HUMOR Digest - 29 Oct 1997 to 30 Oct 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 706 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Man, Is He TIRED!
  2. The New Hooker <adult>
  3. Men's Follies
  4. Another lawyer joke <Groan> Also, off to lawyers
  5. Preaching up a storm <potentially off. to Catholics>
  6. Thanksgiving
  7. Stupid
  8. Humor -- The Pizza Misogomy
  9. Basic Cooking/Food Terms
 10. Murphys Law
 11. wedding night <sexual nature>
 12. Country song titles (Not offensive)
 13. New Names for the Mir Space Station
 14. Another Halloween Joke <clean>
 15. FW: True Stories (probably not offensive :-))
 16. The Bible according to college students
 17. Brickbats

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 02:36:58 -0500
From:    Hal Tremper <Quixote96@AOL.COM>
Subject: Man, Is He TIRED!

A woman from Akron, Ohio is suing the Cooper Tire Co. for loss of
companionship. The charges stem from an accident in 1996 in which her
husband, who is employed at a Cooper Tire plant, had a hot rubber solution
spilled on him. The woman alleges that ever since the accident, her husband
has been too _tired_ for sex.

The man, who is 66 years old, is still employed at the plant. A company
spokesman said that the man refuses to talk to management about re_tire_ment.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 09:40:31 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The New Hooker <adult>

The new hooker just finished her first trick.  When she came back down
to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the
details.

She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't
have that much".

"So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".

"Finally I said, well, how much do you have"?

The marine said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job"

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said " he pulled it
out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and
then the first hand above the second hand....."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge"! " then what did
you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.


* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 03:52:52 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Men's Follies

*   Jim and Max decided to try a Bungee Jump off of a bridge on
  the Via Anchieta Highway to see if they could make some money.
  After they got it set up, some people gathered around, but no
  one was buying tickets.
    Jim said, "Maybe you should demonstrate it, so they get the
  idea."  After Max was strapped in, he jumped and fell almost to
  the ground before springing back.  As he came back up the next
  time, Jim saw that his clothes were torn.
    Max went down again and this time when he came back up, he was
  bleeding.  Jim thought,  "What the hell's going on here ?"
    Max went down another time, but this time when he sprang back
  up, Jim saw that Max had contusions and cuts all over his body.
  Jim pulled Max safely in and asked, "What happened mate ?"
    Max moaned, "I don't know. What the hell's a Pinata anyway ???"
                                - - - - -

*   Vernon Gray, a Howard County Councilman, was running for Vice
  President of a nationwide county association.  The story's going
  around that he chartered a bus for some of the delegates and took
  them to a farm in the western part of the county.
    "This is how I stay in shape." he told his guests. "Just working
  on the farm.  Today I have to put in the hay."
    When they reached the barn, there was no hay waiting to be thrown
  into the mow.  "Hey Samuel !" Vernon shouted. "Where's the hay ?"
    A voice from inside the barn replied, "Sorry Vernon, I ain't had
  no time to throw it back down since you forked it up for all those
  newspaper reporters yesterday."
                                - - - - -

*   A Kentucky Judge once had a case in which the defendant was
  accused of kicking another citizen in the stomach.  The defense
  argued that there was no real evil intent.  When the defendant took
  the stand, the prosecutor shouted at him, "How in the world can you
  possible say that you delivered this terrific kick in the stomach
  without intending to ?"
   "Well..." the defendant replied, "He just turned around too damn
  quick, that's all."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 12:12:27 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Another lawyer joke <Groan> Also, off to lawyers

A man walks into a lawyer's office and inquires about the
lawyer's rates. "$250.00 for three questions", replies the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asks the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replies, "and what was your third question?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 06:57:17 -0500
From:    Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Preaching up a storm <potentially off. to Catholics>

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After
the mass, he asked the monsignor how to get past this bad nerve stuff.  The
monsignor said " when I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put
a large glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous,
I just take a little sip of the vodka and it really calms me down."

The next Sunday, the new priest decided to take the monsignor's advice.  At
the very beginning of the sermon, he got really nervous and took a few healthy
drinks from the vodka glass; he then proceeded to talk most effectively and he
thoroughly enjoyed himself.

