."

 Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and
 Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up,
 looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands
 the the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a
 pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
 "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
 "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
 "I can't remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other...."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Oct 1997 12:01:44 -0500
From:    "J.M. A'Hearn" <jahearn@RXS.COM>
Subject: Redneck Census Form (would be offensive to rednecks if they could read)

  Last name: ________________
  (Check appropriate box)
  First name:                    First name:

  [_] Billy-Bob                  [_] Bobby-Sue
  [_] Billy-Joe                  [_] Bobby-Jo
  [_] Billy-Ray                  [_] Bobby-Ann
  [_] Billy-Sue                  [_] Bobby-Lee
  [_] Billy-Mae                  [_] Bobby-Ellen
  [_] Billy-Jack                 [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

  Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
  Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
  Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
  Occupation:
  [_] Farmer                     [_] Mechanic
  [_] Hair Dresser               [_] Waitress
  [_] Un-employed                [_] Dirty Politician

  Spouse's Name:         __________________________
  2nd Spouse's Name:      __________________________
  3rd Spouse's Name:      __________________________
  Lover's Name:          __________________________
  2nd Lover's Name:      __________________________

  Relationship with spouse:
  [_] Sister                     [_] Aunt
  [_] Brother                    [_] Uncle
  [_] Mother                     [_] Son
  [_] Father                     [_] Daughter
  [_] Cousin                     [_] Pet

  Number of children living in household:        ___
  Number of children living in shed:     ___
  Number of children that are yours:     ___

  Mother's Name: _______________________
  Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

  Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

  Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

  Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
  ___ Total number of vehicles you own
  ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
  ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
  ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
  ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

  Firearms you own and where you keep them:
  ____ truck             ____ kitchen
  ____ bedroom           ____ bathroom
  ____ shed

  Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

  Do you have a gun rack?
  [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

  Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
  [_] The National Enquirer   [_] The Globe
  [_] TV Guide                [_] Soap Opera Digest
  [_] Rifle and Shotgun

  ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
  ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
  ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

  How often do you bathe:
  [_] Weekly
  [_] Monthly
  [_] Not Applicable

  How many teeth?        ___
  Color of teeth:
  [_] Green             [_] Brownish-Yellow
  [_] Brown              [_] Black
  [_] N/A

  Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
  [_] Red-Man

  How far is your home from a paved road?
  [_] 1 mile
  [_] 2 miles
  [_] don't know

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Oct 1997 12:52:34 -0500
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: To The Smoker (adult, Off. to smokers)

Sign posted in a non-smoker's house

TO THE SMOKER

Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It permeates the air and
putrifies my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place
without my consent. I have a pleasure also. I like a beer now and again. The
residue from my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on a chair
and pissed on your head and clothes without your consent?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Oct 1997 17:55:57 +0000
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: Joke (offensive to Government Employees)

 Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.  The first man
 was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third was a
 chemist, and the fourth a government worker.

 To show off the engineer called his dog, "T-square do your stuff".
 T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and drew
 a circle, a square, and a triangle.  Everyone agreed that was pretty
 smart.

 The accountant said his dog could do better.  He called his dog,
 "Spreadsheet, do your stuff".  Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and
 returned with a dozen cookies.  He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3
 cookies each.  Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 The chemist said his dog could do better.  He called his dog, "Measure
 do your stuff".  Measure walked over to the ice box and took out a quart
 of milk.  He got a 10 oz glass and poured exactly 8 ounces of milk
 without spilling a drop.  Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 The three men turned to the government worker and asked - "What can your
 dog do?"  The government worker called his dog, "Coffee break do your
 stuff".  Coffee break jummed to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the
 milk, took a dump on the paper, sexually assaulted the three other dogs,
 claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for
 unsafe working conditions, and put in for workmans compensation.  He
 then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.  Everyone agreed
 that was smart.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Oct 1997 12:09:11 PDT
From:    Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: Church bulletin blooper

>Forwarded to me by a friend:

Just returned from a church which had the following notice in the bulletin:

ALL SAINTS' SUNDAY.  Next Sunday, November 2, we'll remember each member
of our parish who has been united with Christ in eternal glory this past
year.  If you'd like to add other names to that list, please contact the
Church Office.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Oct 1997 16:13:07 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: News Flash

Heard on the radio in Portland, OR  that Tonya Harding, defrocked figure
skater, had her prize Ford truck stolen from the parking lot of a local
shopping mall.

At which point the announcer asked the obvious question:  Why didn't she
use the Club?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Oct 1997 15:08:28 -0800
From:    Roger Taranto <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Art theft in Paris

 Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings
 from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out
 past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran
 out of gas.  When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
 make such an obvious error, he replied:
 "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Oct 1997 20:26:51 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Compendium Of Chicken Jokes (1st of 5)

We've seen many chicken jokes posted on this list. Some unknown individual
has compiled these which I've copied from another list.

		Why did the chicken cross the road?

>Saddam Hussein: It is the Mother of all Chickens Jokes.

>Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
                  the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

>Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning
               except to him.

>Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

>The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
            chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed
            the road, and there was much rejoicing.

>Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both
             cross roads AND balance your checkbook..

>Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

>Capt JT Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

>Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated
            that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
            juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such
            occurrences into being.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Oct 1997 19:01:55 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Too Many Choices

Our lives are drowning in options!  And it's eating up all our time.  I
like to watch TV as much as the next guy (five or six hours a night,
tops) but nowadays it seems like it takes 15 minutes to go through all
the 197 channels trying to decide what to watch.  Well, that's 15
minutes I don't have to waste.  It makes me mad.

Today's sad truth is we have become prisoners of "choice."

Did you ever wonder how the average prison inmate packs so much into one
day?  Well, maybe it's because he's NOT sitting around agonizing about
what movie to see, what checkbook pattern, coffee maker, hair care
product or Methodist Church to try.  He's not lingering over the dessert
cart at the prison mess.  No sir!  It's sheer cake or nothing because
the man's got a job to do and THAT'S why your license plates show up ON
TIME every year.

A prisoner doesn't CHOOSE.  He KNOWS.  That's probably why he's called a
"convict."  By replacing your own "choices" with "convictions," you can
save endless hours of time.


Rich Hall, Self-Help for the Bleak, Copyright 1994

---
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Oct 1997 09:38:12 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Doubts Anyone? <adult,off. to French>

A Frenchman who was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks confided in his
friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for   so long like this.  When
I'm away, I just don't know what she is doing.There's always the doubt,
always the doubt. Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what.  Because we're
such close friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're
gone."  "You would do that for me, Pierre?"

Charles said, relieved.  "Oh thank you so very much.  I know I really
should trust my wife.  But it's just that there's always the doubt, always
the doubt." So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris
three weeks later.  The two men met again.  "Charles, I'm afraid I have bad
news for you," Pierre said. "Well?" "The very first night you were gone, I
watched this man go to your house.  Your wife opened the door naked and
kissed and hugged him.  He fondled her breasts.  He rubbed her crotch.
Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed up the
tree outside your house and watched them in the bedroom. "And so...?"
inquired Charles.  "Well, first they took off all his clothes.
Incidentally, my dear friend, your wife has a lovely body." "She does
indeed," said Charles thoughtfully.  "What happened then?" "Then?" Pierre
shook his head sorrowfully.  "Then is when they turned out the
light.  I could see nothing.  I could learn nothing more."

Charles sighed a deep sigh.  "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the
doubt, always the doubt."

* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Oct 1997 23:13:23 +0000
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - offensive to Jehovah Witness

Q - Why don't Jehovah Witnesses like Halloween?

A - They don't like all those strangers coming up on the porch and
    ringing their doorbells.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Oct 1997 to 31 Oct 1997
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