Delighted at his new-found oratorical prowess, the young priest returned some
time after the service to his office.  Tacked to his office door, he found
the following note from the monsignor:

 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 3. here are 12 disciples, not 10.
 4. Jesus was consecrated not constipated.
 5. Jacob wagered the donkey; he did not "bet his ass"
 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
    and Spook.
 8. David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the shit out of him."
 9. When David was his by a rock and knocked off his donkey, avoid saying that
    "he was stoned off his ass."
10. We do not refer to the cross as "One Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, He said, "Take this and
    eat it, for it is my body." He did NOT say "Eat Me."
12. The Virgin Mary is NOT referred to as "Mary with the Cherry."
13. Mary and Martha are the two sisters of Lazarus and not  "J. C.'s bimbos"
14. Finally, next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
    Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 09:39:30 -0500
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Thanksgiving

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T

 10.  "Reach in and grab the giblets."
  9.  "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"
  8.  "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"
  7.  "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
  6.  "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
  5.  "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
  4.  "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her
       down."
  3.  "It's cool whip time!"
  2.  "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

.. and the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but
isn't.....

  1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts
     out."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 10:45:15 -0500
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Stupid

A true story out of San Francisco...

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not
the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The
Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 10:27:51 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor -- The Pizza Misogomy

Any way you slice it, pizza made by mistake didn't go to waste

Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle News Services

CRYSTAL RIVER, Fla. -- This "to go" order proved to be a little too much.
Extra delivery people formed a tag team in order to guarantee customer
satisfaction.

 A school's order for 400 slices of pizza Friday was mistakenly translated
into an order for 400 pizzas -- at 10 slices a pie.

 But when the third wave of pizzas arrived at Crystal River High School,
and the smell of hot pizza enveloped the building, school officials
realized there was something amiss.  Pepperoni. Sausage. Veggie.

 The pizza onslaught was stopped at 233 pies from Hungry Howie's.  Shirley
Poe, school district food service director, had put the order last week
because kitchen equipment was being moved to a new cafeteria.  "Shirley Poe
was talking servings, and I was talking pizzas. I don't talk in servings,"
Hungry Howie's owner David Amen said.

Although there was pie aplenty, it didn't go to waste.  Some extras were
sent to nearby middle and primary schools; others were sold to high school
staff and football players to serve as dinner before the game.

 "It was perfect for the kids," Poe said. "The kids got fed -- abundantly."

 There were no reports that doggie bags were needed.
		~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Teacher: Did your father help you with this sum?
Johnny:  No. I got it wrong myself.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 14:04:17 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Basic Cooking/Food Terms

               ~~~  Basic Cooking/Food Terms  ~~~

Arab coffee: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny
cups at gunpoint, or found in graduate student's offices.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the
average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Frying Pan: Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and
various vegatable matter.  Remains may be removed from surface with
diluted solution of sulfuric acid.

Microwave oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of
radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking
compartment.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat
and poultry.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children
were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation
of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in,
in addition to when it is removed.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients
you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, for a dish you'll never
make.

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the
line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the
same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 14:13:54 -0500
From:    Persson Mattias <mattias.persson@AROSNET.SE>
Subject: Murphys Law

Murphys law of war

* If you have secured an area, dont forgett to tell the enemy

* Incoming fire has the right of way

* Friendly fire, isnt

* 5 pigs, 1 farmhouse and a truck= 100 dead enemies

* If the enemy are in range, so are you

* If it works, it isnt stupid

* If it looks suspisious shoot it, if not shoot it anyway


* "Ich bin ein Berliner"   -JFK
http://www.gif.arosnet.se
------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 11:33:09 PDT
From:    Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: wedding night <sexual nature>

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day and to save their
parents money, they also resolved to spend their honeymoon nights at
home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep so she went to the kitchen
for a cup of tea.  On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's
bedroom and heard her screaming.  The mother thought to herself, "That's
normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.
"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't
hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.  The next morning in the
kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her daughters
about last night's noises.

"Well, Mom," the eldest replied, "you always said if it hurt I should
scream."

"Mom, you told me that if it tickled, I should laugh," replied the next
daughter.

"Now it's your turn honey," she said turning to the youngest.  "Why so
quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember?  You always told me never to talk with my
mouth full."
			=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Quote from 11 year old's science exam:
The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium  contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains
the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.


http://www.rodgerscorp.com
------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 14:52:21 +0000
From:    Larry Randall <lrandall@ASYMAIL.FAA.GOV>
Subject: Country song titles (Not offensive)

Pulled from the humor archives

The Washington Post Sytle Invitational Challenge asked people to come up
with a country song title:

7th runner up:
        Jump in the hefty bag, baby, 'cause I'm takin' out the trash.

6th runner up:
        She gimme any more lip, you gonna have to call me Jagger.

5th runner up:
        My best man was her daddy's shotgun.

4th runner up:
        Why don't we get drunk and (Thud) ...

3rd runner up:
        I Knifed the forklift driver 'cause he was spoonin' with you.

2nd runner up:
        Won't you be my Ballantine?

1st runner up:
        I'd rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you.

AND THE WINNER IS:

        Lovin' you clogged my arteries with your big fat lies, then you
bypassed my heart for some other guy.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 15:12:40 -0500
From:    Persson Mattias <mattias.persson@AROSNET.SE>
Subject: New Names for the Mir Space Station

> i heard this from a pal at saab (space above and beyond) mailinglist

        The Top 15 New Names for the Mir Space Station

15> The AMC Spacer

14> Uncle Boris's Last Chance Galactic Truck Stop & Fireworks Stand

13> I-Can't-Believe-It's-A-Space-Station

12> Skylab for Dummies

11> Emergency Vodka Storage Unit #6

10> Absolut NightMir

 9> The New, Improved People's Deathtrap 2000 ("Now with leaks!")

 8> Space Toast Coast-to-Coast

 7> The S.S. Minnowsky

 6> The Black Cat, Walking Under a Ladder, Broken Mirror,
    Spilled Salt, Friday the 13th Space Module

 5> Kaputnik

 4> Cattlecar Galactica

 3> Spacey Spice

 2> The Amazing Orbiting Barge O' Death

    and the Number 1 New Name for the Mir Space Station...

 1> Deepshit Nine


http://www.gif.arosnet.se

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 18:32:53 EST
From:    "Tim J. Olsonbach" <timo724@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Another Halloween Joke <clean>

Q:  Why can't ghosts have babies?

A:  Because they have halloweenies!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 19:08:24 EST
From:    Mike Rae <ldsteen@JUNO.COM>
Subject: FW: True Stories (probably not offensive :-))

 A true story out of San Francisco:
 It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into
 the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup.  Put all your muny in this
 bag."  While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller,
 he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
 call the police before he reached the teller window.  So he left the
 Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.  After waiting
 a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
 She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the
 brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
 stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
 and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip
 or go back to Bank of America.  Looking somewhat defeated, the man said
 "Ok" and left.  The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who
 arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
 Bank of America.
				===================

 Also from San Francisco:
 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
 measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.  He later
 received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.  Instead
 of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
 Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
 another picture...of handcuffs.
				===================

From Seattle.....
 When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
 Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.  Police arrived
 at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near
 spilled sewage.  A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
 trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's
 sewage tank by mistake.  The owner of the vehicle declined to press
 charges, saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
				 ====================

 A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a
 car phone in it.  The policeman taking the report called the phone and
 told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper
 and wanted to buy the car.  They arranged to meet, and the thief was
 arrested.
				 =====================

 Forty-five year old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after
 a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed
 in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the
 mechanic for an oil change.  According to police, Brasher later said
 that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood
 to change the oil.
				 =====================

 David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after
 allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest
 four bags of money.  It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES,
 weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his
 getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind
				===================

 Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
 Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant.  The
 prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
 Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.  Nonsense, said Christopher,
 who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court.  He
 handed it over so the judge could see it.  The judge discovered a packet
 of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute
 recess to compose himself.
				===================

 Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso
 from Mexico.  They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all
 of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana.
 They were clever, but not bright.  They misspelled the name of the gas
 company on the side of the truck.
				===================

 Oklahoma City...
 Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store
 in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant
 district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of
 defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the
 robber.  Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I
 should have blown your [expletive] head off."  The defendant paused,
 then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there."  The jury
 took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 18:45:18 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Bible according to college students

   A bit of theology:

   Top ten ways the Bible would have been different if written by
   college students:

 10) Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips

  9) Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they
     are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.

  8) Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.

  7) Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.

  6) Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

  5) The place where the end of the world occurs: Not the Plains
     of Armageddon, but rather Finals.

  4) Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.

  3) Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years:
     They didn't want to ask directions and looked like Freshmen.

  2) Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

  1) Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
     seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was
     due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Oct 1997 22:07:42 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbats

Tomorrow, I'm going to sieze the day.

I've realized that common sense is not all that common!

I think my cat ate a mouse. He's dragging my computer aroud behind him.

There are only two kinds of jokes. There are the ones people laugh at,
and then there are the jokes where people say, "That's funny."

If I put a for sale sign on my neighbor's lawn,
do you think they'd take the hint?

What do you call an unemployed jester? Nobody's fool.

Girls who play with fire seldom strike a match.

When in trouble or in doubt, run in circle, scream and shout.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Oct 1997 to 30 Oct 1997
************************************************
